Why you always gotta justify everything?

Two recent events confirmed to me just how much TBM's love to justify the church.

1) The 32 LGBT Mormons who committed suicide after the new policy.

2) Elder Bednar's comments that there "are no homosexual members of the church."

I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to dissect those 8 words that he said, and try to justify what he meant, including this 3,200-word post that seems to never end.

I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a group of apologetics who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify LGBT issues.

But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:


LABELS

Justification: Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'

My response: Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.


CLOSET

Justification: I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.

My response: She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.


ROOMMATES  

Justification: My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.

My response: I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.


THE "GAY LIFESTYLE"

Justification: My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.

My response: Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.


CRUSHES

Justification: I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.

My response: Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!


CUDDLING

Justification: Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.

My response: I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling.


APPS

Justification: I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)

My response: You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.


Why justify? From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.")  For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.

Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.

Appearing on the TLC Network will only get you into trouble

I remember the good ol' days of the TLC Network, back when they showed stuff like Trading Spaces. Today, the network is surrounded by controversy:

*Mama June in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" was linked to a convicted sex offender.

*Hypocrite Josh Dugger in "19 Kids and Counting" admitted to molesting his siblings and then cheated on his wife using an Ashley Madison account.

*"Breaking Amish" (which I actually watched) turned out to be completely fake.

I could go on and on.

And now it looks like the dudes in "My Husband's Not Gay" are facing some unwanted attention. I reviewed the show back in January and made note the three married guys were all involved with "People Can Change" and Journey Into Manhood - a place for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions."

Recently, Jeff Bennion and Pret Dahlgren, who both appeared in "My Husband's Not Gay" have resigned from their leadership positions in North Star. The gay LDS support group says their continued participation may be a distraction to their mission. It goes on to say: "North Star has never advocated any specific therapy, including reparative or 'conversion' therapy; we feel that message will be made more clear if we no longer fill leadership roles."   --- (Which is funny because I found this message in one of the Northstar discussion groups:)

"Is NorthStar becoming nothing more than a reparative therapy sales center?? That's all I ever see mentioned here are Evergreen conferences, JIM events, and pitches for people like Ritch Wyer. Is there nothing for people who aren't interested in reparative therapy, or who tried it and didn't get anything out of it?"

I can't say the TV show is directly responsible for their resignations, but I'm sure their on-screen appearances played a role. A recently published op-ed in the Salt Lake Tribune may have also been a contributing factor. In any event, the TV show exposed a few extra skeletons in their closet (no pun intended) which led to unwanted media attention.

EDIT: If you have some time to kill, check out the transcripts from the public gay conversion therapy trial mentioned in the Trib article. It's a VERY interesting read.

What are my thoughts? Well, since I believe nothing good can come out of North Star, I could care less about these changes. But the younger Mormon LGBT community still trying to figure out themselves will benefit without the influence of Bennion and Dahlgren.

I still don't know why these guys and their wives appeared on "My Husband's Not Gay" in the first place. We probably will never know why. But considering all of TLC's controversies, how could they imagine that anything positive could come out of it?

I mentioned this in my original North Star post, and still feel it applies right now. Please, please, PLEASE think before you record a video or appear on a national cable network for something that could be seen as controversial. It's just not worth it. There are other ways to get your message across. (For example, start an anonymous blog!) :)

Another case in point - why does this Voices of Hope video have over 10,000 views while the majority have barely hit 500? This is why.  :(

If I were Josh Weed, I'd be pretty pissed right now

It's quite obvious, but I try my best to remain anonymous. Some of you know who I am. Some know what I look like. And some of you are my Facebook friends. But I have a list of reasons as to why I hide my true identity, and what I learned today is another good reason for staying anonymous.

On Monday, I learned through a Slate article that a bunch of LDS gay men and their wives are listed in an amicus brief collaborated by an attorney in Utah. Their stories are reasons why the Supreme Court should rule AGAINST marriage equality. The brief pulled a bunch of quotes from various Voices of Hope videos, which are public record.

The Slate article pulls a quote from the brief that I found the most impactful: "a Constitutional right to same-sex marriage can only come at the cost of marginalizing and demeaning the marriages and families" of gay men married to straight women.

Seriously?! Sheesh. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be put in the same category at these guys - being gay and Mormon.

Well, today I learned that Josh Weed is pretty upset (just like me!). You see, he and his wife were listed in the amicus brief, therefore they must be against gay marriage. Turns out, they're not. According to a Salt Lake Tribune article, they did not give consent to be listed in the brief, nor do they believe in this point of view. Good for him. I'm glad he spoke up and kinda gave a big ole middle finger to the amicus brief. (I'm now curious as to the other couples listed in the brief. I'm sure none of them gave consent either, and I'm wondering if they're just as upset as the Weed's. I heard there was chatter on the North Star private FB page, which I do not belong to. Anyone care to fill us in?!)

Yes, I did call out Josh Weed in the past for posting a blog in favor of gay marriage, and then pulling it around General Conference, but I have gained a little more admiration for the guy in speaking out this week. I still am not a fan of gay men marrying women, so we're still not 100% friends yet, but this is an improvement. ;)

Back to the whole anonymous stuff I mentioned at the beginning of this post... I'd hate to have my name attached to something I didn't agree with. I warned gay Mormons a little over a year ago, to proceed with caution in recording a Voice of Hope video. My reasoning back then was your opinions about LGBT issues would likely change, and having a permanent video on the Internet may not be the best idea. Now you have to deal with your real name being included in random amicus briefs (or is it amici?!) that may or may not reflect your actual views.

The real me is careful as to what I post on social media, while the gay Mormon me continues to play it extra safe -- total anonymity.

My review of "My Husband's Not Gay" (I missed the end of the Golden Globes for this!)

Before I get to my little review, I have to pull the "You heard it hear first" card. Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about TLC's reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay." In it, I pointed out the fact that the three married dudes were all involved in "People Can Change" and Journey Into Manhood - a place for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Just a few days ago, the Salt Lake Tribune wrote an article on how the men "promote discredited 'conversion therapy'" and brought up North Star and People Can Change. I called my findings "a stretch" as to why these couples would do the show, but turns out, I was on the right track! (And c'mon Trib, where's my credit for discovering the facts?!) 

Ok, now to the good stuff. A single gay Mormon will review the show about married gay Mormons. I'm skipping the last hour of The Golden Globes to watch MHNG. (And after seeing Matt Bomer accept his award, I knew nothing else would top his beautiful face.)

Initial thoughts -- 

• The show is rated TV 14. (This made me chuckle.)
• No last names were used and at one point the Bennion's last name was blurred out. 
• For a show that has "Gay" in the title, they sure didn't say the word "gay" very much. Almost like it was a taboo word.  (SSA was used at every possible moment - 'Same Sex Attracted') 
• #MyHusbandsNotGay was a trending topic on Twitter. (Even during the Golden Globes?!) 
• Conversion therapy, People Can Change, and Journey into Manhood were never brought up. (I'm a little surprised.)  
• Pret is so dang cute. 
• Guy crushes mentioned by the SSAers: Ryan Reynolds and Tom Brady.

Review -- 

The show starts with the promo seen on YouTube the past few weeks. There was a quick intro at the beginning that gave details of the three couples. All stories were similar. Last couple was slightly different as the guy told his wife he was gay after they were married. (The last couple - Curtis and Tera - could have been cut from the show. They get hardly any attention and you don't really get a chance to like/dislike them.)  

The three couples then met together with their straight (homophobic) friend in an FHE type setting. When the gay topic came up, all the couples brought up the typical teacings and explianations from the church's "mormonsandgays.org" website. The straight friend seemed clueless about gay people, and I'm sure non-Mormons watching the show will use him as a "typical, stereotypical" Mormon. (Which makes me mad.)    

A fourth guy is introduced - Tom - I don't like the guy. He's a douche. He's discriminates against gay people, when he in fact is gay. He has a bad attitude and acts like he's better than everyone else. He tried to be funny, but just came across as rude.  

Megan (Pret's wife) grew on me; I gained respect for her. I've read some of her posts in the past and didn't care for her. After seeing her in the show, I kinda want to be her friend. Out of the 7 people featured, Megan was by far my favorite.  

Of course, when they go to dinner, a hot guy is their waiter. If I were Tanya, I'd be worried. Jeff really likes to talk about hot dudes and seems the most tempted. I've been on dates with girls and my eyes have wandered to good looking guys. Seems like this is a common occurrence with Jeff and Tanya. 

It was nice to see the other side of the story. I didn't think TLC would do this -- Jay from the Far Between Movie made an appearance and gave his story (for about 2 minutes.) In no way, was this a major part of the show, but still a nice surprise to see him. 

Then there's obligatory sad part when Pret and Megan talk about their baby who died. (But she's pregnant again!) 

Tom is set up on a blind date and ends up telling the girl at the end of the evening that he experiences SSA. They still stay in touch. 

I didn't HATE the show. (I didn't really learn anything either.) I think parents, leaders and adults will use these examples for the gay youth. "These folks are happily married, and you can be too." I DID HATE the use of the letters "SSA." I find that offensive and very disease sounding. I DO think this is an embarrassment to the LDS Church. We're trying to seem normal, and this show isn't going to help. (Read the Tweets about the show for proof.) 

And what about gay Mormons like me? When do I get to share MY story???  

Random quotes --  

"I get jealous when Pret has all his guy time."  Megan

"We don't discriminate against straight people in our prayer group." 

"I experience 'SSA,' not gay."  

"His feelings weren't reciprocal for obvious reasons."  Megan

"I'm interested in men, just not interested in men."  Tom 

"I get a little defensive when someone calls my husband gay."  Tanya

"That is a beautiful man." Jeff 

"Half the time we don't have the same tastes." Tanya 

"Does this girl know that I'm super into dudes sometimes?" Tom

Wrapping all this up -- 

There's been a lot of fighting back and forth on this dumb show. The LGBT community called for the cancellation and said it would be harmful to gay youth. North Star fought back in a not-very-Christlike way. 

In the end, the SSA folks seen in the show would like respect and acceptance and to not judge them. However, the guys would do anything in their power to split up, demonize, and discredit a loving homosexual couple - and then charge you for the "therapy."  

We made a bunch of assumptions before the show aired. Now that you've seen it, what are your thoughts?  

I'm not sure how I feel about this...

Nice arms, boys.

Hello again. Yes, it's been awhile. Take any excuse in the book and that could be used for my lack of writing. For all you Moho's out there, I hope this blog provides answers and support. You are the push I need to keep my story active.

I'm still amazed at the dozens of folks who end up on this blog looking for info on Tom Christofferson. (Seriously, D. Todd, you should really write an Ensign article or conference talk on your brother.)

Ok, now to the purpose of this post. I'm sure you've heard about the upcoming TLC reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay."  When the news articles started popping up, I was actually spending Christmas vacation with my family. I would have shared my thoughts sooner, but wasn't too keen on the idea of updating my anonymous blog with family members in the next room. :)

To sum up the show, three married couples and one single guy share their stories. The guys (all LDS) are attracted to men, but still marry/date women. I watched the trailer, and while cringing, I recognized the married guys from their Voices of Hope videos. They are also big North Star advocates, while I am the complete opposite.

I read the articles and comments that followed and really disliked the fact that these guys get a platform to share their story. I hate that these stories will be used by the parents of younger gay Mormons ("These guys can marry women, why can't you?!"). It's sad you never hear about the marriages that DO fail in the mass media. It's sad you never hear about the married men who sneak behind their wives backs and mess around. The Mixed Orientation Marriages get all the attention and support from the hardcore Mormons, and it's always rubbed me the wrong way as most MOM's end in divorce.  I've told myself that I could never marry a woman because it would be selfish. It's not fair to her as I'd never be 100% attracted to her.

But then I had an epiphany of sorts. As I started to accept myself as a gay man years ago, I became more accepting of others. I wanted to help, support, hug, etc. others going through the same thing. That led to me become more accepting of people with different beliefs, different political affiliations, just different people in general. (Basically the less Mormon I am, the more accepting and compassionate I become!) So shouldn't I accept these people who are gay (or 'obviously' bi) and choose to marry a woman? If they're happy, shouldn't I be happy? That's my dilemma. I'm single, never been married, so I can't really speak my opinion from experience. My good blogger friend, Dad's Primal Scream CAN speak from experience and has definitely expressed those views in his last blog post. (He does make some great points, by the way.) So I'm obviously on the fence about my feelings of the latest reality stars.

Now, my main question is: Why? Why would these 7 people share their story on the same network that brought you "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."  These 7 people will be mocked and laughed at for years to come, and their poor kids will be brought into the mess. The show will likely affect future job opportunities for all involved.

I did some research and found the three married men participated in Journey into Manhood by the organization "People Can Change." I've got the North Star Message Board posts to back that up. JIM is for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Ok, I said I am more accepting of a lot of things these days, but I have a hard time agreeing with this retreat! Man, I'm all over the place with this post. I'm rusty since it's been so long! 

So this brings me to one thought as to why these folks are doing the show -- Could these couples be indirectly promoting the money-making People Can Change organization?! Could the couples get some commission for new referrals?! I know it's a stretch, but this is how I think! The publicity has already worked - their Voices of Hope videos have some of the highest views (which doesn't say much) but I know there are gay Mormons who still want to marry women - and combine the reality show and the JIM retreat, and these couples are bound to get some followers.

Why else would 7 people agree to do this show that's humiliating to the LDS Church, and hasn't even aired yet? Please, enlighten me! 

And since I'm all over the place with this post - I really liked this interview with Wendy Williams Montgomery. 

Is Tom Christofferson a game changer?

UPDATE on 8-6-15 -- Since this is, by far, the most read post on my blog, I feel the need to add this -- I've heard through the grapevine that Tom is no longer with his partner and is currently working on rebaptism to the church. This blog post he wrote doesn't directly confirm this, but gives details here and there. When asked on the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook page if Tom is still with his partner, Kendall Wilcox of Far Between said: "Tom has not shared all the details of how his relationship with his partner has evolved so respect and circumspection in speculating about the nature of the "break-up" is best advised." 

ORIGINAL POST  ---

I'm surprised this hasn't been discussed more on the blogosphere. Either I'm thinking too much about the topic or the Moho Blogging Scene is slowly dying. (I really hope it's not the later.)

First, this is nothing new: gay Mormons who 100% want to stick with the gospel and its doctrine have two choices.

1. Remain single.
2. Marry someone of the opposite sex.

I refuse to follow those two, so I'm obviously not 100% in accordance. But many gay Mormons/SSA'ers are.

What I'm trying to get to - I was surprised (in a good way) that Elder D. Todd Christofferson's brother, Tom, was invited to speak at the recent North Star conference.  Y'all already know how I feel about North Star, so need to elaborate on the organization.

Tom has quite a story and currently lives with his partner Clarke in Connecticut. For more backstory, here's a talk he gave earlier this year in Arizona.  But wait, North Star folks are 100% in accordance with the church doctrine and Tom doesn't comply with the above two choices.

Does Tom's story bring on a third possibility?

3. Be in a same-sex relationship but still be active in the church.

I'm seriously curious because I haven't seen much response and reaction post-conference. All the media attention happened before the conference, and most of the spotlight was put on Tom (who wasn't even a main speaker.)

I've met, both in-person and in online forums, those who in no way would seek out a same-sex relationship, but does Tom's story change things?  Does it give more hope?

Could it be that North Star is softening their stance?  (The conspiracy theorist in me thinks North Star is losing members so they are exploring all options, rather than being so strict in accepting only those who follow the first two qualifications.)  I started to think they were softening their stance, but then they put out stupid stuff like this, and I change my mind. 

Whatever the reason to bring in Tom, I think it's a step in the right direction. It removes some of the guilt and shame some gay Mormons carry.  It shows we don't HAVE to be lonely.  It's nice to know that there are more than two options, and possibly be accepted by friends and family if remaining single or marrying someone of the opposite sex is not your forte.

Next thing we know, Ty Mansfield will speak out FOR gay marriage!  (Ok, ok, I guess we shouldn't go THAT far.)

"But, I have friends that are gay," and other things that make my skin crawl.

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. Sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a bit. I've been busy with other stuff (good, positive stuff) and put the whole blogging thing on the backburner.

This is my first post since the little North Star rant. (Holy cow, has it really been more than 3 months?!) And I want to first thank those who contacted me privately and left comments. I had never felt so nervous to publish a post, but when the comments started rolling in, I felt a sense of peace.  (BTW, anyone going to the conference?!?!)

Speaking of rants and since it's been so long since I've blogged, I have a few things all bottled up. So this post is all about stuff that bugs me. (I mean, isn't that why we all blog - to bitch and moan?!) Some local TV stations have a "What's bugging you?" segment and I thought I'd answer that question.

As a gay Mormon who's also a proponent of equal rights, I'm easily bugged.  All I need is a quick glance at the comments on my Facebook feed from the extremely conservative/anti-gay so-called friends and that's when I catch myself doing an eye roll.  (The reason for the abundance of Mitch from Modern Family.)

In keeping with my love of lists - here's what's bugging me:

• When gay people discriminate against other gay people. To this day, I still don't get it. 
• When people use the line, "I have gay friends." *Cue the eye roll again.* The line is used as a buffer before laying on, "love the sinner, hate the sin" mentality.  I see this line, but interpret as "You're still going to hell anyways."  
• When people try to take a stance by simply posting the Family Proclamation. It always seems to conveniently pop up whenever the gays are in the news.  
• When people say "the gospel will never change." Yet, blacks, polygamy, etc.  
• When those "struggling with SSA" pull the justification card.  

Let me get out of list mode for a sec as I explain the justification.  I've noticed that many SSA'ers will use this as a coping mechanism to help them overcome their attraction to the same sex.  In other words, they'll justify what they're doing as a method of improving their lives. (when in turn, it makes no sense to me.)  Here are some real justification examples I've witnessed among the North Star "support" groups.  (I ain't making this stuff up!)  OK, back to list mode.

• It's OK for me to cuddle with another guy because the more I do it, the less sexual it becomes and the more it turns into "healthy touch."
• It's OK for me to skinny dip with other guys because it helps me forget about my attractions to men.
• It's OK for me to sleep in the same bed with another guy because it improves male bonding.  
• It's OK for me as an older gay guy to spend time with younger gay guys because I'm happily married to a woman - and what I'm doing is completely harmless.   
• It's OK for me to be celibate in this life because everything will work out in the afterlife.  
• It's OK for me to be a scout leader because I am simply "struggling with SSA" and married to a woman. 

The last point is actually the main reason for this post. It bugs me to no end that the Boy Scouts pulled a church's charter because there's an openly gay scoutmaster, yet there are many men in the LDS Church with "SSA" who can still serve with scouts and in other callings.  It's not fair to the openly gay folks.  Whether you're SSA or openly gay, you're still attracted to men. I personally think the Scouts should change their policy and allow openly gay leaders, but again, it goes back to the fact that those with SSA can get away with it. And that doesn't make me happy.  

So that's what's bugging me.  What's bugging you?!  

Phew. It's good to be back and vent! I should do this more often. 

  

How a gay Mormon "support" group really screwed me up

Happy New Year! Everybody surviving the polar vortex?!

I'm not too thrilled starting off the new year with this post, but feel the time is right. With all the media coverage of North Star here, here, here, here, and here, it's time for me to throw in my two cents.

I'm actually quite nervous to publish this.  I fear offending someone or hurting someone's feelings. But this is my true story and experience of North Star.  And in all honesty, it was this offensive article that pushed me over the edge and gave me the desire to publish my story. (EDIT: The article has since been deleted, but thanks to the Internet Archive, here you go.) To help me with my nervous feelings, I'll provide some suggestions later on if you're contemplating in joining the group.  Here goes.    

Going through life as a gay Mormon, I've had many stages.  There's the denial stage, the maybe-I'm-gay-but-too-busy-to-do-anything-about-it stage, the gay-but-confused stage, and the gay-and-happy stage. Right at this very moment, I'm happy, content, and loving life.  But it took awhile to 'get happy.'

Years ago, at the moment I got rid of the denial and accepted my sexuality, I felt the need to find support. I can't be the only gay Mormon out there. And North Star was the go-to spot. (They were the ones who popped up in a simple Google search - gotta give credit to their SEO person.)

For those that don't know, North Star is "a place of community for Latter-day Saints dealing with issues surrounding homosexual attraction and gender identity who desire to live in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the doctrines and values of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."  There are discussion groups on Facebook and Google. They also hold scheduled firesides and they're planning their first conference later this year. North Star's brother is Voices of Hope, a "growing repository of video and written essays by [LDS] who experience same-sex attraction..."

Now, I'm the type of guy who reads the comments in Amazon before reading the product description provided by the manufacturer. So, I headed straight for some sort of discussion group before dissecting all the informational pages within North Star. After agreeing to about 10 questions, and writing a short paragraph, I was in. Awesome. I was about to meet other gay Mormons out there and go through life together, confusion and all.

The excitement quickly disappeared after getting a taste of the discussion topics. If you were to record my initial reactions, they would consist of:

"Why is everyone here so depressed?"
"Why are people here so homophobic?"
"I can't believe how many of these guys' girlfriends and wives don't know they're gay."
"Why are so many people contemplating suicide?"
"Why are so many people encouraging me to marry a woman?"
"Why are so many people touting this Journey Into Manhood program?"
"I'm really getting tired of people saying they "struggle with same-sex attraction."
"Why is there so much hate towards guys who 'live the gay lifestyle?'"
"Why is there so much discrimination?"
"Your definition of 'healthy physical touch' sounds a lot like spooning."

It was awful. And made me even more confused. I just came in contact with a bunch of self-loathing, judgmental people (who I thought I could relate to.)  I'm gay, these guys are gay, why do we disagree on so much? I'm OK with dating a guy, these North Star guys are not.

This is when the real depression set in. Am I bad person? These guys are so set in the gospel, and I disagree with their viewpoints.  Am I the one in the wrong? Am I broken?!  I was always taught to love everyone and not judge (thank you, parents.) So why do I sense so much hate, resentment, and bullying from these guys trying to live the gospel? Up to this point, I finally got to the point of accepting my sexuality, but was pushed backwards. It was definitely the most depressing time in my life - all thanks to a "support" group. For the first time, I felt like I didn't belong in my own church anymore.

I've compared North Star to a bad accident on the side of the road. You want to ignore it and keep going, but I always went back and looked - I always read and observed the discussion topics, becoming way too involved in the guys' lives. I couldn't let go. I wanted to disagree with the points being made among members, but you would immediately be pounced on by a moderator and risk being kicked out of the group if you veered away from anything non-gospel related.

It got worse. I HATE how much pressure there is for the single guys to date women and eventually get married. Celibacy is accepted, but basically frowned upon. Outside of North Star, I've never met a married gay man who recommends a Moho marrying someone of the opposite sex. I fear many of these guys are developing a false hope that some day soon they'll be married to a beautiful woman.

I now needed support to recover from the support group.  :) Back to Google, I had to feel some kind of normalcy and find others who had disastrous results with North Star. (Were there any?!)  And I found what I was searching for. The article by Dad's Primal Scream summed up all my feelings. In my continued search for other gay Mormons against North Star, I found them. Turns out, there's an underground group of guys whose lives were also screwed up by North Star. Through chats and emails, I returned to that normalcy. I came to the conclusion that I'm NOT a bad person. And it's OK to be set in my ways of refusing to be alone all my life and refusing to marry a woman. I felt like a typical Mormon again.  (But still gay!)

There may be some folks out there that could really use North Star. I've read testimonials that the group 'prevented' them from suicide. (I would really like to hear stories of HOW North Star prevents suicide.)  So in keeping with my habit of short, random thoughts, and with my anti-suicide attitude, I have some tips if you're thinking about turning to North Star for support.

• If you are prone to change your mind on everyday topics, North Star is probably not the best place for you.
• If you feel all homosexual relationships are a sin, North Star may be a good starting point. 
• You must absolutely, positively, 110% believe the church is true and can either look past the horrible things leaders have said about homosexuals, or be a darn good apologist.
• You can be 'for' gay marriage, but don't tell anyone.
• If you decide to pursue a relationship with someone of the same sex, be prepared to be dropped like a rock.  You will be judged.  
• There 'ARE' cuddle parties.
• The moderators are ALWAYS right.
• If you ask a question relating to sexuality, your answer will likely be random scriptures or quotes from church leaders. It can be VERY annoying.
• Remember, the big guns in North Star are PAID to tell you homosexual relationships are a sin.  (Many are therapists and their job is to help folks get rid of "unwanted homosexual attraction.") 
• The North Star folks like to get together and do stuff. I asked a guy heavily involved in North Star if getting a bunch of sexually repressed guys together was a recipe for disaster. His response was, "Yes, but...." I don't remember what he said after the 'but' because it's irrelevant.
• One of the creepier points I still don't get -- many of the older married guys will try to befriend the younger dudes. There's absoultely no reason for a married man to chat about sexuality with a younger guy. Again - it's a recipe for disaster.  Please only communicate with guys similar in age and experiences.  
• Read over the descriptions of North Star, Affirmation, and Mormons Building Bridges to guide you in your search for support.  

For those who want to film or write an essay for Voices of Hope, I hope you will seriously think and contemplate this action. Will you have the exact same thoughts a year from now? 5 years? 10 years? As your thought process changes, do you really want your testimonial online for everyone to see? And as we've learned with Josh Weed, once it's on the Internet, it never goes away. Within the last week, one 'Voice' has disappeared from the website. Did his outlook change only months after the video was published? ... Will your video affect future employment opportunities, etc? Not because you're gay, but because you're directly associated with some controversial folks. (Mansfield, Bennion, Matheson, etc.)  Will you be seen as fanatically conservative because of the association and a possible risk?

I honestly feel North Star and Voices of Hope will fizzle away as the world becomes more accepting of gay folks and marriage equality. In my opinion, North Star does more harm than good. Once others start realizing this and tell "their story," the ruined reputation will lead more to this fizzling.

I personally know folks active in North Star, and I personally know folks who left the group. Those who left are so much happier and have an amazing outlook on life. They have this special glow to them.  At the same time, I see some really good guys still in North Star. I wish I could help them, give them a big hug, and offer the obligatory cliche, "It gets better." (It really does!)

In conclusion, (this is turning into a term paper!) are support groups really necessary?  My biggest support comes from gay Mormon penpals! Some I've been in contact with for 2 years.  Weekly emails, texts, phone calls, check-ins.  We keep an eye out for each other, and it's the best support I can get. And we don't ONLY talk about gay stuff, so much more make up our lives besides sexuality. It's these penpals that make me happy.  And since I've started this blog, I've added a few other wonderful penpals and blogging friends. (I'm afraid to list the blogs, for fear I'll forget someone!!)  

I'm breaking one of my rules of keeping things simple. But I wanted to get all my thoughts out there at once. I would love to hear your North Star stories - good and bad - in the comment section. You can even submit them anonymously using the contact form, and with your permission, I'll publish them.

I'll try to be less serious and more funny in my next post.  :)

Stay warm.

Are you pretty enough to be in the flyer?

DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to turn into a 'Woe is me...' blog so I thought I'd take a stab at some humor. (Which means I'll likely offend some people in the process.)  Deep breath.  Here goes....

I have a few friends who belong to the North Star - and other related - Facebook groups. I have also stalked these pages a time or two. Which means, I'll get sponsored ads on my feed from said groups. Recently, I've seen ads for the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Utah. Apparently, it's this weekend.  (And goes from 9am to 6pm.  Sheesh.  What a waste of a Saturday.) But one thing stood out to me. The people in the flyer (or is it flier?) are so.... pretty. Young, attractive, clean-cut, good-looking men and women. (And then there are a few old dudes tossed in just for grins.)  Here is the flyer in question:

I'm not going to assume this is the actual demographic that will attend the conference, but I will assume the following. (This is where the humor part comes in, please bear with me.)  :-)

I assume this is how the meeting between the Faith & Feelings Committee and graphic designer went:

Member of committee:  Ok, let's build a flyer for this thing so we can get tons of people to come!  

The key word is -- PRETTY! Use one of the cute girls as the spotlight, because we gotta get these single gay guys attracted to the ladies!   

Make sure everyone looks so happy (especially the wives), despite all their "struggles."   

Go ahead and put in David Mathe$on so he can $$promote$$ hi$ Center for Gender Wholene$$, and while you're at it, to$$ in a couple other therapi$t$ a$ well.    

Make sure everyone is against gay marriage. (Sorry Josh Weed, guess you didn't make the cut.)   

Don't forget Ty Mansfield, because he just screams pretty.  

Just remember: stick with the "pretty" and "happy" theme.    

Perfect teeth is vital.   

And with whatever space you have left, add the old dudes.   

Pop in Moroni and you're done!

Yep.  That's exactly how that meeting went.  :)

My attempt at being funny is just a sidetrack from a future serious post of how groups and meetings like these are damaging to gay Mormon youth and men/women.  This is NOT an assumption.  I know this thanks to all the private conversations I've had with other gay Mormons who are afraid or not ready to be that voice.  The future post is still being written in my head.

In the mean time, I kinda wish I could attend the conference just for all the eye candy.  ;)

And a special shout out to the flyer dude two to the right of (Gay) Mormon Guy:  If you ever change your mind:

  

Tale of Two Videos

Am I horrible person that I get more emotional, more goosebumps, and (dare I say) more feeling of the spirit with this wedding proposal/flash mob in Utah...

Than when I watch this active, gay Mormon share his story and struggles?

I try to feel something when I watch Video #2 (and all the others), but I got nothing.  Being gay and Mormon, I SHOULD feel something, right?!  Probably because ten years ago, I was the guy in Video #2. So focused on church and the Lord.  Big desires to marry a woman. Anything associated with "gay" was a "struggle."  But a lot has changed in ten years.  My faith in the church has dwindled, I refuse to marry a woman, and I'm happy.  Fortunately, I didn't record my story a decade ago and have it forever set in stone on the internet.  I often wonder if any of these single guys or married couples regret sharing their 'voice' to the world. If not now, give them a few years.    

Oh and BTW, the engaged couple appeared on Ellen, and when the one guys puts his hand on the other guy's leg... I just melt.

Awkward combination of topics in this post: The Pope, North Star and Affirmation

The Pope seems like a pretty cool guy.  Yesterday, he said the church is too "obsessed" with gays (and other stuff) that actually deters from its mission to be a "home for all."

Cool.

Yes, Pope Francis still believes homosexual relationships are sinful, yadda, yadda, yadda.  But his words yesterday were kinda refreshing.

Sometimes I wish some LDS members would feel the same way.  The church should focus on being a "home for all."  This all came together in my mind after reading the news stories on the Pope and a NASTY discussion in the North Star Google Group about Affirmation.

Last weekend, Affirmation held their annual conference.  It made big news because ex-NFL QB Steve Young and his wife Barb were the featured speakers.  I did not attend, but read some positive articles online.  I sense it provided some hope for the Moho's and it seems those that left the conference had some nice warm fuzzies.

Someone in the North Star group mentioned the Affirmation Conference and it went downhill from there.  I wish the Original Poster knew that North Star and Affirmation are like oil and water.  (You'd think all gay Mormons would get along.)   The preceding comments were horrible.  One North Star member even said Barb Young is "extremely ignorant of sound fundamental principles."  Ouch.  Someone tried to calm the crowd saying Affirmation provides plenty of good, prevents suicide, provides love for everyone.  But that didn't help.  Hurtful and hateful remarks were thrown at the person trying to back Affirmation.

I'll never understand how people who "live in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the doctrines and values of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" can be so hateful and un-Christlike.

Sadly the discussion on Affirmation is similar to many of the posts on North Star.  Some people need to take the Pope's advice and remember that church is "a home for all."

I have plenty of beef with North Star.  I hate myself for even finding the group.  I plan on writing more on my thoughts and feelings of them.  And since this is MY blog, it's more appropriate to do it here, than try to share my opinion on similar discussion groups.

Ok.  That rant's over.  TGIF everyone.  Have a good weekend.  (Except for that person who reads this post 3 months from now on a Monday and is all WTF?!)