Sometimes I just wanna eat dinner on the patio

No idea who these people are. Just your basic stock photo. :)

First off, thanks to all of you who responded to my "Who Are You?" idea. I've got some great stories from readers and looking forward to sharing. (If you're wondering what this is all about, or you'd like to contribute - check out the last post for details.)

Moving on. The more I've accepted my sexuality, the less active I've become in the LDS Church. I've wanted to stay under the radar when it comes to church activity, and I've successfully done so. Here's how I did it:

1. Move out of the old ward.
2. Transfer records to the new ward.
3. Don't go to the new ward.

I've only been contacted twice since moving to my new place. Both included a casual invite to attend church, but neither carried much pressure.

The break from church has been nice - I'm less stressed, anxiety has gone down, and I don't feel as depressed. Plus having a full weekend - 2 whole days - is pretty dang awesome.

But there are some repercussions from flying under the radar: my social life has disintegrated. All my life, my main circle of friends have been people in my ward, stake, seminary, institute, etc. etc. Yes, there have been co-worker friends, neighborhood friends, etc., but the majority have been from church. Now that I've moved (about 25 miles) from the old ward, starting anew socially has been difficult. While I consider myself an extrovert, I've really struggled making new friends outside of the Mormon bubble.

Online friends/acquaintances suggest I look for people on Meetup or try a gay bar/church/hangout. But the thought of that gives me as much anxiety as returning to church! 

I realized just how much I miss social outings a couple weeks ago; I met up with my old group of church friends. (We could meet more often, but our current distance makes it a real challenge.) It was a simple restaurant dinner out on the patio. The weather was amazing, food was good, and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with everyone. We all laughed and had a great time. I miss these moments I've taken for granted for the past 20 years.

I know what you're thinking. "GMS, you've decided to not go to church anymore, so quit being a cry baby and find some new friends." (While the TBM's are likely suggesting I just go back to church.) And I could respond with: "Yes, you're probably right. I need to get out more." Seeing this all typed out is somewhat of a motivation to get be back on the social track. Stay tuned.

And if you think you live near me (not in Utah), hit me up! :)

Cafeteria gay Mormons have it the hardest

I've been thinking the last couple days and developed this opinion. The topics I'm about to bring up are all my thoughts, and you're free to disagree! And since I'm such a nice guy, I am capable of swaying my opinion with the right arguments.

Here goes.

When it comes to confusion, wasted time, depression, and overall difficulty, I believe that the cafeteria gay Mormons have it the hardest.

Before you throw your tomatoes, let me try and explain.

As I've already discussed the different types of gay Mormons, I feel the need to point out the different type of Mormons. The two main categories I can identify with are:

TBM - or True-Believing Mormon 
Church is 100% true
You go to church every week, participate, honor your callings, etc.
Growing up, I never really had many TBM friends. The ones on my mission, I struggled to get along with.
Oh, and I know you are a TBM if  you have a picture of a temple or some GA's quote on your Facebook timeline. (This is somewhat of a joke; I'm not trying to be rude!) :)

Cafeteria Mormons
Believe in the church to an extent, but realize there are issues with church history, etc.
Pick and choose what commandments/church rules you follow.
Personally, I've always prefered to befriend these slightly more liberal Mormons. I feel more comfortable around them.

(There are also New Order Mormons, Jack Mormons, and probably a bunch of other little subgroups.) 

Now my explanation:

I want to focus on the "wasted time" issue. In my 20's, I was always on the fence of staying with the church or leaving it to pursue a gay relationship. Early on, I wanted to remain active. I spent many years trying to be a good guy, albeit never a TBM, and thought that if I sailed by performing my callings, serving a mission, being a good example, that someday I'd wake up straight and live happily ever after with my wife and 2.5 kids. But I've never been strict on myself when it comes to keeping the Sabbath Day holy or even the Word of Wisdom. I was the first to complain about all those meetings before AND after church.

Once I figured out that I would never wake up straight, having this 'cafeteria' attitude meant that I started to believe that gay relationships were OK, even though the church was against it. TBM's hated me because I was living in sin. Gay TBM's hated me because I was a bad example.

I wasted at least 10 years because I was a cafeteria Mormon. The constant back and forth/picking and choosing makes me want to pull my hair out! If I had jumped ship early on, my life would be much different, and probably happier.

TBM's who happen to be gay see their homosexuality or "SSA" as a trial, something they'll overcome either in this life or the next. There was never a fence. They're not "wasting time" like I am, because they made the promise to follow the commandments and guidelines of the church. They've accepted the fact that they'll either remain celibate, or if things work out, they'll marry someone of the opposite sex. Yes, many are depressed and I've witnessed a lot of self-loathing, but it seems after prayer, reading the scriptures, hanging with their support groups, they seem to (temporarily) snap out of it and move on. Straight TBM's LOVE them. No matter the trial, gay TBM's always seem to overcome it once they've accepted Christ's atonement. (Something that I've never been able to do.) Do I wish I grew up a TBM? No.

So -- if you're reading this, call yourself a cafeteria Mormon, and just realized you're gay, you've got a long, confusing road ahead. If you're TBM, you probably won't be reading my blog anyway. :)

I had a bunch of stuff in my head this week, but as I type it out, it's not sending the message I had hoped. Maybe you all can help. Any thoughts? Do Cafeteria gay Mormons have it tougher?

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.