As I mentioned earlier, less than 10 people know about my sexuality. (Well, I have actually told less than 10 people.) The main reaction is usually, "Why?!" They wonder how I've kept this secret for so long without going crazy. A few reasons I've thought of...
A lot of it had to do with denial. 'Me? Gay? Never!' (maybe just a little bi.) I felt if I stayed a good Mormon boy, everything would take care of itself, I'd fall in love with a beautiful woman, have lots of babies, and we live happily ever after. I forced myself to date and like girls. I refused to label myself as gay.
Another way I never went crazy was I stayed busy. Always busy. During high school, I stayed active (not so much on the sports side, but more the academic side) and I had a part-time job in the evening. The more time I was doing stuff, the less I had to worry or even think about my sexuality. The busy-body mentality continued through college with my two part-time jobs and classes. 'Drowning my sorrows for being gay: Ain't nobody got time for that!' (Sorry, I just had to squeeze in that
famous phrase somewhere!) It was after college when I really got my career started, that I felt tired. The denial was slipping away, I actually had MORE free time during that first 'real' job. I accepted (finally) that I was gay and I made a choice on how to live my life. And life is good.
Last reason for not going crazy. I stayed happy. I think this was the key. I didn't let the denial or exhaustion ruin my mood.
I'm sorry if these paragraphs sound like all the other gay Mormons' lives and I'm totally boring you. I feel I need to throw out a little background before I talk about my present day thoughts and feelings.
Ok... Changing the subject. (I probably should just end the post now and do this another day, but it's been on my mind.)
A habit of mine (and I'm sure other people do this) is when I see a blog post, I'll scroll down to see how many comments there are, and that determines just how 'juicy' the post really is. Well, I hope to get a comment or two with this little thought I had today. (Not for the comment count, because I really am curious to read your opinion!)
When were you taught that being gay was bad? (Let me clarify, that I 100% no longer believe this. I accept and love who I am and think the whole gay thing is a blessing, albeit all the challenges.) Gay is good.
I extend the question because I can't answer it! And now I feel like a jerk. :) When did the negative connotations of homosexuality reach my brain? Was it
in elementary school? Did it come from all the priesthood interviews or church talks? Did it come from friends who talked bad about gay people? Was it the media? Or is it all of the above?! While I can explain the denial and the busyness, I can't explain when or how being gay got such a bad rap. I know there are few readers here (one more post and I'll add myself to the Moho Directory) but I hope I can learn a few things from your responses.
(I use parentheses way too much.)
