Confession time! Here's what's on your mind - Round 2

Two weeks ago, I started the 2nd annual Moho Confessionals. I requested anonymous secrets from you all on what it's like to be gay and Mormon. Below are the 14 confessions I received. (Which is considerably less than the 26 I received the first go around!!) But there are a few differences this time. The secrets are deeper, more surprising, and more complicated. I've had to tell myself it's all about quality than quantity in putting together this post! I wish some of these comments WERE NOT anonymous because I have a few follow-up questions to these!

The secrets below are unedited. I'd love to hear your response.

And finally, the last confession is actually looking for some advice. Please direct any suggestions to this Moho in the comments.

This concludes my commentary. The below points are all user submitted.

• I skipped Elder's Quorum Presidency meeting last week to get tattooed - I now have two tattoos and three body piercings ... and my wife still hasn't noticed

• I'm not LDS.  I found some Moho blogs some years ago when I was first coming out and found it interesting to see a similar experience from another perspective.  The thing is, I'm now a well-adjusted, out gay guy and I still read these.  I don't know why I still read them.  I feel sort of bad about it, actually.  I recently made a friend who's a gay Mormon and I feel especially weird about it around him.  I'm worried he will think I'm really strange if he finds out. 

• I think I've subconsciously antagonized every romantic relationship I've ever been in, both male and female, simply because I'm afraid I'm making the wrong choice

• Sometimes, I wonder if I might be bi, and I am to scared to try being with a woman.

• started texting a guy in my ward I was 93% certain that was gay. I finally screw up enough courage after 3ish months to ask the guy out on a date. Get rejected. Like a boss. kidding he was really nice about it saying how that he "admired my courage" and all but wanted to stay friends. I can't help but wonder is it because I'm not good enough, or does he just not want to date.

• I've been married for almost 17 years - wife, 2 kids, still active in church ... and I also have a boyfriend.

• I've tried so hard to balance being gay and LDS, but once I concluded the church isn't true, it's tons easier to separate myself from religion.

• Gay, Mormon and wondering if I want to break any commandments before I get endowed.  Nah, probably not.

• I'm 31 and have had body image issues since about 2nd grade. I haven't been shirtless in public for about 14 years now and haven't been to a swimming pool in as many years. I've been out and trying to date for 3 years now but have never been on a 2nd date and am still a complete virgin.

• My wife said I was gay and thus didn't really love her.  Then she left me for another woman.

• When I was in high school, another boy in my ward and I would feel each other up while riding in the YM Presiden'ts van on the way to our early morning monthly temple trips. We always pretended to be sleeping. The van didn't have good heating, so he always had blankets. Am I going to hell?

• I have a weakness for hot Asian guys. I dream about Steven Yeun from the Walking Dead.

• I did all the things that were expected of a good Mormon boy, return missionary, BYU grad, etc. Broke up with my college girlfriend when I moved away from Happy Valley (it was time to put up or shut up - so thankful that I shut up! Tho she was and still is an amazing woman) and met my first boyfriend about a year later.  Actually he was the first person I ever met that was openly gay. Many years later reconnected with my college girlfriend on Facebook.  She is now living her happily ever after with her wife.

• Preparing to serve a mission... any advice on how not to fall in love with one's companion?

 

Deadline extended! There's still time to confess!

At my work, we'll have contests to recognize outstanding work in various departments. However, to win the contest, you have to submit your own work. An email will go out with the deadline to submit, and a couple days before, we'll usually get another email that says "Deadline extended!" What that email really means is that few people submitted their work, and they just need more entries.

That's what is happening right now! Last week, I asked folks to anonymously submit a secret or confession on being gay and Mormon (or just gay!) I got several responses, but just not enough to make a whole blog post about them. (And well below the 26 responses I got the first go around.)

I made the original deadline today, but let's see what happens if I tack on another week! (So Sunday, March 29, 2014.)

Use the Contact Form on the right and tell me something interesting about you. (If you don't like the word "confession," just think of it as an icebreaker at a party where you ramble off a couple facts no one knows about you.) It's cathartic, fun, and I've promised to throw in a couple of my secrets as well!

Again, this is done 100% anonymously and I have no way to track you down. So before you leave this page, tell me something about you!

Here are random things you can submit (these are just ideas; do what you want!) which I'll share in a future blog post:

• Celebrity crushes
• Friend crushes
• Coming out stories
• Still in the closet stories
• What's it REALLY like being gay and Mormon
• Secrets from the married crowd 
• How you REALLY feel about General Conference 
• How the church handles LGBT issues
• Etc, etc. 

Be brief and make this fun! Check out last week's post for a review.

Moho Confessionals: Tell me a secret, part deux

It's time for the 2nd Annual Moho Confessionals brought to you by you, the wonderful reader!

This all started after a post I made in 2013 where I rambled off a few personal facts and thoughts. That gave me the idea to ask for facts and thoughts from you all. Days later, I had 26 confessions covering what it's like to be gay and Mormon.

It's been over a year since those 26 anonymous items were released, so I thought it would be time to do it again! (New readers, new ideas, new updates.) That last one MAY be an oxymoron.

A year ago, I did this mainly for fun, but have learned that this could be in someway cathartic. Through personal chats and conversations, I've learned that many Moho's are still very much in the closet. I've learned that some married Moho's are confused, struggling, unsure of their future. I've learned that some Moho's are having serious doubts with the church and its doctrine. I've also learned that many of you are happy being gay and life's going well. I could go on and on. Sharing these deep thoughts and feelings is a step in the right direction. We can't keep all this stuff bottled up, even if it's done anonymously.

And on that note, send me your secrets! What's on your mind? What's something few people know about you?

Use the Contact Form on the right.
Put "Anonymous" under Name.
MY email address under Email (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com.)
Give me a line or two of your secret under Message.

If you remain anonymous, and I encourage it, I have NO way to track you down. (I'm just not tech-y enough!) If you're on a mobile or tablet, you can email the above address from your fake email address. (I know you have one!)

Here are a couple from last year:

• I have a crush on my best friend. We haven't been friends for all that long (we met recently through MoHo circles), but I can't see myself living without him.
• I love fun and sexy underwear! Wearing garments was excruciating for me and I'm so glad to not be wearing them anymore. You never know, that forgettable guy in front of you in the checkout line might be me wearing bright pink briefs.

Same rules as last time. PG-13ish and nothing that could get you arrested. Don't leave anything below in the comments section.

Be funny or be serious. It's up to you! And I'll be sure to throw in a couple of MY secrets as well!

BTW, even if you're not LDS, feel free to share a secret too.

Deadline is Sunday, March 22, 2015.

Now, get to work! :)

Moho Confessionals: Here's what's on your mind.

This will hopefully be the last stock image I use
of two people telling a secret.  :-) 

A week ago, I had a crazy idea and requested anonymous secrets or confessions from you. Tell me what life is really like being gay and Mormon. Below are the 26 responses I got.  

A couple things before I let everything loose... 

I've mentioned this before, but we're not alone. We have similar challenges and some of the secrets are reassurance to the fact. 

The statements below are random, uncensored, and unedited.  Some are definitely PG13. Proceed with caution.  I did not omit any secrets. If you sent it - it's here.   

Several of you sent more than one secret, but to protect everyone, I've mixed them all up. If I need to make a clarification of who's sending the secret, I'll do so in parenthesis before the statement. 

I'd love to hear your reaction and thoughts in the comments.  I'd be game for a part 2 later on for those who weren't ready to share.  

Here we go.  (This ends my commentary.. The rest is user submitted.)  

• I found the underground gay mormon group at BYU-I the night before I left campus (and never came back).

• I have a crush on my best friend. We haven't been friends for all that long (we met recently through MoHo circles), but I can't see myself living without him.

• I have a hot bishop.  Like super hot.  And he's into extended handshakes.  Haven't told him I'm gay yet.  Wouldn't want things to change, right?

• When I was 11 or 12 and didn't yet realize I was different, my younger cousin and I would pretend we thought each other were teddy bears and hug and roll on the ground.  As I realized I was gay and realized the erotic undertones of what we did, giant teddy bears started making me anxious and still do.

• (Married male) I still struggle off and on with masturbation and pornography.  Should feel worse, but also feel like it's my sanity sometimes.  Like I'm justified or something.

• I had a crush on my childhood best friend.  He turned out gay too.  We never talked about it, but in retrospect I realized he came on to me pretty hard.  We almost got into something when we were in a tent (just the 2 of us).  He did grab my junk once and I immediately got aroused, but didn't pull away.  What might have been...

• (Married male) I'm afraid of getting back in shape for fear that a guy might hit on me and I'll like it.

• Home teaching is the biggest pain.  I hate going and I hate it when they come over.

• I met someone in my old stake years ago.  Dream guy.  Just moved to new neighborhood and guess who is my new neighbor?

• I love fun and sexy underwear! Wearing garments was excruciating for me and I'm so glad to not be wearing them anymore. You never know, that forgettable guy in front of you in the checkout line might be me wearing bright pink briefs.

• When I was young and would fantasize about guys, the situation would always include me somehow being forced to be involved, because I could never see myself instigating or voluntarily participating in a relationship with another guy unless I was somehow compelled (even though I was very very attracted to guys).  I think this is still true today, which is probably one reason I'm still anonymous.

• I'm totally out to my wife and committed, but I don't know that she will ever fully understand how difficult that is.  I love her still.

• I try to convince the world that I'm in a better frame of mind now, but I still look at every man I meet as a possible husband (and even several men I haven't even met in person!)

• (Female) I both want and don't want the LDS church to be true.  On the top of the cons list is: what if I wanna marry a woman someday.

• I've convinced myself that blogging will somehow lead me to the love of my life.

• I knew the day I got sealed to my wife, I was making a mistake. I'm still married, and yes, it's still a mistake.

• Im afraid of the MOHO dating scene. We are Mormons, and so we gossip.

• I was molested by my uncle when I was six and later when I was 14. I'm 43 now, but I've never told anyone about it. He recently was released from prison (unrelated) and my mom feels sorry for him and is trying to get my dad to reconnect with him. (They haven't had any contact since the first time he was sent to prison in 1986.)

• I had one straight missionary companion who ... all I can say is flirted with me. We come home at the end of the day and get naked...often. Nothing sexual ever happened but it was borderline gay behavior and I loved it. Funny is that he never struck me as gay.... still doesn't.

• Popcorn. Seriously. Major addiction. Someone save me.

• I hate when I come across feminine.  I'm masculine for the most part, and wish I could love the feminine side too.

• I had several experiences at BYU that were gay-ish. Once, I was working as the night clerk in a motel when someone called around 2 in the morning. "If I come there right now, can you open a room and I'll give you a BJ." I was so in denial at the time that I thought it was a friend playing a joke on me, "Who is this...come on.. Jack? Lane?" He hung up and called back and we had the same exchange... twice more. Then, I got it that whoever it was was serious, but he never called back

• Another BYU experience working at the motel at night.... I had just tried out for a play in the theatre dept. Old dude comes in late at night and starts chatting me up...and he discovers the theatre interests. He claims he had just had dinner with the director I had auditioned for and knows some inside scoop that might help me get the part. Would I like to go back to his room so he can tell me all about it? I had to wait until morning so I could leave the front desk. That's how naive I was. I really thought he had something to tell me. I did go to his room but left after he made his intentions clear.  I got the part...

• I wish there was a loophole that allowed a handful of gay hookups, but alas, I know it will never be. 

• Sometimes when I'm in a large group and see people whispering, I think they're trying to figure out whether I'm gay.  I get very uncomfortable when I see people whispering in any situation.

• (Married male) I want a guarantee I made the right choice and have been true to myself thus far.

Last call for your Moho secrets!

On Saturday, I asked you to share your short secrets.  And every time I see the title I wrote: "Latter Day Confessions: Tell me a secret!" I think of some sleazy magazine article. That's not my intention. I want to give the chance for those who haven't shared their story - to speak out anonymously. (And those who have already shared their story to speak out as well!)  This whole idea came together after I blogged a bunch of short statements on my mind.  

Four days later, the response has been amazing. You've bared your soul to me and I appreciate the comments you've anonymously sent. I think the secrets will be a huge eyeopener for many of us. We'll understand more the deep feelings people have being gay and Mormon. (And hopefully our Mormon friends who aren't gay can get a glimpse into our minds.)  

But I want to give you more time. Keep your secrets coming until this Saturday, Dec. 14 and I'll publish them all on Sunday the 15th.

If you're scared that you'll be the only one sharing - have no fear - I already have at least a dozen secrets - so yours will fit into the mix quite nicely.

I have no way to track you - I can't even write you back to thank you for the secret (unless you send me an email.)

Use the contact form on the right.  Put "Anonymous" in the name field, my email address in the email field (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com) and a 1-3 sentence secret or confession.  (Check out the original post for more info. including MY secret!)

You have a couple more days to think of something.  Thanks, friend!

Latter-day Confessions: Tell me a secret!

I have an idea.  More on that in a sec.

But first, I want to say thank you to all the new blog friends I've made. When I started GMS, I was looking forward to getting some things off my chest and share my story. Throughout all this, I've enjoyed the messages, both public and private. I'm never alone - you're never alone - we're all in this together.  (Sounds like a song.)

One person told me this blog has a "very easy to read writing style and above all it's honest," which I take as the utmost compliment because that was my goal - keep things simple and true.  

After my "Too long to Tweet..." post, many commented how they enjoyed the short but blunt points. So now, it's YOUR turn. Here's my idea.

Tell me a secret.  Tell me what's on your mind.  Tell me something many don't know about you. BUT ALL ANONYMOUSLY. Tell me a 2-3 sentence (or very short paragraph) gay-related confession.

Use the contact form on the right. Put "Anonymous" in the Name section, put my email address in the Email section (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com) and tell me something! (Or tell me 2, 3, or 4 secrets!) Again, totally anonymous. (If you're on a mobile device, email me from your fake email account.)

I'll compile them all for a future blog post, similar to my "Too long to Tweet..." entry.

Here's my example - this is what I would submit:  "On my mission, there was a missionary (not my companion) who would tickle me, wrestle, and sometimes crawl into bed with me.  I would push away and discourage it: 'Stop it, Elder!' But really, I enjoyed the attention and physical touch."

There. That was easy! Now send yours. Even if it's "My wife doesn't know I'm gay." or "I have a huge crush on my bishop." Whatever! Get it off your chest.  

Let's keep it PG-13ish and don't tell me anything that would get you arrested.

Why am I doing this?

1) For fun
2) I admire those who can sit in front of a camera or speak via podcast and share their story to the world. But some of us aren't there yet. I want this to be an opportunity for the rest of us to share something. Maybe even a stepping stone.  
3) You all like short, Tweet-like messages, so I want to take this to the next level. YOUR short messages!

Ok.  Think of something, and type it up right now!

I bet you thought you'd never read a blog with a homework assignment.  :)