Why you always gotta justify everything?

Two recent events confirmed to me just how much TBM's love to justify the church.

1) The 32 LGBT Mormons who committed suicide after the new policy.

2) Elder Bednar's comments that there "are no homosexual members of the church."

I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to dissect those 8 words that he said, and try to justify what he meant, including this 3,200-word post that seems to never end.

I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a group of apologetics who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify LGBT issues.

But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:


LABELS

Justification: Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'

My response: Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.


CLOSET

Justification: I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.

My response: She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.


ROOMMATES  

Justification: My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.

My response: I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.


THE "GAY LIFESTYLE"

Justification: My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.

My response: Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.


CRUSHES

Justification: I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.

My response: Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!


CUDDLING

Justification: Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.

My response: I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling.


APPS

Justification: I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)

My response: You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.


Why justify? From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.")  For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.

Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.

You are not alone. You are loved.

Normally, when one gets some upsetting news, you need some time. A few hours to calm down, a good night's rest, some contemplation, some discussion with others. Then you move on.

I thought this would be the case after I heard the news Thursday regarding the leaked revised Handbook policy about the church excluding kids of same-sex couples from membership. I hoped to 'make sense of it all' after a couple days of cooling off.

I haven't. It still bothers me. I'm still upset (if not more upset than I was on Thursday.)

The thing is, I had a hard time pinpointing WHY I was so upset. I've distanced myself from the church over the past couple years, so in reality, this shouldn't bother me.

But it does.

During my weekend of thinking and pondering, this thought came to my mind several times: Why on earth would a gay couple want to raise their kids in the church?! In a way, I was trying to play devil's advocate so I could achieve that "moving on" process I just mentioned.

Then I came across this heartbreaking post on Facebook from Devon Gibby, the author of A Shout From the Housetops. (please read the FB post.) Ouch. Right in the feels.

Devon is gay, married a woman, had two kids. They divorced, and he now lives with his partner. Devon and his ex-wife have decided to raise their kids in the church. But because Devon now lives with his partner, the kids' membership and baptism are now in jeopardy.

He says:

"Children of felons and rapists don't even have such a harsh punishment. I'm really hurting. Just when I thought that I had found a way to live with tolerance toward the church they've come out and attacked my family in a very personal way."

I then thought of other folks who used to be in mixed-orientation marriages who have since divorced. Now their kids' membership and baptism are in jeopardy.

This is why I'm upset. As Devon said, it's an attack on the family. I'm angry because this policy affects a lot of families, families that are just trying their best to do what is right.

We are hurting. We are confused. Even a handful of TBM's are hurting.

Some other random observations from the last couple days: (because you know, I like short, random stuff)

*Of course, they got the apostle with the gay brother to make the clarification. It bothers me the church uses D. Todd everytime they need to discuss LGBT issues. "Look, even an apostle has a gay family member! We love all the gays!" (sarcasm)

*The Ex-Mormon forum on Reddit gained 130 subscribers in just one day. The average is 20. Many people are threatening to leave the church because of the new policy.

*Can't confirm - but I've seen several statements that calls to suicide hotlines have greatly increased this weekend.

*Zing. (read the whole thing)

*An astonishing 18 blog posts were made to the Moho Directory just this weekend, the majority venting about the policy changes. I've never seen so many posts in a short amount of time.

*Most of my straight, TBM Facebook friends either shared the Well Behaved Mormon Woman blog post or the one about the woman raised by two lesbians (sorry, not linking here) with the line "This is a great perspective." It's like they're doing their duty by sharing the link, then moving on. They don't get it.

We are hurting.

it's a tough weekend to be a gay mormon.

— Tyler Glenn (@tylerinacoma) November 7, 2015

While many of us can vent via a blog post or Facebook status, I'm extremely worried about those who have remained quiet. Those who are deeply closeted and are confused by all the news. Those in MOM's who have kids and thinking about their future. Those preparing to go on a mission, but now not so sure. Those who are scared to talk about this for fear of rejection.

To these people - please know that you are loved.

I love you.

You are not alone.

I've seen the above graphic many times on FB and Twitter. These resources are there for you. And I'm here too. If you need to vent, chat, etc., use the Contact Form or email me, and I'll listen (er, uh, read.)

To the leaders of North Star. I've made it very clear I don't agree with your organization. But your believing members are hurting. They are confused. They need help. Please develop a buddy system and have members check up on each other - and if possible - in person. North Star folks are extremely delicate. They need a listening ear. They need a hug. And I'm sorry, but a temple trip and fast two weeks from now ain't gonna cut it.

It's going to take some time for me to cool down. At the same time, we all need to reach out to those directly affected by these changes and show them our gratitude.

You are loved.

Well, at least he got to witness gay marriage legalized in the U.S.

As folks post their remembrances and favorite talks of President Boyd K. Packer, I'm really struggling to think of anything positive about the man.

As always, my condolences to the family of a leader who devoted his life to the church, but Packer is the reason I began to distance myself from the LDS faith.

First off, I'm one of the "dangers" he spoke of in this now infamous talk.

Then there's all the talk about my "little factory."

For non-members, in the third paragraph of his official AP obituary, there's already mention of why he wasn't a favorite.

But it wasn't until his 2010 General Conference talk that pushed me into a deep depression of trying to be both gay and Mormon. I heard these words live with about 10 close friends huddled around a TV:

"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father." 

Yes, the talk was edited for the print version, but the damage had already been done. These talks are reviewed and edited by many before they're given over the pulpit, and I never understood how the above paragraph got the final approval.

For many members so devoted to the gospel, the above words and talks just push them even harder to overcome masturbation and homosexual thoughts and actions. And this caused some to be pushed to an even deeper form of depression and self-hate, and yes, I hate to say it - but some were even pushed to suicide. Looking back, I'm glad I wasn't as strong and devoted as some of my peers. Five years after that talk, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't slowly let go from Mormonism.

I'm just glad Packer was able to see gay marriage legalized in all 50 states. He tried so hard to denounce homosexuality, I hope he was able to see at least a few people happy after last Friday's ruling.

I'll leave a Facebook comment left on a Mormon themed news site. It was left by another gay Mormon who put Packer's death in a blunt but appropriate light. (And also inspired me to write this blog post.)

"I wish I could say I was heartbroken; President Packer was a difficult man to love. But I wish him a peaceful rest and his family, solace. 

May his angry and thorough misreadings of God's message of love travel with him to the grave." 

Southpaw's one year birthday, Google searches, and Tom C (again)

Twitter sent an email wishing me a Happy Twitterversary.  I started the Twitter handle right when I started the blog and sure enough, my first blog post was about one year ago. (Time flies!) It's been a great year and I've met some awesome people. My only regret is that I feel I was negative a bit too much. If you knew me in person, I'm not so much a Negative Nancy. Thank you for all your comments and personal emails over the past year. Here's to another fun-filled 52 weeks!

Now onto today's topic at hand -- Google searches.

First, a little background. I love random data and stats. (Which is surprising, since I got a horrible grade in Statistics when I took it in college.) I enjoy reading about which movie did the best at the box office, which TV show was the most watched for the week, and glancing at the New York Times Best Sellers List.

So, I became very excited with all the data and stats you're given as the author of a blog - including how people found my blog using a search engine. In the past year, most of the searches include "Gay Mormon" in some form or another, but lately, I've noticed an interesting trend. Here are some search terms that have led people to Gay Mormon Southpaw (and some were used more than once):

tom christofferson gay
todd christofferson brother
D. Todd Christofferson gay brother
tom christofferson 
Tom Christofferson gay LDS
picture of tom christofferson brother
Tom christofferson north star
tom christofferson boyfriend 
d. todd christofferson brother gay
elder d todd christophersons brother 
elder chrisofferson's brother is gay 

Yep, seems like a lot of people are curious about Tom Christofferson, the gay brother of Elder D. Todd Christofferson. I have no idea who is typing in these search terms. It could be a closeted gay Mormon who heard through the grapevine that an apostle has a gay brother. Or it could be a bunch of straight people looking for the same info. There's no way to know who these people are. But what does that tell me?  People Google stuff like this when there's a lack of knowledge among organizations, and are looking for some sort of confirmation.

So if the higher-ups from the church are reading this, maybe you should let Elder Christofferson talk about his brother in the next General Conference. I'm sure it would mean a lot. I would definitely be listening.