Page from church handbook leaked, Internet blows up

It started flowing around the 'net today as a rumor, but by the end of the day, it was all confirmed.

It leaves a sick feeling in my stomach, but at the same time, I'm really not surprised by the announcements.

Today we've learned that:

1) Children living in a same-sex household may not be blessed as babies or baptized.

2) Those in a same-sex marriage fall under the definition of apostasy.

I swear, every chance the church takes a step forward when it comes to accepting homosexuals, it takes 472 steps back.

There are a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now - mainly anger. So this post will be quite scattered.

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Most people know that I'm LDS, but a much smaller percentage know I'm gay. As news of this announcement spreads over the coming days and weeks, am I going to be seen as a homophobic jerk due to my association with the church?! At the time of this writing, 3 of the 4 broadcast TV channels in Salt Lake City are reporting the news on their homepages. (C'mon ABC 4, you're a little behind! EDIT: It's there now!) With this kind of coverage, it won't take long for this news to go national and international and I'll just want to hide and hope friends and acquaintances forget that I'm LDS.

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Today I've also been thinking a lot about the TBM gay folks. How do they feel about today's news? Are they a little upset with their own church? Or does stuff like this make their faith and devotion even stronger? Is this even a story to them? Blogger GayMormonMan, who says he's a TBM, seems a little perturbed by everything that happened today. Some of the most anti-gay marriage people I've come across are gay/SSA men married to women. I'm really curious as to what's going through their minds right now.

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Randall Thacker of Affirmation was quoted in this Salt Lake Trib article:

"I cannot imagine Jesus Christ denying any child a baptism because of the status of their parents. It goes against everything I ever thought the savior and baptism was about."

I admire Thacker's humbleness in giving a quote! My quote would have been a little on the mean/upset/angry side! 

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This commenter on KUTV's Facebook page was not as conservative as Thacker: 

"When will they stop with the hatred. Now they are involving kids. But, at the same time - I would hope a gay couple would not want their kids affiliated with that church anyway. Just sickening they felt the need to have this declared/announced. Shame on them."

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But again, should we really be surprised by all this? We all know how the church feels about same-sex marriage. I guess the leaked handbook photo and subsequent media coverage by multiple outlets (during sweeps month!) is making this all a little overwhelming. 

While the announcement bums me out, it'll be interesting to see how everyone (straight, gay, LDS, non-LDS, ex-LDS) react to this PR nightmare. (Thanks John Dehlin!) 

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Article of Faith #2 - We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression. 

June 26, 2015: The day to clean out your Facebook friends list... Oh, and the whole gay marriage thing. :)

It was a good Friday. I was so happy to witness history. Gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. (I guess we can just call it 'marriage' now.)

I think I did a record number of "Likes" over the weekend as people were proclaiming their happiness and friends (both gay and straight) changed their profile pics to the rainbow filter.

Then came the hate.

Around 95% of the rude comments I witnessed came from people claiming to be LDS. Now, I can handle a healthy argument from both sides, but the comments and snide remarks I saw were the complete opposite of Christlike. I'd love for the straight, church-going, married-in-the-temple folks to walk a day in my shoes and see if their opinions would change. (Probably not, but thought I'd throw out the opportunity.)

I then realized - I don't need these negative people in my life. It was time for a Facebook Friend Cleanse, if you will. One by one, I unfriended these people, and it felt good. I was probably going to delete these friends anyway at some point, and this weekend was the perfect time to do so. My feed is now happier and much less depressing. Facebook is a good representation of my real life, too. The more and more I separate myself from the LDS Church, the happier I've become. (Full explanation of this separation is scheduled for a future blog post.) :)

Again, I'm happy for my friends who can now marry the person they love. And I hope to do the same someday. 

And to those former FB friends - seriously - how could you NOT shed a little tear for the above couple in their 80's who waited 54 years to get married?! I mean, that's pure love right there. 

If I were Josh Weed, I'd be pretty pissed right now

It's quite obvious, but I try my best to remain anonymous. Some of you know who I am. Some know what I look like. And some of you are my Facebook friends. But I have a list of reasons as to why I hide my true identity, and what I learned today is another good reason for staying anonymous.

On Monday, I learned through a Slate article that a bunch of LDS gay men and their wives are listed in an amicus brief collaborated by an attorney in Utah. Their stories are reasons why the Supreme Court should rule AGAINST marriage equality. The brief pulled a bunch of quotes from various Voices of Hope videos, which are public record.

The Slate article pulls a quote from the brief that I found the most impactful: "a Constitutional right to same-sex marriage can only come at the cost of marginalizing and demeaning the marriages and families" of gay men married to straight women.

Seriously?! Sheesh. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be put in the same category at these guys - being gay and Mormon.

Well, today I learned that Josh Weed is pretty upset (just like me!). You see, he and his wife were listed in the amicus brief, therefore they must be against gay marriage. Turns out, they're not. According to a Salt Lake Tribune article, they did not give consent to be listed in the brief, nor do they believe in this point of view. Good for him. I'm glad he spoke up and kinda gave a big ole middle finger to the amicus brief. (I'm now curious as to the other couples listed in the brief. I'm sure none of them gave consent either, and I'm wondering if they're just as upset as the Weed's. I heard there was chatter on the North Star private FB page, which I do not belong to. Anyone care to fill us in?!)

Yes, I did call out Josh Weed in the past for posting a blog in favor of gay marriage, and then pulling it around General Conference, but I have gained a little more admiration for the guy in speaking out this week. I still am not a fan of gay men marrying women, so we're still not 100% friends yet, but this is an improvement. ;)

Back to the whole anonymous stuff I mentioned at the beginning of this post... I'd hate to have my name attached to something I didn't agree with. I warned gay Mormons a little over a year ago, to proceed with caution in recording a Voice of Hope video. My reasoning back then was your opinions about LGBT issues would likely change, and having a permanent video on the Internet may not be the best idea. Now you have to deal with your real name being included in random amicus briefs (or is it amici?!) that may or may not reflect your actual views.

The real me is careful as to what I post on social media, while the gay Mormon me continues to play it extra safe -- total anonymity.

My review of "My Husband's Not Gay" (I missed the end of the Golden Globes for this!)

Before I get to my little review, I have to pull the "You heard it hear first" card. Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about TLC's reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay." In it, I pointed out the fact that the three married dudes were all involved in "People Can Change" and Journey Into Manhood - a place for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Just a few days ago, the Salt Lake Tribune wrote an article on how the men "promote discredited 'conversion therapy'" and brought up North Star and People Can Change. I called my findings "a stretch" as to why these couples would do the show, but turns out, I was on the right track! (And c'mon Trib, where's my credit for discovering the facts?!) 

Ok, now to the good stuff. A single gay Mormon will review the show about married gay Mormons. I'm skipping the last hour of The Golden Globes to watch MHNG. (And after seeing Matt Bomer accept his award, I knew nothing else would top his beautiful face.)

Initial thoughts -- 

• The show is rated TV 14. (This made me chuckle.)
• No last names were used and at one point the Bennion's last name was blurred out. 
• For a show that has "Gay" in the title, they sure didn't say the word "gay" very much. Almost like it was a taboo word.  (SSA was used at every possible moment - 'Same Sex Attracted') 
• #MyHusbandsNotGay was a trending topic on Twitter. (Even during the Golden Globes?!) 
• Conversion therapy, People Can Change, and Journey into Manhood were never brought up. (I'm a little surprised.)  
• Pret is so dang cute. 
• Guy crushes mentioned by the SSAers: Ryan Reynolds and Tom Brady.

Review -- 

The show starts with the promo seen on YouTube the past few weeks. There was a quick intro at the beginning that gave details of the three couples. All stories were similar. Last couple was slightly different as the guy told his wife he was gay after they were married. (The last couple - Curtis and Tera - could have been cut from the show. They get hardly any attention and you don't really get a chance to like/dislike them.)  

The three couples then met together with their straight (homophobic) friend in an FHE type setting. When the gay topic came up, all the couples brought up the typical teacings and explianations from the church's "mormonsandgays.org" website. The straight friend seemed clueless about gay people, and I'm sure non-Mormons watching the show will use him as a "typical, stereotypical" Mormon. (Which makes me mad.)    

A fourth guy is introduced - Tom - I don't like the guy. He's a douche. He's discriminates against gay people, when he in fact is gay. He has a bad attitude and acts like he's better than everyone else. He tried to be funny, but just came across as rude.  

Megan (Pret's wife) grew on me; I gained respect for her. I've read some of her posts in the past and didn't care for her. After seeing her in the show, I kinda want to be her friend. Out of the 7 people featured, Megan was by far my favorite.  

Of course, when they go to dinner, a hot guy is their waiter. If I were Tanya, I'd be worried. Jeff really likes to talk about hot dudes and seems the most tempted. I've been on dates with girls and my eyes have wandered to good looking guys. Seems like this is a common occurrence with Jeff and Tanya. 

It was nice to see the other side of the story. I didn't think TLC would do this -- Jay from the Far Between Movie made an appearance and gave his story (for about 2 minutes.) In no way, was this a major part of the show, but still a nice surprise to see him. 

Then there's obligatory sad part when Pret and Megan talk about their baby who died. (But she's pregnant again!) 

Tom is set up on a blind date and ends up telling the girl at the end of the evening that he experiences SSA. They still stay in touch. 

I didn't HATE the show. (I didn't really learn anything either.) I think parents, leaders and adults will use these examples for the gay youth. "These folks are happily married, and you can be too." I DID HATE the use of the letters "SSA." I find that offensive and very disease sounding. I DO think this is an embarrassment to the LDS Church. We're trying to seem normal, and this show isn't going to help. (Read the Tweets about the show for proof.) 

And what about gay Mormons like me? When do I get to share MY story???  

Random quotes --  

"I get jealous when Pret has all his guy time."  Megan

"We don't discriminate against straight people in our prayer group." 

"I experience 'SSA,' not gay."  

"His feelings weren't reciprocal for obvious reasons."  Megan

"I'm interested in men, just not interested in men."  Tom 

"I get a little defensive when someone calls my husband gay."  Tanya

"That is a beautiful man." Jeff 

"Half the time we don't have the same tastes." Tanya 

"Does this girl know that I'm super into dudes sometimes?" Tom

Wrapping all this up -- 

There's been a lot of fighting back and forth on this dumb show. The LGBT community called for the cancellation and said it would be harmful to gay youth. North Star fought back in a not-very-Christlike way. 

In the end, the SSA folks seen in the show would like respect and acceptance and to not judge them. However, the guys would do anything in their power to split up, demonize, and discredit a loving homosexual couple - and then charge you for the "therapy."  

We made a bunch of assumptions before the show aired. Now that you've seen it, what are your thoughts?  

I'm not sure how I feel about this...

Nice arms, boys.

Hello again. Yes, it's been awhile. Take any excuse in the book and that could be used for my lack of writing. For all you Moho's out there, I hope this blog provides answers and support. You are the push I need to keep my story active.

I'm still amazed at the dozens of folks who end up on this blog looking for info on Tom Christofferson. (Seriously, D. Todd, you should really write an Ensign article or conference talk on your brother.)

Ok, now to the purpose of this post. I'm sure you've heard about the upcoming TLC reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay."  When the news articles started popping up, I was actually spending Christmas vacation with my family. I would have shared my thoughts sooner, but wasn't too keen on the idea of updating my anonymous blog with family members in the next room. :)

To sum up the show, three married couples and one single guy share their stories. The guys (all LDS) are attracted to men, but still marry/date women. I watched the trailer, and while cringing, I recognized the married guys from their Voices of Hope videos. They are also big North Star advocates, while I am the complete opposite.

I read the articles and comments that followed and really disliked the fact that these guys get a platform to share their story. I hate that these stories will be used by the parents of younger gay Mormons ("These guys can marry women, why can't you?!"). It's sad you never hear about the marriages that DO fail in the mass media. It's sad you never hear about the married men who sneak behind their wives backs and mess around. The Mixed Orientation Marriages get all the attention and support from the hardcore Mormons, and it's always rubbed me the wrong way as most MOM's end in divorce.  I've told myself that I could never marry a woman because it would be selfish. It's not fair to her as I'd never be 100% attracted to her.

But then I had an epiphany of sorts. As I started to accept myself as a gay man years ago, I became more accepting of others. I wanted to help, support, hug, etc. others going through the same thing. That led to me become more accepting of people with different beliefs, different political affiliations, just different people in general. (Basically the less Mormon I am, the more accepting and compassionate I become!) So shouldn't I accept these people who are gay (or 'obviously' bi) and choose to marry a woman? If they're happy, shouldn't I be happy? That's my dilemma. I'm single, never been married, so I can't really speak my opinion from experience. My good blogger friend, Dad's Primal Scream CAN speak from experience and has definitely expressed those views in his last blog post. (He does make some great points, by the way.) So I'm obviously on the fence about my feelings of the latest reality stars.

Now, my main question is: Why? Why would these 7 people share their story on the same network that brought you "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."  These 7 people will be mocked and laughed at for years to come, and their poor kids will be brought into the mess. The show will likely affect future job opportunities for all involved.

I did some research and found the three married men participated in Journey into Manhood by the organization "People Can Change." I've got the North Star Message Board posts to back that up. JIM is for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Ok, I said I am more accepting of a lot of things these days, but I have a hard time agreeing with this retreat! Man, I'm all over the place with this post. I'm rusty since it's been so long! 

So this brings me to one thought as to why these folks are doing the show -- Could these couples be indirectly promoting the money-making People Can Change organization?! Could the couples get some commission for new referrals?! I know it's a stretch, but this is how I think! The publicity has already worked - their Voices of Hope videos have some of the highest views (which doesn't say much) but I know there are gay Mormons who still want to marry women - and combine the reality show and the JIM retreat, and these couples are bound to get some followers.

Why else would 7 people agree to do this show that's humiliating to the LDS Church, and hasn't even aired yet? Please, enlighten me! 

And since I'm all over the place with this post - I really liked this interview with Wendy Williams Montgomery. 

I need a break.

I need a break.

I need a break from church in general.

I need a break from LDS friends who make snide comments about homosexuals; who find the thought of two men falling in love as "disgusting."

I need a break from trying so hard to be loved by members of the church, when I get more compassion and empathy from people who are no longer Mormon.

I need a break from family members who 'still' ask me when I'm going to get married.

I need a break from worrying so much about the wellbeing of Single Adults in my stake. Some are just plain crazy and need professional help; not just a priesthood blessing.

I need a break from church leaders who give the evil eye when I decide to stay at church for just one of the three hours.

I need a break from following (and obsessing over) the lives of a certain group of gay Mormons. Especially the ones who I apparently make "look bad...."

... and the ones who put gay folks into the same category as Hitler.

I. Need. A. Break.

.......and I need a break from writing about so much negative stuff. :) So, here's a pic of Chris Pratt. Ain't he pretty?

Merry Christmas, friend!

Hey guys! I've been out of the loop for the last few days. Did I miss anything?

Just kidding.

I would just like to add my excitement and happiness about the same-sex marriage ruling in Utah. I may have lost lots of work productivity time on Friday due to my devouring of news articles and Tweets. I'm shocked that same-sex marriage is legal in Utah, but not in my state.  Spoiler:  I don't live in Utah.  :)  

And shout out to Seth Anderson for his live Tweeting of the big day. I had no control of my facial expressions, as I had a smile on my face the whole time following along.

Me and my new husband!! My polygamous Mormon great grandparents would be so proud! pic.twitter.com/82xyh9GJoS
— Seth Anderson (@jsethanderson) December 20, 2013

I'm all about keeping things short and sweet so I'll just leave it with this joyful feeling. And to those who responded to all this by only posting the Family Proc for the 4th or 5th time this year -- Seriously?! You can't come up with anything original by now?!

The other reason for this post is to wish you all a Merry Christmas. This will be my last post.................  for the year. (Scared ya, didn't I?!) The holidays can be a tough time for us Moho's.  For those of us still in the closet, we may act happy on the outside, but it's still a challenge holding on to this big secret around loved ones. (And we have to get ready for random family members and friends trying to set us up with a beautiful girl because we'd be perfect for each other.) For those out of the closet, I assume there's plenty of awkward moments as well.  ("Are you SURE this isn't just a phase?!")

But no matter your situation, just know an anonymous, left-handed gay Mormon blogger loves you.

Until next year!

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.

Are you pretty enough to be in the flyer?

DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to turn into a 'Woe is me...' blog so I thought I'd take a stab at some humor. (Which means I'll likely offend some people in the process.)  Deep breath.  Here goes....

I have a few friends who belong to the North Star - and other related - Facebook groups. I have also stalked these pages a time or two. Which means, I'll get sponsored ads on my feed from said groups. Recently, I've seen ads for the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Utah. Apparently, it's this weekend.  (And goes from 9am to 6pm.  Sheesh.  What a waste of a Saturday.) But one thing stood out to me. The people in the flyer (or is it flier?) are so.... pretty. Young, attractive, clean-cut, good-looking men and women. (And then there are a few old dudes tossed in just for grins.)  Here is the flyer in question:

I'm not going to assume this is the actual demographic that will attend the conference, but I will assume the following. (This is where the humor part comes in, please bear with me.)  :-)

I assume this is how the meeting between the Faith & Feelings Committee and graphic designer went:

Member of committee:  Ok, let's build a flyer for this thing so we can get tons of people to come!  

The key word is -- PRETTY! Use one of the cute girls as the spotlight, because we gotta get these single gay guys attracted to the ladies!   

Make sure everyone looks so happy (especially the wives), despite all their "struggles."   

Go ahead and put in David Mathe$on so he can $$promote$$ hi$ Center for Gender Wholene$$, and while you're at it, to$$ in a couple other therapi$t$ a$ well.    

Make sure everyone is against gay marriage. (Sorry Josh Weed, guess you didn't make the cut.)   

Don't forget Ty Mansfield, because he just screams pretty.  

Just remember: stick with the "pretty" and "happy" theme.    

Perfect teeth is vital.   

And with whatever space you have left, add the old dudes.   

Pop in Moroni and you're done!

Yep.  That's exactly how that meeting went.  :)

My attempt at being funny is just a sidetrack from a future serious post of how groups and meetings like these are damaging to gay Mormon youth and men/women.  This is NOT an assumption.  I know this thanks to all the private conversations I've had with other gay Mormons who are afraid or not ready to be that voice.  The future post is still being written in my head.

In the mean time, I kinda wish I could attend the conference just for all the eye candy.  ;)

And a special shout out to the flyer dude two to the right of (Gay) Mormon Guy:  If you ever change your mind:

  

They just HAD to bring up the gays. (And The Weed's disappearing act.)

Before General Conference started, I really hoped they'd just skip the whole "gay" topic all together. Just skim over it and focus on other things.  In fact, after Saturday's sessions, I thought we were in the clear.

Then on Sunday, we were hit with a double whammy.  Just as I thought things we're 'getting better,' when it comes to equality, Oaks and Nelson takes us a few steps back.  

100% True-Believing-Active-Gay-Mormons are all giddy and relieved because Oaks' and Nelson's talks were just confirmation that they're "doing the right thing."  (And glancing at some Tweets, I feel that some of the SSA's are already rubbing it in our faces.)

The rest of us Moho's are left confused and upset.  Not a good weekend for us gays.  (I checked the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook groups and other blogs and feel it's safe to make this assumption.)

Uchtdorf said the church has "made mistakes" and invited people like me to return to church. The very next day, Oaks says same-sex marriage laws cannot "make moral what God has declared immoral."  Nelson then said "God's marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood or misconstrued."  (So, come back to church, but stick with those celibate ways.  Fun.)  

The above venting is probably nothing new.  We all know what was said in conference.  But here's some quiet controversy that happened over the weekend.

Josh Weed, the poster-boy of Mixed Orientation Marriage, posted quite the blog on Friday.  It was in SUPPORT of gay marriage.   He said, "I believe you can be a good, obedient, temple-recommend-holding Mormon and still support the recognition of gay marriage."  Awesome post.

In the past, I've always been weary of the Weed's and the Mansfield's because their stories are constantly used to prove that it is possible for gay guys to marry women and stay active in the church.  (Even though Josh has specifically said to NOT use his story as an example for those 'struggling with SSA.'  But it still happens.)

After reading Josh's post, I was happy.  He has tons of followers due to his friendly and humorous attitude and it was a step in the right direction. I'm all for marriage equality, and now Josh Weed is too. I like that. I read the comments below the post, and they were, of course, mixed. Some were in accordance and some, sticking with The Family Proc and the scriptures, were in total disagreement.  Still though, it was cool for someone with so much recognition to make this type of stand.  

When Oaks and Nelson were done with their talks, I was curious to see if Josh would post an update or add some sort of disclaimer.  So I returned to his site.  

And the original post was GONE.  DELETED.  WIPED AWAY as if it never even happened.

Thanks to my best friend (Google), the post still exists in cached format.  For those of you who missed it, I encourage you to read it.  EDIT: The cached version only shows 4 comments, but there were around 100 before it was deleted.

Until Josh gives an explanation for deleting this remarkable post, I'm going to call it cowardly for acting like it never happened.  Did his mind magically change over the course of two days thanks to the anti-gay conference talks?  Does he not realize that once something is up on the Internet it will NEVER go away?!  Bad move.

I'm glad this weekend is over.  Now that conference has passed, my Facebook feed can go back to arguments about politics, sports, and pictures of cats.  

UPDATE: Looks like the cached version is gone as well.  If you're really curious about reading the post, contact me.  I saved a copy on my computer.

UPDATE 2: I don't know how these cached pages work, but the post is back again, this time with over 100 comments.

UPDATE 3: He's posted an update.  Not sure yet how I feel about it.  It's emotional, but feel he wrote SO much to detract from his deleted post.  

Tale of Two Videos

Am I horrible person that I get more emotional, more goosebumps, and (dare I say) more feeling of the spirit with this wedding proposal/flash mob in Utah...

Than when I watch this active, gay Mormon share his story and struggles?

I try to feel something when I watch Video #2 (and all the others), but I got nothing.  Being gay and Mormon, I SHOULD feel something, right?!  Probably because ten years ago, I was the guy in Video #2. So focused on church and the Lord.  Big desires to marry a woman. Anything associated with "gay" was a "struggle."  But a lot has changed in ten years.  My faith in the church has dwindled, I refuse to marry a woman, and I'm happy.  Fortunately, I didn't record my story a decade ago and have it forever set in stone on the internet.  I often wonder if any of these single guys or married couples regret sharing their 'voice' to the world. If not now, give them a few years.    

Oh and BTW, the engaged couple appeared on Ellen, and when the one guys puts his hand on the other guy's leg... I just melt.

I got asked out by a guy via email...

After my post on friends, I'm about to drop a bombshell!

As 'far out' as this may seem, the following story really did happen.  Promise!  To protect those involved, I will slightly change some of the details.

Here goes.

I'm out in public a lot with my job.  I meet people through community meetings, public events, etc.  In other words, I don't sit at a desk all day.  (This is one of the reasons I'm so closeted.)

For being so 'out and about.'  It's easy for anyone to contact me.  One could easily get my (real!) email, Twitter, Facebook, etc.  Plus my (real!) name is unique enough, a quick Google search will give you any and all contact info.

One day, I get an email from a guy.  This person had seen me 'out and about' and wanted to get to know me better.  He complimented my looks and personality.  He gave enough details describing myself that everything seemed legit.  He nonchalantly asked if I was gay, and if so, he wanted to "buy me a drink or dinner."

After the first skim-through of the email, I was quite excited.  A guy interested in me?!  This just made my day.. my week..  heck, my year!  A guy asking me out on a date?!  This would be the first, and it felt so nice.

I then read the email a second time, this time more thoroughly.  And it was just too... perfect.  The phrase "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is" was going through my head.  The excitement quickly went away and I became upset.  I did a search of the email and name on Facebook and Google and got nothing.  Yep.  I was had.

But why?  Who sent me the email?  Was someone trying to out me?  Again, the email was directed to me, thanks to all the details provided within.  (This ain't no Nigerian email scam.)

I wasn't going to let this go.  So I did more research.   I learned awhile back you can take the IP address from the email and (sometimes!) get the sender's location.  I gave that a try.  If the person was local, I could respond, but avoid answering the gay question, for now.  I knew I was being had, so why not turn this into a game?!  

I took the IP address from his email, plugged it in, hit search... And my mouth dropped.

Not only did I get the sender's location, I also was given the employer of said sender.  It basically put a bullseye on him.

(I know these IP searches don't always work, but I am 95% convinced.)

I knew him.   He's a good friend who now lives in another state....  A married friend.....  LDS.....  With a family.

Why?  Why did this friend pretend to be a gay guy and fake ask me out?  Or is my friend really gay and is actually interested?  Or was it a plea for help?  If he is gay, why did he get married 'for time and eternity' to a woman then ask out people like me?  

I never wrote back.  Not his fake identity or his real identity.  If he were single, I'd contact him.  But I can't mess with someone who's married with kids.  If she somehow found out, I could possibly ruin a marriage.

I'm telling this because these are the types of stories that never get told.   I'm telling this because it's been on my mind ever since it's happened, and I've told no one.  It's starting to mess with my head, and I had to get it out in the open.  (Would YOU confront a married guy who was attempting to hide under an alias?  Am I being too overprotective of his wife and kids while he gets away with it?)   I'm tired of reading about all the happy Mormon married stories on the 'net, all while a husband is going behind his wife's back and contacting other guys.  

I do have a message to my friend, if you ever read this:  Contact me by my real email or Facebook.  To answer your question, yes, I'm gay.  Let's talk about it.  I still want to know 'why?'  Why did you make up a fake identity then contact me?  Everyone thinks you have the perfect life and job with a wonderful family.

Why?      

I'm not very good at this whole gay thing

Hopefully by now, you've picked up that I would be up to dating guys.  I feel my laid-back 'whatever' approach in my writing shows that.

When I finally got over the denial and accepted my sexuality, I made myself two promises:

1) I refuse to stay celibate.
2) I refuse to marry a woman.

Both those go against what I've learned in the church which is why I shared my struggles in my Q&A.

Here's the deal - I have yet to go out on an 'official' date with a guy.  To be honest, the idea of it kinda freaks me out.  (How do I act?  What if someone I know [from church] sees me?  Who pays?)

I've chatted face-to-face with other gay guys (all who happen to be Mormon) and it's mainly been a lot of talking.  Sharing stories and secrets with each other, venting, etc.  No real 'dates.'  And I wasn't ready for dating in my meetings with these guys.

But lately, I've been itchin' to try out the whole gay dating scene.  I prefer to find someone with an LDS background or basically the same values, but unfortunately, I've yet to find someone in this category where I live.

So let's say I do find someone, I'm still freaked out by the date itself.  And I was reminded by this just a couple days ago.

Quick story.   My car was in the shop and had to be kept overnight.  The dealership was out of loaner cars, so I went with Enterprise Rent-a-Car  ("We'll pick you up!")  I was picked up from the dealership (to take me back to Enterprise) by a very tall, attractive girl.  We chatted the whole ride.  We laughed.  We shared life stories.  We had a good time.  We were basically BFF's by the time the ride was over.  Next day.  I am taken back to the dealership by a tall, attractive guy.  Nothing.  Crickets.  We barely said a word except for his forced question of, "So... How was the car?"  The longest ride ever.  It was discouraging.  I'm all ready and excited for the new adventure of dating a guy, and I can barely even talk to this one.  (I feel the Enterprise dude was straight, but that almost seems irrelevant.)  Or should it be relevant?  So confused.

I KNOW I can talk to guys.  Heck, the first gay Mormon I ever met in person, we chatted for 8 hours straight.  But I feel my little rent-a-car experience was a setback.  I WANT to talk to guys.  I just need more practice.