Why you always gotta justify everything?

Two recent events confirmed to me just how much TBM's love to justify the church.

1) The 32 LGBT Mormons who committed suicide after the new policy.

2) Elder Bednar's comments that there "are no homosexual members of the church."

I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to dissect those 8 words that he said, and try to justify what he meant, including this 3,200-word post that seems to never end.

I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a group of apologetics who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify LGBT issues.

But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:


LABELS

Justification: Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'

My response: Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.


CLOSET

Justification: I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.

My response: She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.


ROOMMATES  

Justification: My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.

My response: I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.


THE "GAY LIFESTYLE"

Justification: My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.

My response: Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.


CRUSHES

Justification: I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.

My response: Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!


CUDDLING

Justification: Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.

My response: I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling.


APPS

Justification: I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)

My response: You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.


Why justify? From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.")  For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.

Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.

A gay Mormon's adventures on Tinder (part 2)

Hello and Merry Christmas! The Moho blogosphere has died down a bit since the unexpected announcement on the Handbook revision. I'm still pissed about it, but feel it's the right time to return to my random, light-hearted ramblings. So...let's talk about Tinder, again.

Earlier this year, I decided to join the Tinder game. The app uses your location to find potential matches/dates. You get a stack of profiles with pictures and a short paragraph, and you swipe left if the person is a "NO." Swipe right if you're interested. If you both swipe right, then it's a match, and you can chat.

I made a post right after I downloaded the app, so I was an extreme novice. My buddy over at The Mostly Unfabulous Life of a Mormon Boy requested an update (6 months ago.) So here it is!

I have a typical introductory paragraph on Tinder. Simple but nothing too "out there." But if I deleted my description and wrote about my ACTUAL life, it would be:

30-something disaffected gay Mormon who is still kind of in the closet. I've never had a serious relationship with a guy. I like cuddling. 

Fortunately, my description is nothing like the above, and I've matched with a handful of guys.

I still use the app and below you'll find a list of my experiences/thoughts on Tinder. Now, I've had some great things happen with the app and met some awesome people, but this will focus on the weirder/unique side. (because that's more fun to blog about!)

Here we go....

• I matched with a guy about 7 years younger than me who keeps calling me "Daddy."
• I did a quick Google search on a match, and found his mugshot. 
• Another Google search on a different guy led me to a match's naked pictures and videos. 
• I matched with a great guy, then found out he was married (to a woman.) Very unfortunate as the dude is hot. 
• I've learned that any guy "22 miles away" from me is most likely someone who has a long layover at the airport in my city.  (Meaning it's highly unlikely I'll ever meet this person.)
• Correct grammar is such a turn-on. 
• Height is such a big deal on Tinder, (or at least gay Tinder!) it's fascinating to me. (If anyone cares, I'm 6'1"!)
• While swiping through profiles, I found a guy who was obviously in an LDS Chapel. (carpeted walls, Jesus pic, etc.) Sadly, we didn't match. Where art thou mystery Moho?!  
• Having a co-worker pop up is quite awkward. 
• Getting compliments still makes me feel all tingly inside. 

Ok, that last one wasn't awkward. Basically I think Tinder is a nice stepping stone in this whole coming-out journey and accepting myself. I'm not hiding behind an alias. It's almost liberating that I just get to be myself.

Maybe Part 3 will be some kind of success story! :-)

You are not alone. You are loved.

Normally, when one gets some upsetting news, you need some time. A few hours to calm down, a good night's rest, some contemplation, some discussion with others. Then you move on.

I thought this would be the case after I heard the news Thursday regarding the leaked revised Handbook policy about the church excluding kids of same-sex couples from membership. I hoped to 'make sense of it all' after a couple days of cooling off.

I haven't. It still bothers me. I'm still upset (if not more upset than I was on Thursday.)

The thing is, I had a hard time pinpointing WHY I was so upset. I've distanced myself from the church over the past couple years, so in reality, this shouldn't bother me.

But it does.

During my weekend of thinking and pondering, this thought came to my mind several times: Why on earth would a gay couple want to raise their kids in the church?! In a way, I was trying to play devil's advocate so I could achieve that "moving on" process I just mentioned.

Then I came across this heartbreaking post on Facebook from Devon Gibby, the author of A Shout From the Housetops. (please read the FB post.) Ouch. Right in the feels.

Devon is gay, married a woman, had two kids. They divorced, and he now lives with his partner. Devon and his ex-wife have decided to raise their kids in the church. But because Devon now lives with his partner, the kids' membership and baptism are now in jeopardy.

He says:

"Children of felons and rapists don't even have such a harsh punishment. I'm really hurting. Just when I thought that I had found a way to live with tolerance toward the church they've come out and attacked my family in a very personal way."

I then thought of other folks who used to be in mixed-orientation marriages who have since divorced. Now their kids' membership and baptism are in jeopardy.

This is why I'm upset. As Devon said, it's an attack on the family. I'm angry because this policy affects a lot of families, families that are just trying their best to do what is right.

We are hurting. We are confused. Even a handful of TBM's are hurting.

Some other random observations from the last couple days: (because you know, I like short, random stuff)

*Of course, they got the apostle with the gay brother to make the clarification. It bothers me the church uses D. Todd everytime they need to discuss LGBT issues. "Look, even an apostle has a gay family member! We love all the gays!" (sarcasm)

*The Ex-Mormon forum on Reddit gained 130 subscribers in just one day. The average is 20. Many people are threatening to leave the church because of the new policy.

*Can't confirm - but I've seen several statements that calls to suicide hotlines have greatly increased this weekend.

*Zing. (read the whole thing)

*An astonishing 18 blog posts were made to the Moho Directory just this weekend, the majority venting about the policy changes. I've never seen so many posts in a short amount of time.

*Most of my straight, TBM Facebook friends either shared the Well Behaved Mormon Woman blog post or the one about the woman raised by two lesbians (sorry, not linking here) with the line "This is a great perspective." It's like they're doing their duty by sharing the link, then moving on. They don't get it.

We are hurting.

it's a tough weekend to be a gay mormon.

— Tyler Glenn (@tylerinacoma) November 7, 2015

While many of us can vent via a blog post or Facebook status, I'm extremely worried about those who have remained quiet. Those who are deeply closeted and are confused by all the news. Those in MOM's who have kids and thinking about their future. Those preparing to go on a mission, but now not so sure. Those who are scared to talk about this for fear of rejection.

To these people - please know that you are loved.

I love you.

You are not alone.

I've seen the above graphic many times on FB and Twitter. These resources are there for you. And I'm here too. If you need to vent, chat, etc., use the Contact Form or email me, and I'll listen (er, uh, read.)

To the leaders of North Star. I've made it very clear I don't agree with your organization. But your believing members are hurting. They are confused. They need help. Please develop a buddy system and have members check up on each other - and if possible - in person. North Star folks are extremely delicate. They need a listening ear. They need a hug. And I'm sorry, but a temple trip and fast two weeks from now ain't gonna cut it.

It's going to take some time for me to cool down. At the same time, we all need to reach out to those directly affected by these changes and show them our gratitude.

You are loved.

My rejection letter from the LDS Church

Many years ago, I was in a rut at my then workplace. I decided to put out some feelers and see what other job opportunities existed. A good friend of mine suggested I apply for a manager-type job with the LDS Church. She said I'd be good at it. I was honored that this friend thought I should apply for such a high-profile job - so I did. It was a great opportunity in a career field that I loved (and went to college for!)

I didn't meet all the requirements. The COJCOLDS wanted 10 years experience and I had about 8 in the related field. But I still thought I had a chance. Back then, I wanted this position. How cool would it be to work for the church I grew up with and devoted two years of my life for?! (I know that sentence may come across sarcastic, but I'm not really trying to be!) :-)

I freshened up my resume, wrote a nice cover letter, and applied.

This was their response:

In a world where most employers don't send out rejection letters, I was kinda surprised to get this. (Especially the "Will Not Be A Finalist" in the subject line!)

I didn't get my hopes up, but I was still kind of bummed when this showed up in the ole Inbox. Applying for jobs will always be a tedious process, and after this email it was back to the drawing board.

Today, I have a job I love, nowhere near the headquarters of the LDS Church. So the "Best wishes for your success" line in the above message actually came true.

Over the years, this simple form letter from a "No reply" email account has really made me think. What if I really did get the job?! Would I still be in the closet? Would I be miserable? Would I still be single, or pressured into marriage? Since you have to have a current temple recommend to work for the church, would I have to confess to my bishop about my "same-sex attraction?" What would I have done with the doubts about the church I've accumulated over the years?

A bunch of questions I'm glad I don't have to worry about answering.

This email I've saved for 7 years also shows how naive I was. What was I thinking?! A gay Mormon approaching 30 seriously applying to work for the church. I guess I had the mindset that I could overcome my gayness and somehow work for an organization that really doesn't know what to do with people like me. Just think, me, a gay person, would have to defend my employer regarding conference talks on traditional marriage. That would have been fun. (This time, I am being sarcastic.) 2008 was NOT that long ago! It's fascinating how much my views on homosexuality and the church have changed.  

Seven years later, I'm more than grateful I don't work for the church. That would have been an absolute recipe for disaster. Plus I would have hated wearing a white shirt and tie six days a week.

Crisis averted.

Moho Confessionals: Tell me a secret, part deux

It's time for the 2nd Annual Moho Confessionals brought to you by you, the wonderful reader!

This all started after a post I made in 2013 where I rambled off a few personal facts and thoughts. That gave me the idea to ask for facts and thoughts from you all. Days later, I had 26 confessions covering what it's like to be gay and Mormon.

It's been over a year since those 26 anonymous items were released, so I thought it would be time to do it again! (New readers, new ideas, new updates.) That last one MAY be an oxymoron.

A year ago, I did this mainly for fun, but have learned that this could be in someway cathartic. Through personal chats and conversations, I've learned that many Moho's are still very much in the closet. I've learned that some married Moho's are confused, struggling, unsure of their future. I've learned that some Moho's are having serious doubts with the church and its doctrine. I've also learned that many of you are happy being gay and life's going well. I could go on and on. Sharing these deep thoughts and feelings is a step in the right direction. We can't keep all this stuff bottled up, even if it's done anonymously.

And on that note, send me your secrets! What's on your mind? What's something few people know about you?

Use the Contact Form on the right.
Put "Anonymous" under Name.
MY email address under Email (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com.)
Give me a line or two of your secret under Message.

If you remain anonymous, and I encourage it, I have NO way to track you down. (I'm just not tech-y enough!) If you're on a mobile or tablet, you can email the above address from your fake email address. (I know you have one!)

Here are a couple from last year:

• I have a crush on my best friend. We haven't been friends for all that long (we met recently through MoHo circles), but I can't see myself living without him.
• I love fun and sexy underwear! Wearing garments was excruciating for me and I'm so glad to not be wearing them anymore. You never know, that forgettable guy in front of you in the checkout line might be me wearing bright pink briefs.

Same rules as last time. PG-13ish and nothing that could get you arrested. Don't leave anything below in the comments section.

Be funny or be serious. It's up to you! And I'll be sure to throw in a couple of MY secrets as well!

BTW, even if you're not LDS, feel free to share a secret too.

Deadline is Sunday, March 22, 2015.

Now, get to work! :)

I told the fam damily

No, I did not come out via cake.

If you were to ask me a year ago: "GMS, when do you plan on coming out to your family?" After nervously laughing for a few seconds, I would have given a lame answer like, "never." Then I would change the subject and move on. And then hope you would never ask me that question again.

Which is why I still find it hard to believe what I did during the Christmas holiday. After a series of conversations and emails, I'm officially out of the closet to my immediate family. And it feels 'really' good. Another load taken off my back as I make this crazy journey of being both gay and Mormon.

If I could sum up my family's responses in one word - it would be: perfect. They showed love, support, compassion, acceptance, understanding, etc. And not one person replied with, "I knew it." or "What took you so long?" which makes it even better. I should probably mention the word "love" again, as it was a recurring theme from my family, and to me, the most important action one could show. If I knew it would have been this easy, I would have done it years ago!

As I was thinking and preparing my coming out letter, the Tweet on the left from J.K. Rowling crossed my feed - and I had this calming feeling that everything would be alright. And it was.

For those of you still in the closet, I know how it feels, and encourage you to be open when the time is right. No rush. But it really might be easier than you think!

Moving on.. and if you're still reading this -- I've made it clear that I love data and stats. I'm constantly checking the stats and numbers for this blog and noticed this blog was recently shared on Facebook. I'm happy and excited for the extra publicity, but have no clue as to what FB page it was shared on, nor can I read and respond to the comments (if there were any.) If you got here from a FB page, could you let me know which one brought you here? Since I'm anonymous, it's totally cool if you're anonymous in using the contact form on the right.

Tell your family you love them.

Ouch. Right in the feels.

I don't know the history behind this. But a recent pic on PostSecret brought back a range of emotions.

I hope the person that mailed in this postcard soon realizes he can be happy and normal AND gay all at the same time.

This may be a good time to those holding on to the secret like the one above to reach out. I'm here (contact form on the right) and there are a multitude of gay Mormon bloggers here to chat it all out. Please don't be afraid to ask for help/guidance/support.

Dreams can come true?

A couple months ago, I stopped taking a vitamin supplement because it gave me the weirdest dreams. Nothing too scandalous but the issue was how vivid they were. I remember extremely minor details the next morning.  It freaked me out.

Recently, I've been having another round of memorable dreams without being on the supplement. This round involves guy friends. Again, nothing too scandalous but still quite vivid. The dreams include random guy friends from past and present, gay and straight. (And sometimes a stubbly Joel McHale will randomly show up.) My dreams consist of hanging out, flirting, some turn into a semi-romantic relationship, I'm almost always happy. Many people would jump on a dream interpretation site for clues and how to relate to real life. But I think I've interpreted the dreams myself without any guidance. I feel I'm so lonely being a closeted gay man that I have to build these fantasies in my mind. I've struck out when it comes to relationships (note: haven't really tried) that the dreams fulfil that want/need for attention and affection.  

The key word in the above paragraph is "closeted." Over the years, I've reached out to many other gay Mormons, and many gay Mormons have reached out to me. Those that are 'out,' always ask me the same question: "Why are you still in the closet?" And most don't beat around the bush, they ask the question quite bluntly. I usually throw out a few excuses as a response and change the subject. All while those still in the closet seem to "get" me. The loneliness is directly correlated to me being so closeted. There are days that I'm totally ready to be out and proud, then someone close to me makes a homophobic remark, and I get pushed right back in.  

I've pulled off the closet pretty well that sometimes, I wish I could get caught!!! On the couple 'dates' I've gone on with guys, I halfway wished I would see a friend or family member causing some 'splaining to do. But nope, just the other day the wife of the second counselor in the Bishopric tried to set me up with her sister.  Argh.  (The most recent 'nearly caught' was when I showed my Home Teacher my new phone and my blog popped up. Nothing earth shattering.) In fact, I'm so close to just typing my real name right here --------. I have a unique enough name I'd be easy to find.  But not yet.    

While I absoultely love my gay Mormon penpals and wouldn't give them up for anything, the distance between us is a depressing truth. (Quick reminder: I don't live in Utah, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona or California.) I could chat and email for hours til my fingers fall off, but at the end of the day, I still feel so lonely. And I continue to seek out this dream of being in a relationship; to be loved.  

In light of all this - I've tried something new as I hope to eventually leave the closet behind and squash the loneliness. I've reached out to someone in my city who used to be LDS. I 'found' him after reading a blog post of his that had to do with gays and Mormons, discovered he lived close and sent him an email - we've emailed back and forth a couple times. I like that he's an ex-Mormon with little ill will towards the church. (I think.) I mainly wanted to know where I could start finding gay friends who have similar backgrounds.  If I can't find other gay Mormons in my town, let's broaden the search a bit.

We'll see where that goes.