Many years ago, when I realized I wasn't alone, it became a relief to find other gay Mormons online and chat, share stories, and in some instances, meet in person.
But what about the everyday people I see at church? My social group? People at the church activities? There's gotta be a few more Moho's in the crowd, right?! But they're too afraid, like me, to come out to the world. Gaydar always seems to go off in Sacrament meeting. (and yes, even with the married dudes.)
I've made a few assumptions here and there among friends and acquaintances. Disclosure: I'm slightly too old to be a YSA, so I'm always surrounded by Single Adults. This means the assumptions automatically go up. I've wondered why some friends aren't married yet and my mind shifts to - 'could they be gay?' In some cases, though, I find out they're divorced. (But still, that doesn't mean anything in today's world!) Some folks in the Single Adult crowd have assumed that I'm divorced. (So basically, there's a whole lotta assuming going on.)
Sometimes, I wish us Mohos could have these invisible markers that only other gay Mormons could see. Yellow dot on the forehead, red x on the hand, rainbow mark on the back of the neck. Just something that shows, "yes, I'm gay too, let's talk about it." It probably would have made growing up Mormon a whole lot easier.
But it all goes back to being too afraid to say anything. I may assume someone is gay, but there's no way I would question them or even hint. A few people from my mission have since come out of the closet and announced their newly formed relationships or engagements on Facebook. (And surprisingly, the ratio is much higher for the sister missionaries.) I'll "Like" the status but just can't come to terms to confessing that I'm gay as well. (I have told one person from my mission. He is one of the 'fewer than 10.' He approached me first, we chatted, and I ended up coming out to him.) It was a relief, but a little exhausting at the same time.
So for now, the assumptions will continue. And I'll keep looking for those dots, X's, or rainbows. :)
