Whatever happened to....

Recently, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't know. We had some mutual friends and I used to live in her city, and since I'm a nice guy, I accepted. Almost immediately, she sent random greetings via Facebook Messenger. And when I didn't respond right away she sent question marks (???). (ProTip: Don't do this.) And if that wasn't annoying enough, she then proceeded to video call me via Messenger. I freaked. I unfriended then blocked her.

This FB stranger incident kinda indirectly made me think of some other conversations I've had with Mohos.

Since starting this blog, I've had several people reach out. I've made it clear that anyone can contact me with whatever issues they want to chat about. They have questions, they're alone, they're on the fence of church and sexuality, they need a listening ear, etc. Several pen pal friendships have popped up, all thanks to this blog. I'm extremely grateful for all the Mohos I've "met." And while folks are asking for advice, turns out the person on the other end will teach me a thing or two. Some of the conversations were simple, while others got pretty deep. Some learned my true identity and I learned theirs.

However, a few of these conversations ended abruptly. The emails stop. I rack my brain trying to figure out what happened. Do they not need my help anymore? Do they think I'll be upset because they've changed their mind on what side of the fence they're on? (I won't be.) Do they find me annoying? Are they worried about losing their anonymity? I get nervous when the conversations stop because I'm worried about their wellbeing.

I had one guy email me, severely depressed, and I carefully wrote back with what I felt was an appropriate response, only to never hear from him again. He used an alias email/name, so there was no way to check up on him. I hope he's OK.

On special occasions, (e.g. Christmas), I'll write a brief message to the former pen pals, a simple hello and hope you're well, and again, will hear nothing in return. I hope they're OK.

I hope I don't come across as the annoying girl on Facebook. I just know that some gay Mormons are delicate and could use a little check-in here and there. We all could use a little support while going through these crazy lives. Sometimes I wish they would respond with, "I'm good" or "I've moved on" or "I just don't have time to write anymore" rather than simply ignoring me. (Note that not all conversations are like this. Some have a mutual understanding of "We're good" and there's no need to continue communicating.)

The same goes for some Moho bloggers. They've stopped writing and I think 'whatever happened to....'

I also hope I don't come across as clingy. When someone reaches out to me, I immediately become interested. I care about this person. I want them to be happy. I'll do anything I can to provide sound advice or my opinion. Gay Mormons are a rare breed so I cherish every pen pal friendship. But after days, months, or yes, even years of writing, it hurts when the conversation ends with no explanation. And BTW, I have never and will never just send other Mohos question marks. :)

Am I overreacting? Am I acting like a high schooler?

Or should I just be like Elsa and 'Let it go?'

You're taking a break from the church. Now what?

Many of the Moho's I chat with privately have either left the church all together or slowly distancing themselves.

I really struggled on the social aspect since I stopped attending church. When it was time to branch out and meet new people, I was set on meeting other gay Mormons or gay ex-Mormons in person. They were in my comfort zone. But with the millions of people in a 50-mile radius of me, I can count on both hands the number of gay Mormons I know personally. I needed to branch out even more. But how?! For all my life, my main circle of friends have been LDS. Where do I go from here?

Fortunately, there ARE other ways to find friends/dates with similar interests. Below are some ways you can branch out if you've decided to suspend those weekly visits to the LDS Church.

*Reddit - If you'd like to have intelligent conversations with like-minded ex-Mormons or unconventional Mormons, Reddit is a great place to start. The ex-Mormon and Mormon forums are filled with thoughtful information; and a good amount of folks found here are gay. (Some will put a rainbow flag next to their username.) The problem with Reddit is that most people stay anonymous. The nice thing about Reddit is there is a Private Message function to contact potential new friends. If you choose to converse with ExMo's, no matter where you live, you're not alone!

*Tinder - The app helped me come out of the closet. It was the first time I've attached my face publically to a profile. Yes, you gotta weed out those just looking for hook-ups, but I still found great conversation with other gay dudes who live near me. (I have not used Grindr, Jack'd or Scruff, but I'd love to hear experiences/success stories from those who have.)

*OKCupid/Match - I signed up for OKCupid about a month ago, and have had success. I've gone on a few dates with some awesome guys. Match lets you label yourself as "LDS/Mormon" while OKCupid lets you label yourself as Christian. Many people will include the importance of church/religion/spirituality in their profile, which may help you on your search. However, there are some crazies on these sites. Be careful who you give your phone number to. (I learned this the hard way and now have to deal with a gazillion texts from a couple weirdos.)  

*MeetUp - If you're not ready to date, it's nice to find people with similar interests near you. Take note that there is an LGBT category.

*Gay Christian Network - I don't know much about the group, and the forums are kinda slow, but if you're set on finding gay people with a similar upbringing, you may peruse a bit here. After a search of the forums, you may find a local Facebook group that's likely a little more active.

*Gay sports - My buddy Evan left this comment on a blog post:   "Can I recommend gay sports? I joined a rock climbing group last year and it completely changed my social life. Everyone was so friendly, welcome, and genuine and we get to do just casual hang out stuff (this Friday some guys are going to do karaoke). I know they are particularly common in my area, but there are often a range of LGBT sports and arts groups in each city."

My point is that your social life doesn't have to evolve around Mormonism. It took me awhile to figure that out, but now I've spread my wings a bit and am in a much better place. 

What outlets have you used to find new friends/relationships/dates? Leave your thoughts in the comments! 

Sometimes I just wanna eat dinner on the patio

No idea who these people are. Just your basic stock photo. :)

First off, thanks to all of you who responded to my "Who Are You?" idea. I've got some great stories from readers and looking forward to sharing. (If you're wondering what this is all about, or you'd like to contribute - check out the last post for details.)

Moving on. The more I've accepted my sexuality, the less active I've become in the LDS Church. I've wanted to stay under the radar when it comes to church activity, and I've successfully done so. Here's how I did it:

1. Move out of the old ward.
2. Transfer records to the new ward.
3. Don't go to the new ward.

I've only been contacted twice since moving to my new place. Both included a casual invite to attend church, but neither carried much pressure.

The break from church has been nice - I'm less stressed, anxiety has gone down, and I don't feel as depressed. Plus having a full weekend - 2 whole days - is pretty dang awesome.

But there are some repercussions from flying under the radar: my social life has disintegrated. All my life, my main circle of friends have been people in my ward, stake, seminary, institute, etc. etc. Yes, there have been co-worker friends, neighborhood friends, etc., but the majority have been from church. Now that I've moved (about 25 miles) from the old ward, starting anew socially has been difficult. While I consider myself an extrovert, I've really struggled making new friends outside of the Mormon bubble.

Online friends/acquaintances suggest I look for people on Meetup or try a gay bar/church/hangout. But the thought of that gives me as much anxiety as returning to church! 

I realized just how much I miss social outings a couple weeks ago; I met up with my old group of church friends. (We could meet more often, but our current distance makes it a real challenge.) It was a simple restaurant dinner out on the patio. The weather was amazing, food was good, and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with everyone. We all laughed and had a great time. I miss these moments I've taken for granted for the past 20 years.

I know what you're thinking. "GMS, you've decided to not go to church anymore, so quit being a cry baby and find some new friends." (While the TBM's are likely suggesting I just go back to church.) And I could respond with: "Yes, you're probably right. I need to get out more." Seeing this all typed out is somewhat of a motivation to get be back on the social track. Stay tuned.

And if you think you live near me (not in Utah), hit me up! :)

Game show eye candy

I really love a good game show. While I prefer game shows from before I was born, (eg Match Game from the 70's) there are some good ones on today.

Case in point - Hollywood Game Night. It's fast paced and entertaining. And I enjoy seeing celebrities outside their acting element (and even their interviewee element too.) But the icing on the cake for Hollywood Game Night - there's some good eye candy. And yes, while there are some beautiful females on the show, I'd like to talk about the men. (Duh, I'm gay.) :)

Without further ado...

Matthew Morrison

Zachary Quinto

Jerry Ferrara

David Walton

John Legend

Curtis Stone

Mario Lopez

Dax Shepard

Joe Manganiello

Brandon T. Jackson

David Giuntoli

Jason Sudeikis

Darren Criss

Zachary Levi

Etc. etc. etc. Ok, many of the above aren't necessary A-list celebrities, but they're still pretty. And there have been many other pretty men on the show, but the above is a good sample.

Watching good looking celebrities, male and female, raising money for charity, I guess is quite the turn on!

But in a recent episode, I was a little mesmerized by two celebrity contestants:

Nate Berkus and Rocco Dispirito. Again, not A-list by any means, but these two had some sort of bromance going on that made the episode extra special. Everytime the camera went to the celebrities, I would see what these two were doing. Friendly touching, smiling at each other, arm around the other, leaning on. (Sorry, no pictures except for the one above, so you'll just have to imagine it.) Dare I say - it was kinda hot.

I can't really explain why these contestants caught my attention. (And give me a reason to write a WHOLE blog post!) Rocco is straight, married to a woman, Nate is gay married to a man. Maybe the straight/gay friendship/bromance is especially exciting to me? Maybe I'm jealous and want this type of friendship with a straight guy? Maybe it's a way to denounce homophobia? Rocco cooks, Nate decorates homes and that combination is perfect?

In any event, it was a fun, eye pleasing episode.

BTW, this week's episode (Sept. 1) includes Jeff Dye and Joe Jonas. Hmm. After typing all this out, I guess I have a thing for brunettes. :)

June 26, 2015: The day to clean out your Facebook friends list... Oh, and the whole gay marriage thing. :)

It was a good Friday. I was so happy to witness history. Gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. (I guess we can just call it 'marriage' now.)

I think I did a record number of "Likes" over the weekend as people were proclaiming their happiness and friends (both gay and straight) changed their profile pics to the rainbow filter.

Then came the hate.

Around 95% of the rude comments I witnessed came from people claiming to be LDS. Now, I can handle a healthy argument from both sides, but the comments and snide remarks I saw were the complete opposite of Christlike. I'd love for the straight, church-going, married-in-the-temple folks to walk a day in my shoes and see if their opinions would change. (Probably not, but thought I'd throw out the opportunity.)

I then realized - I don't need these negative people in my life. It was time for a Facebook Friend Cleanse, if you will. One by one, I unfriended these people, and it felt good. I was probably going to delete these friends anyway at some point, and this weekend was the perfect time to do so. My feed is now happier and much less depressing. Facebook is a good representation of my real life, too. The more and more I separate myself from the LDS Church, the happier I've become. (Full explanation of this separation is scheduled for a future blog post.) :)

Again, I'm happy for my friends who can now marry the person they love. And I hope to do the same someday. 

And to those former FB friends - seriously - how could you NOT shed a little tear for the above couple in their 80's who waited 54 years to get married?! I mean, that's pure love right there. 

I need a break.

I need a break.

I need a break from church in general.

I need a break from LDS friends who make snide comments about homosexuals; who find the thought of two men falling in love as "disgusting."

I need a break from trying so hard to be loved by members of the church, when I get more compassion and empathy from people who are no longer Mormon.

I need a break from family members who 'still' ask me when I'm going to get married.

I need a break from worrying so much about the wellbeing of Single Adults in my stake. Some are just plain crazy and need professional help; not just a priesthood blessing.

I need a break from church leaders who give the evil eye when I decide to stay at church for just one of the three hours.

I need a break from following (and obsessing over) the lives of a certain group of gay Mormons. Especially the ones who I apparently make "look bad...."

... and the ones who put gay folks into the same category as Hitler.

I. Need. A. Break.

.......and I need a break from writing about so much negative stuff. :) So, here's a pic of Chris Pratt. Ain't he pretty?

Dreams can come true?

A couple months ago, I stopped taking a vitamin supplement because it gave me the weirdest dreams. Nothing too scandalous but the issue was how vivid they were. I remember extremely minor details the next morning.  It freaked me out.

Recently, I've been having another round of memorable dreams without being on the supplement. This round involves guy friends. Again, nothing too scandalous but still quite vivid. The dreams include random guy friends from past and present, gay and straight. (And sometimes a stubbly Joel McHale will randomly show up.) My dreams consist of hanging out, flirting, some turn into a semi-romantic relationship, I'm almost always happy. Many people would jump on a dream interpretation site for clues and how to relate to real life. But I think I've interpreted the dreams myself without any guidance. I feel I'm so lonely being a closeted gay man that I have to build these fantasies in my mind. I've struck out when it comes to relationships (note: haven't really tried) that the dreams fulfil that want/need for attention and affection.  

The key word in the above paragraph is "closeted." Over the years, I've reached out to many other gay Mormons, and many gay Mormons have reached out to me. Those that are 'out,' always ask me the same question: "Why are you still in the closet?" And most don't beat around the bush, they ask the question quite bluntly. I usually throw out a few excuses as a response and change the subject. All while those still in the closet seem to "get" me. The loneliness is directly correlated to me being so closeted. There are days that I'm totally ready to be out and proud, then someone close to me makes a homophobic remark, and I get pushed right back in.  

I've pulled off the closet pretty well that sometimes, I wish I could get caught!!! On the couple 'dates' I've gone on with guys, I halfway wished I would see a friend or family member causing some 'splaining to do. But nope, just the other day the wife of the second counselor in the Bishopric tried to set me up with her sister.  Argh.  (The most recent 'nearly caught' was when I showed my Home Teacher my new phone and my blog popped up. Nothing earth shattering.) In fact, I'm so close to just typing my real name right here --------. I have a unique enough name I'd be easy to find.  But not yet.    

While I absoultely love my gay Mormon penpals and wouldn't give them up for anything, the distance between us is a depressing truth. (Quick reminder: I don't live in Utah, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona or California.) I could chat and email for hours til my fingers fall off, but at the end of the day, I still feel so lonely. And I continue to seek out this dream of being in a relationship; to be loved.  

In light of all this - I've tried something new as I hope to eventually leave the closet behind and squash the loneliness. I've reached out to someone in my city who used to be LDS. I 'found' him after reading a blog post of his that had to do with gays and Mormons, discovered he lived close and sent him an email - we've emailed back and forth a couple times. I like that he's an ex-Mormon with little ill will towards the church. (I think.) I mainly wanted to know where I could start finding gay friends who have similar backgrounds.  If I can't find other gay Mormons in my town, let's broaden the search a bit.

We'll see where that goes.

How a gay Mormon "support" group really screwed me up

Happy New Year! Everybody surviving the polar vortex?!

I'm not too thrilled starting off the new year with this post, but feel the time is right. With all the media coverage of North Star here, here, here, here, and here, it's time for me to throw in my two cents.

I'm actually quite nervous to publish this.  I fear offending someone or hurting someone's feelings. But this is my true story and experience of North Star.  And in all honesty, it was this offensive article that pushed me over the edge and gave me the desire to publish my story. (EDIT: The article has since been deleted, but thanks to the Internet Archive, here you go.) To help me with my nervous feelings, I'll provide some suggestions later on if you're contemplating in joining the group.  Here goes.    

Going through life as a gay Mormon, I've had many stages.  There's the denial stage, the maybe-I'm-gay-but-too-busy-to-do-anything-about-it stage, the gay-but-confused stage, and the gay-and-happy stage. Right at this very moment, I'm happy, content, and loving life.  But it took awhile to 'get happy.'

Years ago, at the moment I got rid of the denial and accepted my sexuality, I felt the need to find support. I can't be the only gay Mormon out there. And North Star was the go-to spot. (They were the ones who popped up in a simple Google search - gotta give credit to their SEO person.)

For those that don't know, North Star is "a place of community for Latter-day Saints dealing with issues surrounding homosexual attraction and gender identity who desire to live in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the doctrines and values of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."  There are discussion groups on Facebook and Google. They also hold scheduled firesides and they're planning their first conference later this year. North Star's brother is Voices of Hope, a "growing repository of video and written essays by [LDS] who experience same-sex attraction..."

Now, I'm the type of guy who reads the comments in Amazon before reading the product description provided by the manufacturer. So, I headed straight for some sort of discussion group before dissecting all the informational pages within North Star. After agreeing to about 10 questions, and writing a short paragraph, I was in. Awesome. I was about to meet other gay Mormons out there and go through life together, confusion and all.

The excitement quickly disappeared after getting a taste of the discussion topics. If you were to record my initial reactions, they would consist of:

"Why is everyone here so depressed?"
"Why are people here so homophobic?"
"I can't believe how many of these guys' girlfriends and wives don't know they're gay."
"Why are so many people contemplating suicide?"
"Why are so many people encouraging me to marry a woman?"
"Why are so many people touting this Journey Into Manhood program?"
"I'm really getting tired of people saying they "struggle with same-sex attraction."
"Why is there so much hate towards guys who 'live the gay lifestyle?'"
"Why is there so much discrimination?"
"Your definition of 'healthy physical touch' sounds a lot like spooning."

It was awful. And made me even more confused. I just came in contact with a bunch of self-loathing, judgmental people (who I thought I could relate to.)  I'm gay, these guys are gay, why do we disagree on so much? I'm OK with dating a guy, these North Star guys are not.

This is when the real depression set in. Am I bad person? These guys are so set in the gospel, and I disagree with their viewpoints.  Am I the one in the wrong? Am I broken?!  I was always taught to love everyone and not judge (thank you, parents.) So why do I sense so much hate, resentment, and bullying from these guys trying to live the gospel? Up to this point, I finally got to the point of accepting my sexuality, but was pushed backwards. It was definitely the most depressing time in my life - all thanks to a "support" group. For the first time, I felt like I didn't belong in my own church anymore.

I've compared North Star to a bad accident on the side of the road. You want to ignore it and keep going, but I always went back and looked - I always read and observed the discussion topics, becoming way too involved in the guys' lives. I couldn't let go. I wanted to disagree with the points being made among members, but you would immediately be pounced on by a moderator and risk being kicked out of the group if you veered away from anything non-gospel related.

It got worse. I HATE how much pressure there is for the single guys to date women and eventually get married. Celibacy is accepted, but basically frowned upon. Outside of North Star, I've never met a married gay man who recommends a Moho marrying someone of the opposite sex. I fear many of these guys are developing a false hope that some day soon they'll be married to a beautiful woman.

I now needed support to recover from the support group.  :) Back to Google, I had to feel some kind of normalcy and find others who had disastrous results with North Star. (Were there any?!)  And I found what I was searching for. The article by Dad's Primal Scream summed up all my feelings. In my continued search for other gay Mormons against North Star, I found them. Turns out, there's an underground group of guys whose lives were also screwed up by North Star. Through chats and emails, I returned to that normalcy. I came to the conclusion that I'm NOT a bad person. And it's OK to be set in my ways of refusing to be alone all my life and refusing to marry a woman. I felt like a typical Mormon again.  (But still gay!)

There may be some folks out there that could really use North Star. I've read testimonials that the group 'prevented' them from suicide. (I would really like to hear stories of HOW North Star prevents suicide.)  So in keeping with my habit of short, random thoughts, and with my anti-suicide attitude, I have some tips if you're thinking about turning to North Star for support.

• If you are prone to change your mind on everyday topics, North Star is probably not the best place for you.
• If you feel all homosexual relationships are a sin, North Star may be a good starting point. 
• You must absolutely, positively, 110% believe the church is true and can either look past the horrible things leaders have said about homosexuals, or be a darn good apologist.
• You can be 'for' gay marriage, but don't tell anyone.
• If you decide to pursue a relationship with someone of the same sex, be prepared to be dropped like a rock.  You will be judged.  
• There 'ARE' cuddle parties.
• The moderators are ALWAYS right.
• If you ask a question relating to sexuality, your answer will likely be random scriptures or quotes from church leaders. It can be VERY annoying.
• Remember, the big guns in North Star are PAID to tell you homosexual relationships are a sin.  (Many are therapists and their job is to help folks get rid of "unwanted homosexual attraction.") 
• The North Star folks like to get together and do stuff. I asked a guy heavily involved in North Star if getting a bunch of sexually repressed guys together was a recipe for disaster. His response was, "Yes, but...." I don't remember what he said after the 'but' because it's irrelevant.
• One of the creepier points I still don't get -- many of the older married guys will try to befriend the younger dudes. There's absoultely no reason for a married man to chat about sexuality with a younger guy. Again - it's a recipe for disaster.  Please only communicate with guys similar in age and experiences.  
• Read over the descriptions of North Star, Affirmation, and Mormons Building Bridges to guide you in your search for support.  

For those who want to film or write an essay for Voices of Hope, I hope you will seriously think and contemplate this action. Will you have the exact same thoughts a year from now? 5 years? 10 years? As your thought process changes, do you really want your testimonial online for everyone to see? And as we've learned with Josh Weed, once it's on the Internet, it never goes away. Within the last week, one 'Voice' has disappeared from the website. Did his outlook change only months after the video was published? ... Will your video affect future employment opportunities, etc? Not because you're gay, but because you're directly associated with some controversial folks. (Mansfield, Bennion, Matheson, etc.)  Will you be seen as fanatically conservative because of the association and a possible risk?

I honestly feel North Star and Voices of Hope will fizzle away as the world becomes more accepting of gay folks and marriage equality. In my opinion, North Star does more harm than good. Once others start realizing this and tell "their story," the ruined reputation will lead more to this fizzling.

I personally know folks active in North Star, and I personally know folks who left the group. Those who left are so much happier and have an amazing outlook on life. They have this special glow to them.  At the same time, I see some really good guys still in North Star. I wish I could help them, give them a big hug, and offer the obligatory cliche, "It gets better." (It really does!)

In conclusion, (this is turning into a term paper!) are support groups really necessary?  My biggest support comes from gay Mormon penpals! Some I've been in contact with for 2 years.  Weekly emails, texts, phone calls, check-ins.  We keep an eye out for each other, and it's the best support I can get. And we don't ONLY talk about gay stuff, so much more make up our lives besides sexuality. It's these penpals that make me happy.  And since I've started this blog, I've added a few other wonderful penpals and blogging friends. (I'm afraid to list the blogs, for fear I'll forget someone!!)  

I'm breaking one of my rules of keeping things simple. But I wanted to get all my thoughts out there at once. I would love to hear your North Star stories - good and bad - in the comment section. You can even submit them anonymously using the contact form, and with your permission, I'll publish them.

I'll try to be less serious and more funny in my next post.  :)

Stay warm.

The GMS Official Guide to Mormon Moving

**WARNING: NON-GAY POST AHEAD**

If you're Mormon, you've likely helped someone move. I feel it's one of the prerequisites to get into heaven. I've helped dozens of folks move. Move-ins, move-outs, same-city moves, same-apartment complex moves. Some went extremely well - almost perfect, and some, not so much.  

I helped a friend move yesterday (it went very well) and it gave me the idea to blog some tips on Mormon Moving. Most of the readers to this blog are Mormon and male, so this will be more amusement, but I have no issues with printing this list out and leaving it with those about to move.  :) This will mainly be for folks that are moving OUT and/or same-city moves. Moving IN is a whole 'nother challenge.  While this may seem like a rant, I find it extremely pertinent information.

GETTING HELP

• Start with the Home Teachers. That's what they're there for.  If they can't (or are too old) have them find help. That's what they're there for. 
• Avoid blanket requests in Priesthood and Relief Society. The person in the audience will just assume the person next to them will help.  
• I HATE when sign-up sheets are passed around in EQ, so use them as a last resort. 
• Make yourself known in the ward before asking for help. A single member I had never seen and never attended any activity expected all this help from the EQ. It kinda bugged me.  
• Use Facebook and post in church/friend groups. Ask that those who are available respond in the comments.  Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• No surprises. If you live on the 4th floor with no elevator, warn us in advance.  
• Please don't single out those with trucks. With the money you're saving on movers, go rent a moving truck.  

PREPARATION

• You better have EVERYTHING packed before help shows up. If I see empty boxes and clutter on the floor, I'm automatically in a bad mood.  
• Pack your stuff in legitimate boxes. Walmart bags aren't acceptable. 
• Send (a couple) reminder texts and emails. We forget stuff very easily - especially when it comes to service. Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• For same-city moves, do as much advance work as possible.  (If you can take over 5 boxes on your own, in your own car the day before - do it!)  The help you get on moving day should be for the large items.  
• Keep the move date and time appropriate. Don't expect much help if you move Wednesday afternoon at 4pm or Friday night at 7pm. Saturday mornings around 9 seems to be the golden hour.  

THE BIG DAY

• Buy food. Have donuts, juice and water when help arrives.  
• Don't observe. Load some boxes yourself and take an end of the couch. Break a sweat. 
• Don't delegate. We've done enough moves to know what we're doing. Leave us alone.  
• If a kid can't pick up a box, they're just in the way. Leave them at home.  
• For moving in - if a helper puts a box meant for the kitchen in the girl's bedroom - just let it be. You'll have plenty of time to put stuff in the right place.   
• Don't waste their Saturday. For many, it's our only free day. I've found that 1 1/2 to 2 hours is the perfect move time. Long enough to feel you've accomplished something but short enough to have the rest of the day open.  
• If you are donating or throwing away (decent) stuff, put it in a pile and offer it to your help. You'd be surprised how much they'll take.  
• Since you chose to use free help, no one is responsible if something breaks.  
• Buy food. If the move ends around lunchtime, get some pizzas. (But don't wait until everyone's finished before ordering. Your help will leave.)  

FUTURE

If the person that just helped you move, has to move a few weeks or months down the road - you better be the first one over to help them.

CONCLUSION

You're getting a bunch of free help - so please be kind. If I charged for all the times I helped move - I could by my nonexistent boyfriend a REALLY nice Christmas gift. Again, while this may seem like a rant, MOST of the time, I've had some fun and enjoyable experiences while helping others move. And I'll help the next person in a heartbeat (just as long as they're familiar with the above tips.)  ;-)

Good luck with any future moves.  

(If I left anything out, please add to the comments!)

Wanna know how your straight friends feel about gay people? Play Macklemore.

First off, I can tell by the page views my 'Weed's Disappearing Act' post generated a lot of interest on the 'net. I've decided to be a good blogger and post any updates I come across. (And not delete my original post.)  ;-)  Right now, looks like Josh is working on a NEW post on gay marriage and should be out soon. Since we have the old version, we'll all be able to compare.  :)

EDIT/UPDATE: Here's the new post. 

Ok, now for the gay story of the day.

Recently, I went to dinner with a big group of friends from church. There were 11 of us and I had a blast. It's two of my favorite things - friends and eating.  

As typical Mormons do, many broke off afterwards. Some went home and others (including me) met at a friend's place to watch a movie. After that, more broke off and a few of us (including me) went to get ice cream. A perfect night was about to end.  (I think I may have a bit of FoMO that Gay Mormon Pioneer brought up in a recent post.)   

While we were chatting in the car, finishing our ice cream, the song "Same Love" by Macklemore came on the radio. The whole time, I was saying to myself, 'Please, friends, don't say anything. Please. Please. Please.' I knew that if anyone spoke up, it would be in a negative way. And I didn't want to change the station because I actually enjoy the song. (Plus, we were in my car, and NO ONE touches my radio!) :) The song was very close to ending, when a good friend that I enjoy being around, said, "I really hate this song." 

Crap. So close.     

I stayed quiet while another person asked, "Why?" Her reply -- It has nothing to do with gay people, but the line "I can't change, even if I wanted to." She then went on a rant that anyone can change their "weaknesses and struggles." "Change is possible, etc" "Gay people don't have to be gay forever." Ouch. And once again, I just stayed quiet and tried to change the subject. I COULD have said something, but it was late, I was upset, and just wanted to go home.    

Is this the general consensus of straight folks?  That we can change at the flip of a switch? That being gay is a weakness?  It bugs me that my Mormon friends just don't get it. And then, I have to sit there with my mouth shut while friends bash others' sexual orientation. Stuff like this pushes me back more into the closet. 

Close friends just aren't ready for my story.     

Anyone else have the awkward Same-Love-comes-on-the-radio-with-friends-in-the-car experience?   

I got asked out by a guy via email...

After my post on friends, I'm about to drop a bombshell!

As 'far out' as this may seem, the following story really did happen.  Promise!  To protect those involved, I will slightly change some of the details.

Here goes.

I'm out in public a lot with my job.  I meet people through community meetings, public events, etc.  In other words, I don't sit at a desk all day.  (This is one of the reasons I'm so closeted.)

For being so 'out and about.'  It's easy for anyone to contact me.  One could easily get my (real!) email, Twitter, Facebook, etc.  Plus my (real!) name is unique enough, a quick Google search will give you any and all contact info.

One day, I get an email from a guy.  This person had seen me 'out and about' and wanted to get to know me better.  He complimented my looks and personality.  He gave enough details describing myself that everything seemed legit.  He nonchalantly asked if I was gay, and if so, he wanted to "buy me a drink or dinner."

After the first skim-through of the email, I was quite excited.  A guy interested in me?!  This just made my day.. my week..  heck, my year!  A guy asking me out on a date?!  This would be the first, and it felt so nice.

I then read the email a second time, this time more thoroughly.  And it was just too... perfect.  The phrase "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is" was going through my head.  The excitement quickly went away and I became upset.  I did a search of the email and name on Facebook and Google and got nothing.  Yep.  I was had.

But why?  Who sent me the email?  Was someone trying to out me?  Again, the email was directed to me, thanks to all the details provided within.  (This ain't no Nigerian email scam.)

I wasn't going to let this go.  So I did more research.   I learned awhile back you can take the IP address from the email and (sometimes!) get the sender's location.  I gave that a try.  If the person was local, I could respond, but avoid answering the gay question, for now.  I knew I was being had, so why not turn this into a game?!  

I took the IP address from his email, plugged it in, hit search... And my mouth dropped.

Not only did I get the sender's location, I also was given the employer of said sender.  It basically put a bullseye on him.

(I know these IP searches don't always work, but I am 95% convinced.)

I knew him.   He's a good friend who now lives in another state....  A married friend.....  LDS.....  With a family.

Why?  Why did this friend pretend to be a gay guy and fake ask me out?  Or is my friend really gay and is actually interested?  Or was it a plea for help?  If he is gay, why did he get married 'for time and eternity' to a woman then ask out people like me?  

I never wrote back.  Not his fake identity or his real identity.  If he were single, I'd contact him.  But I can't mess with someone who's married with kids.  If she somehow found out, I could possibly ruin a marriage.

I'm telling this because these are the types of stories that never get told.   I'm telling this because it's been on my mind ever since it's happened, and I've told no one.  It's starting to mess with my head, and I had to get it out in the open.  (Would YOU confront a married guy who was attempting to hide under an alias?  Am I being too overprotective of his wife and kids while he gets away with it?)   I'm tired of reading about all the happy Mormon married stories on the 'net, all while a husband is going behind his wife's back and contacting other guys.  

I do have a message to my friend, if you ever read this:  Contact me by my real email or Facebook.  To answer your question, yes, I'm gay.  Let's talk about it.  I still want to know 'why?'  Why did you make up a fake identity then contact me?  Everyone thinks you have the perfect life and job with a wonderful family.

Why?      

Hi, friend!

Warning.  There is nothing gay about this post.  (I'm allowed to do this, right?!)

I have a friend and whenever we greet each other, she always adds the word 'friend' at the end.

"Hello, friend."

"How are you, friend?"

"Good to see you, friend."

She may not even realize that she does it, but it means the world to me.  I don't need any type of confirmation that we're friends, but I love the fact that she still says it to this day.

I've relied on friends when family wasn't readily available.  I moved to a pretty foreign place after graduating college and fortunately, I made friends that became like family.  When I wasn't able to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my [real] family, these friends were right there to be the perfect substitute.  I don't know where I'd be without them.

Now that I have a friend who calls me 'friend,' it's made me realize how fortunate I am to have wonderful friends in my life.   (Let's see how many times I can cram the word 'friend' into one sentence!!)

I'm now trying to share the wealth and telling my friends how important they are in my life.  And you can give it a shot as well.  Next time you greet someone close to you, add the word 'friend' at the end.  See if their face lights up, or if they smile, or possibly even get caught off guard (in a good way.)  Or if you really want to be daring, you could sing 'The Golden Girls' theme song.  THAT I'd love to see.

Have a good week, friend.  

You know what happens when you assume...

I've always wondered how many people I know personally are gay.

Many years ago, when I realized I wasn't alone, it became a relief to find other gay Mormons online and chat, share stories, and in some instances, meet in person.

But what about the everyday people I see at church?  My social group?  People at the church activities?  There's gotta be a few more Moho's in the crowd, right?!  But they're too afraid, like me, to come out to the world.  Gaydar always seems to go off in Sacrament meeting.  (and yes, even with the married dudes.)    

I've made a few assumptions here and there among friends and acquaintances.  Disclosure: I'm slightly too old to be a YSA, so I'm always surrounded by Single Adults.  This means the assumptions automatically go up.  I've wondered why some friends aren't married yet and my mind shifts to - 'could they be gay?'  In some cases, though, I find out they're divorced.  (But still, that doesn't mean anything in today's world!)  Some folks in the Single Adult crowd have assumed that I'm divorced.  (So basically, there's a whole lotta assuming going on.)  

Sometimes, I wish us Mohos could have these invisible markers that only other gay Mormons could see.  Yellow dot on the forehead, red x on the hand, rainbow mark on the back of the neck.  Just something that shows, "yes, I'm gay too, let's talk about it."  It probably would have made growing up Mormon a whole lot easier.

But it all goes back to being too afraid to say anything.  I may assume someone is gay, but there's no way I would question them or even hint.  A few people from my mission have since come out of the closet and announced their newly formed relationships or engagements on Facebook.  (And surprisingly, the ratio is much higher for the sister missionaries.)  I'll "Like" the status but just can't come to terms to confessing that I'm gay as well.  (I have told one person from my mission.  He is one of the 'fewer than 10.'  He approached me first, we chatted, and I ended up coming out to him.)  It was a relief, but a little exhausting at the same time.  

So for now, the assumptions will continue.  And I'll keep looking for those dots, X's, or rainbows.  :)