"But, I have friends that are gay," and other things that make my skin crawl.

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. Sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a bit. I've been busy with other stuff (good, positive stuff) and put the whole blogging thing on the backburner.

This is my first post since the little North Star rant. (Holy cow, has it really been more than 3 months?!) And I want to first thank those who contacted me privately and left comments. I had never felt so nervous to publish a post, but when the comments started rolling in, I felt a sense of peace.  (BTW, anyone going to the conference?!?!)

Speaking of rants and since it's been so long since I've blogged, I have a few things all bottled up. So this post is all about stuff that bugs me. (I mean, isn't that why we all blog - to bitch and moan?!) Some local TV stations have a "What's bugging you?" segment and I thought I'd answer that question.

As a gay Mormon who's also a proponent of equal rights, I'm easily bugged.  All I need is a quick glance at the comments on my Facebook feed from the extremely conservative/anti-gay so-called friends and that's when I catch myself doing an eye roll.  (The reason for the abundance of Mitch from Modern Family.)

In keeping with my love of lists - here's what's bugging me:

• When gay people discriminate against other gay people. To this day, I still don't get it. 
• When people use the line, "I have gay friends." *Cue the eye roll again.* The line is used as a buffer before laying on, "love the sinner, hate the sin" mentality.  I see this line, but interpret as "You're still going to hell anyways."  
• When people try to take a stance by simply posting the Family Proclamation. It always seems to conveniently pop up whenever the gays are in the news.  
• When people say "the gospel will never change." Yet, blacks, polygamy, etc.  
• When those "struggling with SSA" pull the justification card.  

Let me get out of list mode for a sec as I explain the justification.  I've noticed that many SSA'ers will use this as a coping mechanism to help them overcome their attraction to the same sex.  In other words, they'll justify what they're doing as a method of improving their lives. (when in turn, it makes no sense to me.)  Here are some real justification examples I've witnessed among the North Star "support" groups.  (I ain't making this stuff up!)  OK, back to list mode.

• It's OK for me to cuddle with another guy because the more I do it, the less sexual it becomes and the more it turns into "healthy touch."
• It's OK for me to skinny dip with other guys because it helps me forget about my attractions to men.
• It's OK for me to sleep in the same bed with another guy because it improves male bonding.  
• It's OK for me as an older gay guy to spend time with younger gay guys because I'm happily married to a woman - and what I'm doing is completely harmless.   
• It's OK for me to be celibate in this life because everything will work out in the afterlife.  
• It's OK for me to be a scout leader because I am simply "struggling with SSA" and married to a woman. 

The last point is actually the main reason for this post. It bugs me to no end that the Boy Scouts pulled a church's charter because there's an openly gay scoutmaster, yet there are many men in the LDS Church with "SSA" who can still serve with scouts and in other callings.  It's not fair to the openly gay folks.  Whether you're SSA or openly gay, you're still attracted to men. I personally think the Scouts should change their policy and allow openly gay leaders, but again, it goes back to the fact that those with SSA can get away with it. And that doesn't make me happy.  

So that's what's bugging me.  What's bugging you?!  

Phew. It's good to be back and vent! I should do this more often. 

  

The GMS Official Guide to Mormon Moving

**WARNING: NON-GAY POST AHEAD**

If you're Mormon, you've likely helped someone move. I feel it's one of the prerequisites to get into heaven. I've helped dozens of folks move. Move-ins, move-outs, same-city moves, same-apartment complex moves. Some went extremely well - almost perfect, and some, not so much.  

I helped a friend move yesterday (it went very well) and it gave me the idea to blog some tips on Mormon Moving. Most of the readers to this blog are Mormon and male, so this will be more amusement, but I have no issues with printing this list out and leaving it with those about to move.  :) This will mainly be for folks that are moving OUT and/or same-city moves. Moving IN is a whole 'nother challenge.  While this may seem like a rant, I find it extremely pertinent information.

GETTING HELP

• Start with the Home Teachers. That's what they're there for.  If they can't (or are too old) have them find help. That's what they're there for. 
• Avoid blanket requests in Priesthood and Relief Society. The person in the audience will just assume the person next to them will help.  
• I HATE when sign-up sheets are passed around in EQ, so use them as a last resort. 
• Make yourself known in the ward before asking for help. A single member I had never seen and never attended any activity expected all this help from the EQ. It kinda bugged me.  
• Use Facebook and post in church/friend groups. Ask that those who are available respond in the comments.  Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• No surprises. If you live on the 4th floor with no elevator, warn us in advance.  
• Please don't single out those with trucks. With the money you're saving on movers, go rent a moving truck.  

PREPARATION

• You better have EVERYTHING packed before help shows up. If I see empty boxes and clutter on the floor, I'm automatically in a bad mood.  
• Pack your stuff in legitimate boxes. Walmart bags aren't acceptable. 
• Send (a couple) reminder texts and emails. We forget stuff very easily - especially when it comes to service. Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• For same-city moves, do as much advance work as possible.  (If you can take over 5 boxes on your own, in your own car the day before - do it!)  The help you get on moving day should be for the large items.  
• Keep the move date and time appropriate. Don't expect much help if you move Wednesday afternoon at 4pm or Friday night at 7pm. Saturday mornings around 9 seems to be the golden hour.  

THE BIG DAY

• Buy food. Have donuts, juice and water when help arrives.  
• Don't observe. Load some boxes yourself and take an end of the couch. Break a sweat. 
• Don't delegate. We've done enough moves to know what we're doing. Leave us alone.  
• If a kid can't pick up a box, they're just in the way. Leave them at home.  
• For moving in - if a helper puts a box meant for the kitchen in the girl's bedroom - just let it be. You'll have plenty of time to put stuff in the right place.   
• Don't waste their Saturday. For many, it's our only free day. I've found that 1 1/2 to 2 hours is the perfect move time. Long enough to feel you've accomplished something but short enough to have the rest of the day open.  
• If you are donating or throwing away (decent) stuff, put it in a pile and offer it to your help. You'd be surprised how much they'll take.  
• Since you chose to use free help, no one is responsible if something breaks.  
• Buy food. If the move ends around lunchtime, get some pizzas. (But don't wait until everyone's finished before ordering. Your help will leave.)  

FUTURE

If the person that just helped you move, has to move a few weeks or months down the road - you better be the first one over to help them.

CONCLUSION

You're getting a bunch of free help - so please be kind. If I charged for all the times I helped move - I could by my nonexistent boyfriend a REALLY nice Christmas gift. Again, while this may seem like a rant, MOST of the time, I've had some fun and enjoyable experiences while helping others move. And I'll help the next person in a heartbeat (just as long as they're familiar with the above tips.)  ;-)

Good luck with any future moves.  

(If I left anything out, please add to the comments!)

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.