Moho Confessionals: Here's what's on your mind.

This will hopefully be the last stock image I use
of two people telling a secret.  :-) 

A week ago, I had a crazy idea and requested anonymous secrets or confessions from you. Tell me what life is really like being gay and Mormon. Below are the 26 responses I got.  

A couple things before I let everything loose... 

I've mentioned this before, but we're not alone. We have similar challenges and some of the secrets are reassurance to the fact. 

The statements below are random, uncensored, and unedited.  Some are definitely PG13. Proceed with caution.  I did not omit any secrets. If you sent it - it's here.   

Several of you sent more than one secret, but to protect everyone, I've mixed them all up. If I need to make a clarification of who's sending the secret, I'll do so in parenthesis before the statement. 

I'd love to hear your reaction and thoughts in the comments.  I'd be game for a part 2 later on for those who weren't ready to share.  

Here we go.  (This ends my commentary.. The rest is user submitted.)  

• I found the underground gay mormon group at BYU-I the night before I left campus (and never came back).

• I have a crush on my best friend. We haven't been friends for all that long (we met recently through MoHo circles), but I can't see myself living without him.

• I have a hot bishop.  Like super hot.  And he's into extended handshakes.  Haven't told him I'm gay yet.  Wouldn't want things to change, right?

• When I was 11 or 12 and didn't yet realize I was different, my younger cousin and I would pretend we thought each other were teddy bears and hug and roll on the ground.  As I realized I was gay and realized the erotic undertones of what we did, giant teddy bears started making me anxious and still do.

• (Married male) I still struggle off and on with masturbation and pornography.  Should feel worse, but also feel like it's my sanity sometimes.  Like I'm justified or something.

• I had a crush on my childhood best friend.  He turned out gay too.  We never talked about it, but in retrospect I realized he came on to me pretty hard.  We almost got into something when we were in a tent (just the 2 of us).  He did grab my junk once and I immediately got aroused, but didn't pull away.  What might have been...

• (Married male) I'm afraid of getting back in shape for fear that a guy might hit on me and I'll like it.

• Home teaching is the biggest pain.  I hate going and I hate it when they come over.

• I met someone in my old stake years ago.  Dream guy.  Just moved to new neighborhood and guess who is my new neighbor?

• I love fun and sexy underwear! Wearing garments was excruciating for me and I'm so glad to not be wearing them anymore. You never know, that forgettable guy in front of you in the checkout line might be me wearing bright pink briefs.

• When I was young and would fantasize about guys, the situation would always include me somehow being forced to be involved, because I could never see myself instigating or voluntarily participating in a relationship with another guy unless I was somehow compelled (even though I was very very attracted to guys).  I think this is still true today, which is probably one reason I'm still anonymous.

• I'm totally out to my wife and committed, but I don't know that she will ever fully understand how difficult that is.  I love her still.

• I try to convince the world that I'm in a better frame of mind now, but I still look at every man I meet as a possible husband (and even several men I haven't even met in person!)

• (Female) I both want and don't want the LDS church to be true.  On the top of the cons list is: what if I wanna marry a woman someday.

• I've convinced myself that blogging will somehow lead me to the love of my life.

• I knew the day I got sealed to my wife, I was making a mistake. I'm still married, and yes, it's still a mistake.

• Im afraid of the MOHO dating scene. We are Mormons, and so we gossip.

• I was molested by my uncle when I was six and later when I was 14. I'm 43 now, but I've never told anyone about it. He recently was released from prison (unrelated) and my mom feels sorry for him and is trying to get my dad to reconnect with him. (They haven't had any contact since the first time he was sent to prison in 1986.)

• I had one straight missionary companion who ... all I can say is flirted with me. We come home at the end of the day and get naked...often. Nothing sexual ever happened but it was borderline gay behavior and I loved it. Funny is that he never struck me as gay.... still doesn't.

• Popcorn. Seriously. Major addiction. Someone save me.

• I hate when I come across feminine.  I'm masculine for the most part, and wish I could love the feminine side too.

• I had several experiences at BYU that were gay-ish. Once, I was working as the night clerk in a motel when someone called around 2 in the morning. "If I come there right now, can you open a room and I'll give you a BJ." I was so in denial at the time that I thought it was a friend playing a joke on me, "Who is this...come on.. Jack? Lane?" He hung up and called back and we had the same exchange... twice more. Then, I got it that whoever it was was serious, but he never called back

• Another BYU experience working at the motel at night.... I had just tried out for a play in the theatre dept. Old dude comes in late at night and starts chatting me up...and he discovers the theatre interests. He claims he had just had dinner with the director I had auditioned for and knows some inside scoop that might help me get the part. Would I like to go back to his room so he can tell me all about it? I had to wait until morning so I could leave the front desk. That's how naive I was. I really thought he had something to tell me. I did go to his room but left after he made his intentions clear.  I got the part...

• I wish there was a loophole that allowed a handful of gay hookups, but alas, I know it will never be. 

• Sometimes when I'm in a large group and see people whispering, I think they're trying to figure out whether I'm gay.  I get very uncomfortable when I see people whispering in any situation.

• (Married male) I want a guarantee I made the right choice and have been true to myself thus far.