When the alarm goes off Sunday morning, I grunt and groan more than getting up for work. I don't want to go to church. Yet I do. Nearly every Sunday.
I chat and laugh with friends but I leave church feeling empty. I've learned nothing. My belief is nearly gone. I want to hurry home, change my clothes and watch football. (I may be gay, but I still enjoy a good game.)
In attending church, I prefer to lay low as much as possible. I sit in the back and slip out quickly when church is over. I don't want any attention. But most Mormons know the moment you try to lay low, you immediately get some big calling that causes you to do the exact opposite. And I recently got THAT calling. A big one. I was soooooo close to turning it down, but just didn't have the guts to do so. Now there's more involvement, more recognition, and more meetings.
By now, you're probably wondering why I just don't leave the church and move on with my gay self. I wish it were that easy. The fact that I go to church with nearly zero faith has caused me to do some Internet research and hopefully find some sort of explanation. (Kind of when I went searching for other gay Mormons on the 'net.) Turns out, non-believing Mormons and ex-Mormons will still attend church because of 1) social reasons 2) cultural reasons and 3) family. For me, it's a little bit of all three. It's hard to let go.
While I wonder who in my ward may also be gay, I also question who may be attending church because their spouse makes them, or because they wouldn't know what else to do on Sunday's, or because they don't want to be THAT family discussed and analyzed in Ward Council. In an Elders Quorum class of 50, it's always the same 5 or 6 that answer all the questions. Are at least some feeling the same way I do about church? They'd rather have a barbecue watching football, than sit through Sunday School. How do you, my wonderful blog reader, feel about church right now?
In other news... I'm happy to say my blog hit a lil milestone - 1,000 page views. (I know that doesn't translate to anywhere near 1,000 people, but still, it puts a smile on my face.) Thank you all for your comments - both publicly and privately. Back in the day (a few years ago), reading blogs helped me get through some rough patches and I hope I can continue sharing things that may help the current generation. Plus, it's nice to get stuff out in the open. Here's to the next 1,000 views and beyond!
