When the alarm goes off Sunday morning, I grunt and groan more than getting up for work. I don't want to go to church. Yet I do. Nearly every Sunday.
I chat and laugh with friends but I leave church feeling empty. I've learned nothing. My belief is nearly gone. I want to hurry home, change my clothes and watch football. (I may be gay, but I still enjoy a good game.)
In attending church, I prefer to lay low as much as possible. I sit in the back and slip out quickly when church is over. I don't want any attention. But most Mormons know the moment you try to lay low, you immediately get some big calling that causes you to do the exact opposite. And I recently got THAT calling. A big one. I was soooooo close to turning it down, but just didn't have the guts to do so. Now there's more involvement, more recognition, and more meetings.
By now, you're probably wondering why I just don't leave the church and move on with my gay self. I wish it were that easy. The fact that I go to church with nearly zero faith has caused me to do some Internet research and hopefully find some sort of explanation. (Kind of when I went searching for other gay Mormons on the 'net.) Turns out, non-believing Mormons and ex-Mormons will still attend church because of 1) social reasons 2) cultural reasons and 3) family. For me, it's a little bit of all three. It's hard to let go.
While I wonder who in my ward may also be gay, I also question who may be attending church because their spouse makes them, or because they wouldn't know what else to do on Sunday's, or because they don't want to be THAT family discussed and analyzed in Ward Council. In an Elders Quorum class of 50, it's always the same 5 or 6 that answer all the questions. Are at least some feeling the same way I do about church? They'd rather have a barbecue watching football, than sit through Sunday School. How do you, my wonderful blog reader, feel about church right now?
In other news... I'm happy to say my blog hit a lil milestone - 1,000 page views. (I know that doesn't translate to anywhere near 1,000 people, but still, it puts a smile on my face.) Thank you all for your comments - both publicly and privately. Back in the day (a few years ago), reading blogs helped me get through some rough patches and I hope I can continue sharing things that may help the current generation. Plus, it's nice to get stuff out in the open. Here's to the next 1,000 views and beyond!
My EQ has the same. The few who always speak and the many who are quiet. I don't believe you need to have faith to go to church. You should be able to go for any reason at all!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 1,000 :)
But if you don't have faith, isn't church just a waste of time?! (Still trying to justify my inactive active attendance!)
DeleteAnd thank you. I couldn't have done it without the AMAZING Moho Directory. :)
It was the same for me. In the couple of years leading up to my leaving church, I always felt burdened with the duties in my callings. I felt like it was a second job that consumed all of my weekends. Long meetings were the worst. I just didn't feel the same about the LDS church. It's as if I'd peeked behind the curtin and I saw that wizard was no wizard at all. For me, life is so much better outside the church being my gay self. It took both myself and my now ex-wife a very long time to get to this point, but finally the guilt and the sadness have melted away and we live our lives on our own terms.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brandon for your comment. I'm not sure if you'll see this, but I'd love to discuss this topic more with you. Will you contact me using the form on the right? Or [my blog title] @gmail.com. Really interested in hearing more of your story.
DeleteI found myself at church (not LDS) the other day feeling so disconnected, not sure why I was there. I read a book during part of it, and have no real desire to go back. I do get the family pressure though. Change is hard, but it makes sense in align my actions with my beliefs.
ReplyDeleteHi yeti! Thanks for your comment. When we've been doing stuff for so long (like going to church) it becomes habit, even if we feel disconnected. I understand exactly how you feel.
DeleteI stopped attending church at the same time I came out to my parents (in 2009). After witnessing first-hand how members felt about gay people during proposition 8 I had no desire to be "that person" in the ward. Do I miss it? Not really. Sometimes I miss the sense of community, or I miss my calling, but overall, I think lots of distance from the church is really healthy for gay people.
ReplyDeleteCommunity among the ward would be the most difficult thing to let go. There really are some good people I associate with. (And I'd gladly give back my calling. I wouldn't miss that one bit!) Good to know though you've found some closure and moved on.
DeleteWhen I left home for college, my parents made the two conditions for them to pay for part of my schooling going to church and taking an institute class. At first that was the only reason I went to church since I don't believe in it. But now, three months in, I have two intensive callings in the singles ward, and I'm getting to know a lot of great people. I hate going to church for the dogmas and doctrines, but I enjoy it for the community. My life would be much less full without my parents making me attend, and I'm not sure what I'll do when I get the courage to tell them I don't believe in the church.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thanks Alex for your comment. I know exactly how you feel. I think about all the good people I hang out with - and most are part of my ward. I don't know what I'd do if I ever stopped going to church.
DeleteI actually love going to Church. It is not for the social or the community, although I do get that. I love going to Church because I know it is the Savior's church. I love that I can go, listen to beautiful music, hear different perspectives on things, and have a chance to study the scriptures.
ReplyDeleteI have had some major health issues the last few years and those have kept me home and away from more church than I have missed my entire life. And, me being 196 years old, that is a lot! I truly miss it when I am not able to be in church. On those Sundays, I get up and watch the Sacrament meeting that is played on BYU TV.
I know I am a church nerd. but, for me, the nerdier, the better. :)
By the way, I really love reading your blog. You seem so upbeat about life and things, even when it might be getting you down. You have such a great attitude and you have great energy that come through your writing. I am glad you are here, sharing your ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Thank you!
Happy night! Duck
Howdy Duck! Thanks for your comments. I'm glad you can feel the spirit while at church. You're definitely going for the right reasons. While I try to lay low and sneak out before I'm asked to say the closing prayer in Priesthood, you have the right attitude!
DeleteAnd I appreciate your kind words. It's been a great release to get my feelings out in the open.
I really enjoyed reading your article and the comments section. Members like you, me and countless others, redefine what it means to be a Mormon. The church needs us to stay viable and to continue growing. The church does great work and it is a good organization, but it will only improve as more people who live alternative lifestyles and have alternative opinions STAY active. It is the only way to make sure the culture of the church changes over time. YES, it will be a SLOW process, but it is guaranteed to work.
ReplyDelete