It's time to check in with each other again

Sunday sucked. I woke up to news notifications on my phone about the massacre in Orlando. I turned on the TV and yelled "Nooooooo" when I found out the shooting happened at a gay club.

I gasped, along with members of the media, as the death toll jumped from 20 to 50 during a press conference.

I wept as I started reading about the victims. I cried hearing about the mother who was getting text messages from her son, who later died in the attack. The victim's words "Mommy I love you" brought on so many sad, painful emotions.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've already read and taken in every printed and spoken word about Orlando, whether it be opinion, fact, or snarky remark on Twitter.

So let me get to my main point - please check in again on your LGBT/SSA loved ones, friends, acquaintances, enemies, etc.

Find out how they're doing. If they want to express their anger, listen. If they want a hug, give it to them. Tell them you love them. It's not a time to judge. And don't you dare use the words "Love the sinner, hate the sin" in any shape or form.

I use the word 'again' in the title of this blog post, as I first made this suggestion right after the policy change in the LDS Church. You can't compare the two events, but the repercussions among the LDS LGBT community are the same. Mohos are hurting. Mohos in the closet may be terrified at the thought of coming out. Recently out Mohos may feel unsafe as they experiment with dating in public. There are many differences of opinion and outlook when it comes to LGBT/SSA members of the church. But this is the time for everyone to come together in unity and strength - setting aside those differences.

My condolences to the family and friends of those involved in this horrible, senseless attack.

Why you always gotta justify everything?

Two recent events confirmed to me just how much TBM's love to justify the church.

1) The 32 LGBT Mormons who committed suicide after the new policy.

2) Elder Bednar's comments that there "are no homosexual members of the church."

I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to dissect those 8 words that he said, and try to justify what he meant, including this 3,200-word post that seems to never end.

I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a group of apologetics who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify LGBT issues.

But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:


LABELS

Justification: Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'

My response: Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.


CLOSET

Justification: I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.

My response: She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.


ROOMMATES  

Justification: My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.

My response: I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.


THE "GAY LIFESTYLE"

Justification: My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.

My response: Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.


CRUSHES

Justification: I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.

My response: Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!


CUDDLING

Justification: Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.

My response: I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling.


APPS

Justification: I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)

My response: You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.


Why justify? From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.")  For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.

Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.

My review of "My Husband's Not Gay" (I missed the end of the Golden Globes for this!)

Before I get to my little review, I have to pull the "You heard it hear first" card. Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about TLC's reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay." In it, I pointed out the fact that the three married dudes were all involved in "People Can Change" and Journey Into Manhood - a place for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Just a few days ago, the Salt Lake Tribune wrote an article on how the men "promote discredited 'conversion therapy'" and brought up North Star and People Can Change. I called my findings "a stretch" as to why these couples would do the show, but turns out, I was on the right track! (And c'mon Trib, where's my credit for discovering the facts?!) 

Ok, now to the good stuff. A single gay Mormon will review the show about married gay Mormons. I'm skipping the last hour of The Golden Globes to watch MHNG. (And after seeing Matt Bomer accept his award, I knew nothing else would top his beautiful face.)

Initial thoughts -- 

• The show is rated TV 14. (This made me chuckle.)
• No last names were used and at one point the Bennion's last name was blurred out. 
• For a show that has "Gay" in the title, they sure didn't say the word "gay" very much. Almost like it was a taboo word.  (SSA was used at every possible moment - 'Same Sex Attracted') 
• #MyHusbandsNotGay was a trending topic on Twitter. (Even during the Golden Globes?!) 
• Conversion therapy, People Can Change, and Journey into Manhood were never brought up. (I'm a little surprised.)  
• Pret is so dang cute. 
• Guy crushes mentioned by the SSAers: Ryan Reynolds and Tom Brady.

Review -- 

The show starts with the promo seen on YouTube the past few weeks. There was a quick intro at the beginning that gave details of the three couples. All stories were similar. Last couple was slightly different as the guy told his wife he was gay after they were married. (The last couple - Curtis and Tera - could have been cut from the show. They get hardly any attention and you don't really get a chance to like/dislike them.)  

The three couples then met together with their straight (homophobic) friend in an FHE type setting. When the gay topic came up, all the couples brought up the typical teacings and explianations from the church's "mormonsandgays.org" website. The straight friend seemed clueless about gay people, and I'm sure non-Mormons watching the show will use him as a "typical, stereotypical" Mormon. (Which makes me mad.)    

A fourth guy is introduced - Tom - I don't like the guy. He's a douche. He's discriminates against gay people, when he in fact is gay. He has a bad attitude and acts like he's better than everyone else. He tried to be funny, but just came across as rude.  

Megan (Pret's wife) grew on me; I gained respect for her. I've read some of her posts in the past and didn't care for her. After seeing her in the show, I kinda want to be her friend. Out of the 7 people featured, Megan was by far my favorite.  

Of course, when they go to dinner, a hot guy is their waiter. If I were Tanya, I'd be worried. Jeff really likes to talk about hot dudes and seems the most tempted. I've been on dates with girls and my eyes have wandered to good looking guys. Seems like this is a common occurrence with Jeff and Tanya. 

It was nice to see the other side of the story. I didn't think TLC would do this -- Jay from the Far Between Movie made an appearance and gave his story (for about 2 minutes.) In no way, was this a major part of the show, but still a nice surprise to see him. 

Then there's obligatory sad part when Pret and Megan talk about their baby who died. (But she's pregnant again!) 

Tom is set up on a blind date and ends up telling the girl at the end of the evening that he experiences SSA. They still stay in touch. 

I didn't HATE the show. (I didn't really learn anything either.) I think parents, leaders and adults will use these examples for the gay youth. "These folks are happily married, and you can be too." I DID HATE the use of the letters "SSA." I find that offensive and very disease sounding. I DO think this is an embarrassment to the LDS Church. We're trying to seem normal, and this show isn't going to help. (Read the Tweets about the show for proof.) 

And what about gay Mormons like me? When do I get to share MY story???  

Random quotes --  

"I get jealous when Pret has all his guy time."  Megan

"We don't discriminate against straight people in our prayer group." 

"I experience 'SSA,' not gay."  

"His feelings weren't reciprocal for obvious reasons."  Megan

"I'm interested in men, just not interested in men."  Tom 

"I get a little defensive when someone calls my husband gay."  Tanya

"That is a beautiful man." Jeff 

"Half the time we don't have the same tastes." Tanya 

"Does this girl know that I'm super into dudes sometimes?" Tom

Wrapping all this up -- 

There's been a lot of fighting back and forth on this dumb show. The LGBT community called for the cancellation and said it would be harmful to gay youth. North Star fought back in a not-very-Christlike way. 

In the end, the SSA folks seen in the show would like respect and acceptance and to not judge them. However, the guys would do anything in their power to split up, demonize, and discredit a loving homosexual couple - and then charge you for the "therapy."  

We made a bunch of assumptions before the show aired. Now that you've seen it, what are your thoughts?  

I'm not sure how I feel about this...

Nice arms, boys.

Hello again. Yes, it's been awhile. Take any excuse in the book and that could be used for my lack of writing. For all you Moho's out there, I hope this blog provides answers and support. You are the push I need to keep my story active.

I'm still amazed at the dozens of folks who end up on this blog looking for info on Tom Christofferson. (Seriously, D. Todd, you should really write an Ensign article or conference talk on your brother.)

Ok, now to the purpose of this post. I'm sure you've heard about the upcoming TLC reality show, "My Husband's Not Gay."  When the news articles started popping up, I was actually spending Christmas vacation with my family. I would have shared my thoughts sooner, but wasn't too keen on the idea of updating my anonymous blog with family members in the next room. :)

To sum up the show, three married couples and one single guy share their stories. The guys (all LDS) are attracted to men, but still marry/date women. I watched the trailer, and while cringing, I recognized the married guys from their Voices of Hope videos. They are also big North Star advocates, while I am the complete opposite.

I read the articles and comments that followed and really disliked the fact that these guys get a platform to share their story. I hate that these stories will be used by the parents of younger gay Mormons ("These guys can marry women, why can't you?!"). It's sad you never hear about the marriages that DO fail in the mass media. It's sad you never hear about the married men who sneak behind their wives backs and mess around. The Mixed Orientation Marriages get all the attention and support from the hardcore Mormons, and it's always rubbed me the wrong way as most MOM's end in divorce.  I've told myself that I could never marry a woman because it would be selfish. It's not fair to her as I'd never be 100% attracted to her.

But then I had an epiphany of sorts. As I started to accept myself as a gay man years ago, I became more accepting of others. I wanted to help, support, hug, etc. others going through the same thing. That led to me become more accepting of people with different beliefs, different political affiliations, just different people in general. (Basically the less Mormon I am, the more accepting and compassionate I become!) So shouldn't I accept these people who are gay (or 'obviously' bi) and choose to marry a woman? If they're happy, shouldn't I be happy? That's my dilemma. I'm single, never been married, so I can't really speak my opinion from experience. My good blogger friend, Dad's Primal Scream CAN speak from experience and has definitely expressed those views in his last blog post. (He does make some great points, by the way.) So I'm obviously on the fence about my feelings of the latest reality stars.

Now, my main question is: Why? Why would these 7 people share their story on the same network that brought you "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."  These 7 people will be mocked and laughed at for years to come, and their poor kids will be brought into the mess. The show will likely affect future job opportunities for all involved.

I did some research and found the three married men participated in Journey into Manhood by the organization "People Can Change." I've got the North Star Message Board posts to back that up. JIM is for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions." Ok, I said I am more accepting of a lot of things these days, but I have a hard time agreeing with this retreat! Man, I'm all over the place with this post. I'm rusty since it's been so long! 

So this brings me to one thought as to why these folks are doing the show -- Could these couples be indirectly promoting the money-making People Can Change organization?! Could the couples get some commission for new referrals?! I know it's a stretch, but this is how I think! The publicity has already worked - their Voices of Hope videos have some of the highest views (which doesn't say much) but I know there are gay Mormons who still want to marry women - and combine the reality show and the JIM retreat, and these couples are bound to get some followers.

Why else would 7 people agree to do this show that's humiliating to the LDS Church, and hasn't even aired yet? Please, enlighten me! 

And since I'm all over the place with this post - I really liked this interview with Wendy Williams Montgomery. 

Is Tom Christofferson a game changer?

UPDATE on 8-6-15 -- Since this is, by far, the most read post on my blog, I feel the need to add this -- I've heard through the grapevine that Tom is no longer with his partner and is currently working on rebaptism to the church. This blog post he wrote doesn't directly confirm this, but gives details here and there. When asked on the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook page if Tom is still with his partner, Kendall Wilcox of Far Between said: "Tom has not shared all the details of how his relationship with his partner has evolved so respect and circumspection in speculating about the nature of the "break-up" is best advised." 

ORIGINAL POST  ---

I'm surprised this hasn't been discussed more on the blogosphere. Either I'm thinking too much about the topic or the Moho Blogging Scene is slowly dying. (I really hope it's not the later.)

First, this is nothing new: gay Mormons who 100% want to stick with the gospel and its doctrine have two choices.

1. Remain single.
2. Marry someone of the opposite sex.

I refuse to follow those two, so I'm obviously not 100% in accordance. But many gay Mormons/SSA'ers are.

What I'm trying to get to - I was surprised (in a good way) that Elder D. Todd Christofferson's brother, Tom, was invited to speak at the recent North Star conference.  Y'all already know how I feel about North Star, so need to elaborate on the organization.

Tom has quite a story and currently lives with his partner Clarke in Connecticut. For more backstory, here's a talk he gave earlier this year in Arizona.  But wait, North Star folks are 100% in accordance with the church doctrine and Tom doesn't comply with the above two choices.

Does Tom's story bring on a third possibility?

3. Be in a same-sex relationship but still be active in the church.

I'm seriously curious because I haven't seen much response and reaction post-conference. All the media attention happened before the conference, and most of the spotlight was put on Tom (who wasn't even a main speaker.)

I've met, both in-person and in online forums, those who in no way would seek out a same-sex relationship, but does Tom's story change things?  Does it give more hope?

Could it be that North Star is softening their stance?  (The conspiracy theorist in me thinks North Star is losing members so they are exploring all options, rather than being so strict in accepting only those who follow the first two qualifications.)  I started to think they were softening their stance, but then they put out stupid stuff like this, and I change my mind. 

Whatever the reason to bring in Tom, I think it's a step in the right direction. It removes some of the guilt and shame some gay Mormons carry.  It shows we don't HAVE to be lonely.  It's nice to know that there are more than two options, and possibly be accepted by friends and family if remaining single or marrying someone of the opposite sex is not your forte.

Next thing we know, Ty Mansfield will speak out FOR gay marriage!  (Ok, ok, I guess we shouldn't go THAT far.)

"But, I have friends that are gay," and other things that make my skin crawl.

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. Sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a bit. I've been busy with other stuff (good, positive stuff) and put the whole blogging thing on the backburner.

This is my first post since the little North Star rant. (Holy cow, has it really been more than 3 months?!) And I want to first thank those who contacted me privately and left comments. I had never felt so nervous to publish a post, but when the comments started rolling in, I felt a sense of peace.  (BTW, anyone going to the conference?!?!)

Speaking of rants and since it's been so long since I've blogged, I have a few things all bottled up. So this post is all about stuff that bugs me. (I mean, isn't that why we all blog - to bitch and moan?!) Some local TV stations have a "What's bugging you?" segment and I thought I'd answer that question.

As a gay Mormon who's also a proponent of equal rights, I'm easily bugged.  All I need is a quick glance at the comments on my Facebook feed from the extremely conservative/anti-gay so-called friends and that's when I catch myself doing an eye roll.  (The reason for the abundance of Mitch from Modern Family.)

In keeping with my love of lists - here's what's bugging me:

• When gay people discriminate against other gay people. To this day, I still don't get it. 
• When people use the line, "I have gay friends." *Cue the eye roll again.* The line is used as a buffer before laying on, "love the sinner, hate the sin" mentality.  I see this line, but interpret as "You're still going to hell anyways."  
• When people try to take a stance by simply posting the Family Proclamation. It always seems to conveniently pop up whenever the gays are in the news.  
• When people say "the gospel will never change." Yet, blacks, polygamy, etc.  
• When those "struggling with SSA" pull the justification card.  

Let me get out of list mode for a sec as I explain the justification.  I've noticed that many SSA'ers will use this as a coping mechanism to help them overcome their attraction to the same sex.  In other words, they'll justify what they're doing as a method of improving their lives. (when in turn, it makes no sense to me.)  Here are some real justification examples I've witnessed among the North Star "support" groups.  (I ain't making this stuff up!)  OK, back to list mode.

• It's OK for me to cuddle with another guy because the more I do it, the less sexual it becomes and the more it turns into "healthy touch."
• It's OK for me to skinny dip with other guys because it helps me forget about my attractions to men.
• It's OK for me to sleep in the same bed with another guy because it improves male bonding.  
• It's OK for me as an older gay guy to spend time with younger gay guys because I'm happily married to a woman - and what I'm doing is completely harmless.   
• It's OK for me to be celibate in this life because everything will work out in the afterlife.  
• It's OK for me to be a scout leader because I am simply "struggling with SSA" and married to a woman. 

The last point is actually the main reason for this post. It bugs me to no end that the Boy Scouts pulled a church's charter because there's an openly gay scoutmaster, yet there are many men in the LDS Church with "SSA" who can still serve with scouts and in other callings.  It's not fair to the openly gay folks.  Whether you're SSA or openly gay, you're still attracted to men. I personally think the Scouts should change their policy and allow openly gay leaders, but again, it goes back to the fact that those with SSA can get away with it. And that doesn't make me happy.  

So that's what's bugging me.  What's bugging you?!  

Phew. It's good to be back and vent! I should do this more often.