Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Why you always gotta justify everything?

Two recent events confirmed to me just how much TBM's love to justify the church.

1) The 32 LGBT Mormons who committed suicide after the new policy.

2) Elder Bednar's comments that there "are no homosexual members of the church."

I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to dissect those 8 words that he said, and try to justify what he meant, including this 3,200-word post that seems to never end.

I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a group of apologetics who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify LGBT issues.

But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:


Justification: Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'

My response: Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.


I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.

My response: She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.


My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.

My response: I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.


My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.

My response: Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.


I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.

My response: Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!


 Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.

My response: I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling.


Justification: I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)

My response: You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.

Why justify? From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.")  For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.

Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.

1 comment:

  1. Great post and good issues to discuss. You sum up that habit so many Mormons have of "moving the goal posts" all the time. I gave up having any conversations with them because of it, because it was pointless.

    I remember the son of a Mormon family we knew was gay and I got so sick of hearing that he was "struggling with his sexuality" when what he was really struggling with was the condescending and horrible psychological and emotional bullying - dressed up as "love" - from his selfish parents.

    The "gay lifestyle" is another of those phrases that gets used because it implies choice, seediness and ignores the fact that there is no such thing as "a" gay lifestyle.