Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I'm not very good at this whole gay thing

Hopefully by now, you've picked up that I would be up to dating guys.  I feel my laid-back 'whatever' approach in my writing shows that.

When I finally got over the denial and accepted my sexuality, I made myself two promises:

1) I refuse to stay celibate.
2) I refuse to marry a woman.

Both those go against what I've learned in the church which is why I shared my struggles in my Q&A.

Here's the deal - I have yet to go out on an 'official' date with a guy.  To be honest, the idea of it kinda freaks me out.  (How do I act?  What if someone I know [from church] sees me?  Who pays?)

I've chatted face-to-face with other gay guys (all who happen to be Mormon) and it's mainly been a lot of talking.  Sharing stories and secrets with each other, venting, etc.  No real 'dates.'  And I wasn't ready for dating in my meetings with these guys.

But lately, I've been itchin' to try out the whole gay dating scene.  I prefer to find someone with an LDS background or basically the same values, but unfortunately, I've yet to find someone in this category where I live.

So let's say I do find someone, I'm still freaked out by the date itself.  And I was reminded by this just a couple days ago.

Quick story.   My car was in the shop and had to be kept overnight.  The dealership was out of loaner cars, so I went with Enterprise Rent-a-Car  ("We'll pick you up!")  I was picked up from the dealership (to take me back to Enterprise) by a very tall, attractive girl.  We chatted the whole ride.  We laughed.  We shared life stories.  We had a good time.  We were basically BFF's by the time the ride was over.  Next day.  I am taken back to the dealership by a tall, attractive guy.  Nothing.  Crickets.  We barely said a word except for his forced question of, "So... How was the car?"  The longest ride ever.  It was discouraging.  I'm all ready and excited for the new adventure of dating a guy, and I can barely even talk to this one.  (I feel the Enterprise dude was straight, but that almost seems irrelevant.)  Or should it be relevant?  So confused.

I KNOW I can talk to guys.  Heck, the first gay Mormon I ever met in person, we chatted for 8 hours straight.  But I feel my little rent-a-car experience was a setback.  I WANT to talk to guys.  I just need more practice.


  1. Although I grew up with an anxiety disorder that caused me to be really shy I outgrew it as I matured into an adult(the shy part). I usually find myself starting conversations with strangers rather than the other way around. Don't take it as a personal failure if someone doesn't respond to you. It's their problem not yours. Just stay upbeat and friendly and most people will respond in kind. I will say guys tend to be more reserved though.

    1. Thanks for the tip, Adon. I enjoy reading your comments.

  2. (Sorry, I'm bombarding your blog with comments as I catch up!) I think if you're nervous about dating, it makes sense that you struggle to communicate with guys. Sometimes I think timing just isn't right for two people to be able to communicate. No worries. You'll figure it out as you practice more, like you said.

    I have to say that I can relate so well with the first half of this post. I think I've also decided that there's no way I can stay celibate, and there's no way I will marry a woman. I've been flirting with dating, but it's still very slow going. (I believe it's harder when you're not out.) Anyway, I have been interacting with a guy from a dating site, and ... it's just a lot of small talk. (Which I loathe.) I always wonder if I'm supposed to be taking the lead because I'm older, or what. I laughed out loud at "Who pays?" because I'm thinking of writing a blog post about that stuff. It's like... not only do we not really know what other guys are gay, we don't know if they're supposed to be the instigator or we are. At least with women I knew that society had decided I had to instigate. It's confusing stuff!

    1. No worries about the comments. I enjoy reading them.

      I have several reasons as to why I won't marry a woman - which I hope to share in the future.

      And yes, dating girls was a pleasant experience for me, but the thought of dating guys is just downright confusing!

  3. I don't think your situation with Enterprise guy has any sort of application as to what a real date would be like. It's a whole different ball game when there is the potential for attraction and both of you know it. That's not to say that you won't have awkward dates - sometimes people just don't click, or the attraction won't be mutual. But there will be dates where the conversation is great, the attraction is mutual, and it will be an entirely new experience.

    As for the technicalities of gay dating, I really don't think they are that big of a deal. Generally speaking, the person who asks is the person who pays. That said, on nearly every date I have ever been on, both of us have tried to pay. The winner is usually whoever is fastest with the credit card. There are no set rules as to who is supposed to take the lead in conversation... and... are you starting to see the trend here? One of the great things about gay relationships is that there are no "rules" or "trends" or neat little boxes that you have to fit into. Have fun getting to know other guys, and enjoy finding the many ways to make a relationship work for both of you.

  4. Thanks for your comment, El Genio. The Enterprise guy was just a random dude that upset me because I kept comparing him to the girl.

    And good to know there are no rules or trends. It's comforting knowing this going forward.

    So... pick you up this Friday at 7? haha.

  5. I have SO much experience in the world of gay dating. In fact I've been on a whopping FIVE dates! :-D And I have to say...I really enjoyed them. Once I got past worrying about who would pay and all that jazz, It got a ton easier. I just kind of play it by ear.

    Don't be afraid to be a little chivalrous, still. It's still dating. You're still trying to impress the guy. Do what you can to make him feel attractive, wanted, and interesting. :D

    1. Five is pretty impressive - good for you! And great advice. All that stuff I tried to do with girls, I'll just give it a shot with the dudes! :)