Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I'm not very good at this whole gay thing
When I finally got over the denial and accepted my sexuality, I made myself two promises:
1) I refuse to stay celibate.
2) I refuse to marry a woman.
Both those go against what I've learned in the church which is why I shared my struggles in my Q&A.
Here's the deal - I have yet to go out on an 'official' date with a guy. To be honest, the idea of it kinda freaks me out. (How do I act? What if someone I know [from church] sees me? Who pays?)
I've chatted face-to-face with other gay guys (all who happen to be Mormon) and it's mainly been a lot of talking. Sharing stories and secrets with each other, venting, etc. No real 'dates.' And I wasn't ready for dating in my meetings with these guys.
But lately, I've been itchin' to try out the whole gay dating scene. I prefer to find someone with an LDS background or basically the same values, but unfortunately, I've yet to find someone in this category where I live.
So let's say I do find someone, I'm still freaked out by the date itself. And I was reminded by this just a couple days ago.
Quick story. My car was in the shop and had to be kept overnight. The dealership was out of loaner cars, so I went with Enterprise Rent-a-Car ("We'll pick you up!") I was picked up from the dealership (to take me back to Enterprise) by a very tall, attractive girl. We chatted the whole ride. We laughed. We shared life stories. We had a good time. We were basically BFF's by the time the ride was over. Next day. I am taken back to the dealership by a tall, attractive guy. Nothing. Crickets. We barely said a word except for his forced question of, "So... How was the car?" The longest ride ever. It was discouraging. I'm all ready and excited for the new adventure of dating a guy, and I can barely even talk to this one. (I feel the Enterprise dude was straight, but that almost seems irrelevant.) Or should it be relevant? So confused.
I KNOW I can talk to guys. Heck, the first gay Mormon I ever met in person, we chatted for 8 hours straight. But I feel my little rent-a-car experience was a setback. I WANT to talk to guys. I just need more practice.