Thursday, September 26, 2013

Tale of Two Videos

Am I horrible person that I get more emotional, more goosebumps, and (dare I say) more feeling of the spirit with this wedding proposal/flash mob in Utah...

Than when I watch this active, gay Mormon share his story and struggles?

I try to feel something when I watch Video #2 (and all the others), but I got nothing.  Being gay and Mormon, I SHOULD feel something, right?!  Probably because ten years ago, I was the guy in Video #2. So focused on church and the Lord.  Big desires to marry a woman. Anything associated with "gay" was a "struggle."  But a lot has changed in ten years.  My faith in the church has dwindled, I refuse to marry a woman, and I'm happy.  Fortunately, I didn't record my story a decade ago and have it forever set in stone on the internet.  I often wonder if any of these single guys or married couples regret sharing their 'voice' to the world. If not now, give them a few years.    

Oh and BTW, the engaged couple appeared on Ellen, and when the one guys puts his hand on the other guy's leg... I just melt.


  1. Gay Mormon Southpaw here as well ;-).

    I feel like I am in the same boat as you on this. I used to be way more active in North Star 4-5 years ago. It's funny watching many of the friends I made their change attitudes over time. Several of the contributors to their community voices page are no longer affiliated with the organization. Two out of four of N*'s co-founders are no longer affiliated (including the original president). I also went on a camping trip with 3 other guys from North Star. One was planning on going on a mission soon, one was married to a woman and claimed to not having a crush on a guy in years, and one of them is a cofounder. All of us, but the cofounder, are no longer associated with the organization.

    I honestly don't think North Star is necessarily as bad as some people make it out to be. For me, it was a stepping stone. I met a lot of good people through that site. But I am just curious how much they are considering the long term perspective of this Voices of Hope project. There will definitely be contributors who will feel very differently 5 or more years from now and may not even want their videos published.

    As a side note, did you know that North Star was intended to be more like a "Mormons Building Bridges" group? It originally wasn't supposed to be a place to encourage celibacy, marriage, Journey Into Manhood, etc.

    1. Hi Evan! (and fellow lefty)

      After I posted this, and anytime I say something negative about North Star, I ask myself if I went too far. I'm glad there are others who agree with me. This will make it easier to share more of my North Star story.

      You're correct, North Star can be a good stepping stone and a place to find other gay Mormons. But you MUST be 100% committed to the gospel, and if you show any signs of straying, you're basically dropped like a rock. I have a feeling that the North Star atmosphere has changed even since you left.

      I did hear through the grapevine that North Star was a little more lenient back in the day, and you weren't judged for the path you chose. My how times have changed!

      Thanks for stopping by, Evan! I enjoy reading your blog!

  2. I don't know how I could feel the Spirit while I hear people elucidating the pain they've been through in being gay and Mormon. It's never like, "Oh... they're SO incredibly happy! There's the solution to all my problems." Which is kind of how I used to feel when I would "feel the Spirit." It was, "Oh, that is a great solution for my life, and it would make me happy!" When I watch these kinds of things I just think things like, "Huh, this guy seems like a nice young guy. Too bad he's not dating!" Haha, I don't think I thought I was THIS jaded, but apparently I am. I think the fact that my discovering I was actually fully gay coincided with the end of two or three years of having serious doubts about the church made it so easy to just say, "I'm gay. Guess I'm not really going to believe in the church now." I don't know if I'm making any sense or any statements worth reading right now. Sorry, I'm just in a terrible mood and venting! Uh... have a great day everyone!

    Oh, and I LOVE the video of the guys at Home Depot. My gay friend shared that on FB a while back and it took a lot not to just out myself by liking it, sharing it, and telling everyone how great it is. It is great. (Loved them on Ellen getting a bunch of random money and stuff!)

    1. It is hard to feel the spirit as the guys talk about the pain of being gay and Mormon. Since I (and you) know what they're going through, it's a sense of 'feeling sorry for' than warm fuzzies. I know if they would just accept and BE themselves, the pain would start to go away and they'd be happy.

      And yes, I've watched the engagement video several times and it never gets old. Very nice for Ellen to pay for their honeymoon.

  3. I love the Home Depot Video. I melt every time I see it. And I cry.

    I hope I get there some day.

    1. Just make sure you record your proposal as well, and it can be your own little Voice of Hope. (See what I did there?) :)