Sunday, September 15, 2013

You know what happens when you assume...

I've always wondered how many people I know personally are gay.

Many years ago, when I realized I wasn't alone, it became a relief to find other gay Mormons online and chat, share stories, and in some instances, meet in person.

But what about the everyday people I see at church?  My social group?  People at the church activities?  There's gotta be a few more Moho's in the crowd, right?!  But they're too afraid, like me, to come out to the world.  Gaydar always seems to go off in Sacrament meeting.  (and yes, even with the married dudes.)    

I've made a few assumptions here and there among friends and acquaintances.  Disclosure: I'm slightly too old to be a YSA, so I'm always surrounded by Single Adults.  This means the assumptions automatically go up.  I've wondered why some friends aren't married yet and my mind shifts to - 'could they be gay?'  In some cases, though, I find out they're divorced.  (But still, that doesn't mean anything in today's world!)  Some folks in the Single Adult crowd have assumed that I'm divorced.  (So basically, there's a whole lotta assuming going on.)  

Sometimes, I wish us Mohos could have these invisible markers that only other gay Mormons could see.  Yellow dot on the forehead, red x on the hand, rainbow mark on the back of the neck.  Just something that shows, "yes, I'm gay too, let's talk about it."  It probably would have made growing up Mormon a whole lot easier.

But it all goes back to being too afraid to say anything.  I may assume someone is gay, but there's no way I would question them or even hint.  A few people from my mission have since come out of the closet and announced their newly formed relationships or engagements on Facebook.  (And surprisingly, the ratio is much higher for the sister missionaries.)  I'll "Like" the status but just can't come to terms to confessing that I'm gay as well.  (I have told one person from my mission.  He is one of the 'fewer than 10.'  He approached me first, we chatted, and I ended up coming out to him.)  It was a relief, but a little exhausting at the same time.  

So for now, the assumptions will continue.  And I'll keep looking for those dots, X's, or rainbows.  :)  



  1. I know exactly what you are saying. I too have wondered if I was the only gay/bisexual in the forest of LDS men and boys. (I am an older man and have been married for almost 40 years to a wonderful women. You can read more of my story on my blog

    I too wished there was a way to tell. Being older, I empathize with the youth and adults of all ages who are struggling with being gay and feeling isolated. I would also like to have a close friend that I could talk to and spend time with. Being gay is lonely when living incognito.

    How about a universal gay hand shake. When I shake hands with anyone I feel has the potential for being gay, I give their hand two or three soft squeezes as I shake their hand. It's been interesting to see and hear their responses to it. I wished it worked definitively. And too bad the single ear ring thing didn't work..bit too obvious for me of course.

    Hang in there...Adon

    1. BTW...Just wondering if you were in the New England area?

    2. Hey Adon. I know your blog well!

      That's interesting about the handshake. It actually reminded me of something. I went on a date (with a girl!) to the engagement party of her brother. I know, not the best date idea, but I don't think she wanted to go alone. Well, the gaydar immediately went off on the brother as soon as I met him. (He was getting ready to marry a beautiful woman.) There was a moment at a tight spot in the kitchen where he scooted past me and instead of placing his hand on my back to pass by, it was a prolong, extended rub! I then thought.. 'hmm. that was odd.' But maybe he was trying your handshake! Interesting.

      And no, I'm nowhere near New England!

  2. That sounds like something I would do myself....Adon

  3. I think the only way to tell is in the eyes. There is a guy that I think is very likely gay, and he and I have had some interesting exchanges of glances that made me think we both communicated it to each other. I know that sounds weird, but I'm pretty sure he and I were thinking the same thing. I'll be out walking my dog sometimes and sometimes I will have similar exchanges that make me think the other man is gay. It's in the eyes I tell ya!

    1. You're right. The eyes are another cue. They can give away a lot!