tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13020663531031824902024-02-21T01:46:05.691-06:00Gay Mormon SouthpawLefties Rule.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-88486682033861458022017-01-02T16:54:00.000-06:002017-01-02T16:54:42.762-06:002017: The year of moving on<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVz_hm_1L3De8WStXjm7oaat5aMVKapp-UDMd1rmAmU-nPWcIVbLq9Af3lURb2m_f92WF6dUBAkUMON5Wy3GkJmFWiP2P23U6kFjM_Aj9BciWpHCZPMU8838Z1HCy3ROkM9dKePO60b8tx/s1600/Happy-New-Year.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVz_hm_1L3De8WStXjm7oaat5aMVKapp-UDMd1rmAmU-nPWcIVbLq9Af3lURb2m_f92WF6dUBAkUMON5Wy3GkJmFWiP2P23U6kFjM_Aj9BciWpHCZPMU8838Z1HCy3ROkM9dKePO60b8tx/s320/Happy-New-Year.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Happy New Year!<br />
<br />
Nearly 365 days ago, I branded 2016 as "<a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2016/01/2016-year-of-being-adventurous-and.html" target="_blank">the year of being adventurous and trying new things.</a>" And in those 12 months, I'd say I succeeded. <br />
<br />
I don't want to bore you with all the little details, but I will point out 2 things that made 2016 adventurous:<br />
<br />
1. I jumped on the OKCupid bandwagon and went on my first official date with a guy. (Followed by more dates with other guys!)<br />
<br />
2. I publically came out as an <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2016/06/bye-lds-church-i-am-done.html" target="_blank">ex-Mormon/non-believer</a>.<br />
<br />
2016 was a great year.<br />
<br />
And on that note, I'm labeling 2017 as the 'year of moving on.'<br />
<br />
Since I don't consider myself Mormon anymore, I need to completely separate myself from the religion and, well, move on. <br />
<br />
I struggled a couple months ago, having the desire to date/hang out with <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2016/09/falling-into-old-habits-dating-mormon.html" target="_blank">gay Mormons</a>. These Mohos are all great people, but still held on to some belief in the church. This caused confusion and conflict.<br />
<br />
I need to move away from the 'gay Mormon' moniker and just be known as 'gay.' (And for those that hate labels - then I'm a 'person.') :-)<br />
<br />
The good thing is I'm doing better now than 6 months ago when I came out as an ex-Mormon:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I've spent less time perusing the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/mormonsbuildingbridges/" target="_blank">Mormons Building Bridges Facebook</a> page, and even less time reading the heartbreaking stories in the <a href="http://northstarlds.org/" target="_blank">North Star Google group</a>. If news was happening in the Moho world, I probably wouldn't know about it. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>It's been a challenge, but I've spent (a little) less time on the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/" target="_blank">ex-Mormon Reddit</a> page. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I wrote (in my head) various responses to <a href="http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Gay Mormon Guy's</a> recent blog posts, but decided it's not worth the effort. (It would just return to the conflict & confusion I mentioned earlier.) </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I've stopped obsessing in the lives of those who are gay and stay faithful to the church. I used to get upset when a gay Mormon would announce his engagement to a woman. I used to get upset when a gay guy chose the church over dating dudes. Now, to be honest, I don't care anymore. The church and the "plan of salvation" always trumps worldly gay desires for these guys, so trying to talk someone out of the church would be wasted breath. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I've stopped <a href="https://www.instagram.com/harveyandrew/" target="_blank">stalking this Instagram page</a> to see if he's changed his mind from all the stuff he said <a href="http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=62#.WGrSIfkrLIV" target="_blank">here</a>. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I do, however, continue to stalk <a href="https://www.instagram.com/hunterschwarz/" target="_blank">LDS journalist Hunter Schwartz</a> because he's yummy. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I did not set foot in an LDS church building in 2016, and hope to do the same in 2017. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>When people ask about my religion, I now use the line "I was raised Mormon," instead of "I am Mormon." (This was tough to do at first, but I'm slowly feeling more comfortable to say this.) </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>For some guilty pleasure reading about sexuality, I'm now hooked on books by <a href="http://www.jaybellbooks.com/" target="_blank">Jay Bell</a>, which have nothing to do with Mormonism or religion - just some good ole gay fiction.</li>
</ul>
<div>
Now, over the years I've met some amazing gay Mormons/ex-Mormons through this blog or in other forums. And I will continue to communicate with these people both digitally and in-person (You know who you are!) These folks are a major part of my life and a definite exception from my "moving on" goal. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But for the most part, I hope to get Mormonism out of my life completely. It caused so much heartache and anger in the first 30 years of my life, why should I continue to give it any recognition? I learned very quickly the line "Can leave the church, but can't leave it alone" is very accurate. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But in 2017, I've decided to leave it alone. </div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-67513334265709507412016-09-25T14:16:00.000-05:002016-09-26T23:49:32.972-05:00Falling into old habits: dating Mormon guys<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK3rcRlS-t25GF-VBGdgrg2s4oPN4V0-w6o0HhUMZTGw6o4dZSjRbPYqyu9b86G6JSmEKiP-H-5Yi89G-yRJRMyGmZ1u8D_46ipHdTmwwEQ7V_02k1nYoR6S4Zqg9Wpy4Bb15CQTNIT3Uv/s1600/Mormon-Missionary-Position-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK3rcRlS-t25GF-VBGdgrg2s4oPN4V0-w6o0HhUMZTGw6o4dZSjRbPYqyu9b86G6JSmEKiP-H-5Yi89G-yRJRMyGmZ1u8D_46ipHdTmwwEQ7V_02k1nYoR6S4Zqg9Wpy4Bb15CQTNIT3Uv/s320/Mormon-Missionary-Position-4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Hello! How's everybody doing? The Moho blogosphere has been kinda quiet and uneventful as of late, and I too haven't had much motivation to speak my mind. But it's a quiet Sunday and thought I'd toss out a random story.<br />
<br />
In <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2016/06/bye-lds-church-i-am-done.html" target="_blank">my post where I said 'so long' to the LDS Church</a>, I made a comment that my social and dating circle has grown by leaps and bounds since separating myself from Mormonism. That statement is still true, but I've also fallen into an old habit: only seeking out Mormon guys to date. I don't know why. I consider myself an ex-Mormon, yet still find myself attracted to others with an LDS background. I guess the ole "Can leave the church but can't leave it alone" statement really resonates with me.<br />
<br />
Many years ago, a friend actively involved in <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">North Star</a> said, "I will never date guys, but if I did, I would never date another Mormon." When he said this, I thought he was crazy. But now, all these years later, I understand why he made that comment.<br />
<br />
For example...<br />
<br />
I met a Moho on Tinder. Very sweet, caring, little younger than me. He actively dates guys, yet still actively goes to church every week. His bishop doesn't seem to care. He has his doubts about the church, but he'd rather attend church with his friends that contemplate the veracity of the gospel.<br />
<br />
I met another Moho on OKCupid. He <b>was</b> married to a woman and has a couple kids. (He's now divorced.) Former Bishopric counselor. Very compassionate, patient, amazing cuddler. He doesn't attend church anymore, but still believes the LDS Church is the only true church on the face of the earth.<br />
<br />
Another Moho dates men, stopped attending church, but still has LDS themed art and temple pictures hanging in his home. He'll tell me that he misses going to church.<br />
<br />
It's been a challenge to go out with Moho's with conflicting beliefs. I've had a few disagreements with these guys in casual conversations.<br />
<br />
(I'm sure you're curious as to how I 'find' all these Mormons. When using apps like Tinder or OKCupid it's easy to spot the Mohos. Profiles with BYU or BYU-Idaho or Univ. of Utah, etc. will always catch my attention. Plus when you land on a Tinder profile and together you have more than 5 mutual friends that are LDS, chances are that person is also LDS.)<br />
<br />
It's frustrating, but I know how these guys feel. I was on the fence for so long! Trying to balance my homosexuality with my church attendance. It wasn't until I decide to leave one (the church) and accept the other (my gayness) that I saw the light and became perfectly content. So why am I still attracted to the fence sitters?! I do not try to de-convert these guys and persuade them to leave like I did. I guess I don't have an answer.<br />
<br />
Finding other gay Mormons makes for an easy conversation starter. It's the perfect ice breaker. (You're gay AND you served an LDS mission?! So did I!) Bam. Instant friendship. But the more you find out about each other, the more confused you get. (I should have listened to my North Star friend - he actually had a point!) A year ago, I wouldn't have a problem going out with these guys. But now as a non-believer, it's turned into a deal breaker. (Yep, I used ice breaker and deal breaker in the same paragraph!)<br />
<br />
So in the never-ending battle of dating guys, I need to focus more on people who have no knowledge of the LDS Church. (Or ex-Mormons. I don't have a problem going out with people who have completely left the church, like I have.) ... We'll just not leave it alone together. :)<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-6325082301058510702016-06-13T20:10:00.001-05:002016-06-13T20:10:53.534-05:00It's time to check in with each other again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcrYcy1LzelDILsob9pUy0rZ4IpnzpEtosjwCUE2_BNhs_6-wbfyokdDhmvmUkVF9hAjSGNN_35xhjHheMUd3g3b8PFlCbKF2v7wcq_s8L5Q41gQL8FsutfFxk2zl6ultoZWaz-4n3eJOV/s1600/orlando.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcrYcy1LzelDILsob9pUy0rZ4IpnzpEtosjwCUE2_BNhs_6-wbfyokdDhmvmUkVF9hAjSGNN_35xhjHheMUd3g3b8PFlCbKF2v7wcq_s8L5Q41gQL8FsutfFxk2zl6ultoZWaz-4n3eJOV/s320/orlando.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Sunday sucked. I woke up to news notifications on my phone about the massacre in Orlando. I turned on the TV and yelled "Nooooooo" when I found out the shooting happened at a gay club.<br />
<br />
I gasped, along with members of the media, as the death toll jumped from 20 to 50 during a press conference.<br />
<br />
I wept as I started <a href="http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/pulse-orlando-nightclub-shooting/victims/os-pulse-nightclub-orlando-shooting-victims-htmlstory.html" target="_blank">reading about the victims.</a> I cried hearing about the <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/mom-shares-tragic-texts-missing-son-mass-shooting-article-1.2671082" target="_blank">mother who was getting text messages</a> from her son, who later died in the attack. The victim's words "Mommy I love you" brought on so many sad, painful emotions. <br />
<br />
I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've already read and taken in every printed and spoken word about Orlando, whether it be opinion, fact, or snarky remark on Twitter.<br />
<br />
So let me get to my main point - please check in again on your LGBT/SSA loved ones, friends, acquaintances, enemies, etc.<br />
<br />
Find out how they're doing. If they want to express their anger, listen. If they want a hug, give it to them. Tell them you love them. It's not a time to judge. And don't you dare use the words "Love the sinner, hate the sin" in any shape or form. <br />
<br />
I use the word 'again' in the title of this blog post, as <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/you-are-not-alone-you-are-loved.html" target="_blank">I first made this suggestion right</a> after the policy change in the LDS Church. You can't compare the two events, but the repercussions among the LDS LGBT community are the same. Mohos are hurting. Mohos in the closet may be terrified at the thought of coming out. Recently out Mohos may feel unsafe as they experiment with dating in public. There are <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2013/11/calling-yourself-gay-mormon-just-doesnt.html" target="_blank">many differences of opinion and outlook </a>when it comes to LGBT/SSA members of the church. But this is the time for everyone to come together in unity and strength - setting aside those differences.<br />
<br />
My condolences to the family and friends of those involved in this horrible, senseless attack.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-35118674272524835472016-06-05T13:48:00.000-05:002016-06-25T18:49:13.069-05:00Bye LDS Church. I am done. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3FLYPmO11KbhTRBjsMwbKtYz76kciEushx1_UYtqofCg7C2jOLI-AucQJDywwKBeNe48DnEKm-mfjCOeLnk6JDNw-uTn4SOF_8a-sIO2-jsvwjkFroer2zbOg3EqfpWVHNdTrHRC_0S_/s1600/0fd5f629cdfa85f1d99b3797941acc00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3FLYPmO11KbhTRBjsMwbKtYz76kciEushx1_UYtqofCg7C2jOLI-AucQJDywwKBeNe48DnEKm-mfjCOeLnk6JDNw-uTn4SOF_8a-sIO2-jsvwjkFroer2zbOg3EqfpWVHNdTrHRC_0S_/s320/0fd5f629cdfa85f1d99b3797941acc00.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
All these thoughts have been in my head for the last couple weeks. I'm just gonna put it all out there! Here goes.<br />
<br />
I do not consider myself a member of the LDS Church anymore. I do not believe anymore. There is no place in the church for gay people. You may now call me an ex-Mormon. I am done.<br />
<br />
In this post, I hope to explain my transition, plus I have a few messages for those I've followed over the years.<br />
<br />
<b>Simply being gay wasn't a good enough reason to leave</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<i>(Please note that these feelings I'm about to share were well before the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/page-from-church-handbook-leaked.html" target="_blank">policy change</a> and <a href="http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/mormon-leader-we-are-not-bigots-because-there-are-no-homosexual-members-of-the-church/" target="_blank">Bednar saying I don't exist.</a>)</i><br />
<br />
I once believed that leaving the church for the sole reason of being gay was a cop out. This is why I stayed on the fence for so many years. Other gay Mormons stayed with the gospel. The gay guys were even marrying women. Why couldn't I?!<br />
<br />
As I worked to reconcile being a believing member of the church with my attraction to men, I befriended (via email) <a href="https://dadsprimalscream.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Dad's Primal Scream</a>. We emailed a couple times. I read, dissected, and pondered all his blog posts. I love the way he writes and his vantage point of being both gay and LDS. BUT, there was a section of his blog that I refused to touch: <a href="https://dadsprimalscream.wordpress.com/search-ponder-and-pray/" target="_blank">Why I Left Mormonism</a>. I was so enthralled by all his other posts, I was afraid his exit story would influence me as well. I WANTED to believe in the church. I was making a huge sacrifice by squashing all these gay feelings and staying diligent to the organization I gave two years of my life for, plus many, many hours on Sundays and other random days of the week. I was happy to be a CTR-ring-wearing-Mormon (on the outside.) <br />
<br />
<b>Losing the faith</b><br />
<br />
If you've read my blog from the beginning, you've probably noticed a change in my attitude towards my own religion. My negativity for the church and its practices has slowly increased. In the span of three years, I've gone from full activity to the church with callings, to '<a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/08/i-need-break.html" target="_blank">taking a break</a>,' to non believing ex-Mormon status. (I have not officially resigned yet, but plan to do so.) <br />
<br />
<b>Shelf breaking</b><br />
<br />
The 'breaking of the shelf' is a term former Mormons use when they realize the church isn't true. I recently came to the conclusion that there's no place in the LDS Church for gay people, but I still needed that extra proof, or icing on the cake. I had to know, through my own research, the church is false. So I went back to the <a href="https://dadsprimalscream.wordpress.com/search-ponder-and-pray/" target="_blank">"Why I Left Mormonism"</a> post by Dad's Primal Scream. I read the <a href="http://cesletter.com/" target="_blank">CES Letter</a>. I read and had healthy discussions with the folks at the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/" target="_blank">ExMormon Reddit</a> forum - who are amazing people, BTW. Each piece of truth about the church slowly broke my shelf - leading me to where I am now - a nonbeliever. Even if I wasn't gay, I feel I'd lose my belief in the church through all the research I've done.<br />
<br />
The <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/you-are-not-alone-you-are-loved.html" target="_blank">change in policy</a> was the final straw. It made me so angry. If I were closer to Utah, I would have likely participated in the <a href="http://kutv.com/news/local/group-holds-mass-resignation-from-lds-church-in-slc-saturday" target="_blank">mass resignation event</a>. Even during my "break," I hoped the church would somehow make nice with us Mohos. (or simply leave us alone.) But no, for every step forward, there were 10 steps back. The church ain't true and they continue to <strike>treat gay people like crap </strike> lead <a href="http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/johnwright/32_young_lgbt_mormons_have_committed_suicide_since_early_november_group_says" target="_blank">gay members to suicide</a>.<br />
<br />
I AM DONE. <br />
<br />
<b>To the folks at Affirmation/Mormons Building Bridges/Mama Dragons </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I love you all. I really do. I love that you provide a safe haven for LGBT Mormons. I love that there are straight parents defending their gay children. I love that <a href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/rainbowmormon" target="_blank">so many of you wore rainbow ties</a> and pins today in connection with Pride month. I love it that you come out in full force of love and support when a Moho gets kicked to the curb by their parents, or even scarier, contemplates suicide. Keep doing what you're doing.<br />
<br />
But to those hoping to change the Brethren's mind on how the church treats/accepts gay people, I feel your words are falling on deaf ears. I know in my lifetime, nothing will change. And as we've seen in the past year, <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/you-are-not-alone-you-are-loved.html" target="_blank">it's only gotten worse.</a> To those who remain active AND date someone of the same sex, please choose one and forget the other. (And since my theme of this post has been there's no place in the church for gay people, I think you know where I'm going.) <br />
<br />
<b>To the folks at North Star </b><br />
<br />
We've had a <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">hate/strong dislike relationship</a> over the years. The organization has some amazing members. There are also members who are self-loathing homophobes who are literally poisoning the younger members with their rhetoric. (Oh, you also have a <a href="http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voices.php" target="_blank">few poster child(ren)</a> who are doing stuff you'd probably not be happy about.) :)<br />
<br />
I do love the fact you've slowly separated from <a href="http://www.peoplecanchange.com/" target="_blank">People Can Change</a> and other gay conversion therapies. (If I had to come up with one positive thing to say, that would be it.) But due to your indirect association with <a href="http://northstarlds.org/evergreen-international/" target="_blank">Evergreen,</a> you will ALWAYS be seen as the group that tries to convert gay people to straight. Every time an news article is posted about North Star, there's always a comment that suggests, "aren't you guys that group that tries to change gay people to straight and encourage marriage to the opposite sex?" <br />
<br />
In one of my <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2013/09/who-is-gms.html" target="_blank">first blog posts</a>, I said a gay man should never marry a woman. <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/12/im-not-sure-how-i-feel-about-this.html" target="_blank">I loosened my stance</a> over the years and thought if two people truly love each other, they can do what they want. (And extra bonus points for those in a mixed-orientation marriage who can support those in a same-sex relationship.) Now I don't know what to think. What happens if the gay man married to a straight women (or gay woman married to a straight man) loses the faith like I did? Do they feel stuck in their marriage? What if they realize that gay is OK, and would rather be with someone of the same sex.<br />
<br />
I feel North Star got a big kick in the pants after the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/09/appearing-on-tlc-network-will-only-get.html" target="_blank">TLC controversy,</a> and I hope the group continues to disintegrate into oblivion. If you must find support among the LGBT Mormon community, please stick with MBB and Affirmation.<br />
<br />
<b>My big F-U to the LDS Church </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
This happened in the strangest of all places: My first real date with a guy. All my life, the church hinted homosexuality was wrong, that I wasn't supposed to have these feelings, I should suppress them and just date women. So I did. After so many years of dating the wrong gender, I had my first date with a guy in my 30s. Yes, that's right, in my freakin' 30s. F-U LDS Church.<br />
<br />
I felt stuff I never felt before with that first dude date. I had butterflies beforehand. He got to the restaurant before me, and as I walked to the door I thought, 'Can he see me? What does he think of me? Do I look OK? Do my clothes look nice?' I felt comfortable during the date. I was able to be myself. I smiled the whole time. I felt all tingly inside. I enjoyed walking downtown after dinner. I loved chatting. I loved the genuine hug at the end. I thought about him and the date the whole drive home. I was still smiling. I loved his text at the end of the night. I loved thinking about him the next morning. Half my life I dated women, and never had one of these feelings. (In my weeks of contemplating this post, it's this paragraph that makes me the most emotional.) <br />
<br />
At times I feel childish to put the blame on the church for keeping me from these tingly feelings. But since Mormonism had such a massive impact on my life, that yes, I do feel it's appropriate to place the blame here. F-U LDS Church. <br />
<br />
<b>Family reaction</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
After <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/01/i-told-fam-damily.html" target="_blank">coming out as gay,</a> I came out as a nonbeliever of the church. (And you thought coming out of one closet was tough!) Everyone was supportive. Some are active, some aren't. But all gave me the same love and compassion from when I came out as gay. No one told me to 'just read my scriptures and fast and pray and you'll want to go back.' It was basically, 'whatever makes you happy.' Some were surprised I lasted so long in the church. Even straight members think there's no place in the church for gay people.<br />
<br />
<b>Happiness </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I have the same feelings now that many ex-Mormons have. Life is so much better outside of the church. Gone is the stress of 3-hour meetings on Sunday and finding time to Home Teach. I now have two whole days to do whatever I want during the weekend. It's nice having that extra 10% back. I loved getting rid of garments. (I've kinda become an underwear snob now!! Makes up for nearly 13 years of wearing the same thing!) I love going out on dates with guys, and not feel the guilt and shame the LDS Church shoved at me all my life. I think it would have been difficult to rid these things "just because I'm gay." Knowing the church is a big lie made it easier (and worth it.)<br />
<br />
Through my posts, I've made <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/08/cafeteria-gay-mormons-have-it-hardest.html" target="_blank">several references</a> to "wasted time" as I sat on the fence of full LDS involvement and being gay. While I could bitch and complain about all those years of confusion, that doesn't bring me happiness. But looking ahead to the future does.<br />
<br />
<b>What now?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I will continue to live my life as a gay ex-Mormon. I used to only feel comfortable around other Moho's or gay ex-Mormons, but my social and dating circle has grown tremendously since leaving the church. It's nice to have conversations with people without bringing up religion. <br />
<br />
I will continue to share my story and experiences. And as always, I'm here to chat privately about whatever is on your mind.<br />
<br />
But if you're on the fence like I was, don't waste your time. Study the resources I used that led to my disbelief and go from there. You can do it. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-65627553521238499602016-04-17T20:18:00.001-05:002016-04-17T20:22:35.705-05:00Whatever happened to....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsK-Wti5FTS75CGInE8UhLIe0F9LwaSkD72T4rF1InjqCALrL2U-tp19_RME4djqCnviHnCRQA6JOFeo788eM_FfsXQKOiO-3PM3tJDAeZu-B118U2bPmk72MBY-d5Ua9OjH6iwS6UtWy5/s1600/Question-Rage-Face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsK-Wti5FTS75CGInE8UhLIe0F9LwaSkD72T4rF1InjqCALrL2U-tp19_RME4djqCnviHnCRQA6JOFeo788eM_FfsXQKOiO-3PM3tJDAeZu-B118U2bPmk72MBY-d5Ua9OjH6iwS6UtWy5/s320/Question-Rage-Face.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Recently, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't know. We had some mutual friends and I used to live in her city, and since I'm a nice guy, I accepted. Almost immediately, she sent random greetings via Facebook Messenger. And when I didn't respond right away she sent question marks (???). (ProTip: Don't do this.) And if that wasn't annoying enough, she then proceeded to video call me via Messenger. I freaked. I unfriended then blocked her.<br />
<br />
This FB stranger incident kinda indirectly made me think of some other conversations I've had with Mohos.<br />
<br />
Since starting this blog, I've had several people reach out. I've made it clear that anyone can contact me with whatever issues they want to chat about. They have questions, they're alone, they're on the fence of church and sexuality, they need a listening ear, etc. Several pen pal friendships have popped up, all thanks to this blog. I'm extremely grateful for all the Mohos I've "met." And while folks are asking for advice, turns out the person on the other end will teach <b>me</b> a thing or two. Some of the conversations were simple, while others got pretty deep. Some learned my true identity and I learned theirs. <br />
<br />
However, a few of these conversations ended abruptly. The emails stop. I rack my brain trying to figure out what happened. Do they not need my help anymore? Do they think I'll be upset because they've changed their mind on what side of the fence they're on? (I won't be.) Do they find me annoying? Are they worried about losing their anonymity? I get nervous when the conversations stop because I'm worried about their wellbeing.<br />
<br />
I had one guy email me, severely depressed, and I carefully wrote back with what I felt was an appropriate response, only to never hear from him again. He used an alias email/name, so there was no way to check up on him. I hope he's OK.<br />
<br />
On special occasions, (e.g. Christmas), I'll write a brief message to the former pen pals, a simple hello and hope you're well, and again, will hear nothing in return. I hope they're OK.<br />
<br />
I hope I don't come across as the annoying girl on Facebook. I just know that some gay Mormons are delicate and could use a little check-in here and there. We all could use a little support while going through these crazy lives. Sometimes I wish they would respond with, "I'm good" or "I've moved on" or "I just don't have time to write anymore" rather than simply ignoring me. (Note that not all conversations are like this. Some have a mutual understanding of "We're good" and there's no need to continue communicating.)<br />
<br />
The same goes for some Moho bloggers. They've stopped writing and I think 'whatever happened to....'<br />
<br />
I also hope I don't come across as clingy. When someone reaches out to me, I immediately become interested. I care about this person. I want them to be happy. I'll do anything I can to provide sound advice or my opinion. Gay Mormons are a rare breed so I cherish every pen pal friendship. But after days, months, or yes, even years of writing, it hurts when the conversation ends with no explanation. And BTW, I have never and will never just send other Mohos question marks. :) <br />
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Am I overreacting? Am I acting like a high schooler?<br />
<br />
Or should I just be like Elsa and 'Let it go?'<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-60648894838800709062016-03-29T21:46:00.000-05:002016-04-07T22:45:54.488-05:00OMG I can't believe you ate breakfast at Cracker Barrel... on a Sunday?!?!?! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When a Facebook friend posts a photo on a Sunday from a restaurant or other retail establishment, I love digging through the comments looking for "that guy." You know, the guy (or girl) who either directly or very subtly calls out the OP for 'breaking the Sabbath.'<br />
<br />
Try it next time your cousin posts a pic on Sunday from the dairy aisle of Wal Mart. I bet you a dollar you'll find in the comment section either "On a Sunday?!?!?!" (directly) or "Ahh. So that's where Elders Quorum was meeting today." (indirectly)<br />
<br />
I love it when the OP actually takes a moment to respond to the passive aggressive commenter. Sometimes, they'll say "That pic was taken on Saturday." Sometimes, they'll say, "Yeah, so?!" But I'm sure the OP would rather respond with a simple "F%&# you."<br />
<br />
Same thing happens when someone posts a <a href="http://www.ldsliving.com/Watch-Ellen-DeGeneres-Gives-Returned-Missionary-a-Huge-Surprise/s/80480" target="_blank">heartwarming video</a> of Ellen DeGeneres doing something really nice. There's always "that guy" who has to bring up her sexuality in a negative way. "Well, Ellen's nice and all, but I can't support her lifestyle." *eye roll*<br />
<br />
Every time I see comments like these, I just wanted to get inside the commenters head. What are they trying to accomplish with the condescending comments? Do they think they're fulfilling a Priesthood (or Relief Society) duty by calling out people doing stuff on Sunday? Are they just trying to be funny? (They never come across as a comedian; just a big jerk!) Are they looking for details so they can tattle to their leaders, or make it the topic of an upcoming Sacrament meeting talk. <br />
<br />
I knew a guy who refused to watch football on Sunday. Fine with me. Do what you want. But he took <i>every</i> open opportunity to tell people that he doesn't watch football on Sunday. Priesthood lessons, FHE gatherings, random chitchats. After the 3rd or 4th time I heard it, it got a little annoying. Don't even think about inviting him to a Super Bowl party; you'll get quite an earful. We, his friends and acquaintances, started to feel uncomfortable, and even a little guilty since we all watched football on Sunday. Again, what fulfillment was this guy getting by always telling people that he never watched football on the Sabbath Day?<br />
<br />
I respect what you choose to do and not do on Sundays - and to my Jewish friends - on Saturday. :) There's just no need to call out others for how they decide to spend the day.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-31697500730136388412016-03-23T21:44:00.001-05:002016-03-23T21:54:04.763-05:00Who are you? Part 5 - All in the family <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="tr_bq">
Time for another round of "Who are you?" This little segment I started gives other Moho's the chance to share their story, anonymously. No pesky video cameras and sappy music - just written, unedited content. As you've <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/search/label/Who%20Are%20You" target="_blank">read previous stories</a>, you can probably relate to a few details here and there. But the below story has a unique characteristic - the author has two gay brothers. I've heard of a gay twin, or another gay immediate family member, but have never 'met' anyone with two gay brothers. I based my questions off that fact and below are his answers. </div>
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If all this storytelling gets you riled up, I'd love to hear yours. Use the Contact Form on the right <a href="mailto:gaymormonsouthpaw@gmail.com" target="_blank">(or email me)</a> and I'll ask you similar questions. </div>
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Here we go! ----- </div>
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<b>Q. Explain your correlation/involvement to the Moho blogging community.</b></div>
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Until recently I was only semi-aware of Moho blogging. I knew it existed, but I never </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">really had anything prompt me to go investigate it. Within the last year or so I saw a video </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">someone posted on Facebook about Far Between that interested me, so I started watching those </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">interviews. I mainly watched the ones with the young guys that were around my own age </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">because they were cute and I could identify with some of their experiences. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Since interviews on </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">that site don’t get uploaded that often and I still wanted to hear more people’s stories, I started </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Facebook stalking friends of friends who I knew were gay Mormons and discovered the USGA </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Facebook group at BYU. So then I started Facebook stalking all those people. Eventually I </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">found that that really wasn’t satisfying my desire to hear personal experiences where I could </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">identify with other gay Mormons, so that’s when I searched “gay Mormon blog” and found The </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Moho community.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. What's life like being both gay and Mormon? </b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A.</b> As most of your readers probably know, it’s MISERABLE, but I think my experience is kind of unique. From what I have read, a lot of gay Mormons around my age and older didn’t know a lot about being gay when they were young and did not have a lot of exposure to gay people growing up. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
When I was a kid one of my siblings told me that one of my older brothers was gay and explained what that meant and how it was bad. It was about that time that I was starting puberty and I was shown a homoerotic picture by one of my straight brothers who thought it was funny. I still remember it, it was a <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHiXUsZ2aNR0QWJWqv4FWSDTZHaUyiSdG1enJIgKnzB05B0L776X-1Tzp_4xJONfAzBYHqVAb1m3j8ZnNdMtlzNj515fh9wqyl12o2rP_tmOTBM_lROjRRYwQYHeIxJrLnVchMMTqW1Io/s400/harryDraco01.jpg" target="_blank">picture of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy</a> lying in bed together, shirtless and cuddling. It really piqued my curiosity and lead me to down a path to looking at gay porn. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
It is interesting because when I was really young in elementary school I had crushes on girls and none on boys, but when I started puberty I started to have crushes on boys and not on girls. So maybe porn does have some effect on your sexual development, but who knows. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Anyway I don’t know a lot of the details of when my first brother came out and how my parents reacted. I know he was bullied a lot in school and being gay might have been part of it. I later found out when I was older that he attempted suicide and that was pretty shocking to me. He and my parents went to counseling together for a while. I always thought it was to reconcile him being gay and them being against that, but now I think it probably had a lot to do with the suicide attempt. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I never really asked about the details of what happened because I thought it would lead to the suspicion that I was gay. Even now I feel like it is kind of private and not really my business and I don’t really have that great of a relationship with that brother. I don’t remember at what point he became inactive, but he stopped going to church and became an atheist. As a kid I always had the impression that he was sinning and being bad and I did not want to be like him. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
A few years later another one of my brothers came out to my parents and they talked to me and my siblings about both off my gay brothers. We are a little closer in age so I was more aware of what happened to him. He came out around the time he finished high school and also at that time declared that he did not believe in God and was an atheist. My parents were again upset by this and it was difficult for them. When my mom told me about him coming out she was crying and reiterated how bad it was, so that ingrained in me that being gay wasn’t good. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
That brother moved out right after high school to go to college and has lived on his own since. So growing up I knew a lot about being gay through how it affected my brother’s lives and how my parents reacted. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Sometime after my first brother came out I was on a father and son camp out with my dad and he and I went on a little hike together. During that he asked me if I was attracted to boys. That really made me uncomfortable because I was and I saw how my brothers being gay caused so much distress in our family. I did not want to be associated with something bad like that so I lied and said I was not. I was not more than 10 at the time. When I was around 11 my dad caught me looking at gay porn. He sat me down and told me how being gay was not a sin, but acting on it was, as we always hear in the church today. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
He told me I needed to talk to the bishop and repent, so he set up an appointment for me. It was a very stressful situation for my eleven year old self to say the least. I went through the repentance process with the bishop for looking at porn, but did not tell him I was gay. I did not think that needed to be confessed since it is not a sin. I avoided porn for a while, but eventually went back to it. After that my dad didn’t talk to me about being gay for ten years until a specific event triggered me to come out to him, but I will talk about that a little later. I assume he told my mom what happened, but to this day she has never directly talked to me about being gay.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
So all through my teenage years I looked at gay porn. I always felt guilty about it because of what you learn at church. I tried to stop many times on my own, but I never could. I was also kind of in denial about being gay. I just never wanted to accept it. I always had the idea that I would find a woman to marry who I would be attracted to. I was pretty shy so I never felt I needed to date girls to prove I was straight and I never wanted to anyway. I also always tried to distance myself from my gay brothers, because I saw them as not strong enough to stick with church and I did not want to be associated with that. That was one of my biggest fears with coming out. I felt if people knew I was gay, then I would have to stop going to church. And I still feel like if people know I am gay they will think I am stupid for still believing and going to church. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
So pretty much until the time I was almost 21 I was trying to break my porn habit so I could go on a mission, although I was not trying that hard. When I was 20, my desire to have a boyfriend became really strong. I was tired of seeing all the ways straight couples got to be intimate and love each other and I couldn’t because I was gay. I wanted that kind of companionship in my life too so I discovered a way to meet guys online. I ended up having sex with a guy I met. That kind of officially made me decide to not go on a mission, because there was no way I was going to confess to a bishop that I had gay sex. After that experience I tried to actually date guys so I could developed a real relationship because I did not want to just have sex with them.</blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. Are you an active, believer of the church?</b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A. </b>I am still active, but I am not super involved. I do go to church every week, but have not taken the sacrament in quite a while and I refuse to discuss any of this with my bishop. I feel like if I ever were to get serious with someone it is likely I would stop going, but I am not sure. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
There was a time when I was actively dating guys and reading my scriptures daily, but I have not read them in almost a year. I also still do pray every day. I like praying and having a relationship with God. If anything, it’s cathartic and I still for the most part believe he is real. I never got endowed or did any of that temple business so that is not something I worry about. I do wrestle a lot with the idea that homosexuality is immoral because everything I feel about guys is so good and positive and brings me so much joy and peace and it makes absolutely no sense that that can be bad. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Basically I came to the decision that I will search for a male companion and try to be happy in this life and accept the punishment I receive in the next life. I feel like to endure life while restricting yourself from companionship and love is hell and it does not make sense to me that you would have to endure hell to avoid hell.</blockquote>
<br />
Q. <b>Are you out to friends and family? If you're not out, what keeps you in the closet?</b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A.</b> I am partially out to my family kind of. As mentioned before my parents found out I was gay when I was 11, but never talked to me about it again until I was 21. I guess they were in denial about it or were just hoping, it would go away. During my teen years one of my gay brothers caught me looking at porn. I was still uncomfortable with my sexuality so I never talked to him about it and he never brought it up. At that time I still thought about marrying a woman so I did not want to acknowledge it to anyone. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
When I started dating guys I came out to my one of my sisters because she kept pestering me about what I was being so secretive about. I started dating a guy for the first time ever and he was really cute and I was SUPER excited about it and wanted to share it with someone. She is slightly younger than me and fairly understanding so I was not that worried about telling her. Although the experience was still very nerve wracking. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Later on I started talking to a different guy. Through talking on the phone we became really emotionally attached before we even met. When we finally met in person I realized I was not at all attracted to him physically (his pictures were very misleading). I handled this very poorly. We met on a Sunday night. I still lived with my parents so I told them I was going to a fireside, but instead I went on a date with him. I ended up ending the date early by more or less telling him that I was not attracted to him. I pretty much broke his heart and it made me feel like the worst person in the world. He went home crying and I went home crying and the whole thing was horrible. When I got home in the driveway I changed back into my church clothes as if I had just gotten back from the fireside. I went to my bedroom and after a while my dad came in and told me he saw me changing my clothes and ask why I did that. I was still super emotional about what happened and was still crying on and off so I did not have the energy to make up a lie. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I just flat out told him I went on a date. After a little more questioning I revealed it was with another boy. He realized I was upset and just told me he still loved me and would talk to me about it later. About a week later he called me into his bedroom so we could have a talk. He reiterated what he said when I was eleven about being gay is not a sin, but acting on it is. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Then he started to say some really insensitive and hurtful things about what would happen to me if I continued to act on my gay feelings. I couldn’t stand to listen to him anymore so I just went back to my bedroom, locked the door and started crying. I knew he would try to unlock the door and get in, so I put on some shoes and got ready to leave. He unlocked the door and told me he was not done talking to me. I told him I did not want to talk about it and tried to side step him to leave. This made him a little angry so he blocked the doorway and grabbed me to try to prevent me from leavening. We got in to a little tussle and I ended up flinging my window open, ripping out the screen, and jumping out into the pouring rain, all while he tried to constrain me and him yelling, “You cannot live here if you are going to continue to date!” </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I walked around to the front of my house and got a small umbrella, then I just started walking. All I had on was a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a shoe on one foot and just a sock on the other. The other shoe had come off as I was trying to get away. So there I was walking in the rain like that, bawling and wishing I was dead. That was the most suicidal I have ever been. If I would have had an easy way to kill myself at that moment I would have done it, but all I could think of doing was bludgeoning myself with a rock. I decided that would be too difficult. I tried to figure out where I could go to get out of the rain. I didn’t have any friends I could go to and I lived in a kind of rural area so there was nothing around but houses. I lived near a golf course and remembered a semi-secluded bathroom at the end of one the holes so I decided to go there. I finally got their after walking about three miles, ruminating all the way. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
By then I was pretty soaked and my shoeless foot was freezing and hurt from walking on the rough ground. I tried the door, but it was locked. Luckily there was a 3 foot overhang so I had cover from the rain, but there was a huge puddle occupying most of that cover. I collected a pile of pine needles and built up a mound to try to avoid sitting directly in the puddle. It was not very effective. Then I sat there in the cold for the next four hours and cried and ruminated and cried some more. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
While I was there my dad texted me and apologized, but I just ignored him. My sister that I came out to also texted me and said my parents told her I was upset and that I left. She tried to talk to me, but I didn’t really want to talk. After a while I realized I would have to go back at some point so I just tried to wait as long as I could before I went back. By the time I did go back my shoeless foot was totally numb and on my other foot, my shoe had been soaked through and also started numbing. I eventually started walking back and by the time I got to my house I was completely drenched for head to foot and my feet and hands were totally numb from the cold.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
I wanted to sneak back in through my bedroom window, but they had shut it and I could not get it open. It had gotten dark by the time I got back and I stayed outside and watched what was going on inside through the windows. My parents were there and they were sitting down eating dinner. They looked really sad and it kind of made me sad. I waited outside watching them for about a half hour until they got in their car and left, I assume to go look for me. The only other person living there at the time was one of my brothers and I don’t know how much of the confrontation he was aware of. He mostly stayed in his room so I was not too worried about him. I snuck in the side door got some dinner and went straight to my room. I decided to text my dad and tell him I was home. Then I changed out of my wet clothes and ate while I waited there for them to come back.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When they got back my dad came to my door and apologized again and said he would not make me talk to him if I did not want to. He asked me if I could come out so he could give me a hug, but I refused and he left. Then my mom came and asked me to come out so she could hug me and I refused again. I kind of felt guilty about that, but I was still really upset. So they finally left me alone. The whole next day I tried to avoid them and stay in my room. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Each of the following days I started coming out more and talking more to my parents until things got back to normal. I finally did let them hug me and they apologized again, but after that we acted like it never happened and that was fine with me. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
That is the story of coming out to my parents. I did stop dating after that because I felt like I should follow their rules while I lived with them since they were still supporting me a great deal financially. And I knew they would be watching me like a hawk, so I knew it would be twice as hard to sneak around. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
So that whole experience might have sounded like fun, but wait until you hear what happened next. When I came out to my sister I told her explicitly, EX. PLI. CIT. LY. Not to talk to anyone about it and if they asked her anything about it, I told her to lie through her bloody teeth. And do you know what she did? You wanna know? She pretty much told everyone in my family! So I found out later that when I was sitting in that puddle, my mom called one of my other sisters to ask her if she might know where I had gone and she told her I was gay. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I still can’t understand how she thinks she has the right to tell anyone such personal information about me and I’m still upset that she did that. I don’t know if she talked to any of my other siblings, but she did talk to my younger sister about it. So my younger sister ended up thinking all my siblings knew so she sent a text to most of them explaining the situation. I have a large immediate family and the number of children is on the high side as far as Mormon families go. I didn’t find out what my sister did until a year after the incident. So for a whole year I thought nobody in my family knew, while the whole time they all knew.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
To be honest, I understood how that whole situation played out and so I am not that upset that my sister broke my confidence in that way. But, recently I found out more details that made me really mad at her. I went to visit one of my straight brothers, recently and he confronted me about being gay. He told me that when I was young he had caught me looking at gay porn so he had known for a long time. That was kind of awkward and uncomfortable, but it also felt good to talk openly about it with him. Then he made a really snarky comment, mocking me for being afraid to be open with everyone about my feelings and I was like, ok, you’re the dumbest person in the world, don’t ever talk to me again. That’s how I felt but I didn’t really say that, I just brushed it off. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Anyway, later he revealed that about a month after I came out to my sister, she had told him I had a boyfriend. And I was like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! So it turns out she broke my trust from the very beginning. And remember, I told her EXPLICITLY not to tell anyone. It just kills. I don’t understand how she could just do that.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
It all worked out in the end though. I confronted her about it and she was like, uhh… well… I ahh… I’m sorry, I just… ahh. And I’m like, yeah you’re dumb, I know. Later as a peace offering she offered to buy me a new phone and I was like, if you really want to, but I don’t expect you to. I guess she felt really bad, but I’m getting a new phone out of it so I am happy lol. I’m not really that shallow, but maybe a little. ;) Also I am kind of glad that she told all my siblings the way she did because I never really wanted to come out to them and now I don’t have to. And I am sure some of them at least suspected that I was gay anyway. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
This has become a long convoluted story, but the moral is I came out to my parents and a few of my siblings. The rest of them were told, but I have never talked to them about it and they never talked to me about it and right now that’s how I like it. I do have one brother that I still think doesn’t know because he was not around when this whole ordeal happened. I am not out to anyone outside of my immediate family, but who knows who they have told. I don’t really have any friends so telling them is not an issue since they don’t exist. Some people may be wondering if I already have two brothers out, what’s the big deal about me coming out. What’s one more? It is still extremely shameful and I know how disappointing it is to my family. It is just really hard to know that how I am and what I want in life is so disappointing to them.</blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. You mentioned in your first statement that you have gay brothers. What has that been like?</b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A.</b> It has its positive and negative aspects. On the one hand I feel like because they came out before me, it spared me a lot of grief that I would have had to go through if I was the only gay person in my family. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I wasn’t totally oblivious to homosexuality when I was growing up so it made it easier to deal with. My family was also already used to having gay family members so it dispelled a lot of fear I might have had if I did not know how they would react. On the other hand, now I know exactly how they can react negatively to having gay family members. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I also know firsthand what it feels like to find out you have a gay family member and how you are shocked and your opinion of them might change a little bit. I felt the same disappointment my family did when I found out my older brothers were gay because of what I was taught and believed about it. That is something that made me worry about coming out because I’ve experienced that same disappointment. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I have never been particularly close to my gay brothers just because we are gay. In fact I feel like I have more often than not, avoided them as to avoid any suspicion they may cast on me of being gay. </blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. What is your current status? (Single, in a relationship, etc.) Are you happy?</b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A. </b>I am currently single, but have just recently started trying to date again. It is just so hard because people are so scary and dating’s hard and I hate it. But I have definitely become happier at the prospect of finding a companion. I moved away from my parents nearly a year ago so that is no longer an issue.</blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. How do you see yourself in the future? (Staying with the church, leaving it, balance both </b><b>sexuality and church, etc.) </b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A</b>. This is a tough question because I think it is really hard to say. I still believe in the church, but I have accepted my sexuality and the consequences it may bring. At this point I am sure I would be excommunicated, but I would never go through a disciplinary counsel to find out. I just try to do the thing I feel I can and not worry about things that I think are too hard. How long I can live my life with this kind of relationship to the church is unknown.</blockquote>
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<b>Q. Anything else you'd like to add? </b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>A</b>. I would just like to say I am grateful for my loving parents and family and that we can still get along after going through difficult situations like this. This part feels like a testimony lol.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
My family is really important to me and while it may seem like some of the things they do are uncaring, they are in fact very caring and are my favorite people. So that’s that. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Also I would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts and options about my story, so if you took the time to read this please feel free to leave comments.</blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-38098076383308917172016-03-15T18:41:00.000-05:002016-03-15T18:41:02.592-05:00Why you always gotta justify everything? <br />
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Two recent events confirmed to me just how much <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/08/cafeteria-gay-mormons-have-it-hardest.html" target="_blank">TBM's</a> love to justify the church.<br />
<br />
1) <a href="http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/johnwright/32_young_lgbt_mormons_have_committed_suicide_since_early_november_group_says" target="_blank">The 32 LGBT Mormons</a> who committed suicide after <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/page-from-church-handbook-leaked.html" target="_blank">the new policy</a>.<br />
<br />
2) <a href="http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/mormon-leader-we-are-not-bigots-because-there-are-no-homosexual-members-of-the-church/" target="_blank">Elder Bednar's comments</a> that there "are no homosexual members of the church."<br />
<br />
I've witnessed several TBM's try to downplay the number of suicides (As if 5, 10, or 15 suicides are any better.) And others tried to harass and discredit the source. As for Bednar's comments, bloggers chose to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4_wTGv8Ao" target="_blank">dissect those 8 words</a> that he said, and try to justify what he meant, <a href="http://www.flirtingwithcuriosity.org/?p=671" target="_blank">including this 3,200-word post</a> that seems to never end.<br />
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I shouldn't be surprised by all the justifying. There's a <a href="http://www.fairmormon.org/" target="_blank">group of apologetics</a> who justify polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the various First Vision accounts, Joseph Smith marrying a 14-year-old, and yes, they even try to justify <a href="http://en.fairmormon.org/Mormonism_and_gender_issues/Same-sex_attraction" target="_blank">LGBT issues</a>.<br />
<br />
But with each long and tedious justification I read or witness, the more cringed I get. Even the gay TBM's participate in minor justifications that just pile up to a big mess:<br />
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<b>LABELS</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Justification: </b>Don't call me gay, I 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'<br />
<br />
<b>My response:</b> Bednar SHOULD have said "there are no members who 'struggle with same-sex attraction.'" That's the REAL truth! You do not have a disease. You will not 'overcome' same-sex attraction and turn straight. You should not hate yourself. Accept the gay.<br />
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<br />
<b>CLOSET</b><br />
<b><br />
Justification:</b> I'm not going to tell my wife I'm SSA/gay; it's none of her business.<br />
<br />
<b>My response:</b> She will find out. You might as well be truthful and tell her as early as possible.<br />
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<br />
<b>ROOMMATES </b><br />
<b><br />
Justification:</b> My roommate is also gay/SSA, but were both active, temple recommend holders, so it's all good.<br />
<br />
<b>My response:</b> I don't have a problem with this, but the moment you give the stink eye to a guy moving in with his girlfriend or vice versa, I have to pull the hypocrite card. Plus, if you 'really' want to keep those temple covenants, moving in with another gay guy is a pretty dumb idea.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>THE "GAY LIFESTYLE"</b><br />
<b><br />
Justification:</b> My good friend has left the church and has pursued the "gay lifestyle" so we can't be friends anymore.<br />
<br />
<b>My response: </b>Well that's pretty stupid. For belonging to a church that says to "love one another," you're not being a very nice person. Your friendship shouldn't change, and you should congratulate him/her on their newfound happiness.<br />
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<br />
<b>CRUSHES</b><br />
<b><br />
Justification:</b> I'm starting to develop feelings for a guy, but there's nothing gay about it. It's more of a brotherly love situation.<br />
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<b>My response:</b> Wrong. You are homosexually falling for someone. If the feeling is mutual, you should go out on a date!<br />
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<br />
<b>CUDDLING</b><br />
<b><br />Justification:</b> Cuddling is not sexual in any way; it's healthy touch.<br />
<br />
<b>My response:</b> I will never understand the fascination of cuddling among the gay TBMs. They have this idea that attractions will decrease through cuddling. I obviously have a much different viewpoint (and experiences) with cuddling. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>APPS</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Justification: </b>I've signed up for these gay dating apps, just to find some new friends (and nothing more.)<br />
<br />
<b>My response: </b>You know who you are. (I've seen your profile!) Again, don't have a problem with this, but don't be a hypocrite.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why justify?</b> From what I've witnessed, it seems the gay TBMs want to get as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. ("I've been the big spoon for another dude, but we didn't have sex, so I can still hold on to that Sunday School teacher calling"... or.... "We all get naked in front of each other to overcome body image issues.") For some, they really do cross the line (according to church standards) causing them to become depressed, they then confess to their Bishop, get disfellowshipped/excomm'd, get ordinances back, only to do the deed all over again.<br />
<br />
Why am I writing this? I'm frustrated. If my above responses were ingrained in my mind 10 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted the past decade trying to balance church and sexuality. (I use the "wasted the past decade" often in my posts and feel the need to 'justify' it here as well) :-) As I continue my journey of leaving the church, it's dawned on me how much I dislike 1) justifiers and 2) hypocrites. (And double thumbs down if you're a justifier hypocrite.) It's nice as I continue my own life, I'm able to distance myself from these types of people.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-3317728431403807802016-02-21T09:20:00.000-06:002016-02-21T09:20:50.100-06:00Who are you? Part 4 - Losing faith on the mission<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Howdy! How's everybody doing?<br />
<br />
Time for the next installment of your favorite Gay Mormon Southpaw segment: Who Are You? The latest interviewee, Corbin Brodie, followed me on <a href="https://twitter.com/GayLDSsouthpaw" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. We started chatting, and I learned that he recently published <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1523878428" target="_blank">a book on growing up gay and Mormon.</a> I love read other Mohos' stories and was immediately intrigued and wanted to include him in my little franchise. I'm happy to provide his answers to my short interview below. (And of course if you'd like to learn more about Corbin, please check out his <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1523878428" target="_blank">book</a>!) I'm amazed at the beautiful writing talent of <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/search/label/Who%20Are%20You" target="_blank">all who have shared their stories.</a> (And there are more to come!)<br />
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As always, if you're interested in sharing your story, contact me using the form on your right.<br />
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Here we go...<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. Explain your correlation/involvement to the Moho blogging community.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> It’s a new thing for me, as I’ve increasingly seen how much gay related issues have moved to centre ground in Mormon cultural dynamics, public discourse and public relations. This has been fascinating for me to see because when I was younger and still a member it would have been inconceivable that you could openly admit to being gay and Mormon and get any other reaction than horror from members. As someone who has been there, growing up gay and Mormon and struggling through it when it was impossible to even talk about it, I felt I had something to add to the conversation.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. What's life been like both gay and Mormon?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> When I was a teenager it was a nightmare. In high school I’d see that other people could date, have boyfriends/girlfriends, talk about who they liked to parents or friends, experience the romance and magic of dancing together at high school or church dances, have a smooch, and enjoy the whole wonder of it, with all its fun and excitement and clumsiness and awkwardness and heartbreak.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just the fact other kids could openly talk about their romantic feelings and experiences pained me because I couldn’t even do that. On top of it, there was this feeling that I had to be not just a good Mormon but an exemplary Mormon, to make up for how I was inside, and in order for God to “cure” me. It was only while on my mission in Japan that it dawned on me how ridiculous and cruel this all was and I finally accepted who I was. Since returning from my mission I’ve not had to struggle with being gay and Mormon because I stopped being Mormon. Even then I had all that lifetime of internal programming to get out of my system because Mormonism isn’t just a religion, it’s a culture, and that culture always remains a part of you.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. What's your current status with the church?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> My belief in the Church completely collapsed halfway through my mission, although I stayed the whole two years for family and other reasons. When I got home I continued to attend church for a few months, to spare my mother’s feelings for a while, but then I stopped going and have never been back and haven’t missed it at all. It would be hard for me to convey how quietly molten with anger I was by the end of my mission, and how profoundly I resented what I felt I had been robbed of while a teenager and for those two years while trapped on a mission, two years which I felt could and should have been two of the most wonderful years of my life.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have never bothered to officially resign from the Church and formally request my membership be cancelled, as many people have done, because whatever this institution had in its records seemed meaningless to me. I had Mormon friends “alarmed” that I’d left, who tried to “counsel” me and who were horrified that I was happily and actively gay without in any way feeling ashamed of it. I hardly knew how to respond to the condescension, blindness and arrogance in their attitudes and just ignored them completely.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. Are you out to friends and family?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I’m completely out to friends and family. I came out at one point to my brother but with my mother I simply lived openly the way I wanted to, without feeling I had to come out in any formal way. I felt I didn’t have to explain anything. There was a point not long after returning from Japan when I did come out to my straight male non-Mormon friends and although they were stunned to start with I never lost a single friend. They were great about it even though I was the only gay person they knew. If anything, the fact I was no longer hiding anything made our friendships all the more fun, open and interesting.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. What is your current status? (Single, in a relationship, etc.) Are you happy?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Until recently I’d been in a relationship for almost two years, but just before Christmas my boyfriend got offered an amazing job in the United States he couldn’t turn down so we had to call it a day (I live in the UK). So single at the moment but not planning to stay that way. I’ve had several long term boyfriends in my life who have all been some of the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever known. At the moment I’d say yes I’m happy, although I tend to think of happiness as something you experience here and there, not something you obtain and hold on to. I'd call myself very existentially satisfied.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Who is your celebrity crush? </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Ha ha, I find it hard to get truly attracted to someone unless I know them personally and have talked to them. The UK talk show host <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006xnzc" target="_blank">Graham Norton</a> is someone I think is quite cute, funny, smart and charming.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. You mentioned you started losing your faith while serving a mission. What led you to the overall disbelief of the church? </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> It was a slow, gradual process made up of different elements. Being gay was not even the main issue. Unlike many people who leave the Church, I never thought about or wrestled over doctrine, Church history, Joseph Smith issues etc. For me it was simply that the Church utterly failed to give me any spiritual connection with the cosmos. On my mission I saw so much bullying, so much fakeness, so much dishonesty, so much corporate-style salesmanship, so much hypocrisy, so much fanaticism, such clear examples of people pretending they knew things they didn’t know, that the whole miasma of belief I’d been brainwashed with as a child collapsed. Once that happened the penny dropped for me intellectually. I was very interested in history and just immediately saw that it was all man-made, that it was all made up in the 19<sup>th</sup> century. I'm pretty sure I would have left the Church even if I had not been gay.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. What was your immediate reaction to the Handbook policy change on gay couples and kids?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> It didn’t surprise me. Over recent years the Church has softened its rhetoric towards homosexuality but I see that as a pure public relations exercise. Underneath it, the hostility is still there. It’s obviously shocking that even non-gay Mormon children would be made to pay the price for this hostility. What amazes me is how the Church talks about love all the time but has to be taught about love by non-Mormon society. It’s an institution which claims to have privileged access to eternal truth and a higher form of love and knowledge, yet it’s always struggling to keep up with society at large.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was only when non-Mormon society changed its prejudiced attitude towards black people that the Church belatedly abandoned its own bigotry. After years of terrible psychological and emotional abuse of young gay Mormons, it was only in recent decades when society became more accepting of gay people and gay equality that the Church suddenly changed its own tune and tried to – very clumsily – adopt a more “accepting” attitude. But no amount of rhetoric about love and acceptance can really disguise the hostility and callousness.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When Dallin H. Oaks <a href="http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-apostle-speaks-about-church-responsibility-in-mormon-lgbt-suicides-for-first-time" target="_blank">was questioned the other day about the rash of suicides</a> in the wake of the new handbook policy, he actually had the lack of tact to say that “Nobody is sadder about a case like that than I am”. As some people have responded, “really?” He’s sadder about it than the dead young person’s parents and friends and boyfriend or girlfriend? It utterly amazes me that anyone who is gay would remain Mormon, that they would just endure the breathtaking arrogance, that they would lose their own lives because of such condescension, that they would accept such humiliation and attack on their own dignity as full spectrum human beings.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What are your thoughts on Mixed Orientation Marriages? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A. </b>I don’t have a problem with them because, to me, people should be free to live their lives as they want to. If they aren’t hurting anyone, it’s all valid. Mixed orientation marriages, if they are about love and if the two people get a reward and spiritual satisfaction from it, are perfectly valid. I don’t understand it, but I accept it. Perhaps the only thing I’d have reservations about is if a gay person is in one for purely religious reasons, and wouldn’t be otherwise. But I still just think of it as none of my business.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. You've recently published your journal entries from the mission. Give a brief summary of what we'd find in your book. </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A. </b>My book is called <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1523878428" target="_blank">The Gate and The Garden: The Apostate Journals of a Gay Mormon Missionary in Japan</a></i>. It is literally the actual journals I kept on my mission, along with the short stories and poems I wrote at the same time, on that journey. I’ve changed names and where people are from and some incidental things to protect people’s privacy, and tidied up punctuation and some things like that, but otherwise it’s exactly what I wrote back then. </span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What the reader will find is a very detailed documentation of how a believing 19 year old Mormon boy went on his mission, secretly believing and hoping that God would cure him of his private homosexual feelings if only he did his best and trusted in faith. It documents how bit by bit, step by step, he lost his faith in Mormonism and accepted himself as gay wholeheartedly. The second half is all about how he struggled to keep these two things concealed while surviving the whole two years for family reasons.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s kind of strange that I’d been so affected by anti-gay hostility in the Church that even after I realized I didn’t believe a word of Mormonism any more, it took a while longer to be able to write about being a gay Mormon. I guess that says something right there. When I did it all came tumbling out in my journals, the whole experience of growing up gay in the Church, my feelings, my experiences. There must be so many young gay Mormons who have gone on missions and only in that crucible learned to be who they are that it surprises me I’m the first person – as far as I can tell – to actually publish journals describing that experience.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The book is about more than this though. It gives a real feel for what a two year mission can be like on the ground. It certainly gives a lot of information about being a missionary in Japan a few decades ago. It’s also about larger issues. It’s about crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood. It’s about discovering the joy of being who you are, not who you are told you should be. It’s about being intellectually independent. It’s also about a kind of creative awakening, with the poems and short stories I wrote as a means of self-expression while on this whole journey. I certainly feel that gay Mormons or gay ex-Mormons or gay missionaries or gay Mormons thinking of going on missions will find a lot they can relate to and if the book helps anyone struggling with these issues I would feel so happy.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Any advice you'd give to the younger Moho's still in the closet? </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I suspect a lot of young gay Mormons who are keeping this secret about themselves are allowing other people to set the terms of how they think, how they live, how they exist as a human being. I’d suggest they start setting their own terms and flipping things the other way round. Instead of worrying that they will disappoint their family or Church members, they should allow themselves to feel disappointed that family and Church members have put them in such a position.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Instead of feeling that their gay feelings are some kind of selfishness, they should pause to consider the selfishness of people who tell them they can’t enjoy love and intimacy while themselves enjoying it. Instead of allowing other people to tell them what “spirituality” is, they should reach deep inside themselves and feel how much genuine spirit is there, and how it ties them to the universe, and experience that awareness honestly.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When you’re young you sometimes forget that one day you will be old. Young gay Mormons should ponder how they will feel at the end of their lives, if they’ve lived that life for other people and only too late realized they allowed those other people - just people, with their own blindness and selfishness – to take their life from them.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">More than anything, young gay Mormons have every right to feel angry. Getting in touch with that anger - which is the voice of their own dignity - is, I think, the healthiest thing they can do, instead of letting that anger turn against them and destroy them.</span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Q. Anything else you'd like to add?</span></b></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I just want to say I have never regretted leaving the Church and living my life fully as a gay person. Gay life isn’t all fun and roses; there’s as much pain and messed-up-ness there as elsewhere. Yet I’ve met some of the most amazing beautiful people and had some of the most fulfilling relationships.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And just living honestly and on my own terms has released so much energy for me to live richly and wholeheartedly. The value of living an authentic life and living it fully has been <i>my</i> pearl of great price. The older I’ve become and more experience I’ve had, the more it astonishes me I could ever have considered surrendering my life because other people told me to.</span></blockquote>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-58975127981849378652016-02-09T21:54:00.000-06:002016-02-09T21:56:06.591-06:00You're taking a break from the church. Now what?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD11zZLpatQ2ywUCLu4ix6ijQzHqYPzddSIFqWoEsxrgcINqdue_Oht2A_fS6gu-UuG5W13NTRGdhCw1ofksoNZgX0j8DtJTcvB9Jmd2BhDL1xSIttZR1I842aJyy0MDKA-duINpMW0xbE/s1600/d6f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD11zZLpatQ2ywUCLu4ix6ijQzHqYPzddSIFqWoEsxrgcINqdue_Oht2A_fS6gu-UuG5W13NTRGdhCw1ofksoNZgX0j8DtJTcvB9Jmd2BhDL1xSIttZR1I842aJyy0MDKA-duINpMW0xbE/s320/d6f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Many of the Moho's I chat with privately have either left the church all together or slowly distancing themselves.<br />
<br />
I really <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/10/sometimes-i-just-wanna-eat-dinner-on.html" target="_blank">struggled on the social aspect</a> since I stopped attending church. When it was time to branch out and meet new people, I was set on meeting other gay Mormons or gay ex-Mormons in person. They were in my comfort zone. But with the millions of people in a 50-mile radius of me, I can count on both hands the number of gay Mormons I know personally. I needed to branch out even more. But how?! For all my life, my main circle of friends have been LDS. Where do I go from here?<br />
<br />
Fortunately, there ARE other ways to find friends/dates with similar interests. Below are some ways you can branch out if you've decided to suspend those weekly visits to the LDS Church.<br />
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*<a href="https://www.reddit.com/" target="_blank">Reddit</a> - If you'd like to have intelligent conversations with like-minded ex-Mormons or unconventional Mormons, Reddit is a great place to start. The <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/" target="_blank">ex-Mormon</a> and <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/mormon/" target="_blank">Mormon</a> forums are filled with thoughtful information; and a good amount of folks found here are gay. (Some will put a rainbow flag next to their username.) The problem with Reddit is that most people stay anonymous. The nice thing about Reddit is there is a Private Message function to contact potential new friends. If you choose to converse with ExMo's, no matter where you live, <a href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1zEJSgS0R9M5KcX1QsNYVcyu8r50sqStnl9FcdJr0lg0/edit?usp=sharing" target="_blank">you're not alone!</a><br />
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*<a href="https://www.gotinder.com/" target="_blank">Tinder</a> - The app helped me come out of the closet. <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-gay-mormons-adventures-on-tinder-part.html" target="_blank">It was the first time I've attached my face</a> publically to a profile. Yes, you gotta weed out those just looking for hook-ups, but I still found great conversation with other gay dudes who live near me. (I have not used <a href="http://www.grindr.com/" target="_blank">Grindr</a>, <a href="http://www.jackdapp.com/" target="_blank">Jack'd</a> or <a href="http://www.scruff.com/" target="_blank">Scruff</a>, but I'd love to hear experiences/success stories from those who have.)<br />
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*<a href="https://www.okcupid.com/home" target="_blank">OKCupid</a>/<a href="http://www.match.com/" target="_blank">Match</a> - I signed up for OKCupid about a month ago, and have had success. I've gone on a few dates with some awesome guys. Match lets you label yourself as "LDS/Mormon" while OKCupid lets you label yourself as Christian. Many people will include the importance of church/religion/spirituality in their profile, which may help you on your search. However, there are some crazies on these sites. Be careful who you give your phone number to. (I learned this the hard way and now have to deal with a gazillion texts from a couple weirdos.) <br />
<br />
*<a href="http://www.meetup.com/" target="_blank">MeetUp</a> - If you're not ready to date, it's nice to find people with similar interests near you. Take note that there is an LGBT category. <br />
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*<a href="https://www.gaychristian.net/" target="_blank">Gay Christian Network</a> - I don't know much about the group, and the forums are kinda slow, but if you're set on finding gay people with a similar upbringing, you may peruse a bit here. After a search of the forums, you may find a local Facebook group that's likely a little more active.<br />
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*Gay sports - My buddy Evan left this comment on a <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/10/sometimes-i-just-wanna-eat-dinner-on.html" target="_blank">blog post</a>: "<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Can I recommend gay sports? I joined a rock climbing group last year and it completely changed my social life. Everyone was so friendly, welcome, and genuine and we get to do just casual hang out stuff (this Friday some guys are going to do karaoke). I know they are particularly common in my area, but there are often a range of LGBT sports and arts groups in each city."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My point is that your social life doesn't have to evolve around Mormonism. It took me awhile to figure that out, but now I've spread my wings a bit and am in a much better place. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What outlets have you used to find new friends/relationships/dates? Leave your thoughts in the comments! </span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-32703893906400938892016-01-17T17:35:00.000-06:002016-01-24T20:54:25.344-06:00Who are you? Part 3 - Coming out of the closet twice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi97qtKkxXnSS2I51hsyhFh0G2_B1bNO8DiMHIg0nr3VQXTAb0GZhEjHW3ifR4E8IXK6Pe6_eJ-jbnhEhFHWRD2-LA1Z_vJ0q7ltRAfhsdmrsNTEe0O0kesRUYtTi4o06_VHg8gm5-9f4ds/s1600/bed1a30e-fdf1-4b3d-9a09-cbcf4cdc82e1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi97qtKkxXnSS2I51hsyhFh0G2_B1bNO8DiMHIg0nr3VQXTAb0GZhEjHW3ifR4E8IXK6Pe6_eJ-jbnhEhFHWRD2-LA1Z_vJ0q7ltRAfhsdmrsNTEe0O0kesRUYtTi4o06_VHg8gm5-9f4ds/s320/bed1a30e-fdf1-4b3d-9a09-cbcf4cdc82e1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I had planned on rolling out a bunch of these "Who are you?" segments, but then the whole <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/page-from-church-handbook-leaked.html" target="_blank">Handbook policy leak happened</a> and that shifted the focus in my writing and thoughts (along with many other Moho bloggers.)<br />
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I feel this is an appropriate time to bring you another one! I've had several private conversations with this interviewee, and he's just awesome. This past year, he's dealt with coming out of the closet twice 1) as gay and 2) as ex-Mormon. I told him several times that his story will help others gay Mormons trying to figure out what to do with their future. And he writes so well bringing it all together - plus he has great analogies. You'll find our "interview" below.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For the past couple "Who are you?" segments, click <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/search/label/Who%20Are%20You" target="_blank">here.</a> And </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If YOU want to share your story - let me know. Contact me using the form on the right or drop me a line - gaymormonsouthpaw (at) gmail (dot) com. I promise full anonymity. You give me your one single fact - and I'll ask my questions based on that.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Enjoy. </span></span><br />
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;"><b>Q. Describe your correlation/involvement to the Moho blogging community.</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;"><b>A.</b> My involvement is actually in infancy. I've read Moho blog posts occasionally but never been a regular patron. Recently I've been thinking about starting a blog or finding somewhere to share my thoughts and stories but I'm still on the fence. I've been sharing some of my experiences on Reddit and it has been helpful for me as I deconstruct myself and try to figure out who I really am at my core.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What's life been like both gay and Mormon?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Being gay and Mormon is like being the Incredible Hulk. Most of the time things are alright, and you live a normal life, because you have compartmentalized so thoroughly that an entire side of who you are is locked away tight. However, often things happen that will set you off. Maybe you see your nieces and nephews playing and realize that you'll never experience having a family of your own. Or it could be a remark in church about eternal families and the necessity of marriage. It could just be nothing--you're sitting on a bus and you forget to forget.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Suddenly the walls you've built in your mind crumble and it hits you and you're reminded: I'm gay. Except you don't turn into a giant green monster of epic strength; you turn into a puddle of agonizing emotions. You know what you are. You've heard your church leaders talk about it: you're a pervert, an abomination, abhorrent.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">All of the words said about it run through your mind. Your mind replays in exquisite detail the look of disgust that played across your mother's face when she saw a gay kiss on television. Each joke, each grimace, each condemnation. You know that all of that is unknowingly directed at you. You're an abomination that is hiding in plain sight. If they knew the real you..</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But there's no reason for them to ever know because you don't want to spend an eternity in torment cut off from your family. Because you really believe it. You believe the things that have been taught by the people you've trusted your whole life. So nobody, not even your most homophobic family member, could possibly hate you as much as you hate yourself. Your mind plays over the options endlessly:</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;">embrace my disgusting self, and be cut off from my family in the next life, condemned to endless torture;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;">live a life of celibacy, with no companionship. An entire life alone, with pity and mild disgust from those around you being your only company;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;">suicide--cleansing the filth of your existence from the world, but guaranteeing your place in a hell and breaking your families heart</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Sometimes pushing the Incredible Hulk back into his box, rebuilding the walls of denial, and forgetting about The Secret took only minutes or seconds. Sometimes it would take months.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Life as a gay Mormon is feigned normalcy when you can manage the repression and sheer agony when you can't.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Note: I write those options out in the way I thought of things growing up in the church. I know now that being gay is not filthy and that I'm a good person who deserves a happy, normal life.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What's your current status with the church?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I've always been very invested in the church. It wasn't enough to just go to church, I felt like I really needed to live it in every aspect of my life. I'd planned to live a life of celibacy and I did...for twenty eight years.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At one point however, I took a break from going to church for a couple weeks. After several years of going to a young single adult each week and listening to the constant reminders of a marriage I'd never have, I decided I needed a break from the torturous banality of it all. I stopped attending for a short while and when I did I was hit with a shocking realization: I was happy without church attendance in my life. In some ways I think I'd expected my life to fall apart and feel terrible on the weeks I skipped church. The reality was that nothing changed; if anything I found myself feeling more fulfilled and less focused on my own problems.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">This was opposite from what I expected would happen and it threw me for a loop. I decided I'd better get things figured out so I set to reading church materials to try to reconfirm my testimony. Unfortunately for the church, I'd learned a lot about critical thinking since the last time I'd really given the church an honest look. This time around I studied both sides of the issues, chased sources, and didn't accept platitudes and non-answers. After a lot of study and soul searching, I came to the conclusion that the church is not what it claims it is. I left the church almost a year ago and will at some point have my records removed if I'm not excommunicated first.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Are you out to friends and family? If you're not out, what keeps you in the closet?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I'm out to my immediate family only, as well as a couple of friends that I knew would be supportive due to their being in similar situations, or no longer Mormon.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Growing up, I was as closeted as you could get. The thought of admitting I was gay to anyone was enough to conjure detailed suicide plans. If I had been outed as a youth, there is no question in my mind: I would not have survived that day. For lots of years I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things. The thought that I could be gay was too awful to contemplate.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">After leaving the church, things quickly turned on their head and I became much less ashamed of my sexuality. However, I didn't think it was fair to drop two bombs on my family at the same time so I waited for a while before telling my parents. My siblings found out shortly after, and I plan to tell close friends soon, and then make a general social media announcement. I'm impatient to be out of the shadows that I've hidden in for so many years.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What is your current status? (Single, in a relationship, etc.) Are you happy?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A. </b>Right now I'm single. I'm temporarily living in a rural town, so my opportunities to meet people are beyond limited. My whole life I've craved companionship, but it was never a possibility. I'm like an audiophile who was born deaf--my one desire was an impossibility.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yet now, here I am. I'm impatient to begin. Hopefully soon I will find a job in another state, move, and be able to find mutual affection for the first time in my life. It's incredible for me to think about. So am I happy? Right now I'm in agony waiting, worrying about the unknowns, and terrified that I won't be able to find the right person. However, I have hope and that's more than I have ever had in my life, so yes; I'm ecstatic.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Who is your celebrity crush?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Celebrity crush? Why isn't that plural? How can I possibly pick just one celebrity crush? The best I can do is three: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0695435/" target="_blank">Chris Pratt</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1475594/" target="_blank">Channing Tatum</a>, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brendon_Urie" target="_blank">Brendon Urie</a>. I've got a thing for people who are comfortable laughing at themselves.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. How do you see yourself in the future? (Staying with the church, leaving it, balance both sexuality and church, etc.)</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A. </b>Once my family and friends have had a little time for my being gay to sink in I'd like to leave the church on paper. I think severing that technicality would give things a note of finality that would help my subconscious as well as my parents. My parents go through constant torture; hoping that I'll change my mind and somehow the glass will be unbroken. Having my name removed would help I think.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">In my wildest of dreams this is where I see myself: in love with a man who feels the same way about me. Some days I'll wake up before he does, and I'll just watch him while he peacefully sleeps and wonder how I ever thought that self-hate and a lifetime of denial was an option. We'll explore, grow, and learn together. Some nights we'll just curl up on the couch and read. On the weekend we go camping--and as we cuddle together for warmth we stare up at the stars and we talk about life. When the time is right we adopt children and spend our lives loving them. That's my dream, and I hope that someday that will be my future.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What was your immediate reaction to the Handbook policy change on gay couples and kids?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut with a boot made of knives. Even though I had left the church, this was a clear message of intolerance. All of my family, immediate and extended, on both sides...everyone is Mormon. How would this affect their treatment of me? And what about the people that are still trying to make things work with the church? </span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I may not want my children near the church, but that doesn't make me feel any less hurt for those that do. There is no defending it; the policy change is despicable. If those words are from God, then I have no desire to spend eternity with that God. The silver lining was that the policy change set things in motion and a couple days after it was leaked I came out to my parents.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Anything else you'd like to add?</b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Whether you're still an active believer in the church or not; don't ever hate yourself or be ashamed of who you are. You've probably gone through most of your life hearing disparaging remarks, directly or indirectly. This isn't something you chose. It isn't a weakness, temptation, or character flaw.</span><span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hating yourself because you are gay is like hating yourself because you were born with blue eyes. If you can't accept yourself now, cut out those who pull you down and find those that lift you up. Because afterlife or not, this life is way too short to be spent in misery and self-loathing. If you need someone to talk to get in touch with me. (GMS Note: contact me, and I'll put you in touch with him) </span></blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-5409765600867819882016-01-02T14:36:00.000-06:002016-01-02T14:36:00.416-06:002016: The year of being adventurous and trying new things <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3ncYd6mPM8QaK4SVDDaBqURxgoi1kbz7xJiLdOrTbNGVsagxwVS1dpMZkkFjT37GAayKuTTPXTDwheAewJ45g4LIbFtut7GuefvHl_Si3-cLfhm01NSBXFIfDf0FtTzoslb0iiATpx96/s1600/latest-happy-new-year-2016-photos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3ncYd6mPM8QaK4SVDDaBqURxgoi1kbz7xJiLdOrTbNGVsagxwVS1dpMZkkFjT37GAayKuTTPXTDwheAewJ45g4LIbFtut7GuefvHl_Si3-cLfhm01NSBXFIfDf0FtTzoslb0iiATpx96/s320/latest-happy-new-year-2016-photos.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Happy New Year! (Sometimes I feel silly dating these posts as I know someone will read this 6-8 months from now when it definitely wouldn't be appropriate to say 'Happy New Year.')<br />
<br />
I've decided to be more adventurous and try new things in 2016. So on January 1, 2016, I got a massage. I know what you're thinking. A massage?! How is that new and/or adventurous?! Well here's the thing: I've never gotten a massage before. (and random shoulder rubs from friends and mission companions don't count.)<br />
<br />
Here's why I've never taken the plunge: <br /><br />1) I've never understood the appeal. Friends have talked about it, but I've never had the urge to rush out and get a massage myself.<br />
<br />
2) I've always been kind of modest. I don't like taking off my shirt in public.<br />
<br />
3) I have a hard time relaxing. <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/06/that-moment-when-you-cant-stop-thinking.html" target="_blank">I'm a multitasker</a> and the thought of sitting and doing nothing (or having something done to you) makes me feel a little uneasy.<br />
<br />
But screw the above three points. I'm gonna do it!<br />
<br />
I did one of those Korean foot reflexology places. Where you get a foot massage, then a full body massage for cheap. I spent $30 + tip for an hour of pampering. (I use the term 'pampering' lightly.) And if I didn't like it, I wouldn't be out tons of money.<br />
<br />
I picked a place close and read all the reviews and tips on Yelp, so I knew what to expect. I wasn't really in the mood to proclaim that "This is my first time" to the receptionist and therapist.<br />
<br />
While waiting, I was wondering if I'd get a guy or girl. I would be content with either, but knew if it were a girl, there'd be no awkward boners. :)<br />
<br />
A lady motioned me to a chair and was told "She will be with you shortly." Ok, a woman. I can deal with that.<br />
<br />
So, I was surprised when a nice looking man walked out and pointed to remove my shoes and socks. Oh boy. This could get interesting.<br />
<br />
It was then I realized this guy spoke no English, which made it even more interesting!<br />
<br />
While my feet were soaking in hot water, he did various things to my neck, arms, legs, hands, etc. At one point, our fingers interlocked. It felt nice holding hands. I wanted to say, "Can you hold on just a little longer." But due to the language barrier and potential awkwardness, I refrained.<br />
<br />
As for the foot massage. It too was nice. That was until he started doing something funky to each individual toe. It was a mixture of torture and pain while kinda feeling good at the same time. My eyes were covered with a cloth and I was too afraid to peek and see what crazy procedure he was doing.<br />
<br />
Relax. I had to keep telling myself this. Point #3 from above was really hitting me and I just needed to calm down.<br />
<br />
It was then he pointed to my shoes (for me to grab them) and maneuvered me to a private room. Oh boy. Here goes nothing. He did the 'unbutton your shirt' motion with his hands, and left the room. Shirt goes off. Wait. Do I take off my pants too?! (I took off my pants since that's how it's done in the movies.) Wait. What do I do with this cloth on the massage chair?! I quickly threw it on top of me as I heard a knock and no-English-guy returned.<br />
<br />
He gently grabbed my underwear and lowered it slightly. Oh great. It's one of THOSE massage places! :) (It's not, his range of motion was just below my underwear line.)<br />
<br />
Then came the massage. Oh boy. It felt good, but I knew I had all sorts of knots (again, first timer!) so parts were a little tender. The massage dude was sensing my discomfort thanks to my stiff arms and clenched fists. He asked "OK?" a few times, to which I always replied with "Mm-hhm."<br />
<br />
Relax.<br />
<br />
The hour was up (it went by fast!) and it was time to put my clothes back on. In a heavy accent, he said "thank you" and "goodbye" and I was on my way. I felt a little lightheaded as I walked to my car, but overall, it was an enjoyable experience. I'd say I was comfortable 85% of the time. Next time, I'll try to relax more.<br />
<br />
A day later, my back is a little sore, but I'm already thinking about going back in a couple weeks.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry if you get massages all the time, and you found this post extremely boring!!! :) But getting a massage was definitely something new and adventurous and I'm glad I did it.<br />
<br />
(And if you have any tips/recommendations for other types of massages, please let me know in the comments!)<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-1968882372411823242015-12-14T21:08:00.000-06:002015-12-14T21:08:37.893-06:00A gay Mormon's adventures on Tinder (part 2) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA2LUOLjiOKRrPIj5_LameaBb_w9VHlv3hzXphwZqvkoPnDI6aznXucPXlI9p-Y_k5jnfVkPRkwFPC2P8yX6smnC_ElmB8s21t5yA93NBfgOK5iBmm2tdMu6b9ZSST0IS6g5HO7QEKUrUp/s1600/Tinder_logo_070214.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA2LUOLjiOKRrPIj5_LameaBb_w9VHlv3hzXphwZqvkoPnDI6aznXucPXlI9p-Y_k5jnfVkPRkwFPC2P8yX6smnC_ElmB8s21t5yA93NBfgOK5iBmm2tdMu6b9ZSST0IS6g5HO7QEKUrUp/s320/Tinder_logo_070214.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Hello and Merry Christmas! The Moho blogosphere has died down a bit <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/you-are-not-alone-you-are-loved.html" target="_blank">since the unexpected announcement on the Handbook revision.</a> I'm still pissed about it, but feel it's the right time to return to my random, light-hearted ramblings. So...let's talk about Tinder, again.<br />
<br />
Earlier this year, I decided to <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/05/as-true-southpaw-swiping-left-on.html" target="_blank">join the Tinder game.</a> The app uses your location to find potential matches/dates. You get a stack of profiles with pictures and a short paragraph, and you swipe left if the person is a "NO." Swipe right if you're interested. If you both swipe right, then it's a match, and you can chat.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/05/as-true-southpaw-swiping-left-on.html" target="_blank">I made a post right after I</a> downloaded the app, so I was an extreme novice. My buddy over at <a href="http://themostlyunfabulouslifeofamormonboy.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Mostly Unfabulous Life of a Mormon Boy</a> requested an update (6 months ago.) So here it is!<br />
<br />
I have a typical introductory paragraph on Tinder. Simple but nothing too "out there." But if I deleted my description and wrote about my ACTUAL life, it would be:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>30-something disaffected gay Mormon who is still kind of in the closet. I've never had a serious relationship with a guy. I like cuddling. </b></blockquote>
Fortunately, my description is nothing like the above, and I've matched with a handful of guys.<br />
<br />
I still use the app and below you'll find a list of my experiences/thoughts on Tinder. Now, I've had some great things happen with the app and met some awesome people, but this will focus on the weirder/unique side. (because that's more fun to blog about!)<br />
<br />
Here we go....<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I matched with a guy about 7 years younger than me who keeps calling me "Daddy."</li>
<li>I did a quick Google search on a match, and found his mugshot. </li>
<li>Another Google search on a different guy led me to a match's naked pictures and videos. </li>
<li>I matched with a great guy, then found out he was married (to a woman.) Very unfortunate as the dude is hot. </li>
<li>I've learned that any guy "22 miles away" from me is most likely someone who has a long layover at the airport in my city. (Meaning it's highly unlikely I'll ever meet this person.)</li>
<li>Correct grammar is such a turn-on. </li>
<li>Height is such a big deal on Tinder, (or at least gay Tinder!) it's fascinating to me. (If anyone cares, I'm 6'1"!)</li>
<li>While swiping through profiles, I found a guy who was obviously in an LDS Chapel. (carpeted walls, <a href="http://www.ldswallpaper.com/wp-content/gallery/jesus1024x768/thesecondcoming_1024x768.jpg" target="_blank">Jesus pic</a>, etc.) Sadly, we didn't match. Where art thou mystery Moho?! </li>
<li>Having a co-worker pop up is quite awkward. </li>
<li>Getting compliments still makes me feel all tingly inside. </li>
</ul>
<br />
Ok, that last one wasn't awkward. Basically I think Tinder is a nice stepping stone in this whole coming-out journey and accepting myself. I'm not hiding behind an alias. It's almost liberating that I just get to be myself.<br />
<br />
Maybe Part 3 will be some kind of <a href="http://rightswiped.com/our-tinder-story/" target="_blank">success story</a>! :-)<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-20070021379229887272015-11-08T12:42:00.000-06:002015-11-08T12:49:55.365-06:00You are not alone. You are loved.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRFu_j6WgXQ8Myr_C2WLefzvMA-_KvqRUNBUj-MtCjPCixi15QSGyBSX29Lns07HUZ3NZ6GmOA8kKcVz1W8CCKpFpnYIMmdn5Z6lytuT10VaM1FRV87AC3WOFMT3N0rmkDAGkmsRx37eJl/s1600/12227701_10153684958898180_3266275402852044676_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRFu_j6WgXQ8Myr_C2WLefzvMA-_KvqRUNBUj-MtCjPCixi15QSGyBSX29Lns07HUZ3NZ6GmOA8kKcVz1W8CCKpFpnYIMmdn5Z6lytuT10VaM1FRV87AC3WOFMT3N0rmkDAGkmsRx37eJl/s320/12227701_10153684958898180_3266275402852044676_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Normally, when one gets some upsetting news, you need some time. A few hours to calm down, a good night's rest, some contemplation, some discussion with others. Then you move on.<br />
<br />
I thought this would be the case after I <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/11/page-from-church-handbook-leaked.html" target="_blank">heard the news Thursday</a> regarding the leaked revised Handbook policy about the church <a href="http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-membership" target="_blank">excluding kids of same-sex couples from membership</a>. I hoped to 'make sense of it all' after a couple days of cooling off.<br />
<br />
I haven't. It still bothers me. I'm still upset (if not more upset than I was on Thursday.)<br />
<br />
The thing is, I had a hard time pinpointing WHY I was so upset. I've distanced myself from the church over the past couple years, so in reality, this shouldn't bother me.<br />
<br />
But it does.<br />
<br />
During my weekend of thinking and pondering, this thought came to my mind several times: Why on earth would a gay couple want to raise their kids in the church?! In a way, I was trying to play devil's advocate so I could achieve that "moving on" process I just mentioned.<br />
<br />
Then I came across <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10207976114665595&set=a.2660328192328.2149391.1379615591&type=3&theater" target="_blank">this heartbreaking post</a> on Facebook from Devon Gibby, the author of <a href="http://shoutfromthehousetops.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">A Shout From the Housetops</a>. (please read the FB post.) Ouch. Right in the feels.<br />
<br />
Devon is gay, married a woman, had two kids. They divorced, and he now lives with his partner. Devon and his ex-wife have decided to raise their kids in the church. But because Devon now lives with his partner, the kids' membership and baptism are now in jeopardy.<br />
<br />
He says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Children of felons and rapists don't even have such a harsh punishment. I'm really hurting. Just when I thought that I had found a way to live with tolerance toward the church they've come out and attacked my family in a very personal way."</span></span></blockquote>
I then thought of other folks who used to be in mixed-orientation marriages who have since divorced. Now their kids' membership and baptism are in jeopardy.<br />
<br />
This is why I'm upset. As Devon said, it's an attack on the family. I'm angry because this policy affects a lot of families, families that are just trying their best to do what is right.<br />
<br />
We are hurting. We are confused. Even a handful of <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/08/cafeteria-gay-mormons-have-it-hardest.html" target="_blank">TBM's</a> are hurting. <br />
<br />
Some other random observations from the last couple days: (because you know, <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2013/11/too-long-to-tweet-too-short-for.html" target="_blank">I like short, random stuff</a>)<br />
<br />
<b>*</b>Of course, they got the <a href="http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson" target="_blank">apostle</a> with the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/06/is-tom-christofferson-game-changer.html" target="_blank">gay brother</a> to make the clarification. It bothers me the church uses D. Todd everytime they need to discuss LGBT issues. "Look, even an apostle has a gay family member! We love all the gays!" (sarcasm)<br />
<br />
<b>*</b>The Ex-Mormon forum on Reddit <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/3ry3d0/rexmormon_gained_131_subscribers_yesterday_the/" target="_blank">gained 130 subscribers</a> in just one day. The average is 20. Many people are threatening to leave the church because of the new policy. <br />
<br />
<b>*</b>Can't confirm - but I've seen several statements that calls to suicide hotlines have greatly increased this weekend.<br />
<br />
<b>*</b><a href="http://imgur.com/a/Obr1F" target="_blank">Zing.</a> (read the whole thing)<br />
<br />
<b>*</b>An astonishing 18 blog posts were made to the <a href="http://www.mohodirectory.com/" target="_blank">Moho Directory</a> just this weekend, the majority venting about the policy changes. I've never seen so many posts in a short amount of time.<br />
<br />
<b>*</b>Most of my straight, <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=TBM&defid=6105013" target="_blank">TBM</a> Facebook friends either shared the Well Behaved Mormon Woman blog post or the one about the woman raised by two lesbians (sorry, not linking here) with the line "This is a great perspective." It's like they're doing their duty by sharing the link, then moving on. They don't get it.<br />
<br />
We are hurting.<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
it's a tough weekend to be a gay mormon.</div>
— Tyler Glenn (@tylerinacoma) <a href="https://twitter.com/tylerinacoma/status/662855524442968064">November 7, 2015</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
While many of us can vent via a blog post or Facebook status, I'm extremely worried about those who have remained quiet. Those who are deeply closeted and are confused by all the news. Those in MOM's who have kids and thinking about their future. Those preparing to go on a mission, but now not so sure. Those who are scared to talk about this for fear of rejection.<br />
<br />
To these people - please know that you are loved.<br />
<br />
I love you.<br />
<br />
You are not alone.<br />
<br />
I've seen the above graphic many times on FB and Twitter. These resources are there for you. And I'm here too. If you need to vent, chat, etc., use the Contact Form or <a href="mailto:gaymormonsouthpaw@gmail.com" target="_blank">email me</a>, and I'll listen (er, uh, read.)<br />
<br />
To the leaders of <a href="http://northstarlds.org/" target="_blank">North Star</a>. I've made it <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">very clear I don't agree</a> with your organization. But your believing members are hurting. They are confused. They need help. Please develop a buddy system and have members check up on each other - and if possible - in person. North Star folks are extremely delicate. They need a listening ear. They need a hug. And I'm sorry, but a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/447417118800659/" target="_blank">temple trip and fast</a> two weeks from now ain't gonna cut it.<br />
<br />
It's going to take some time for me to cool down. At the same time, we all need to reach out to those directly affected by these changes and show them our gratitude.<br />
<br />
You are loved.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-52536917810982835032015-11-05T22:58:00.000-06:002015-11-05T23:05:40.066-06:00Page from church handbook leaked, Internet blows up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFHJb9oEZ8kklDKe5_Vn4E0C3hTenuQR3HIwi85QSWoDX-ml8HI-1GAvJtrUifbXnjKfRTZd4L7yj0OjASXvFKsd-TKtmSuMCtKzK3R6_dnKknzjLDFj_G7WkMKiHcEPKBrYKrfuUoZh-r/s1600/1105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFHJb9oEZ8kklDKe5_Vn4E0C3hTenuQR3HIwi85QSWoDX-ml8HI-1GAvJtrUifbXnjKfRTZd4L7yj0OjASXvFKsd-TKtmSuMCtKzK3R6_dnKknzjLDFj_G7WkMKiHcEPKBrYKrfuUoZh-r/s320/1105.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
It started flowing around the 'net today as a <a href="http://imgur.com/gallery/l2QQz1P/new" target="_blank">rumor</a>, but by the end of the day, it was <a href="http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-membership" target="_blank">all confirmed</a>.<br />
<br />
It leaves a sick feeling in my stomach, but at the same time, I'm really not surprised by the announcements.<br />
<br />
Today we've learned that:<br />
<br />
1) Children living in a same-sex household may not be blessed as babies or baptized.<br />
<br />
2) Those in a same-sex marriage fall under the definition of apostasy.<br />
<br />
I swear, every chance the church takes a step forward when it comes to accepting homosexuals, it takes 472 steps back.<br />
<br />
There are a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now - mainly anger. So this post will be quite scattered.<br />
<br />
===<br />
<br />
Most people know that I'm LDS, but a much smaller percentage know I'm gay. As news of this announcement spreads over the coming days and weeks, am I going to be seen as a homophobic jerk due to my association with the church?! At the time of this writing, 3 of the 4 broadcast TV channels in Salt Lake City are reporting the news on their homepages. (C'mon <a href="http://www.good4utah.com/" target="_blank">ABC 4</a>, you're a little behind! <b>EDIT: It's there now!</b>) With this kind of coverage, it won't take long for this news to go national and international and I'll just want to hide and hope friends and acquaintances forget that I'm LDS.<br />
<br />
===<br />
<br />
Today I've also been thinking a lot about the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/08/cafeteria-gay-mormons-have-it-hardest.html" target="_blank">TBM gay folks</a>. How do they feel about today's news? Are they a little upset with their own church? Or does stuff like this make their faith and devotion even stronger? Is this even a story to them? Blogger <a href="http://gaymormonman.blogspot.com/2015/11/no-words.html" target="_blank">GayMormonMan</a>, who says he's a TBM, seems a little perturbed by everything that happened today. Some of the most anti-gay marriage people I've come across are <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/04/if-i-were-josh-weed-id-be-pretty-pissed.html" target="_blank">gay/SSA men married to women.</a> I'm really curious as to what's going through their minds right now.<br />
<br />
===<br />
<br />
Randall Thacker of <a href="http://affirmation.org/" target="_blank">Affirmation</a> was quoted in <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/news/3144035-155/new-mormon-policy-makes-apostates-of" target="_blank">this Salt Lake Trib</a> article:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"I cannot imagine Jesus Christ denying any child a baptism because of the status of their parents. It goes against everything I ever thought the savior and baptism was about."</span></blockquote>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I admire Thacker's humbleness in giving a quote! My quote would have been a little on the mean/upset/angry side! </span></div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
===</div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
This commenter on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/KUTV2News/" target="_blank">KUTV's Facebook page</a> was not as conservative as Thacker: </div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 16.08px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"When will they stop with the hatred. Now they are involving kids. But, at the same time - I would </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16.08px;">hope a gay couple would not want their kids affiliated with that church anyway. Just sickening they felt the need to have this declared/announced. Shame on them."</span></blockquote>
</div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22.4px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16.08px;">===</span></div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">But again, should we really be surprised by all this? We all know how the church feels about same-sex marriage. I guess the leaked <a href="http://imgur.com/gallery/l2QQz1P/new" target="_blank">handbook photo</a> </span></span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">and </span></span><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">subsequent</span></span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;"> media coverage by multiple outlets (during sweeps month!) is making this all a little overwhelming. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">While the </span></span><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">announcement</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;"> bums me out, it'll be interesting to see how everyone (straight, gay, LDS, non-LDS, ex-LDS) react to this PR nightmare. (Thanks <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/news/3144035-155/new-mormon-policy-makes-apostates-of" target="_blank">John Dehlin</a>!) </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #141823;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16.08px;">===</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16.08px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;">Article of Faith #2 - </span></span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;">We believe that men will be </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;">punished</span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;"> for their </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;">own</span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;"> sins, and not for </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;">Adam’s</span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 25.2px;"> transgression.</span><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="TEXT_w_Indent" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.08px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-5941950527413181052015-11-01T10:03:00.000-06:002015-11-01T10:03:05.547-06:00My rejection letter from the LDS ChurchMany years ago, I was in a rut at my then workplace. I decided to put out some feelers and see what other job opportunities existed. A good friend of mine suggested I apply for a manager-type job with the LDS Church. She said I'd be good at it. I was honored that this friend thought I should apply for such a high-profile job - so I did. It was a great opportunity in a career field that I loved (and went to college for!) <br />
<br />
I didn't meet all the requirements. The <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Church_of_Jesus_Christ_of_Latter-day_Saints" target="_blank">COJCOLDS</a> wanted 10 years experience and I had about 8 in the related field. But I still thought I had a chance. Back then, I wanted this position. How cool would it be to work for the church I grew up with and devoted two years of my life for?! (I know that sentence may come across sarcastic, but I'm not really trying to be!) :-) <br />
<br />
I freshened up my resume, wrote a nice cover letter, and applied.<br />
<br />
This was their response:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDKceH8snoGx7zeomv-bhif3lwogieJmQ4oz5YWU1iJ1p5zmIGjiABXogCoAljt17-If3Zk0nv5VbUhwEnlFqjHxNKBK7kvH5HLSgU-Sp0SxGZIpAg2R4W-auQ1wv9q5AJtZMJxvKz_5cb/s1600/rejectionletter.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDKceH8snoGx7zeomv-bhif3lwogieJmQ4oz5YWU1iJ1p5zmIGjiABXogCoAljt17-If3Zk0nv5VbUhwEnlFqjHxNKBK7kvH5HLSgU-Sp0SxGZIpAg2R4W-auQ1wv9q5AJtZMJxvKz_5cb/s400/rejectionletter.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
In a world where most employers don't send out rejection letters, I was kinda surprised to get this. (Especially the "Will Not Be A Finalist" in the subject line!)<br />
<br />
I didn't get my hopes up, but I was still kind of bummed when this showed up in the ole Inbox. Applying for jobs will always be a tedious process, and after this email it was back to the drawing board. <br />
<br />
Today, I have a job I love, nowhere near the headquarters of the LDS Church. So the "Best wishes for your success" line in the above message actually came true.<br />
<br />
Over the years, this simple form letter from a "No reply" email account has really made me think. What if I really did get the job?! Would I still be in the closet? Would I be miserable? Would I still be single, or pressured into marriage? Since you have to have a <a href="https://careers.lds.org/search/public/jobdetail.aspx?jobid=135000" target="_blank">current temple recommend</a> to work for the church, would I have to confess to my bishop about my "same-sex attraction?" What would I have done with the doubts about the church I've accumulated over the years?<br />
<br />
A bunch of questions I'm glad I don't have to worry about answering.<br />
<br />
This email I've saved for 7 years also shows how naive I was. What was I thinking?! A gay Mormon approaching 30 seriously applying to work for the church. I guess I had the mindset that I could overcome my gayness and somehow work for an organization that really doesn't know what to do with people like me. Just think, me, a gay person, would have to defend my employer regarding <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-and-family-matter-everywhere-in-the-world?lang=eng" target="_blank">conference talks</a> on traditional marriage. That would have been fun. (This time, I am being sarcastic.) 2008 was NOT that long ago! It's fascinating how much my views on homosexuality and the church have changed. <br />
<br />
Seven years later, I'm more than grateful I don't work for the church. That would have been an absolute recipe for disaster. Plus I would have hated wearing a white shirt and tie six days a week.<br />
<br />
Crisis averted. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-24033713442434557012015-10-25T17:21:00.001-05:002015-10-25T17:21:50.265-05:00Who are you? Part 2 - Not all of us are Moho's <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI2UjeJqgNML8pkB3HLa76ySpzCzr8lFsCgwJ4yartuc4sQHt6V4U0CkuVo69uxAej1vqSB8LFUgYUIziP79kiKBsAPs2q3StLaCN2e6MWApcNhsPj8aDGw54B8rOaMfzIfOctBrC0lCN3/s1600/iStock_000017356039XSmall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI2UjeJqgNML8pkB3HLa76ySpzCzr8lFsCgwJ4yartuc4sQHt6V4U0CkuVo69uxAej1vqSB8LFUgYUIziP79kiKBsAPs2q3StLaCN2e6MWApcNhsPj8aDGw54B8rOaMfzIfOctBrC0lCN3/s320/iStock_000017356039XSmall.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Speaking on behalf of Adele: <a href="https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A" target="_blank">Hello.</a><br />
<br />
In my <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/10/who-are-you-part-1-of-hopefully-many.html" target="_blank">continued quest to share the not-so-public stories</a> of fellow Moho's, I bring you Part 2. However, this story does not involve a Moho. (Say what?!) I've learned that not all readers to this blog are Mormon and gay! Who would've thunk.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was contacted by an awesome guy who called himself a "<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">moderately-secular Jew" and my curiosity piqued. I tossed out a few questions and below you'll read his story. It's so interesting to learn about someone who grew up in a different environment, but how similar our stories can be. (All his answers are great, but I especially like the response to the next-to-last question.) </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I really love doing this. I hope you'll <a href="mailto:gaymormonsouthpaw@gmail.com" target="_blank">share your story with me as well.</a> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Briefly explain your correlation to the Moho community. </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> Well, when I was first coming out for real, I was Googling around and somehow found myself on a Moho blog. Quite frankly, it was really interesting and it was linked to lots of other similar blogs. I've always really loved personal narratives (This American Life, The Moth, etc.) and they were basically people going through something similar to what I was going through, but in very different circumstances. I guess it put things in perspective. After reading them for a while, I became use to the terminology and it has sort of remained something interesting and very human to read when I'm procrastinating. I sometimes feel a bit like I'm invading your community, so I tend to try not to be too involved other than reading.</blockquote>
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. As a non-Mormon, what attracted you to all the gay Mormon bloggers?</b> </span></div>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> Oh, well, I guess this is a bit complicated. So, I was raised in a relatively secular Jewish family and lived in an area where no one was particularly religious, regardless of what religion they were. I've always been interested in religion in general and more conservative forms of Christianity in particular. It's just very different than what I grew up in, so it's interesting to hear that perspective. That was probably what came to mind when I stumbled on a moho blog. I guess I've learned in time from bloggers how different Mormonism is and I've gained an appreciation for it. I think it's pretty neat for a lot of reasons: It's uniquely American, it's based around a very organized form of community, and it gives really practical implications for how to live your life. I don't think it's for me, but it's definitely interesting.</blockquote>
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<div>
<b>Q.<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Explain your coming out experience. </span></b></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> It sort of went in two phases. I first told some people at a party in high school. A friend asked me if I was gay, I think as a joke, but I had been thinking of telling people anyway, so I made myself spit out yes and then burst into tears. While my then-girlfriend (!) was consoling me, I made my brother call my parents and tell them. They weren't angry, but they were concerned that I hadn't thought it through and and a psychologist friend of theirs recommended that I see a therapist who focused on teen identity issues. He kept trying to convince me that there was no reason to lock down my identity and that it would come in time. I was scared and wasn't really in the fighting mood, so I just stayed closeted for the rest of high school. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When I got to my very liberal college, I quickly realized that any trepidation I had would have to take a backseat to my desire to date some of the very beautiful gay men that seemed to be everywhere. With the help of a support group, I told my friends and my immediate family, which by that point was pretty uneventful. It was stressful for the first year or so because I didn't really have anyone to confide in other than my support group (probably one reason why I really appreciated the Moho blogs), but after that, it was good.</blockquote>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<div>
<b>Q. <span style="font-family: inherit;">What's your status right now? (Single, in a relationship, etc.) Are you happy? </span></b></div>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> I'm married. I met my husband seven years ago, less than a year after I came out. We had both just gotten out of other relationships and he claimed he could never see us together, but after a few months of hanging out together every day, he finally came around. We got married last summer in a big, casual, outdoor ceremony with my older brother officiating, our other brothers as best men, and our parents holding the poles of the chuppah (it's a wedding canopy that represents your new household). </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I'm really very happy. My husband is great - he's odd and delightful. We live in a gay-ish part of a big city, where a lot of our friends are in walking distance and my cousins are close by. I have a job I really like, where I'm out and where my husband comes to hang out with my office. I had thought at one point that being gay would prevent me from working in most sectors, but in reality, turns out you can do just fine as a gay guy in the defense industry. Things are good with my family and I still have almost all my old friends. I've also made a lot of new friends, primarily through work and rock climbing, which I do with a gay group.</blockquote>
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Q. </b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>What advice do you have for Moho's who may be struggling with their sexuality and trying to balance church attendance? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> I am wildly unqualified to give advice on this - I got more religious when I came out. Here's my best shot: So, when I was a senior in college, there was a big argument in my religious community about a reading of the sexual prohibitions in Leviticus at an important occasion. It was a long story and the outcome was fine, but it left me with a bad taste in my mouth about how some people in the community wanted to preserve an unimportant tradition at the expense of the dignity of their gay peers, against the advice of our rabbi. At the same time, my boyfriend was going through a serious crisis and the only time we could really relax together was Friday night, when I was usually at prayers. Things were also getting very serious between us and I began to realize I would have to make some concessions to make a life with the non-Jewish guy I loved (intermarriage is still taboo for Jews, much more so than homosexuality). </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I ultimately decided that I had to approach religion on my own terms or it wouldn't be a source of joy for me anymore. If I skipped Sabbath prayers to have a family dinner with him, so be it. I could make decisions on an ad hoc basis without worrying how religious or non-religious it makes me. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I've found that has worked really well for me. I realize it's a lot harder to approach Mormonism on your own terms, but I think it's at least a helpful way to conceptualize it.</blockquote>
<br />
<b>Q. </b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b> Anything else you'd like to add? </b></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>A.</b> Whoever you are and whatever you're facing, you're not the first and you're not the only one. People can get so wrapped up in the idea that they are unique or in an unusual situation. In truth, everyone around you has been in a slightly unique situation and they all got out okay. Take strength in the fact that others have faced the same thing and move forward to whatever that might be.</blockquote>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-75730180005056529252015-10-18T20:46:00.000-05:002015-10-18T20:46:30.589-05:00Sometimes I just wanna eat dinner on the patio<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqaGUfQrKPTLU6o_tiI38yQQ3USoC3tdZV8gWQEpB-XvkcNu94_JnQFZUoO6PHPlcQiluZzO-03qX2_YKxGSqgOXAZibtTwaGxSwA5Uu5Hnx29l974p_i0dY_E_qBC6yd9P9O-JTsGdoPF/s1600/465322794_d1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqaGUfQrKPTLU6o_tiI38yQQ3USoC3tdZV8gWQEpB-XvkcNu94_JnQFZUoO6PHPlcQiluZzO-03qX2_YKxGSqgOXAZibtTwaGxSwA5Uu5Hnx29l974p_i0dY_E_qBC6yd9P9O-JTsGdoPF/s320/465322794_d1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No idea who these people are. Just your basic stock photo. :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
First off, thanks to all of you who responded to my <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/10/who-are-you-part-1-of-hopefully-many.html" target="_blank">"Who Are You?"</a> idea. I've got some great stories from readers and looking forward to sharing. (If you're wondering what this is all about, or you'd like to contribute - check out the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/10/who-are-you-part-1-of-hopefully-many.html" target="_blank">last post</a> for details.)<br />
<br />
Moving on. The more I've accepted my sexuality, the less active I've become in the LDS Church. I've wanted to stay under the radar when it comes to church activity, and I've successfully done so. Here's how I did it:<br />
<br />
1. Move out of the old ward.<br />
2. Transfer records to the new ward.<br />
3. Don't go to the new ward.<br />
<br />
I've only been contacted twice since moving to my new place. Both included a casual invite to attend church, but neither carried much pressure.<br />
<br />
The break from church has been nice - I'm less stressed, anxiety has gone down, and I don't feel as depressed. Plus having a full weekend - 2 whole days - is pretty dang awesome.<br />
<br />
But there are some repercussions from flying under the radar: my social life has disintegrated. All my life, my main circle of friends have been people in my ward, stake, seminary, institute, etc. etc. Yes, there have been co-worker friends, neighborhood friends, etc., but the majority have been from church. Now that I've moved (about 25 miles) from the old ward, starting anew socially has been difficult. While I consider myself an extrovert, I've really struggled making new friends outside of the Mormon bubble.<br />
<br />
Online friends/acquaintances suggest I look for people on <a href="http://www.meetup.com/" target="_blank">Meetup</a> or try a gay bar/church/hangout. But the thought of that gives me as much anxiety as returning to church! <br />
<br />
I realized just how much I miss social outings a couple weeks ago; I met up with my old group of church friends. (We could meet more often, but our current distance makes it a real challenge.) It was a simple restaurant dinner out on the patio. The weather was amazing, food was good, and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with everyone. We all laughed and had a great time. I miss these moments I've taken for granted for the past 20 years.<br />
<br />
I know what you're thinking. "GMS, you've decided to not go to church anymore, so quit being a cry baby and find some new friends." (While the <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/08/cafeteria-gay-mormons-have-it-hardest.html" target="_blank">TBM's</a> are likely suggesting I just go back to church.) And I could respond with: "Yes, you're probably right. I need to get out more." Seeing this all typed out is somewhat of a motivation to get be back on the social track. Stay tuned.<br />
<br />
And if you think you live near me (not in Utah), <a href="mailto:gaymormonsouthpaw@gmail.com" target="_blank">hit me up</a>! :)<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-64228981246745795342015-10-11T18:43:00.000-05:002015-10-11T18:43:43.878-05:00Who are you? Part 1 of (hopefully) many<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixjw4CD16mhQzVT9RIROxy2LUonKurtebmns3EAgmHpn15QSaPRyd4isFX7In-pA9_ANRuXxz05VhiKdIjj1k3j5Z0j-6nrf0Gk-QVEXnSMP4FhWupvnGOZ4KM7BDgfBX9xYRyOGbERgpB/s1600/whoareyou.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixjw4CD16mhQzVT9RIROxy2LUonKurtebmns3EAgmHpn15QSaPRyd4isFX7In-pA9_ANRuXxz05VhiKdIjj1k3j5Z0j-6nrf0Gk-QVEXnSMP4FhWupvnGOZ4KM7BDgfBX9xYRyOGbERgpB/s320/whoareyou.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've shared this plenty of times - but it's worth repeating: I love blogging. I'm grateful I have this outlet to share my story and what's on my mind. Blogging is "so 5 (10?) years ago," but it's all about showing up fashionably late. It's liberating to spew my thoughts of growing up gay and Mormon. <br />
<br />
I have no regrets in starting this little blog two years ago and for various reasons, I'm glad I've kept my posts anonymous. Ironically, today is <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Coming_Out_Day" target="_blank">National Coming Out Day</a>, but sorry, I won't be doing that publically on my blog! (But those who've reached out to me know that once I'm comfortable chatting, I reveal my true self and am Facebook friends with a few of you!)<br />
<br />
As I've shared my story with you over the past two years, there's one thing that I DON'T like in authoring a blog: I don't know YOUR story. Yes, you. The person reading this right now. YOU. If you haven't reached out via email or left a comment, I don't know anything about you. And that bugs me! Blogger does throw out a few analytics, but still, I'm in the dark and I have so many questions I want to ask YOU. Yes, you. I love reading others' stories - hearing them all was my motivation to start sharing my own. They're all so different. So fascinating. And for many, so secret. <br />
<br />
While <a href="http://gaymormonstories.org/" target="_blank">Gay Mormon Stories</a> and <a href="http://farbetweenmovie.com/" target="_blank">Far Between</a> are great outlets to share stories, you lose the anonymity. Staying anonymous allows ME to share a little bit more - a few extra secrets. So this gave me an idea. I'll start collecting YOUR stories and post them here. All anonymously, of course. People tend to share more and dig a little deeper if they know there would be no repercussions. This is similar to <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2013/12/moho-confessionals-heres-whats-on-your.html" target="_blank">the confessions stunt</a> I did, but on a more detailed scale. (Sheesh, I'm so nosy!) :) And again, those of you who know the 'real me,' the reason for doing this makes perfect sense!<br />
<br />
I've reached out to a few people and I'll continue to do so. Below you'll find the first Q & A. This interview is with a straight woman who married a gay man. (*Names have been changed.) The only background I had was this was a woman in a Mixed-Orientation Marriage and I based my questions off that single fact - and I tossed out all the questions at once. These stories are in random order. I have no reason for starting off with this interview - other than the fact it's extremely interesting. <br />
<br />
If YOU (yes, you) want to share your story - let me know. Contact me using the form on the right or drop me a line - gaymormonsouthpaw (at) gmail (dot) com. And again, I promise full anonymity. You give me your one single fact - and I'll ask my questions based on that.<br />
<br />Without further ado.... <br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Briefly explain your correlation to the Moho community. </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> There is almost no motivation for me to remain connected to the gay Mormon community because I have left Mormonism entirely. Fairly early in my marriage I fantasized about turning my mixed-orientation marriage into a source of strength for other mormons in the same type of marriage. We could host fabulous brunch support group sessions with other couples and help strengthen other marriages. It was a very complex set of dreams that I had hoped to accomplish to make this arrangement make some sense. Then I woke up and realized that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Mormonism any more, so those dreams of heroism died an unfulfilled death.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Did you know your husband was gay before marrying him?</b> </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;"><b>A.</b> I did. There were a couple of stages of coming to this awareness. After our first date, my co-workers were asking how it went and I told them that I would probably never see him again because Craig* was pretty obviously gay. I figured that was the end of that. But Craig kept calling and we kept going out so I began to dismiss the idea that he was actively gay, and was maybe just effeminate.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">After we had dated for about a year, we took a long weekend to drive and let Craig meet my parents. This may seem a little unbelievable but on that drive Craig was reading the new Greg Louganis biography. Once I saw that book, I figured at that point that he was definitely gay, or at least had those inclinations. On the drive back from meeting my parents, Craig made the big reveal. For as aware as I was that Craig was probably gay, the talk went poorly and I freaked. It made it so real to hear him say that about himself, plus I realized the degree to which he still identified with his homosexuality. That was startling to hear.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. How did 'the talk' go once he confessed? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I think the talk went poorly, considering all the clues that I had already picked up on. At this point I loved him and this was a big unknown and risky variable that was being introduced into the relationship. It was horribly scary and I didn't expect the massive emotional reaction that came out. It was hours of sobbing and I was so sad.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">But I'm a live-and-let-live type of gal and thought that everyone deserved their chance at making a family work so by the next day I was pretty chill with the idea. I told him almost immediately that I knew he was still Craig and this new information didn't change my feelings for him.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">In hindsight, that was idiocy. Knowing what I know now, I realize that I was only being given part of the information. I didn't know this at the time but Craig had already had multiple male sex partners and he was still actively banging his best friend, but at the time, all I saw was a nice dude who wanted a shot at having a family.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What are the advantages of being married to a gay man? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;"><b>A.</b> Craig was a somewhat stereotypical gay man. He liked to shop, he liked to chat, and he liked to keep the floors clean. So those were all pretty handy benefits. I am domestic-skills impaired so for our first Christmas as a married couple I gave him a sewing machine, knowing that I would soon get some fantastic curtains for our new house.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.42857em;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Disadvantages? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A. </b>Too many and too painful to dig too deep here. The overarching problem is that everything was a lie. He was trying to fake straight because his conservative, LDS upbringing guilted him into that. I'm not the first person to use this terminology but it was an immediate sensation that I had just been pulled into the closet with him, and NOT in a fun high school make-out sort of way. I cut off my friends and family. I completely turned inward because of this big secret that I was now also living. In retrospect, it was devastating to me emotionally but I was loyal to a fault and would never throw him over for something that was entirely out of his control.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">The major problem is that our two kids ended up caught in this lie. In the end, I learned that entering a MOM is a completely selfish move for both Craig and myself. I was selfish to expect him to limit himself to a heterosexual marriage that he had only limited ability to engage in. He was selfish to expect me to give up a normal sense of marriage, partnership, and sex life to play cover for his homosexuality. He married me to be his beard, and everybody lost.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What is your status now? (divorced? Exmo? etc.) What's his status? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> As for the status of the marriage, we are right now working through a contentious divorce and it is not pleasant. He has a new partner and "has never been happier." He wants to leg it away from us and pretend that there is no financial responsibility to us because he is so happy moving on and pretending that we don't exist.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">As for religion, I am exmormon and haven't attended mormon church services for maybe about three years now. Our kids are teens and they have also left the mormon church. Craig doesn't talk to me at all and lives a few thousand miles away so I am only guessing, but I'm pretty sure that he is also now exmormon.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Do you two remain friends? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> No. I am too susceptible to his lies and self-serving manipulation so I have had to make a clean break now that the kids are old enough to manage their own communications with him. Plus I see how he has treated his kids now that he has a new partner and wants to pretend that they don't exist, and it's pretty difficult being friends with that kind of person. The dishonesty killed the friendship and relationship far more than any gayness could have.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. What advice do you have for folks about to enter a MOM? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Anyone entering a MOM is making a horrible mistake. It cannot succeed and is entirely unfair to absolutely everyone involved. Each partner is being selfish and both are being cruel to any resulting children.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. How much blame to you put on the church? (If any.) </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> I definitely hold the church as being partially to blame. Craig was so indoctrinated and terrified to be his gay self that he had to fake a heterosexual marriage. I was so indoctrinated that my only path forward as a woman was to be married and produce children that I accepted this sham of a marriage. The church puts this burden of expectation of a single path forward for its members and that will always be a recipe for disaster, especially when dealing with encouraging mixed-orientation marriage, as was the church policy back when we were dating and married.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Is life better now? How so? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Life is better to be away from the daily head games that come when one partner is sleeping with dozens of anonymous randoms every month and racking up the more permanent lovers in several cities that he had to travel to for work. The lies are over and done with but I'm now almost 50 years old and have little to no prospect of ever trusting another man again. My kids miss their dad but they don't recognize that man that he is now. He used to be an engaged father who was fun and awesome. Now that he is done living the lie, he has moved on in every respect and has no time for them at all anymore. He will go several months without calling them. It is a very messy situation. Nobody won.</span></blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Q. Anything else you'd like to add? </b></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>A.</b> Maybe one thing that some people might wonder is whether the kids now know that their father is gay and how that went down. This is something that I thought about a lot before I acted. For about a year before I told them, I introduced them to the TV show "Modern Family." We lived abroad and didn't watch US television so they had never seen it. I introduced that show to them to normalize the idea of gay couples of how they are just normal members of the family.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 1.42857em;">One afternoon I gave them the basic run down to catch them up on the details of their family. I told them that their dad was gay (he was already living thousands of miles away from us at the time is why he wasn't a part of the conversation), that he wanted a divorce, and that he had a new boyfriend. They were not at all shocked about the gay part, and hardly cared. Gay is so normal to this generation that the impact from that was incredibly minimal. The massive impact was how they were crushed that he had told me he wanted a divorce. That was the entire emotional blow. But funnily enough, my clever children processed this information for a few minutes, asked some basic questions, and then said, "Hey, is this why you had us start watching 'Modern Family?'" That was so funny that it only took them minutes to see right through my plan to normalize as much as possible. My kids were 15 and 13 at the time.</span> </span></blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-83864844588940633692015-09-27T15:34:00.001-05:002015-09-27T15:34:51.729-05:00That one time a haunted house date nearly turned me straight <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6CLpTe6MX8nCSZKBjX7WiMPy_XmKKiYQwYyWwVlDwuwyoFB42JSLZFGC9GgQPwZY0pczJLdxVNpV4iuht6M3R6yqRRdcwjmtw54HCM82uEWar-XJD_ezmpzpDlj4wkOlufioODvj4lqa2/s1600/hauntedhouse.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6CLpTe6MX8nCSZKBjX7WiMPy_XmKKiYQwYyWwVlDwuwyoFB42JSLZFGC9GgQPwZY0pczJLdxVNpV4iuht6M3R6yqRRdcwjmtw54HCM82uEWar-XJD_ezmpzpDlj4wkOlufioODvj4lqa2/s320/hauntedhouse.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Happy Fall! I love this time of year. Cooler weather. Football. Start of the holiday season.<br />
<br />
Seeing the sudden display of Halloween decorations at stores (they sure do get bigger and bigger every year) reminded me of a date that was a big turning point for me.<br />
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Many years ago, I went on a group date to a haunted house. (I probably don't need to tell you this, but yes, it was a Mormon group date.) This haunted house was one of the super freaky deaky ones in the middle of nowhere. The employees work and prepare all year for their one month of business.<br />
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Now, haunted houses don't really bother me, EXCEPT for when I have to crawl. For some reason, claustrophobia hits me like a rock when I have to get on my hands and knees.<br />
<br />
But anyway, back to this date. The girl was awesome. Great person to talk to, funny, cute, we had similar interests, all the good stuff. (So what if I had no physical attraction to her whatsoever!) :-)<br />
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She, on the other hand, wasn't a big fan of haunted houses. It only took a few minutes of scares and screams before I knew she was miserable. I think her exact words were, "I don't like this."<br />
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Then something interesting happened. Something I had never felt before. She grabbed my hand. And held on tight. She moved in close to me as we walked. I am considerably taller, so she fit just right under my chin. I felt this sudden burst of power. My<a href="https://workingwithautismblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/dont-pop-my-bubble.jpg" target="_blank"> typical bubble</a> had been burst. She was looking for comfort and security and I was able to give it to her. I was ENJOYING this physical touch.<br />
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This gave me a new high. Maybe I could develop feelings for a woman?! It's like the gay switch was turned off and I'm now heterosexual!!! Woo hoo!! Plan of salvation here we come! <br />
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But the high didn't last long. The key word for this story is: temporary. For just a few moments, I thought I could be straight and live the life I was taught to have. When the night was over, and I went back home, I likely imagined what it would be like to hold hands and comfort another guy. (And it probably would have felt a LOT better.) The date was a temporary rush that quickly dissipated.<br />
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I've had a lot of these temporary moments. I start having a really good time with a girl, and think, maybe she's the one! Only to return back to who I really am once I get home -- gay. And always will be. <br />
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The high I felt at the haunted house, followed by the low at the end of the night - was the deciding factor for me to stop trying to find "the one" (girl.) There's no way I could turn these temporary bursts of attraction into a life-long marriage to a woman. I felt horrible leading these girls on - and it was time to move on. The haunted house was a turning point as I started to shift my focus to dates with guys instead of women - and as I've mentioned many times throughout my blog - I've never been happier.<br />
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Have I gone to a haunted house with a guy? No. But I think it would be fabulous! (As long as there's no crawling.) <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-42745244098939351242015-09-13T20:35:00.001-05:002015-09-20T10:07:39.842-05:00Appearing on the TLC Network will only get you into trouble <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRTTLSMRvmKcLYg5fOGEATSIlLPLf9if7xIQhmNgp96kKG1AqG5HaJQlYA02x8lwkrlib0pHba4VK-vTqDRBUP6NLlgbcLUlL7eBa1OexprYixmiiNOjv-z5GSP4QCW7a0-TqR14xOTeF7/s1600/tlc-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRTTLSMRvmKcLYg5fOGEATSIlLPLf9if7xIQhmNgp96kKG1AqG5HaJQlYA02x8lwkrlib0pHba4VK-vTqDRBUP6NLlgbcLUlL7eBa1OexprYixmiiNOjv-z5GSP4QCW7a0-TqR14xOTeF7/s320/tlc-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I remember the good ol' days of the TLC Network, back when they showed stuff like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trading_Spaces" target="_blank">Trading Spaces</a>. Today, the network is surrounded by controversy:<br />
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*Mama June in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" was linked to a <a href="http://www.people.com/article/honey-boo-boo-canceled-tlc" target="_blank">convicted sex offender.</a><br />
<br />
*Hypocrite Josh Dugger in "19 Kids and Counting" <a href="http://www.eonline.com/news/688520/can-the-duggar-brand-be-saved-inside-tlc-s-cancellation-of-19-kids-and-counting-money-pr-and-remorse" target="_blank">admitted to molesting his siblings</a> and then cheated on his wife using an Ashley Madison account. <br />
<br />
*"Breaking Amish" (which I actually watched) <a href="http://jezebel.com/5949245/arrests-divorces-and-secret-children-breaking-amish-is-nothing-but-lies" target="_blank">turned out to be completely fake</a>.<br />
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I could go on and on.<br />
<br />
And now it looks like the dudes in <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/01/12/my_husband_s_not_gay_on_tlc_misunderstands_what_it_means_to_be_gay.html" target="_blank">"My Husband's Not Gay"</a> are facing some unwanted attention. I <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2015/01/my-review-of-my-husbands-not-gay-i.html" target="_blank">reviewed the show back in January</a> and made note the three married guys were all involved with <a href="http://www.peoplecanchange.com/jim/" target="_blank">"People Can Change"</a> and Journey Into Manhood - a place for "men who are self-motivated and serious about resolving unwanted homosexual attractions."<br />
<br />
Recently, Jeff Bennion and Pret Dahlgren, who both appeared in "My Husband's Not Gay" <a href="http://northstarlds.org/newsroom/north-star-announced-leadership-changes/" target="_blank">have resigned from their leadership positions in North Star.</a> The gay LDS support group says their continued participation may be a distraction to their mission. It goes on to say: "North Star has never advocated any specific therapy, including reparative or 'conversion' therapy; we feel that message will be made more clear if we no longer fill leadership roles." --- (Which is funny because I found this message in one of the Northstar dis<span style="font-family: inherit;">cussion group</span>s:)<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Is NorthStar becoming nothing more than a reparative therapy sales center?? That's all I ever see mentioned here are Evergreen conferences, JIM events, and pitches for people like Ritch Wyer. Is there nothing for people who aren't interested in reparative therapy, or who tried it and didn't get anything out of it?"</i></span></span><br />
<br />
I can't say the TV show is directly responsible for their resignations, but I'm sure their on-screen appearances played a role. <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/2883953-155/op-ed-gay-conversion-therapy-should-be-exposed" target="_blank">A recently published op-ed in the Salt Lake Tribune</a> may have also been a contributing factor. In any event, the TV show exposed a few extra skeletons in their closet (no pun intended) which led to <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/home/2036479-155/story.html" target="_blank">unwanted media attention</a>.<br />
<br />
EDIT: If you have some time to kill, <a href="http://files.eqcf.org/cases/ferguson-v-jonah-unofficial-trial-transcripts/" target="_blank">check out the transcripts from the public gay conversion therapy trial</a> mentioned in the Trib article. It's a VERY interesting read. <br />
<br />
What are my thoughts? Well, since I <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">believe nothing good can come out of North Star</a>, I could care less about these changes. But the younger Mormon LGBT community still trying to figure out themselves will benefit without the influence of Bennion and Dahlgren.<br />
<br />
I still don't know why these guys and their wives appeared on "My Husband's Not Gay" in the first place. We probably will never know why. But considering all of TLC's controversies, how could they imagine that anything positive could come out of it?<br />
<br />
I mentioned this in my original <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">North Star post</a>, and still feel it applies right now. Please, please, PLEASE think before you record a video or appear on a national cable network for something that could be seen as controversial. It's just not worth it. There are other ways to get your message across. (For example, start an anonymous blog!) :)<br />
<br />
Another case in point - why does this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAPzZVaAbFY" target="_blank">Voices of Hope</a> video have over 10,000 views while the majority have barely hit 500? <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/comments/337ieo/mormon_man_talks_about_being_gay_in_awkward/" target="_blank">This is why.</a> :(<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-42355630450087930922015-08-30T10:57:00.000-05:002015-08-30T10:57:27.441-05:00Game show eye candy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP5s0ZlbusArNzfYmpZ6fc7KQkLNHeZYzgTsWLpTFgbILg_ofDuKpvxVuIMqD6dsuCr-HDHh57S_9jeTBKyKw78bVbvvZz8_hVymm7UXF3tfcGa3pA20pHFCVye0Pu4PnF8eGAkFf524xk/s1600/480689876.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP5s0ZlbusArNzfYmpZ6fc7KQkLNHeZYzgTsWLpTFgbILg_ofDuKpvxVuIMqD6dsuCr-HDHh57S_9jeTBKyKw78bVbvvZz8_hVymm7UXF3tfcGa3pA20pHFCVye0Pu4PnF8eGAkFf524xk/s320/480689876.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I really love a good game show. While I prefer game shows from before I was born, (eg Match Game from the 70's) there are some good ones on today.<br />
<br />
Case in point - Hollywood Game Night. It's fast paced and entertaining. And I enjoy seeing celebrities outside their acting element (and even their interviewee element too.) But the icing on the cake for Hollywood Game Night - there's some good eye candy. And yes, while there are some beautiful females on the show, I'd like to talk about the men. (Duh, I'm gay.) :)<br />
<br />
Without further ado...<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1285162/" target="_blank">Matthew Morrison</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0704270/" target="_blank">Zachary Quinto</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1483196/" target="_blank">Jerry Ferrara</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1378589/" target="_blank">David Walton</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1775466/" target="_blank">John Legend</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2266084/" target="_blank">Curtis Stone</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0530249/" target="_blank">Mario Lopez</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1009277/" target="_blank">Dax Shepard</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0542133/" target="_blank">Joe Manganiello</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1040365/" target="_blank">Brandon T. Jackson</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1365912/" target="_blank">David Giuntoli</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0837177/" target="_blank">Jason Sudeikis</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2023050/" target="_blank">Darren Criss</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1157048/" target="_blank">Zachary Levi</a><br />
<br />
Etc. etc. etc. Ok, many of the above aren't necessary A-list celebrities, but they're still pretty. And there have been many other pretty men on the show, but the above is a good sample. <br />
<br />
Watching good looking celebrities, male and female, raising money for charity, I guess is quite the turn on!<br />
<br />
But in a recent episode, I was a little mesmerized by two celebrity contestants:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1794531/" target="_blank">Nate Berkus</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1406387/" target="_blank">Rocco Dispirito</a>. Again, not A-list by any means, but these two had some sort of bromance going on that made the episode extra special. Everytime the camera went to the celebrities, I would see what these two were doing. Friendly touching, smiling at each other, arm around the other, leaning on. (Sorry, no pictures except for the one above, so you'll just have to imagine it.) Dare I say - it was kinda hot. <br />
<br />
I can't really explain why these contestants caught my attention. (And give me a reason to write a WHOLE blog post!) Rocco is straight, married to a woman, Nate is gay married to a man. Maybe the straight/gay friendship/bromance is especially exciting to me? Maybe I'm jealous and want this type of friendship with a straight guy? Maybe it's a way to denounce homophobia? Rocco cooks, Nate decorates homes and that combination is perfect?<br />
<br />
In any event, it was a fun, eye pleasing episode. <br />
<br />
BTW, this week's episode (Sept. 1) includes <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3273910/" target="_blank">Jeff Dye</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2679438/" target="_blank">Joe Jonas</a>. Hmm. After typing all this out, I guess I have a thing for brunettes. :) Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-60938549115439792562015-08-12T21:38:00.001-05:002015-08-12T21:38:54.424-05:00Cafeteria gay Mormons have it the hardest <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMk7mODGLm7ueXIIq4teO1fhnFKivdaT6z-Q8wIrrNx3saQrntZ7ngEWKY-vj512IJGDXjj0_HCOnjxGGK1nUGEXgXzI3wxC2GcxUhAePrKMnn8BouBG6vpo98vgEq5KeV-hIA-5ND8oHp/s1600/Cafeteria-Food-1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMk7mODGLm7ueXIIq4teO1fhnFKivdaT6z-Q8wIrrNx3saQrntZ7ngEWKY-vj512IJGDXjj0_HCOnjxGGK1nUGEXgXzI3wxC2GcxUhAePrKMnn8BouBG6vpo98vgEq5KeV-hIA-5ND8oHp/s320/Cafeteria-Food-1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
I've been thinking the last couple days and developed this opinion. The topics I'm about to bring up are all my thoughts, and you're free to disagree! And since I'm such a nice guy, I am capable of swaying my opinion with the right arguments.<br />
<br />
Here goes.<br />
<br />
When it comes to confusion, wasted time, depression, and overall difficulty, I believe that the cafeteria gay Mormons have it the hardest.<br />
<br />
Before you throw your tomatoes, let me try and explain.<br />
<br />
As I've already discussed the different types of <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2013/11/calling-yourself-gay-mormon-just-doesnt.html" target="_blank">gay Mormons</a>, I feel the need to point out the different type of Mormons. The two main categories I can identify with are:<br />
<br />
<b>TBM - or True-Believing Mormon </b><br />
Church is 100% true<br />
You go to church every week, participate, honor your callings, etc.<br />
Growing up, I never really had many TBM friends. The ones on my mission, I struggled to get along with.<br />
Oh, and I know you are a TBM if you have a picture of a temple or some GA's quote on your Facebook timeline. (This is somewhat of a joke; I'm not trying to be rude!) :)<br />
<br />
<b>Cafeteria Mormons</b><br />
Believe in the church to an extent, but realize there are issues with church history, etc.<br />
Pick and choose what commandments/church rules you follow.<br />
Personally, I've always prefered to befriend these slightly more liberal Mormons. I feel more comfortable around them.<br />
<br />
(There are also <a href="http://www.newordermormon.org/" target="_blank">New Order Mormons</a>, <a href="http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Jack_Mormon" target="_blank">Jack Mormons</a>, and probably a bunch of other little subgroups.) <br />
<br />
Now my explanation:<br />
<br />
I want to focus on the "wasted time" issue. In my 20's, I was always on the fence of staying with the church or leaving it to pursue a gay relationship. Early on, I wanted to remain active. I spent many years trying to be a good guy, albeit never a TBM, and thought that if I sailed by performing my callings, serving a mission, being a good example, that someday I'd wake up straight and live happily ever after with my wife and 2.5 kids. But I've never been strict on myself when it comes to keeping the Sabbath Day holy or even the Word of Wisdom. I was the first to complain about all those meetings before AND after church.<br />
<br />
Once I figured out that I would never wake up straight, having this 'cafeteria' attitude meant that I started to believe that gay relationships were OK, even though the church was against it. TBM's hated me because I was living in sin. Gay TBM's hated me because I was a bad example. <br />
<br />
I wasted at least 10 years because I was a cafeteria Mormon. The constant back and forth/picking and choosing makes me want to pull my hair out! If I had jumped ship early on, my life would be much different, and probably happier. <br />
<br />
TBM's who happen to be gay see their homosexuality or "SSA" as a trial, something they'll overcome either in this life or the next. There was never a fence. They're not "wasting time" like I am, because they made the promise to follow the commandments and guidelines of the church. They've accepted the fact that they'll either remain celibate, or if things work out, they'll marry someone of the opposite sex. Yes, many are depressed and I've witnessed a lot of self-loathing, but it seems after prayer, reading the scriptures, hanging with their <a href="http://gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-gay-mormon-support-group-really.html" target="_blank">support groups</a>, they seem to (temporarily) snap out of it and move on. Straight TBM's LOVE them. No matter the trial, gay TBM's always seem to overcome it once they've accepted Christ's atonement. (Something that I've never been able to do.) Do I wish I grew up a TBM? No.<br />
<br />
So -- if you're reading this, call yourself a cafeteria Mormon, and just realized you're gay, you've got a long, confusing road ahead. If you're TBM, you probably won't be reading my blog anyway. :)<br />
<br />
I had a bunch of stuff in my head this week, but as I type it out, it's not sending the message I had hoped. Maybe you all can help. Any thoughts? Do Cafeteria gay Mormons have it tougher?<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-68550828888120019352015-07-04T11:22:00.000-05:002015-07-04T14:40:00.269-05:00Well, at least he got to witness gay marriage legalized in the U.S. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihEhmq4hmf2sycVpDeoOySA42ktQZXiYswwzroEHvYRVYW4P4DVmpsfaP-PWmGKQxUirzS2AfuvyebyUJTVxbVdnMBHQTkQGLve9wvu8G4-EgfEFh4c1HLF40aQahMVSpvdnzpUyqgdUc_/s1600/2011-10-1060-president-boyd-k-packer-590x332-ldsorg-article.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihEhmq4hmf2sycVpDeoOySA42ktQZXiYswwzroEHvYRVYW4P4DVmpsfaP-PWmGKQxUirzS2AfuvyebyUJTVxbVdnMBHQTkQGLve9wvu8G4-EgfEFh4c1HLF40aQahMVSpvdnzpUyqgdUc_/s320/2011-10-1060-president-boyd-k-packer-590x332-ldsorg-article.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
As folks post their remembrances and favorite talks of <a href="http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/president-boyd-k-packer-dies-at-age-90" target="_blank">President Boyd K. Packer</a>, I'm really struggling to think of anything positive about the man.<br />
<br />
As always, my condolences to the family of a leader who devoted his life to the church, but Packer is the reason I began to distance myself from the LDS faith.<br />
<br />
First off, I'm one of the "dangers" he spoke of in <a href="http://www.zionsbest.com/face.html" target="_blank">this now infamous talk</a>. <br />
<br />
Then there's all the talk about my <a href="https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33382_eng.pdf?lang=eng" target="_blank">"little factory."</a><br />
<br />
For non-members, in the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/03/boyd-k-packer-dead-mormon_n_7725242.html" target="_blank">third paragraph of his official AP obituary</a>, there's already mention of why he wasn't a favorite. <br />
<br />
But it wasn't until his <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/cleansing-the-inner-vessel?lang=eng" target="_blank">2010 General Conference</a> talk that <span style="font-family: inherit;">pushed </span>me into a deep depression of trying to be both gay and Mormon. I heard these words live with about 10 close friends huddled around a TV: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father."</span> </span></blockquote>
Yes, the talk was edited for the print version, but the damage had already been done. These talks are reviewed and edited by many before they're given over the pulpit, and I never understood how the above paragraph got the final approval.<br />
<br />
For many members so devoted to the gospel, the above words and talks just push them even harder to overcome masturbation and homosexual thoughts and actions. And this caused some to be pushed to an even deeper form of depression and self-hate, and yes, I hate to say it - but some were even pushed to suicide. Looking back, I'm glad I wasn't as strong and devoted as some of my peers. Five years after that talk, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't slowly let go from Mormonism. <br />
<br />
I'm just glad Packer was able to see gay marriage legalized in all 50 states. He tried so hard to denounce homosexuality, I hope he was able to see at least a few people happy after last Friday's ruling.<br />
<br />
I'll leave a Facebook comment left on a Mormon themed news site. It was left by another gay Mormon who put Packer's death in a blunt but appropriate light. (And also inspired me to write this blog post.) <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I wish I could say I was heartbroken; President Packer was a difficult man to love. But I wish him a peaceful rest and his family, solace. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
May his angry and thorough misreadings of God's message of love travel with him to the grave." </blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1302066353103182490.post-58658688201667103522015-06-28T10:31:00.000-05:002015-06-28T10:31:20.204-05:00June 26, 2015: The day to clean out your Facebook friends list... Oh, and the whole gay marriage thing. :)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFbuwtV4q4UMffL_1OEDLeAc34lFr9x7Wdu93qt6wKxFMxhSq6HjBt5jgsVSdEq6Y18j4SOU-AYbj_gtZ6GmH1SwDy-gpd9NbN-QWuafkKlEx5jQBUVK2SJyZuNL1vwyLdoKKHx48d8DZD/s1600/1000.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFbuwtV4q4UMffL_1OEDLeAc34lFr9x7Wdu93qt6wKxFMxhSq6HjBt5jgsVSdEq6Y18j4SOU-AYbj_gtZ6GmH1SwDy-gpd9NbN-QWuafkKlEx5jQBUVK2SJyZuNL1vwyLdoKKHx48d8DZD/s320/1000.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
It was a good Friday. I was so happy to witness history. Gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. (I guess we can just call it 'marriage' now.)<br />
<br />
I think I did a record number of "Likes" over the weekend as people were proclaiming their happiness and friends (both gay and straight) changed their profile pics to the rainbow filter.<br />
<br />
Then came the hate.<br />
<br />
Around 95% of the rude comments I witnessed came from people claiming to be LDS. Now, I can handle a healthy argument from both sides, but the comments and snide remarks I saw were the complete opposite of Christlike. I'd love for the straight, church-going, married-in-the-temple folks to walk a day in my shoes and see if their opinions would change. (Probably not, but thought I'd throw out the opportunity.) <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I then realized - I don't need these negative people in my life. It was time for a Facebook Friend Cleanse, if you will. One by one, I unfriended these people, and it felt good. I was probably going to delete these friends anyway at some point, and this weekend was the perfect time to do so. My feed is now happier and much less depressing. Facebook is a good representation of my real life, too. The more and more I separate myself from the LDS Church, the happier I've become. (Full explanation of this separation is scheduled for a future blog post.) :)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Again, I'm happy for my friends who can now marry the person they love. And I hope to do the same someday. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And to those former FB friends - seriously - how could you NOT shed a little tear for the above couple in their 80's who waited 54 years to get married?! I mean, that's pure love right there. </div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.com1