Whatever happened to....

Recently, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't know. We had some mutual friends and I used to live in her city, and since I'm a nice guy, I accepted. Almost immediately, she sent random greetings via Facebook Messenger. And when I didn't respond right away she sent question marks (???). (ProTip: Don't do this.) And if that wasn't annoying enough, she then proceeded to video call me via Messenger. I freaked. I unfriended then blocked her.

This FB stranger incident kinda indirectly made me think of some other conversations I've had with Mohos.

Since starting this blog, I've had several people reach out. I've made it clear that anyone can contact me with whatever issues they want to chat about. They have questions, they're alone, they're on the fence of church and sexuality, they need a listening ear, etc. Several pen pal friendships have popped up, all thanks to this blog. I'm extremely grateful for all the Mohos I've "met." And while folks are asking for advice, turns out the person on the other end will teach me a thing or two. Some of the conversations were simple, while others got pretty deep. Some learned my true identity and I learned theirs.

However, a few of these conversations ended abruptly. The emails stop. I rack my brain trying to figure out what happened. Do they not need my help anymore? Do they think I'll be upset because they've changed their mind on what side of the fence they're on? (I won't be.) Do they find me annoying? Are they worried about losing their anonymity? I get nervous when the conversations stop because I'm worried about their wellbeing.

I had one guy email me, severely depressed, and I carefully wrote back with what I felt was an appropriate response, only to never hear from him again. He used an alias email/name, so there was no way to check up on him. I hope he's OK.

On special occasions, (e.g. Christmas), I'll write a brief message to the former pen pals, a simple hello and hope you're well, and again, will hear nothing in return. I hope they're OK.

I hope I don't come across as the annoying girl on Facebook. I just know that some gay Mormons are delicate and could use a little check-in here and there. We all could use a little support while going through these crazy lives. Sometimes I wish they would respond with, "I'm good" or "I've moved on" or "I just don't have time to write anymore" rather than simply ignoring me. (Note that not all conversations are like this. Some have a mutual understanding of "We're good" and there's no need to continue communicating.)

The same goes for some Moho bloggers. They've stopped writing and I think 'whatever happened to....'

I also hope I don't come across as clingy. When someone reaches out to me, I immediately become interested. I care about this person. I want them to be happy. I'll do anything I can to provide sound advice or my opinion. Gay Mormons are a rare breed so I cherish every pen pal friendship. But after days, months, or yes, even years of writing, it hurts when the conversation ends with no explanation. And BTW, I have never and will never just send other Mohos question marks. :)

Am I overreacting? Am I acting like a high schooler?

Or should I just be like Elsa and 'Let it go?'

I'm not very good at this whole gay thing

Hopefully by now, you've picked up that I would be up to dating guys.  I feel my laid-back 'whatever' approach in my writing shows that.

When I finally got over the denial and accepted my sexuality, I made myself two promises:

1) I refuse to stay celibate.
2) I refuse to marry a woman.

Both those go against what I've learned in the church which is why I shared my struggles in my Q&A.

Here's the deal - I have yet to go out on an 'official' date with a guy.  To be honest, the idea of it kinda freaks me out.  (How do I act?  What if someone I know [from church] sees me?  Who pays?)

I've chatted face-to-face with other gay guys (all who happen to be Mormon) and it's mainly been a lot of talking.  Sharing stories and secrets with each other, venting, etc.  No real 'dates.'  And I wasn't ready for dating in my meetings with these guys.

But lately, I've been itchin' to try out the whole gay dating scene.  I prefer to find someone with an LDS background or basically the same values, but unfortunately, I've yet to find someone in this category where I live.

So let's say I do find someone, I'm still freaked out by the date itself.  And I was reminded by this just a couple days ago.

Quick story.   My car was in the shop and had to be kept overnight.  The dealership was out of loaner cars, so I went with Enterprise Rent-a-Car  ("We'll pick you up!")  I was picked up from the dealership (to take me back to Enterprise) by a very tall, attractive girl.  We chatted the whole ride.  We laughed.  We shared life stories.  We had a good time.  We were basically BFF's by the time the ride was over.  Next day.  I am taken back to the dealership by a tall, attractive guy.  Nothing.  Crickets.  We barely said a word except for his forced question of, "So... How was the car?"  The longest ride ever.  It was discouraging.  I'm all ready and excited for the new adventure of dating a guy, and I can barely even talk to this one.  (I feel the Enterprise dude was straight, but that almost seems irrelevant.)  Or should it be relevant?  So confused.

I KNOW I can talk to guys.  Heck, the first gay Mormon I ever met in person, we chatted for 8 hours straight.  But I feel my little rent-a-car experience was a setback.  I WANT to talk to guys.  I just need more practice.

Who is GMS?

I think I'm definitely in the Honeymoon stage of blogging. I have so much in my mind, I want to get it all out there and blog, blog, blog.  I'm sure in a couple weeks, it'll all die down.  But I'll do my best to keep a good rhythm.

Ok.  Q&A time.  As I've mentioned in blog numero uno, I enjoy reading the stories and experiences of other gay Mormons.  But I appreciate it even more when I feel like I know the person.  So here are some typical ice breaker facts to pass along.

If I end an answer with "FBP," look for a Future Blog Post on that particular topic.  (So in essence, I'm preparing my own Table of Contents with this Q&A)

Were you 'born this way'?
Yep.

When did you first realize you were gay?
In elementary school when I was called gay after calling another guy cute.  FBP

What was junior high and high school like?
Junior High was that typical awkward stage, but I loved high school.  Had a good balance of friends, church, family and work.

Did you serve a mission?
Yep.

How was life post-mission?  
Good.  Still kept that good balance of friends and school.

What about the gay thing?
I was still in denial even through college.  I didn't want to call myself gay and still had hopes I would wake up straight one day.   FBP

When did you finally accept yourself as gay?
Not until my first job outside of college.  I got tired of the denial and knew I wasn't going to change.  I actually became a happier person because of it.  FBP

How many people who know you face to face know you're gay?
I hate to say it - but very few.  Less than 10.   FBP

Were you good at hiding it?  
I actually think I was.  I dated a lot of girls and felt I fooled a lot of people.  As I get older though, I'm sure there are plenty of suspicions.  If I came out today, I'm sure most won't be surprised.  FBP

Any family know?
Nope.  (I haven't admitted it. Again, I'm sure there are suspicions.)

You've accepted yourself as gay.  You're also Mormon.  How are the two together? 
It sucks.   FBP

What's your biggest qualm of being gay and Mormon?
I hate how divided all the gay Mormons are.  (The North Star/Evergreen crowd vs. The Affirmation/Mormons Building Bridges crowd)   FBP

Are you active in the church?
I go, but not sure why.  It's become a lot more difficult in the past couple months.  I go mainly for social/cultural reasons.

What advice do you have for other gay Mormons?
Never marry a woman.   FBP

Ever dated a guy?
Nope.

Guy crush?
Top 2 - Josh Duhamel & Jenson Ackles

You love your Mormon bloggers.  Who are your favorites?  
I love 'em all.  (Well, almost all) But a few that I enjoy -- Gay Mormon Pioneer, Broken Lights, In Search of Acceptance, and then the compilation of bloggers at No More Strangers

Any reason?
Their writing styles.. I can relate..  I feel like I know them..  I want to give them all big hugs..

Any more questions from the group?!

That was longer that I expected.  Again - it's the Honeymoon stage.  :)

Next Blog Post - That moment in elementary school I knew I was different.