Merry Christmas, friend!

Hey guys! I've been out of the loop for the last few days. Did I miss anything?

Just kidding.

I would just like to add my excitement and happiness about the same-sex marriage ruling in Utah. I may have lost lots of work productivity time on Friday due to my devouring of news articles and Tweets. I'm shocked that same-sex marriage is legal in Utah, but not in my state.  Spoiler:  I don't live in Utah.  :)  

And shout out to Seth Anderson for his live Tweeting of the big day. I had no control of my facial expressions, as I had a smile on my face the whole time following along.

Me and my new husband!! My polygamous Mormon great grandparents would be so proud! pic.twitter.com/82xyh9GJoS
— Seth Anderson (@jsethanderson) December 20, 2013

I'm all about keeping things short and sweet so I'll just leave it with this joyful feeling. And to those who responded to all this by only posting the Family Proc for the 4th or 5th time this year -- Seriously?! You can't come up with anything original by now?!

The other reason for this post is to wish you all a Merry Christmas. This will be my last post.................  for the year. (Scared ya, didn't I?!) The holidays can be a tough time for us Moho's.  For those of us still in the closet, we may act happy on the outside, but it's still a challenge holding on to this big secret around loved ones. (And we have to get ready for random family members and friends trying to set us up with a beautiful girl because we'd be perfect for each other.) For those out of the closet, I assume there's plenty of awkward moments as well.  ("Are you SURE this isn't just a phase?!")

But no matter your situation, just know an anonymous, left-handed gay Mormon blogger loves you.

Until next year!

Moho Confessionals: Here's what's on your mind.

This will hopefully be the last stock image I use
of two people telling a secret.  :-) 

A week ago, I had a crazy idea and requested anonymous secrets or confessions from you. Tell me what life is really like being gay and Mormon. Below are the 26 responses I got.  

A couple things before I let everything loose... 

I've mentioned this before, but we're not alone. We have similar challenges and some of the secrets are reassurance to the fact. 

The statements below are random, uncensored, and unedited.  Some are definitely PG13. Proceed with caution.  I did not omit any secrets. If you sent it - it's here.   

Several of you sent more than one secret, but to protect everyone, I've mixed them all up. If I need to make a clarification of who's sending the secret, I'll do so in parenthesis before the statement. 

I'd love to hear your reaction and thoughts in the comments.  I'd be game for a part 2 later on for those who weren't ready to share.  

Here we go.  (This ends my commentary.. The rest is user submitted.)  

• I found the underground gay mormon group at BYU-I the night before I left campus (and never came back).

• I have a crush on my best friend. We haven't been friends for all that long (we met recently through MoHo circles), but I can't see myself living without him.

• I have a hot bishop.  Like super hot.  And he's into extended handshakes.  Haven't told him I'm gay yet.  Wouldn't want things to change, right?

• When I was 11 or 12 and didn't yet realize I was different, my younger cousin and I would pretend we thought each other were teddy bears and hug and roll on the ground.  As I realized I was gay and realized the erotic undertones of what we did, giant teddy bears started making me anxious and still do.

• (Married male) I still struggle off and on with masturbation and pornography.  Should feel worse, but also feel like it's my sanity sometimes.  Like I'm justified or something.

• I had a crush on my childhood best friend.  He turned out gay too.  We never talked about it, but in retrospect I realized he came on to me pretty hard.  We almost got into something when we were in a tent (just the 2 of us).  He did grab my junk once and I immediately got aroused, but didn't pull away.  What might have been...

• (Married male) I'm afraid of getting back in shape for fear that a guy might hit on me and I'll like it.

• Home teaching is the biggest pain.  I hate going and I hate it when they come over.

• I met someone in my old stake years ago.  Dream guy.  Just moved to new neighborhood and guess who is my new neighbor?

• I love fun and sexy underwear! Wearing garments was excruciating for me and I'm so glad to not be wearing them anymore. You never know, that forgettable guy in front of you in the checkout line might be me wearing bright pink briefs.

• When I was young and would fantasize about guys, the situation would always include me somehow being forced to be involved, because I could never see myself instigating or voluntarily participating in a relationship with another guy unless I was somehow compelled (even though I was very very attracted to guys).  I think this is still true today, which is probably one reason I'm still anonymous.

• I'm totally out to my wife and committed, but I don't know that she will ever fully understand how difficult that is.  I love her still.

• I try to convince the world that I'm in a better frame of mind now, but I still look at every man I meet as a possible husband (and even several men I haven't even met in person!)

• (Female) I both want and don't want the LDS church to be true.  On the top of the cons list is: what if I wanna marry a woman someday.

• I've convinced myself that blogging will somehow lead me to the love of my life.

• I knew the day I got sealed to my wife, I was making a mistake. I'm still married, and yes, it's still a mistake.

• Im afraid of the MOHO dating scene. We are Mormons, and so we gossip.

• I was molested by my uncle when I was six and later when I was 14. I'm 43 now, but I've never told anyone about it. He recently was released from prison (unrelated) and my mom feels sorry for him and is trying to get my dad to reconnect with him. (They haven't had any contact since the first time he was sent to prison in 1986.)

• I had one straight missionary companion who ... all I can say is flirted with me. We come home at the end of the day and get naked...often. Nothing sexual ever happened but it was borderline gay behavior and I loved it. Funny is that he never struck me as gay.... still doesn't.

• Popcorn. Seriously. Major addiction. Someone save me.

• I hate when I come across feminine.  I'm masculine for the most part, and wish I could love the feminine side too.

• I had several experiences at BYU that were gay-ish. Once, I was working as the night clerk in a motel when someone called around 2 in the morning. "If I come there right now, can you open a room and I'll give you a BJ." I was so in denial at the time that I thought it was a friend playing a joke on me, "Who is this...come on.. Jack? Lane?" He hung up and called back and we had the same exchange... twice more. Then, I got it that whoever it was was serious, but he never called back

• Another BYU experience working at the motel at night.... I had just tried out for a play in the theatre dept. Old dude comes in late at night and starts chatting me up...and he discovers the theatre interests. He claims he had just had dinner with the director I had auditioned for and knows some inside scoop that might help me get the part. Would I like to go back to his room so he can tell me all about it? I had to wait until morning so I could leave the front desk. That's how naive I was. I really thought he had something to tell me. I did go to his room but left after he made his intentions clear.  I got the part...

• I wish there was a loophole that allowed a handful of gay hookups, but alas, I know it will never be. 

• Sometimes when I'm in a large group and see people whispering, I think they're trying to figure out whether I'm gay.  I get very uncomfortable when I see people whispering in any situation.

• (Married male) I want a guarantee I made the right choice and have been true to myself thus far.

Last call for your Moho secrets!

On Saturday, I asked you to share your short secrets.  And every time I see the title I wrote: "Latter Day Confessions: Tell me a secret!" I think of some sleazy magazine article. That's not my intention. I want to give the chance for those who haven't shared their story - to speak out anonymously. (And those who have already shared their story to speak out as well!)  This whole idea came together after I blogged a bunch of short statements on my mind.  

Four days later, the response has been amazing. You've bared your soul to me and I appreciate the comments you've anonymously sent. I think the secrets will be a huge eyeopener for many of us. We'll understand more the deep feelings people have being gay and Mormon. (And hopefully our Mormon friends who aren't gay can get a glimpse into our minds.)  

But I want to give you more time. Keep your secrets coming until this Saturday, Dec. 14 and I'll publish them all on Sunday the 15th.

If you're scared that you'll be the only one sharing - have no fear - I already have at least a dozen secrets - so yours will fit into the mix quite nicely.

I have no way to track you - I can't even write you back to thank you for the secret (unless you send me an email.)

Use the contact form on the right.  Put "Anonymous" in the name field, my email address in the email field (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com) and a 1-3 sentence secret or confession.  (Check out the original post for more info. including MY secret!)

You have a couple more days to think of something.  Thanks, friend!

Latter-day Confessions: Tell me a secret!

I have an idea.  More on that in a sec.

But first, I want to say thank you to all the new blog friends I've made. When I started GMS, I was looking forward to getting some things off my chest and share my story. Throughout all this, I've enjoyed the messages, both public and private. I'm never alone - you're never alone - we're all in this together.  (Sounds like a song.)

One person told me this blog has a "very easy to read writing style and above all it's honest," which I take as the utmost compliment because that was my goal - keep things simple and true.  

After my "Too long to Tweet..." post, many commented how they enjoyed the short but blunt points. So now, it's YOUR turn. Here's my idea.

Tell me a secret.  Tell me what's on your mind.  Tell me something many don't know about you. BUT ALL ANONYMOUSLY. Tell me a 2-3 sentence (or very short paragraph) gay-related confession.

Use the contact form on the right. Put "Anonymous" in the Name section, put my email address in the Email section (gaymormonsouthpaw AT gmail DOT com) and tell me something! (Or tell me 2, 3, or 4 secrets!) Again, totally anonymous. (If you're on a mobile device, email me from your fake email account.)

I'll compile them all for a future blog post, similar to my "Too long to Tweet..." entry.

Here's my example - this is what I would submit:  "On my mission, there was a missionary (not my companion) who would tickle me, wrestle, and sometimes crawl into bed with me.  I would push away and discourage it: 'Stop it, Elder!' But really, I enjoyed the attention and physical touch."

There. That was easy! Now send yours. Even if it's "My wife doesn't know I'm gay." or "I have a huge crush on my bishop." Whatever! Get it off your chest.  

Let's keep it PG-13ish and don't tell me anything that would get you arrested.

Why am I doing this?

1) For fun
2) I admire those who can sit in front of a camera or speak via podcast and share their story to the world. But some of us aren't there yet. I want this to be an opportunity for the rest of us to share something. Maybe even a stepping stone.  
3) You all like short, Tweet-like messages, so I want to take this to the next level. YOUR short messages!

Ok.  Think of something, and type it up right now!

I bet you thought you'd never read a blog with a homework assignment.  :)

The GMS Official Guide to Mormon Moving

**WARNING: NON-GAY POST AHEAD**

If you're Mormon, you've likely helped someone move. I feel it's one of the prerequisites to get into heaven. I've helped dozens of folks move. Move-ins, move-outs, same-city moves, same-apartment complex moves. Some went extremely well - almost perfect, and some, not so much.  

I helped a friend move yesterday (it went very well) and it gave me the idea to blog some tips on Mormon Moving. Most of the readers to this blog are Mormon and male, so this will be more amusement, but I have no issues with printing this list out and leaving it with those about to move.  :) This will mainly be for folks that are moving OUT and/or same-city moves. Moving IN is a whole 'nother challenge.  While this may seem like a rant, I find it extremely pertinent information.

GETTING HELP

• Start with the Home Teachers. That's what they're there for.  If they can't (or are too old) have them find help. That's what they're there for. 
• Avoid blanket requests in Priesthood and Relief Society. The person in the audience will just assume the person next to them will help.  
• I HATE when sign-up sheets are passed around in EQ, so use them as a last resort. 
• Make yourself known in the ward before asking for help. A single member I had never seen and never attended any activity expected all this help from the EQ. It kinda bugged me.  
• Use Facebook and post in church/friend groups. Ask that those who are available respond in the comments.  Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• No surprises. If you live on the 4th floor with no elevator, warn us in advance.  
• Please don't single out those with trucks. With the money you're saving on movers, go rent a moving truck.  

PREPARATION

• You better have EVERYTHING packed before help shows up. If I see empty boxes and clutter on the floor, I'm automatically in a bad mood.  
• Pack your stuff in legitimate boxes. Walmart bags aren't acceptable. 
• Send (a couple) reminder texts and emails. We forget stuff very easily - especially when it comes to service. Tell helpers you'll have food.  
• For same-city moves, do as much advance work as possible.  (If you can take over 5 boxes on your own, in your own car the day before - do it!)  The help you get on moving day should be for the large items.  
• Keep the move date and time appropriate. Don't expect much help if you move Wednesday afternoon at 4pm or Friday night at 7pm. Saturday mornings around 9 seems to be the golden hour.  

THE BIG DAY

• Buy food. Have donuts, juice and water when help arrives.  
• Don't observe. Load some boxes yourself and take an end of the couch. Break a sweat. 
• Don't delegate. We've done enough moves to know what we're doing. Leave us alone.  
• If a kid can't pick up a box, they're just in the way. Leave them at home.  
• For moving in - if a helper puts a box meant for the kitchen in the girl's bedroom - just let it be. You'll have plenty of time to put stuff in the right place.   
• Don't waste their Saturday. For many, it's our only free day. I've found that 1 1/2 to 2 hours is the perfect move time. Long enough to feel you've accomplished something but short enough to have the rest of the day open.  
• If you are donating or throwing away (decent) stuff, put it in a pile and offer it to your help. You'd be surprised how much they'll take.  
• Since you chose to use free help, no one is responsible if something breaks.  
• Buy food. If the move ends around lunchtime, get some pizzas. (But don't wait until everyone's finished before ordering. Your help will leave.)  

FUTURE

If the person that just helped you move, has to move a few weeks or months down the road - you better be the first one over to help them.

CONCLUSION

You're getting a bunch of free help - so please be kind. If I charged for all the times I helped move - I could by my nonexistent boyfriend a REALLY nice Christmas gift. Again, while this may seem like a rant, MOST of the time, I've had some fun and enjoyable experiences while helping others move. And I'll help the next person in a heartbeat (just as long as they're familiar with the above tips.)  ;-)

Good luck with any future moves.  

(If I left anything out, please add to the comments!)

Too long to Tweet... Too short for separate blog posts.

There are just some random thoughts that have entered my mind........

An acquaintance, who is quite the crush, accepted my Linkedin request in less than 5 minutes.  That's a sign, right?

I was showing my Home Teacher my cool phone, and my blog appeared on the screen after unlocking. In the past, I would have freaked out, but I stayed relatively calm.*

Before I Tweet updates to this blog, I triple check to make sure I'm not Tweeting under my real name/account.

I find it quite hypocritical when the 'active, temple recommend holding, example setting, gay Mormons looking for a wife' have profiles on the gay dating websites.

If I broke my left arm, I would not be able to function.  I am 100% Southpaw.  (And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but several gay friends are also left-handed)

I had a mission companion that suggested we hug every night before going to bed.  I thoroughly enjoyed those short but strong embraces.

While working, I met the nicest guy. Handsome, tall, great personality.  He's European and lives in D.C. - that's too far, so it probably won't work out between us.  ;)

It still surprises me how many friends try to set me up with the single ladies. I need to tattoo the message on my forehead.

I must say, facial hair has been kinda hot during Movember.    (I guess that one could have been Tweetable.)

I love this time of year - but for the first time, I really wish I had a special someone to enjoy the holidays with and buy gifts for.

This was fun. I'll have to do more of these.

*And if my Home Teacher somehow memorized the name of my blog and came here via Google search, let's keep this between you and me for now, OK?!  :)

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.

Are you pretty enough to be in the flyer?

DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to turn into a 'Woe is me...' blog so I thought I'd take a stab at some humor. (Which means I'll likely offend some people in the process.)  Deep breath.  Here goes....

I have a few friends who belong to the North Star - and other related - Facebook groups. I have also stalked these pages a time or two. Which means, I'll get sponsored ads on my feed from said groups. Recently, I've seen ads for the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Utah. Apparently, it's this weekend.  (And goes from 9am to 6pm.  Sheesh.  What a waste of a Saturday.) But one thing stood out to me. The people in the flyer (or is it flier?) are so.... pretty. Young, attractive, clean-cut, good-looking men and women. (And then there are a few old dudes tossed in just for grins.)  Here is the flyer in question:

I'm not going to assume this is the actual demographic that will attend the conference, but I will assume the following. (This is where the humor part comes in, please bear with me.)  :-)

I assume this is how the meeting between the Faith & Feelings Committee and graphic designer went:

Member of committee:  Ok, let's build a flyer for this thing so we can get tons of people to come!  

The key word is -- PRETTY! Use one of the cute girls as the spotlight, because we gotta get these single gay guys attracted to the ladies!   

Make sure everyone looks so happy (especially the wives), despite all their "struggles."   

Go ahead and put in David Mathe$on so he can $$promote$$ hi$ Center for Gender Wholene$$, and while you're at it, to$$ in a couple other therapi$t$ a$ well.    

Make sure everyone is against gay marriage. (Sorry Josh Weed, guess you didn't make the cut.)   

Don't forget Ty Mansfield, because he just screams pretty.  

Just remember: stick with the "pretty" and "happy" theme.    

Perfect teeth is vital.   

And with whatever space you have left, add the old dudes.   

Pop in Moroni and you're done!

Yep.  That's exactly how that meeting went.  :)

My attempt at being funny is just a sidetrack from a future serious post of how groups and meetings like these are damaging to gay Mormon youth and men/women.  This is NOT an assumption.  I know this thanks to all the private conversations I've had with other gay Mormons who are afraid or not ready to be that voice.  The future post is still being written in my head.

In the mean time, I kinda wish I could attend the conference just for all the eye candy.  ;)

And a special shout out to the flyer dude two to the right of (Gay) Mormon Guy:  If you ever change your mind:

  

I am an inactive active Mormon. How's that for an oxymoron?

**EDIT**  I noticed a couple other Moho's have blogged about church attendance.  I promise I'm not copying anyone -- this was already on my mind!!  :)

When the alarm goes off Sunday morning, I grunt and groan more than getting up for work.  I don't want to go to church.  Yet I do.  Nearly every Sunday.

I chat and laugh with friends but I leave church feeling empty.  I've learned nothing. My belief is nearly gone. I want to hurry home, change my clothes and watch football.  (I may be gay, but I still enjoy a good game.)

In attending church, I prefer to lay low as much as possible.  I sit in the back and slip out quickly when church is over.  I don't want any attention.  But most Mormons know the moment you try to lay low, you immediately get some big calling that causes you to do the exact opposite. And I recently got THAT calling.  A big one.  I was soooooo close to turning it down, but just didn't have the guts to do so.  Now there's more involvement, more recognition, and more meetings.

By now, you're probably wondering why I just don't leave the church and move on with my gay self.  I wish it were that easy.  The fact that I go to church with nearly zero faith has caused me to do some Internet research and hopefully find some sort of explanation.  (Kind of when I went searching for other gay Mormons on the 'net.)  Turns out, non-believing Mormons and ex-Mormons will still attend church because of 1) social reasons 2) cultural reasons and 3) family.  For me, it's a little bit of all three.  It's hard to let go.

While I wonder who in my ward may also be gay, I also question who may be attending church because their spouse makes them, or because they wouldn't know what else to do on Sunday's, or because they don't want to be THAT family discussed and analyzed in Ward Council.  In an Elders Quorum class of 50, it's always the same 5 or 6 that answer all the questions.  Are at least some feeling the same way I do about church?  They'd rather have a barbecue watching football, than sit through Sunday School.  How do you, my wonderful blog reader, feel about church right now?        

In other news... I'm happy to say my blog hit a lil milestone - 1,000 page views.  (I know that doesn't translate to anywhere near 1,000 people, but still, it puts a smile on my face.)  Thank you all for your comments - both publicly and privately.  Back in the day (a few years ago), reading blogs helped me get through some rough patches and I hope I can continue sharing things that may help the current generation.  Plus, it's nice to get stuff out in the open. Here's to the next 1,000 views and beyond!      

Wanna know how your straight friends feel about gay people? Play Macklemore.

First off, I can tell by the page views my 'Weed's Disappearing Act' post generated a lot of interest on the 'net. I've decided to be a good blogger and post any updates I come across. (And not delete my original post.)  ;-)  Right now, looks like Josh is working on a NEW post on gay marriage and should be out soon. Since we have the old version, we'll all be able to compare.  :)

EDIT/UPDATE: Here's the new post. 

Ok, now for the gay story of the day.

Recently, I went to dinner with a big group of friends from church. There were 11 of us and I had a blast. It's two of my favorite things - friends and eating.  

As typical Mormons do, many broke off afterwards. Some went home and others (including me) met at a friend's place to watch a movie. After that, more broke off and a few of us (including me) went to get ice cream. A perfect night was about to end.  (I think I may have a bit of FoMO that Gay Mormon Pioneer brought up in a recent post.)   

While we were chatting in the car, finishing our ice cream, the song "Same Love" by Macklemore came on the radio. The whole time, I was saying to myself, 'Please, friends, don't say anything. Please. Please. Please.' I knew that if anyone spoke up, it would be in a negative way. And I didn't want to change the station because I actually enjoy the song. (Plus, we were in my car, and NO ONE touches my radio!) :) The song was very close to ending, when a good friend that I enjoy being around, said, "I really hate this song." 

Crap. So close.     

I stayed quiet while another person asked, "Why?" Her reply -- It has nothing to do with gay people, but the line "I can't change, even if I wanted to." She then went on a rant that anyone can change their "weaknesses and struggles." "Change is possible, etc" "Gay people don't have to be gay forever." Ouch. And once again, I just stayed quiet and tried to change the subject. I COULD have said something, but it was late, I was upset, and just wanted to go home.    

Is this the general consensus of straight folks?  That we can change at the flip of a switch? That being gay is a weakness?  It bugs me that my Mormon friends just don't get it. And then, I have to sit there with my mouth shut while friends bash others' sexual orientation. Stuff like this pushes me back more into the closet. 

Close friends just aren't ready for my story.     

Anyone else have the awkward Same-Love-comes-on-the-radio-with-friends-in-the-car experience?   

They just HAD to bring up the gays. (And The Weed's disappearing act.)

Before General Conference started, I really hoped they'd just skip the whole "gay" topic all together. Just skim over it and focus on other things.  In fact, after Saturday's sessions, I thought we were in the clear.

Then on Sunday, we were hit with a double whammy.  Just as I thought things we're 'getting better,' when it comes to equality, Oaks and Nelson takes us a few steps back.  

100% True-Believing-Active-Gay-Mormons are all giddy and relieved because Oaks' and Nelson's talks were just confirmation that they're "doing the right thing."  (And glancing at some Tweets, I feel that some of the SSA's are already rubbing it in our faces.)

The rest of us Moho's are left confused and upset.  Not a good weekend for us gays.  (I checked the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook groups and other blogs and feel it's safe to make this assumption.)

Uchtdorf said the church has "made mistakes" and invited people like me to return to church. The very next day, Oaks says same-sex marriage laws cannot "make moral what God has declared immoral."  Nelson then said "God's marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood or misconstrued."  (So, come back to church, but stick with those celibate ways.  Fun.)  

The above venting is probably nothing new.  We all know what was said in conference.  But here's some quiet controversy that happened over the weekend.

Josh Weed, the poster-boy of Mixed Orientation Marriage, posted quite the blog on Friday.  It was in SUPPORT of gay marriage.   He said, "I believe you can be a good, obedient, temple-recommend-holding Mormon and still support the recognition of gay marriage."  Awesome post.

In the past, I've always been weary of the Weed's and the Mansfield's because their stories are constantly used to prove that it is possible for gay guys to marry women and stay active in the church.  (Even though Josh has specifically said to NOT use his story as an example for those 'struggling with SSA.'  But it still happens.)

After reading Josh's post, I was happy.  He has tons of followers due to his friendly and humorous attitude and it was a step in the right direction. I'm all for marriage equality, and now Josh Weed is too. I like that. I read the comments below the post, and they were, of course, mixed. Some were in accordance and some, sticking with The Family Proc and the scriptures, were in total disagreement.  Still though, it was cool for someone with so much recognition to make this type of stand.  

When Oaks and Nelson were done with their talks, I was curious to see if Josh would post an update or add some sort of disclaimer.  So I returned to his site.  

And the original post was GONE.  DELETED.  WIPED AWAY as if it never even happened.

Thanks to my best friend (Google), the post still exists in cached format.  For those of you who missed it, I encourage you to read it.  EDIT: The cached version only shows 4 comments, but there were around 100 before it was deleted.

Until Josh gives an explanation for deleting this remarkable post, I'm going to call it cowardly for acting like it never happened.  Did his mind magically change over the course of two days thanks to the anti-gay conference talks?  Does he not realize that once something is up on the Internet it will NEVER go away?!  Bad move.

I'm glad this weekend is over.  Now that conference has passed, my Facebook feed can go back to arguments about politics, sports, and pictures of cats.  

UPDATE: Looks like the cached version is gone as well.  If you're really curious about reading the post, contact me.  I saved a copy on my computer.

UPDATE 2: I don't know how these cached pages work, but the post is back again, this time with over 100 comments.

UPDATE 3: He's posted an update.  Not sure yet how I feel about it.  It's emotional, but feel he wrote SO much to detract from his deleted post.  

"It's a day off from church!"

This will probably surprise no one, but I really have a hard time during General Conference.  I mainly blame it on my (self-diagnosed) ADD. Sitting still and focusing for long periods of time is virtually impossible.

For example, I love watching baseball games on TV, but I have to be doing at least two other things while watching!  I feel the same way for Conference.  But in the past several years, I've put GC in the background, or just avoid watching it all together.  And things really went downhill after October 8, 2010. (My fellow Moho's should know the significance of this date - which I will write about in a future post.)    

I now constantly roll my eyes while reading some of the Conference related Facebook posts on how excited folks are.  (They're just a little over the top.)  In fact, they've already started. One friend posted that it's only one week until Conference, followed by 14 exclamation points.  Are people REALLY that excited or they just getting bonus blessing points if they express Conference feelings in a public setting?  

I remember back in the day, a lot of my friends would say twice a year, "Yes! We get a day off from church!" I'm sure there are people that still have that attitude, but they'd never post THAT on Facebook!

I also remember a church leader (probably a Stake President) who said that if we were to watch conference at home on the Internet or on TV, to put on our church clothes.  Stuff like that makes me mad because what I do in my home is my business and no one else's.  (I know, I'm such a rebel.)

After my mission, I got really good seats in the Conference Center for the Saturday PM session.... And I fell asleep.  I tried to stay awake.. So hard!  But this was before Smartphones and Twitter, so all I had was an extremely comfortable chair and soothing voices.

So while my overly enthusiastic Facebook friend with 14 exclamation points can't wait for Conference, I just chalk it up as another weekend.  Maybe I'll have it on in the background, while blogging, cleaning and doing laundry at the same time.

Tale of Two Videos

Am I horrible person that I get more emotional, more goosebumps, and (dare I say) more feeling of the spirit with this wedding proposal/flash mob in Utah...

Than when I watch this active, gay Mormon share his story and struggles?

I try to feel something when I watch Video #2 (and all the others), but I got nothing.  Being gay and Mormon, I SHOULD feel something, right?!  Probably because ten years ago, I was the guy in Video #2. So focused on church and the Lord.  Big desires to marry a woman. Anything associated with "gay" was a "struggle."  But a lot has changed in ten years.  My faith in the church has dwindled, I refuse to marry a woman, and I'm happy.  Fortunately, I didn't record my story a decade ago and have it forever set in stone on the internet.  I often wonder if any of these single guys or married couples regret sharing their 'voice' to the world. If not now, give them a few years.    

Oh and BTW, the engaged couple appeared on Ellen, and when the one guys puts his hand on the other guy's leg... I just melt.

I got asked out by a guy via email...

After my post on friends, I'm about to drop a bombshell!

As 'far out' as this may seem, the following story really did happen.  Promise!  To protect those involved, I will slightly change some of the details.

Here goes.

I'm out in public a lot with my job.  I meet people through community meetings, public events, etc.  In other words, I don't sit at a desk all day.  (This is one of the reasons I'm so closeted.)

For being so 'out and about.'  It's easy for anyone to contact me.  One could easily get my (real!) email, Twitter, Facebook, etc.  Plus my (real!) name is unique enough, a quick Google search will give you any and all contact info.

One day, I get an email from a guy.  This person had seen me 'out and about' and wanted to get to know me better.  He complimented my looks and personality.  He gave enough details describing myself that everything seemed legit.  He nonchalantly asked if I was gay, and if so, he wanted to "buy me a drink or dinner."

After the first skim-through of the email, I was quite excited.  A guy interested in me?!  This just made my day.. my week..  heck, my year!  A guy asking me out on a date?!  This would be the first, and it felt so nice.

I then read the email a second time, this time more thoroughly.  And it was just too... perfect.  The phrase "if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is" was going through my head.  The excitement quickly went away and I became upset.  I did a search of the email and name on Facebook and Google and got nothing.  Yep.  I was had.

But why?  Who sent me the email?  Was someone trying to out me?  Again, the email was directed to me, thanks to all the details provided within.  (This ain't no Nigerian email scam.)

I wasn't going to let this go.  So I did more research.   I learned awhile back you can take the IP address from the email and (sometimes!) get the sender's location.  I gave that a try.  If the person was local, I could respond, but avoid answering the gay question, for now.  I knew I was being had, so why not turn this into a game?!  

I took the IP address from his email, plugged it in, hit search... And my mouth dropped.

Not only did I get the sender's location, I also was given the employer of said sender.  It basically put a bullseye on him.

(I know these IP searches don't always work, but I am 95% convinced.)

I knew him.   He's a good friend who now lives in another state....  A married friend.....  LDS.....  With a family.

Why?  Why did this friend pretend to be a gay guy and fake ask me out?  Or is my friend really gay and is actually interested?  Or was it a plea for help?  If he is gay, why did he get married 'for time and eternity' to a woman then ask out people like me?  

I never wrote back.  Not his fake identity or his real identity.  If he were single, I'd contact him.  But I can't mess with someone who's married with kids.  If she somehow found out, I could possibly ruin a marriage.

I'm telling this because these are the types of stories that never get told.   I'm telling this because it's been on my mind ever since it's happened, and I've told no one.  It's starting to mess with my head, and I had to get it out in the open.  (Would YOU confront a married guy who was attempting to hide under an alias?  Am I being too overprotective of his wife and kids while he gets away with it?)   I'm tired of reading about all the happy Mormon married stories on the 'net, all while a husband is going behind his wife's back and contacting other guys.  

I do have a message to my friend, if you ever read this:  Contact me by my real email or Facebook.  To answer your question, yes, I'm gay.  Let's talk about it.  I still want to know 'why?'  Why did you make up a fake identity then contact me?  Everyone thinks you have the perfect life and job with a wonderful family.

Why?      

Hi, friend!

Warning.  There is nothing gay about this post.  (I'm allowed to do this, right?!)

I have a friend and whenever we greet each other, she always adds the word 'friend' at the end.

"Hello, friend."

"How are you, friend?"

"Good to see you, friend."

She may not even realize that she does it, but it means the world to me.  I don't need any type of confirmation that we're friends, but I love the fact that she still says it to this day.

I've relied on friends when family wasn't readily available.  I moved to a pretty foreign place after graduating college and fortunately, I made friends that became like family.  When I wasn't able to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my [real] family, these friends were right there to be the perfect substitute.  I don't know where I'd be without them.

Now that I have a friend who calls me 'friend,' it's made me realize how fortunate I am to have wonderful friends in my life.   (Let's see how many times I can cram the word 'friend' into one sentence!!)

I'm now trying to share the wealth and telling my friends how important they are in my life.  And you can give it a shot as well.  Next time you greet someone close to you, add the word 'friend' at the end.  See if their face lights up, or if they smile, or possibly even get caught off guard (in a good way.)  Or if you really want to be daring, you could sing 'The Golden Girls' theme song.  THAT I'd love to see.

Have a good week, friend.  

Awkward combination of topics in this post: The Pope, North Star and Affirmation

The Pope seems like a pretty cool guy.  Yesterday, he said the church is too "obsessed" with gays (and other stuff) that actually deters from its mission to be a "home for all."

Cool.

Yes, Pope Francis still believes homosexual relationships are sinful, yadda, yadda, yadda.  But his words yesterday were kinda refreshing.

Sometimes I wish some LDS members would feel the same way.  The church should focus on being a "home for all."  This all came together in my mind after reading the news stories on the Pope and a NASTY discussion in the North Star Google Group about Affirmation.

Last weekend, Affirmation held their annual conference.  It made big news because ex-NFL QB Steve Young and his wife Barb were the featured speakers.  I did not attend, but read some positive articles online.  I sense it provided some hope for the Moho's and it seems those that left the conference had some nice warm fuzzies.

Someone in the North Star group mentioned the Affirmation Conference and it went downhill from there.  I wish the Original Poster knew that North Star and Affirmation are like oil and water.  (You'd think all gay Mormons would get along.)   The preceding comments were horrible.  One North Star member even said Barb Young is "extremely ignorant of sound fundamental principles."  Ouch.  Someone tried to calm the crowd saying Affirmation provides plenty of good, prevents suicide, provides love for everyone.  But that didn't help.  Hurtful and hateful remarks were thrown at the person trying to back Affirmation.

I'll never understand how people who "live in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the doctrines and values of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" can be so hateful and un-Christlike.

Sadly the discussion on Affirmation is similar to many of the posts on North Star.  Some people need to take the Pope's advice and remember that church is "a home for all."

I have plenty of beef with North Star.  I hate myself for even finding the group.  I plan on writing more on my thoughts and feelings of them.  And since this is MY blog, it's more appropriate to do it here, than try to share my opinion on similar discussion groups.

Ok.  That rant's over.  TGIF everyone.  Have a good weekend.  (Except for that person who reads this post 3 months from now on a Monday and is all WTF?!)

 

I'm not very good at this whole gay thing

Hopefully by now, you've picked up that I would be up to dating guys.  I feel my laid-back 'whatever' approach in my writing shows that.

When I finally got over the denial and accepted my sexuality, I made myself two promises:

1) I refuse to stay celibate.
2) I refuse to marry a woman.

Both those go against what I've learned in the church which is why I shared my struggles in my Q&A.

Here's the deal - I have yet to go out on an 'official' date with a guy.  To be honest, the idea of it kinda freaks me out.  (How do I act?  What if someone I know [from church] sees me?  Who pays?)

I've chatted face-to-face with other gay guys (all who happen to be Mormon) and it's mainly been a lot of talking.  Sharing stories and secrets with each other, venting, etc.  No real 'dates.'  And I wasn't ready for dating in my meetings with these guys.

But lately, I've been itchin' to try out the whole gay dating scene.  I prefer to find someone with an LDS background or basically the same values, but unfortunately, I've yet to find someone in this category where I live.

So let's say I do find someone, I'm still freaked out by the date itself.  And I was reminded by this just a couple days ago.

Quick story.   My car was in the shop and had to be kept overnight.  The dealership was out of loaner cars, so I went with Enterprise Rent-a-Car  ("We'll pick you up!")  I was picked up from the dealership (to take me back to Enterprise) by a very tall, attractive girl.  We chatted the whole ride.  We laughed.  We shared life stories.  We had a good time.  We were basically BFF's by the time the ride was over.  Next day.  I am taken back to the dealership by a tall, attractive guy.  Nothing.  Crickets.  We barely said a word except for his forced question of, "So... How was the car?"  The longest ride ever.  It was discouraging.  I'm all ready and excited for the new adventure of dating a guy, and I can barely even talk to this one.  (I feel the Enterprise dude was straight, but that almost seems irrelevant.)  Or should it be relevant?  So confused.

I KNOW I can talk to guys.  Heck, the first gay Mormon I ever met in person, we chatted for 8 hours straight.  But I feel my little rent-a-car experience was a setback.  I WANT to talk to guys.  I just need more practice.

You know what happens when you assume...

I've always wondered how many people I know personally are gay.

Many years ago, when I realized I wasn't alone, it became a relief to find other gay Mormons online and chat, share stories, and in some instances, meet in person.

But what about the everyday people I see at church?  My social group?  People at the church activities?  There's gotta be a few more Moho's in the crowd, right?!  But they're too afraid, like me, to come out to the world.  Gaydar always seems to go off in Sacrament meeting.  (and yes, even with the married dudes.)    

I've made a few assumptions here and there among friends and acquaintances.  Disclosure: I'm slightly too old to be a YSA, so I'm always surrounded by Single Adults.  This means the assumptions automatically go up.  I've wondered why some friends aren't married yet and my mind shifts to - 'could they be gay?'  In some cases, though, I find out they're divorced.  (But still, that doesn't mean anything in today's world!)  Some folks in the Single Adult crowd have assumed that I'm divorced.  (So basically, there's a whole lotta assuming going on.)  

Sometimes, I wish us Mohos could have these invisible markers that only other gay Mormons could see.  Yellow dot on the forehead, red x on the hand, rainbow mark on the back of the neck.  Just something that shows, "yes, I'm gay too, let's talk about it."  It probably would have made growing up Mormon a whole lot easier.

But it all goes back to being too afraid to say anything.  I may assume someone is gay, but there's no way I would question them or even hint.  A few people from my mission have since come out of the closet and announced their newly formed relationships or engagements on Facebook.  (And surprisingly, the ratio is much higher for the sister missionaries.)  I'll "Like" the status but just can't come to terms to confessing that I'm gay as well.  (I have told one person from my mission.  He is one of the 'fewer than 10.'  He approached me first, we chatted, and I ended up coming out to him.)  It was a relief, but a little exhausting at the same time.  

So for now, the assumptions will continue.  And I'll keep looking for those dots, X's, or rainbows.  :)  


 

Being gay? Ain't nobody got time for that!

As I mentioned earlier, less than 10 people know about my sexuality.  (Well, I have actually told less than 10 people.)  The main reaction is usually, "Why?!"  They wonder how I've kept this secret for so long without going crazy.  A few reasons I've thought of...

A lot of it had to do with denial.  'Me? Gay? Never!'  (maybe just a little bi.)  I felt if I stayed a good Mormon boy, everything would take care of itself, I'd fall in love with a beautiful woman, have lots of babies, and we live happily ever after.  I forced myself to date and like girls.  I refused to label myself as gay.

Another way I never went crazy was I stayed busy.  Always busy.  During high school, I stayed active (not so much on the sports side, but more the academic side) and I had a part-time job in the evening.  The more time I was doing stuff, the less I had to worry or even think about my sexuality.  The busy-body mentality continued through college with my two part-time jobs and classes.  'Drowning my sorrows for being gay: Ain't nobody got time for that!'  (Sorry, I just had to squeeze in that famous phrase somewhere!)  It was after college when I really got my career started, that I felt tired.  The denial was slipping away, I actually had MORE free time during that first 'real' job.  I accepted (finally) that I was gay and I made a choice on how to live my life.  And life is good.

Last reason for not going crazy.  I stayed happy.  I think this was the key.  I didn't let the denial or exhaustion ruin my mood.  

I'm sorry if these paragraphs sound like all the other gay Mormons' lives and I'm totally boring you.  I feel I need to throw out a little background before I talk about my present day thoughts and feelings.

Ok...  Changing the subject.  (I probably should just end the post now and do this another day, but it's been on my mind.)

A habit of mine (and I'm sure other people do this) is when I see a blog post, I'll scroll down to see how many comments there are, and that determines just how 'juicy' the post really is.  Well, I hope to get a comment or two with this little thought I had today.  (Not for the comment count, because I really am curious to read your opinion!)

When were you taught that being gay was bad?    (Let me clarify, that I 100% no longer believe this.  I accept and love who I am and think the whole gay thing is a blessing, albeit all the challenges.)   Gay is good.

I extend the question because I can't answer it!  And now I feel like a jerk.  :)  When did the negative connotations of homosexuality reach my brain?  Was it in elementary school?  Did it come from all the priesthood interviews or church talks?  Did it come from friends who talked bad about gay people?  Was it the media?  Or is it all of the above?!  While I can explain the denial and the busyness, I can't explain when or how being gay got such a bad rap.  I know there are few readers here (one more post and I'll add myself to the Moho Directory) but I hope I can learn a few things from your responses.

(I use parentheses way too much.)

That one time I called Jonathan Knight cute... or was it Jordan?

I can't remember what I had for dinner last night, yet this story is still quite vivid in my mind.  I don't think I'll ever forget it.  It happened during elementary school.  New Kids on the Block was THE band.  The One Direction of the late 80s.  "The Right Stuff" is now going through my head.  It was also the time for jean jackets.  A cool thing for the girls was to have bright, colorful pins on the jacket.  You were just the bomb diggity if you had these pins attached to your clothing.

I remember one girl came to school with a new set of pins - one for each member of New Kids.  During recess, all the girls were ogling over each member of the band commenting on their hotness.  Well, I wanted to play this game!  I joined in, pointed at Jonathan (or Jordan) Knight and said, "He's cute."  Oops.  Big mistake.

It was the first time I had heard the word "gay."  Why am I being called "gay?"  Was does this "gay" mean?   It wasn't the best feeling in the world, so I knew I did something wrong.  So I kept it quiet.  For years.  Along the way, I'll learn (probably in church) that being gay IS wrong.  So I kept it quiet.  For years.  Never told a single soul.

It's funny (and ironic?) I still remember this story so many years later.  It was the moment I knew I was different - and I had a long road ahead of me.  And it all started with Jonathan freakin' Knight.. or Jordan.  (I'd like to THINK it was Jonathan, since he's the gay one, and my gaydar was in full swing at such a young age.)  :)  

While the road of life was long, it wasn't horrible.  I wasn't bullied (except for a few rough patches in Junior High, but who wasn't made fun of in the 7th grade?!) And I've never thought about suicide.  Life, for the most part, has been good and I'm extremely blessed.  However, I now read about others' experiences of being bullied and suicidal thoughts, and my heart breaks.  I really wish I could reach out in anyway possible and help those going through difficult times.  Please contact me if you need to.

Sheesh.  I was hoping this blog could be a nice, organized timeline, but I jumped from elementary school to the present in just a few paragraphs.  Maybe by the 4th or 5th blog post I'll have this all figured out.

Who is GMS?

I think I'm definitely in the Honeymoon stage of blogging. I have so much in my mind, I want to get it all out there and blog, blog, blog.  I'm sure in a couple weeks, it'll all die down.  But I'll do my best to keep a good rhythm.

Ok.  Q&A time.  As I've mentioned in blog numero uno, I enjoy reading the stories and experiences of other gay Mormons.  But I appreciate it even more when I feel like I know the person.  So here are some typical ice breaker facts to pass along.

If I end an answer with "FBP," look for a Future Blog Post on that particular topic.  (So in essence, I'm preparing my own Table of Contents with this Q&A)

Were you 'born this way'?
Yep.

When did you first realize you were gay?
In elementary school when I was called gay after calling another guy cute.  FBP

What was junior high and high school like?
Junior High was that typical awkward stage, but I loved high school.  Had a good balance of friends, church, family and work.

Did you serve a mission?
Yep.

How was life post-mission?  
Good.  Still kept that good balance of friends and school.

What about the gay thing?
I was still in denial even through college.  I didn't want to call myself gay and still had hopes I would wake up straight one day.   FBP

When did you finally accept yourself as gay?
Not until my first job outside of college.  I got tired of the denial and knew I wasn't going to change.  I actually became a happier person because of it.  FBP

How many people who know you face to face know you're gay?
I hate to say it - but very few.  Less than 10.   FBP

Were you good at hiding it?  
I actually think I was.  I dated a lot of girls and felt I fooled a lot of people.  As I get older though, I'm sure there are plenty of suspicions.  If I came out today, I'm sure most won't be surprised.  FBP

Any family know?
Nope.  (I haven't admitted it. Again, I'm sure there are suspicions.)

You've accepted yourself as gay.  You're also Mormon.  How are the two together? 
It sucks.   FBP

What's your biggest qualm of being gay and Mormon?
I hate how divided all the gay Mormons are.  (The North Star/Evergreen crowd vs. The Affirmation/Mormons Building Bridges crowd)   FBP

Are you active in the church?
I go, but not sure why.  It's become a lot more difficult in the past couple months.  I go mainly for social/cultural reasons.

What advice do you have for other gay Mormons?
Never marry a woman.   FBP

Ever dated a guy?
Nope.

Guy crush?
Top 2 - Josh Duhamel & Jenson Ackles

You love your Mormon bloggers.  Who are your favorites?  
I love 'em all.  (Well, almost all) But a few that I enjoy -- Gay Mormon Pioneer, Broken Lights, In Search of Acceptance, and then the compilation of bloggers at No More Strangers

Any reason?
Their writing styles.. I can relate..  I feel like I know them..  I want to give them all big hugs..

Any more questions from the group?!

That was longer that I expected.  Again - it's the Honeymoon stage.  :)

Next Blog Post - That moment in elementary school I knew I was different.

Choose the Left

I know what you're thinking.  'Not another Gay Mormon blog.'

I'm probably thinking the same thing.  Why am I doing this?  Good question.

To be perfectly honest, blogs like these have really helped me out over the years.  I feel like it's my turn to share knowledge to the next generation of Gay Mormons.

I look forward to sharing my story, my experiences, and life in general.  I was lost when it came to reconciling my faith and sexuality, but since then I've developed quite the opinion.

As you probably figured out by the title, not only am I gay, but also left-handed.  (Which means I'll be double cursed to hell.)  Kidding.

I look forward to communicating and discussing things with you - the reader.  I've made it easy.  Email is gaymormonsouthpaw@gmail.com and Twitter is @GayLDSSouthpaw.  (So much for consistency; my blog title is "Too Long" for Twitter.)   If you're reading this, you're most likely gay and Mormon so I know what you're going through.  I'm here for you anytime.

And so it begins.  'Another' Gay Mormon blog.  Happy to be here.

NEXT BLOG:  GMS Q&A  (I'll write and answer my own questions; feel free to submit any if you'd like)