Ouch. Right in the feels.

I don't know the history behind this. But a recent pic on PostSecret brought back a range of emotions.

I hope the person that mailed in this postcard soon realizes he can be happy and normal AND gay all at the same time.

This may be a good time to those holding on to the secret like the one above to reach out. I'm here (contact form on the right) and there are a multitude of gay Mormon bloggers here to chat it all out. Please don't be afraid to ask for help/guidance/support.

I need a break.

I need a break.

I need a break from church in general.

I need a break from LDS friends who make snide comments about homosexuals; who find the thought of two men falling in love as "disgusting."

I need a break from trying so hard to be loved by members of the church, when I get more compassion and empathy from people who are no longer Mormon.

I need a break from family members who 'still' ask me when I'm going to get married.

I need a break from worrying so much about the wellbeing of Single Adults in my stake. Some are just plain crazy and need professional help; not just a priesthood blessing.

I need a break from church leaders who give the evil eye when I decide to stay at church for just one of the three hours.

I need a break from following (and obsessing over) the lives of a certain group of gay Mormons. Especially the ones who I apparently make "look bad...."

... and the ones who put gay folks into the same category as Hitler.

I. Need. A. Break.

.......and I need a break from writing about so much negative stuff. :) So, here's a pic of Chris Pratt. Ain't he pretty?

If this Reddit post from BYU-Idaho is true, then I'm sad

I admit it. I'm a Reddit addict. If there's ever a slow moment at work, I can glance at the front page of Reddit and get a kick out of a cute puppy, funny gif, or random news story.

I feel 'cool' knowing the Reddit lingo such as "TIL" ("Today I Learned...") and "TL;DR" ("Too long; didn't read") and "AMA" ("Ask Me Anything.")  

But a recent posting to the LDS subreddit has me a little worried. Here's the full post. It's written by a student at BYU-Idaho. I've copied and pasted the poster's TL;DR (summary) below:

"I am a member with SSA who meets with a group of other men who have SSA as well, support group. We do not teach anything contrary to the Gospel -- the purpose of the group is to strengthen our commitment to living Gospel standards. The group has been around for a couple of years but with the new stake president and area seventy, we have been told to stop our group, not allowed to meet in any church building in the stake anymore, and effectively told us to "Seek counsel from ecclesiastical leaders, not support groups". But it's hard because most of us have a hard time relating to straight priesthood leaders about our SSA."

If this is all true - then I'm angry. I can't believe the leaders are basically shutting down the gay support group. If you read the post, the student says the sudden uptick with women and the priesthood and gay marriage are the main causes for the shutdown. I feel sorry for the student who made the post and for the rest of the group. They're young, confused and just need some help. It bugs me that they're being told to "seek counsel from ecclesiastical leaders."  Yep, a gay 18-year-old male should talk to his 40-year-old straight & married bishop for guidance. He'll have ALL the answers. (sarcasm)

Now, personally, I'm not the biggest fan of support groups, and I've made that very clear. But as I mentioned above, these kids are young. (I was older when I went looking for help.) This may be the first time they've opened up about their sexuality, and they need that camaraderie with those who share similar experiences. This support group is that first step before they all start to plan out their future. If you checked in with the group's members 10 years from now, I'm sure half are sticking with the celibacy/mixed-orientation marriage route and the other half found a cute boyfriend/partner after graduating. But no matter what they do 10 years from now, they NEED to talk about it NOW. Discuss sexuality and life, all in a SAFE place. And a bunch of church leaders want to take all this away. I don't get it.  

In reading the comments in the Reddit post, other folks have given advice on what to do. I hope something can be done to change the leaders' minds. There are times when I think the church is moving forward when it comes to gay members, but stuff like this just puts us two steps back.    

Is Tom Christofferson a game changer?

UPDATE on 8-6-15 -- Since this is, by far, the most read post on my blog, I feel the need to add this -- I've heard through the grapevine that Tom is no longer with his partner and is currently working on rebaptism to the church. This blog post he wrote doesn't directly confirm this, but gives details here and there. When asked on the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook page if Tom is still with his partner, Kendall Wilcox of Far Between said: "Tom has not shared all the details of how his relationship with his partner has evolved so respect and circumspection in speculating about the nature of the "break-up" is best advised." 

ORIGINAL POST  ---

I'm surprised this hasn't been discussed more on the blogosphere. Either I'm thinking too much about the topic or the Moho Blogging Scene is slowly dying. (I really hope it's not the later.)

First, this is nothing new: gay Mormons who 100% want to stick with the gospel and its doctrine have two choices.

1. Remain single.
2. Marry someone of the opposite sex.

I refuse to follow those two, so I'm obviously not 100% in accordance. But many gay Mormons/SSA'ers are.

What I'm trying to get to - I was surprised (in a good way) that Elder D. Todd Christofferson's brother, Tom, was invited to speak at the recent North Star conference.  Y'all already know how I feel about North Star, so need to elaborate on the organization.

Tom has quite a story and currently lives with his partner Clarke in Connecticut. For more backstory, here's a talk he gave earlier this year in Arizona.  But wait, North Star folks are 100% in accordance with the church doctrine and Tom doesn't comply with the above two choices.

Does Tom's story bring on a third possibility?

3. Be in a same-sex relationship but still be active in the church.

I'm seriously curious because I haven't seen much response and reaction post-conference. All the media attention happened before the conference, and most of the spotlight was put on Tom (who wasn't even a main speaker.)

I've met, both in-person and in online forums, those who in no way would seek out a same-sex relationship, but does Tom's story change things?  Does it give more hope?

Could it be that North Star is softening their stance?  (The conspiracy theorist in me thinks North Star is losing members so they are exploring all options, rather than being so strict in accepting only those who follow the first two qualifications.)  I started to think they were softening their stance, but then they put out stupid stuff like this, and I change my mind. 

Whatever the reason to bring in Tom, I think it's a step in the right direction. It removes some of the guilt and shame some gay Mormons carry.  It shows we don't HAVE to be lonely.  It's nice to know that there are more than two options, and possibly be accepted by friends and family if remaining single or marrying someone of the opposite sex is not your forte.

Next thing we know, Ty Mansfield will speak out FOR gay marriage!  (Ok, ok, I guess we shouldn't go THAT far.)

How the game show "Double Dare" became one of the first signs I was gay.

I've decided there are plenty of Kate Kelly/ John Dehlin/ excommunication posts on the Internet right now, so I choose to refrain to make any extra comments.  :-)  Plus this blog post topic came to me before all this stuff went down.

It's funny what triggers memories from your childhood. The other day I noticed a link to a YouTube vid that features a compilation of Double Dare prizes. 10 and a half minutes of Double Dare prizes.




Go ahead and watch.  I'll wait.

Now,  I LOVED Double Dare/Family Double Dare as a kid so I was excited to check out this video and have a nice (long) dose of the good 'ole days. I'm aging myself, but the shows were on the air from 1986-1993, which puts me in elementary school during its original run.  (And I know for a fact that some of my readers weren't even born yet!)

Ok, I'm rambling. As I was watching this video at work, the 0:17 mark brought on a rush of memories and emotions.  Whoa.  The guy. The male model. The prize presenter. I don't know exactly what to call him, but I know as a kid, I was fascinated by this guy.  Those stonewashed jeans. That hair. Those rolled up sleeves.  He wasn't the ONLY reason I watched the show, but he was definitely the icing on the cake.  Fast forward to today, I realize I had a massive crush on this guy from Double Dare who was only seen for seconds at a time. Even at only 8 years old, there were signs that I was gay. (I just didn't realize it back then.)

I kept watching the video, and the more I watched, the more I realized I was enamored with this guy.  I mean, look at the way he shows off the video camera at 3:25 and that stance next to the bike at 10:44. These clips are from over 20 years ago, but I vividly remember these prizes he showed off.

Double Dare guy was the first of many guy crushes.  :)  If only life were still simple when I was an 8-year-old.

BTW, I have NO idea the name of this guy. Can anyone help?   (Google didn't provide much luck.) I do know the girl's name was Robin.  I wonder what the mystery guy looks like today.

I'm sure he won't be the same without the stonewashed jeans.

  

Dreams can come true?

A couple months ago, I stopped taking a vitamin supplement because it gave me the weirdest dreams. Nothing too scandalous but the issue was how vivid they were. I remember extremely minor details the next morning.  It freaked me out.

Recently, I've been having another round of memorable dreams without being on the supplement. This round involves guy friends. Again, nothing too scandalous but still quite vivid. The dreams include random guy friends from past and present, gay and straight. (And sometimes a stubbly Joel McHale will randomly show up.) My dreams consist of hanging out, flirting, some turn into a semi-romantic relationship, I'm almost always happy. Many people would jump on a dream interpretation site for clues and how to relate to real life. But I think I've interpreted the dreams myself without any guidance. I feel I'm so lonely being a closeted gay man that I have to build these fantasies in my mind. I've struck out when it comes to relationships (note: haven't really tried) that the dreams fulfil that want/need for attention and affection.  

The key word in the above paragraph is "closeted." Over the years, I've reached out to many other gay Mormons, and many gay Mormons have reached out to me. Those that are 'out,' always ask me the same question: "Why are you still in the closet?" And most don't beat around the bush, they ask the question quite bluntly. I usually throw out a few excuses as a response and change the subject. All while those still in the closet seem to "get" me. The loneliness is directly correlated to me being so closeted. There are days that I'm totally ready to be out and proud, then someone close to me makes a homophobic remark, and I get pushed right back in.  

I've pulled off the closet pretty well that sometimes, I wish I could get caught!!! On the couple 'dates' I've gone on with guys, I halfway wished I would see a friend or family member causing some 'splaining to do. But nope, just the other day the wife of the second counselor in the Bishopric tried to set me up with her sister.  Argh.  (The most recent 'nearly caught' was when I showed my Home Teacher my new phone and my blog popped up. Nothing earth shattering.) In fact, I'm so close to just typing my real name right here --------. I have a unique enough name I'd be easy to find.  But not yet.    

While I absoultely love my gay Mormon penpals and wouldn't give them up for anything, the distance between us is a depressing truth. (Quick reminder: I don't live in Utah, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona or California.) I could chat and email for hours til my fingers fall off, but at the end of the day, I still feel so lonely. And I continue to seek out this dream of being in a relationship; to be loved.  

In light of all this - I've tried something new as I hope to eventually leave the closet behind and squash the loneliness. I've reached out to someone in my city who used to be LDS. I 'found' him after reading a blog post of his that had to do with gays and Mormons, discovered he lived close and sent him an email - we've emailed back and forth a couple times. I like that he's an ex-Mormon with little ill will towards the church. (I think.) I mainly wanted to know where I could start finding gay friends who have similar backgrounds.  If I can't find other gay Mormons in my town, let's broaden the search a bit.

We'll see where that goes.

"But, I have friends that are gay," and other things that make my skin crawl.

Well, hello there. It's been awhile. Sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a bit. I've been busy with other stuff (good, positive stuff) and put the whole blogging thing on the backburner.

This is my first post since the little North Star rant. (Holy cow, has it really been more than 3 months?!) And I want to first thank those who contacted me privately and left comments. I had never felt so nervous to publish a post, but when the comments started rolling in, I felt a sense of peace.  (BTW, anyone going to the conference?!?!)

Speaking of rants and since it's been so long since I've blogged, I have a few things all bottled up. So this post is all about stuff that bugs me. (I mean, isn't that why we all blog - to bitch and moan?!) Some local TV stations have a "What's bugging you?" segment and I thought I'd answer that question.

As a gay Mormon who's also a proponent of equal rights, I'm easily bugged.  All I need is a quick glance at the comments on my Facebook feed from the extremely conservative/anti-gay so-called friends and that's when I catch myself doing an eye roll.  (The reason for the abundance of Mitch from Modern Family.)

In keeping with my love of lists - here's what's bugging me:

• When gay people discriminate against other gay people. To this day, I still don't get it. 
• When people use the line, "I have gay friends." *Cue the eye roll again.* The line is used as a buffer before laying on, "love the sinner, hate the sin" mentality.  I see this line, but interpret as "You're still going to hell anyways."  
• When people try to take a stance by simply posting the Family Proclamation. It always seems to conveniently pop up whenever the gays are in the news.  
• When people say "the gospel will never change." Yet, blacks, polygamy, etc.  
• When those "struggling with SSA" pull the justification card.  

Let me get out of list mode for a sec as I explain the justification.  I've noticed that many SSA'ers will use this as a coping mechanism to help them overcome their attraction to the same sex.  In other words, they'll justify what they're doing as a method of improving their lives. (when in turn, it makes no sense to me.)  Here are some real justification examples I've witnessed among the North Star "support" groups.  (I ain't making this stuff up!)  OK, back to list mode.

• It's OK for me to cuddle with another guy because the more I do it, the less sexual it becomes and the more it turns into "healthy touch."
• It's OK for me to skinny dip with other guys because it helps me forget about my attractions to men.
• It's OK for me to sleep in the same bed with another guy because it improves male bonding.  
• It's OK for me as an older gay guy to spend time with younger gay guys because I'm happily married to a woman - and what I'm doing is completely harmless.   
• It's OK for me to be celibate in this life because everything will work out in the afterlife.  
• It's OK for me to be a scout leader because I am simply "struggling with SSA" and married to a woman. 

The last point is actually the main reason for this post. It bugs me to no end that the Boy Scouts pulled a church's charter because there's an openly gay scoutmaster, yet there are many men in the LDS Church with "SSA" who can still serve with scouts and in other callings.  It's not fair to the openly gay folks.  Whether you're SSA or openly gay, you're still attracted to men. I personally think the Scouts should change their policy and allow openly gay leaders, but again, it goes back to the fact that those with SSA can get away with it. And that doesn't make me happy.  

So that's what's bugging me.  What's bugging you?!  

Phew. It's good to be back and vent! I should do this more often.