Too long to Tweet... Too short for separate blog posts.

There are just some random thoughts that have entered my mind........

An acquaintance, who is quite the crush, accepted my Linkedin request in less than 5 minutes.  That's a sign, right?

I was showing my Home Teacher my cool phone, and my blog appeared on the screen after unlocking. In the past, I would have freaked out, but I stayed relatively calm.*

Before I Tweet updates to this blog, I triple check to make sure I'm not Tweeting under my real name/account.

I find it quite hypocritical when the 'active, temple recommend holding, example setting, gay Mormons looking for a wife' have profiles on the gay dating websites.

If I broke my left arm, I would not be able to function.  I am 100% Southpaw.  (And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but several gay friends are also left-handed)

I had a mission companion that suggested we hug every night before going to bed.  I thoroughly enjoyed those short but strong embraces.

While working, I met the nicest guy. Handsome, tall, great personality.  He's European and lives in D.C. - that's too far, so it probably won't work out between us.  ;)

It still surprises me how many friends try to set me up with the single ladies. I need to tattoo the message on my forehead.

I must say, facial hair has been kinda hot during Movember.    (I guess that one could have been Tweetable.)

I love this time of year - but for the first time, I really wish I had a special someone to enjoy the holidays with and buy gifts for.

This was fun. I'll have to do more of these.

*And if my Home Teacher somehow memorized the name of my blog and came here via Google search, let's keep this between you and me for now, OK?!  :)

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.

Are you pretty enough to be in the flyer?

DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to turn into a 'Woe is me...' blog so I thought I'd take a stab at some humor. (Which means I'll likely offend some people in the process.)  Deep breath.  Here goes....

I have a few friends who belong to the North Star - and other related - Facebook groups. I have also stalked these pages a time or two. Which means, I'll get sponsored ads on my feed from said groups. Recently, I've seen ads for the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Utah. Apparently, it's this weekend.  (And goes from 9am to 6pm.  Sheesh.  What a waste of a Saturday.) But one thing stood out to me. The people in the flyer (or is it flier?) are so.... pretty. Young, attractive, clean-cut, good-looking men and women. (And then there are a few old dudes tossed in just for grins.)  Here is the flyer in question:

I'm not going to assume this is the actual demographic that will attend the conference, but I will assume the following. (This is where the humor part comes in, please bear with me.)  :-)

I assume this is how the meeting between the Faith & Feelings Committee and graphic designer went:

Member of committee:  Ok, let's build a flyer for this thing so we can get tons of people to come!  

The key word is -- PRETTY! Use one of the cute girls as the spotlight, because we gotta get these single gay guys attracted to the ladies!   

Make sure everyone looks so happy (especially the wives), despite all their "struggles."   

Go ahead and put in David Mathe$on so he can $$promote$$ hi$ Center for Gender Wholene$$, and while you're at it, to$$ in a couple other therapi$t$ a$ well.    

Make sure everyone is against gay marriage. (Sorry Josh Weed, guess you didn't make the cut.)   

Don't forget Ty Mansfield, because he just screams pretty.  

Just remember: stick with the "pretty" and "happy" theme.    

Perfect teeth is vital.   

And with whatever space you have left, add the old dudes.   

Pop in Moroni and you're done!

Yep.  That's exactly how that meeting went.  :)

My attempt at being funny is just a sidetrack from a future serious post of how groups and meetings like these are damaging to gay Mormon youth and men/women.  This is NOT an assumption.  I know this thanks to all the private conversations I've had with other gay Mormons who are afraid or not ready to be that voice.  The future post is still being written in my head.

In the mean time, I kinda wish I could attend the conference just for all the eye candy.  ;)

And a special shout out to the flyer dude two to the right of (Gay) Mormon Guy:  If you ever change your mind:

  

I am an inactive active Mormon. How's that for an oxymoron?

**EDIT**  I noticed a couple other Moho's have blogged about church attendance.  I promise I'm not copying anyone -- this was already on my mind!!  :)

When the alarm goes off Sunday morning, I grunt and groan more than getting up for work.  I don't want to go to church.  Yet I do.  Nearly every Sunday.

I chat and laugh with friends but I leave church feeling empty.  I've learned nothing. My belief is nearly gone. I want to hurry home, change my clothes and watch football.  (I may be gay, but I still enjoy a good game.)

In attending church, I prefer to lay low as much as possible.  I sit in the back and slip out quickly when church is over.  I don't want any attention.  But most Mormons know the moment you try to lay low, you immediately get some big calling that causes you to do the exact opposite. And I recently got THAT calling.  A big one.  I was soooooo close to turning it down, but just didn't have the guts to do so.  Now there's more involvement, more recognition, and more meetings.

By now, you're probably wondering why I just don't leave the church and move on with my gay self.  I wish it were that easy.  The fact that I go to church with nearly zero faith has caused me to do some Internet research and hopefully find some sort of explanation.  (Kind of when I went searching for other gay Mormons on the 'net.)  Turns out, non-believing Mormons and ex-Mormons will still attend church because of 1) social reasons 2) cultural reasons and 3) family.  For me, it's a little bit of all three.  It's hard to let go.

While I wonder who in my ward may also be gay, I also question who may be attending church because their spouse makes them, or because they wouldn't know what else to do on Sunday's, or because they don't want to be THAT family discussed and analyzed in Ward Council.  In an Elders Quorum class of 50, it's always the same 5 or 6 that answer all the questions.  Are at least some feeling the same way I do about church?  They'd rather have a barbecue watching football, than sit through Sunday School.  How do you, my wonderful blog reader, feel about church right now?        

In other news... I'm happy to say my blog hit a lil milestone - 1,000 page views.  (I know that doesn't translate to anywhere near 1,000 people, but still, it puts a smile on my face.)  Thank you all for your comments - both publicly and privately.  Back in the day (a few years ago), reading blogs helped me get through some rough patches and I hope I can continue sharing things that may help the current generation.  Plus, it's nice to get stuff out in the open. Here's to the next 1,000 views and beyond!      

Wanna know how your straight friends feel about gay people? Play Macklemore.

First off, I can tell by the page views my 'Weed's Disappearing Act' post generated a lot of interest on the 'net. I've decided to be a good blogger and post any updates I come across. (And not delete my original post.)  ;-)  Right now, looks like Josh is working on a NEW post on gay marriage and should be out soon. Since we have the old version, we'll all be able to compare.  :)

EDIT/UPDATE: Here's the new post. 

Ok, now for the gay story of the day.

Recently, I went to dinner with a big group of friends from church. There were 11 of us and I had a blast. It's two of my favorite things - friends and eating.  

As typical Mormons do, many broke off afterwards. Some went home and others (including me) met at a friend's place to watch a movie. After that, more broke off and a few of us (including me) went to get ice cream. A perfect night was about to end.  (I think I may have a bit of FoMO that Gay Mormon Pioneer brought up in a recent post.)   

While we were chatting in the car, finishing our ice cream, the song "Same Love" by Macklemore came on the radio. The whole time, I was saying to myself, 'Please, friends, don't say anything. Please. Please. Please.' I knew that if anyone spoke up, it would be in a negative way. And I didn't want to change the station because I actually enjoy the song. (Plus, we were in my car, and NO ONE touches my radio!) :) The song was very close to ending, when a good friend that I enjoy being around, said, "I really hate this song." 

Crap. So close.     

I stayed quiet while another person asked, "Why?" Her reply -- It has nothing to do with gay people, but the line "I can't change, even if I wanted to." She then went on a rant that anyone can change their "weaknesses and struggles." "Change is possible, etc" "Gay people don't have to be gay forever." Ouch. And once again, I just stayed quiet and tried to change the subject. I COULD have said something, but it was late, I was upset, and just wanted to go home.    

Is this the general consensus of straight folks?  That we can change at the flip of a switch? That being gay is a weakness?  It bugs me that my Mormon friends just don't get it. And then, I have to sit there with my mouth shut while friends bash others' sexual orientation. Stuff like this pushes me back more into the closet. 

Close friends just aren't ready for my story.     

Anyone else have the awkward Same-Love-comes-on-the-radio-with-friends-in-the-car experience?   

They just HAD to bring up the gays. (And The Weed's disappearing act.)

Before General Conference started, I really hoped they'd just skip the whole "gay" topic all together. Just skim over it and focus on other things.  In fact, after Saturday's sessions, I thought we were in the clear.

Then on Sunday, we were hit with a double whammy.  Just as I thought things we're 'getting better,' when it comes to equality, Oaks and Nelson takes us a few steps back.  

100% True-Believing-Active-Gay-Mormons are all giddy and relieved because Oaks' and Nelson's talks were just confirmation that they're "doing the right thing."  (And glancing at some Tweets, I feel that some of the SSA's are already rubbing it in our faces.)

The rest of us Moho's are left confused and upset.  Not a good weekend for us gays.  (I checked the Mormons Building Bridges Facebook groups and other blogs and feel it's safe to make this assumption.)

Uchtdorf said the church has "made mistakes" and invited people like me to return to church. The very next day, Oaks says same-sex marriage laws cannot "make moral what God has declared immoral."  Nelson then said "God's marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood or misconstrued."  (So, come back to church, but stick with those celibate ways.  Fun.)  

The above venting is probably nothing new.  We all know what was said in conference.  But here's some quiet controversy that happened over the weekend.

Josh Weed, the poster-boy of Mixed Orientation Marriage, posted quite the blog on Friday.  It was in SUPPORT of gay marriage.   He said, "I believe you can be a good, obedient, temple-recommend-holding Mormon and still support the recognition of gay marriage."  Awesome post.

In the past, I've always been weary of the Weed's and the Mansfield's because their stories are constantly used to prove that it is possible for gay guys to marry women and stay active in the church.  (Even though Josh has specifically said to NOT use his story as an example for those 'struggling with SSA.'  But it still happens.)

After reading Josh's post, I was happy.  He has tons of followers due to his friendly and humorous attitude and it was a step in the right direction. I'm all for marriage equality, and now Josh Weed is too. I like that. I read the comments below the post, and they were, of course, mixed. Some were in accordance and some, sticking with The Family Proc and the scriptures, were in total disagreement.  Still though, it was cool for someone with so much recognition to make this type of stand.  

When Oaks and Nelson were done with their talks, I was curious to see if Josh would post an update or add some sort of disclaimer.  So I returned to his site.  

And the original post was GONE.  DELETED.  WIPED AWAY as if it never even happened.

Thanks to my best friend (Google), the post still exists in cached format.  For those of you who missed it, I encourage you to read it.  EDIT: The cached version only shows 4 comments, but there were around 100 before it was deleted.

Until Josh gives an explanation for deleting this remarkable post, I'm going to call it cowardly for acting like it never happened.  Did his mind magically change over the course of two days thanks to the anti-gay conference talks?  Does he not realize that once something is up on the Internet it will NEVER go away?!  Bad move.

I'm glad this weekend is over.  Now that conference has passed, my Facebook feed can go back to arguments about politics, sports, and pictures of cats.  

UPDATE: Looks like the cached version is gone as well.  If you're really curious about reading the post, contact me.  I saved a copy on my computer.

UPDATE 2: I don't know how these cached pages work, but the post is back again, this time with over 100 comments.

UPDATE 3: He's posted an update.  Not sure yet how I feel about it.  It's emotional, but feel he wrote SO much to detract from his deleted post.  

"It's a day off from church!"

This will probably surprise no one, but I really have a hard time during General Conference.  I mainly blame it on my (self-diagnosed) ADD. Sitting still and focusing for long periods of time is virtually impossible.

For example, I love watching baseball games on TV, but I have to be doing at least two other things while watching!  I feel the same way for Conference.  But in the past several years, I've put GC in the background, or just avoid watching it all together.  And things really went downhill after October 8, 2010. (My fellow Moho's should know the significance of this date - which I will write about in a future post.)    

I now constantly roll my eyes while reading some of the Conference related Facebook posts on how excited folks are.  (They're just a little over the top.)  In fact, they've already started. One friend posted that it's only one week until Conference, followed by 14 exclamation points.  Are people REALLY that excited or they just getting bonus blessing points if they express Conference feelings in a public setting?  

I remember back in the day, a lot of my friends would say twice a year, "Yes! We get a day off from church!" I'm sure there are people that still have that attitude, but they'd never post THAT on Facebook!

I also remember a church leader (probably a Stake President) who said that if we were to watch conference at home on the Internet or on TV, to put on our church clothes.  Stuff like that makes me mad because what I do in my home is my business and no one else's.  (I know, I'm such a rebel.)

After my mission, I got really good seats in the Conference Center for the Saturday PM session.... And I fell asleep.  I tried to stay awake.. So hard!  But this was before Smartphones and Twitter, so all I had was an extremely comfortable chair and soothing voices.

So while my overly enthusiastic Facebook friend with 14 exclamation points can't wait for Conference, I just chalk it up as another weekend.  Maybe I'll have it on in the background, while blogging, cleaning and doing laundry at the same time.