Too long to Tweet... Too short for separate blog posts.

There are just some random thoughts that have entered my mind........

An acquaintance, who is quite the crush, accepted my Linkedin request in less than 5 minutes.  That's a sign, right?

I was showing my Home Teacher my cool phone, and my blog appeared on the screen after unlocking. In the past, I would have freaked out, but I stayed relatively calm.*

Before I Tweet updates to this blog, I triple check to make sure I'm not Tweeting under my real name/account.

I find it quite hypocritical when the 'active, temple recommend holding, example setting, gay Mormons looking for a wife' have profiles on the gay dating websites.

If I broke my left arm, I would not be able to function.  I am 100% Southpaw.  (And I don't know if it's a coincidence, but several gay friends are also left-handed)

I had a mission companion that suggested we hug every night before going to bed.  I thoroughly enjoyed those short but strong embraces.

While working, I met the nicest guy. Handsome, tall, great personality.  He's European and lives in D.C. - that's too far, so it probably won't work out between us.  ;)

It still surprises me how many friends try to set me up with the single ladies. I need to tattoo the message on my forehead.

I must say, facial hair has been kinda hot during Movember.    (I guess that one could have been Tweetable.)

I love this time of year - but for the first time, I really wish I had a special someone to enjoy the holidays with and buy gifts for.

This was fun. I'll have to do more of these.

*And if my Home Teacher somehow memorized the name of my blog and came here via Google search, let's keep this between you and me for now, OK?!  :)

Calling yourself a 'gay Mormon' just doesn't cut it anymore

The very first person I discussed my sexuality with was another gay Mormon. And if I could do it all over again... I wouldn't change one detail. The 'coming out' process went perfectly. Not only was this huge load taken off my back, our intentions and beliefs were so similar it felt good to discuss these things out loud. We were both iffy on the church and we were both OK with having a relationship with a guy (not with each other - just in general.) It was also the first time I've been held by a guy. The cuddling alone was the extra icing to an already perfect day.

I quickly realized though that not all gay Mormons are similar to the one I mentioned above. And in some instances, it's caused a lot of frustration. Gay Mormons have different levels of guilt. Different levels of shame. Different levels of homophobia. Different feelings on marriage equality. At times, I would rather side with a straight, non-LDS LGBT ally, than a conservative Mormon with SSA. (This is one of the few times I'll use SSA - we are gay; we don't have a disease.)

Just how many different gay Mormons do I know? Throughout the last week, I've made a list in my head on how I could classify all of us. I know the following people in my list either in person, online, or I know of them.  And I promise I'm not singling anyone out. I know more than one person in each group.

**EDIT** I changed all references of "single" to "non-married."  Since I know very little about being in a relationship, I must have blocked that out of my mind!

• 1 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, against homosexual relationships
• 2 - Active, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 3 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, non-married gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships 
• 4 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse
• 5 - Active, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 6 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse knows, remains faithful to spouse 
• 7 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, spouse doesn't know, remains faithful to spouse
• 8 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, married gay Mormon, cheats on spouse with others of the same sex
• 9 - Active, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships
• 10 - Inactive, or faith-doubting, divorced gay Mormon, OK with homosexual relationships

Whew. There were fewer words in my head! Did I forget anyone?! I know I am technically leaving out other possibilities, but I can't think of anyone that would be applicable to that group.  Which group do you belong to? In the span of five years, I was a 1, then a 2, and right now I'm a 3.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if someone is looking for a support group for gay Mormons, do we hope we all can just get along, or should we narrow our support to those in the same category? Are there too many support groups out there or too little? I wouldn't have anything in common with a #5, so should I really go to them for any support or advice? Should a #4 tell the single gay Mormons how to run their lives. Or does it even matter what kind of gay Mormons we are?

Just my random Sunday evening post (that I've had in my head all week!)

BTW, anyone attend the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference? The only news coverage I see is from ABC 4 in SLC.

Are you pretty enough to be in the flyer?

DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to turn into a 'Woe is me...' blog so I thought I'd take a stab at some humor. (Which means I'll likely offend some people in the process.)  Deep breath.  Here goes....

I have a few friends who belong to the North Star - and other related - Facebook groups. I have also stalked these pages a time or two. Which means, I'll get sponsored ads on my feed from said groups. Recently, I've seen ads for the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference in Utah. Apparently, it's this weekend.  (And goes from 9am to 6pm.  Sheesh.  What a waste of a Saturday.) But one thing stood out to me. The people in the flyer (or is it flier?) are so.... pretty. Young, attractive, clean-cut, good-looking men and women. (And then there are a few old dudes tossed in just for grins.)  Here is the flyer in question:

I'm not going to assume this is the actual demographic that will attend the conference, but I will assume the following. (This is where the humor part comes in, please bear with me.)  :-)

I assume this is how the meeting between the Faith & Feelings Committee and graphic designer went:

Member of committee:  Ok, let's build a flyer for this thing so we can get tons of people to come!  

The key word is -- PRETTY! Use one of the cute girls as the spotlight, because we gotta get these single gay guys attracted to the ladies!   

Make sure everyone looks so happy (especially the wives), despite all their "struggles."   

Go ahead and put in David Mathe$on so he can $$promote$$ hi$ Center for Gender Wholene$$, and while you're at it, to$$ in a couple other therapi$t$ a$ well.    

Make sure everyone is against gay marriage. (Sorry Josh Weed, guess you didn't make the cut.)   

Don't forget Ty Mansfield, because he just screams pretty.  

Just remember: stick with the "pretty" and "happy" theme.    

Perfect teeth is vital.   

And with whatever space you have left, add the old dudes.   

Pop in Moroni and you're done!

Yep.  That's exactly how that meeting went.  :)

My attempt at being funny is just a sidetrack from a future serious post of how groups and meetings like these are damaging to gay Mormon youth and men/women.  This is NOT an assumption.  I know this thanks to all the private conversations I've had with other gay Mormons who are afraid or not ready to be that voice.  The future post is still being written in my head.

In the mean time, I kinda wish I could attend the conference just for all the eye candy.  ;)

And a special shout out to the flyer dude two to the right of (Gay) Mormon Guy:  If you ever change your mind:

  

I am an inactive active Mormon. How's that for an oxymoron?

**EDIT**  I noticed a couple other Moho's have blogged about church attendance.  I promise I'm not copying anyone -- this was already on my mind!!  :)

When the alarm goes off Sunday morning, I grunt and groan more than getting up for work.  I don't want to go to church.  Yet I do.  Nearly every Sunday.

I chat and laugh with friends but I leave church feeling empty.  I've learned nothing. My belief is nearly gone. I want to hurry home, change my clothes and watch football.  (I may be gay, but I still enjoy a good game.)

In attending church, I prefer to lay low as much as possible.  I sit in the back and slip out quickly when church is over.  I don't want any attention.  But most Mormons know the moment you try to lay low, you immediately get some big calling that causes you to do the exact opposite. And I recently got THAT calling.  A big one.  I was soooooo close to turning it down, but just didn't have the guts to do so.  Now there's more involvement, more recognition, and more meetings.

By now, you're probably wondering why I just don't leave the church and move on with my gay self.  I wish it were that easy.  The fact that I go to church with nearly zero faith has caused me to do some Internet research and hopefully find some sort of explanation.  (Kind of when I went searching for other gay Mormons on the 'net.)  Turns out, non-believing Mormons and ex-Mormons will still attend church because of 1) social reasons 2) cultural reasons and 3) family.  For me, it's a little bit of all three.  It's hard to let go.

While I wonder who in my ward may also be gay, I also question who may be attending church because their spouse makes them, or because they wouldn't know what else to do on Sunday's, or because they don't want to be THAT family discussed and analyzed in Ward Council.  In an Elders Quorum class of 50, it's always the same 5 or 6 that answer all the questions.  Are at least some feeling the same way I do about church?  They'd rather have a barbecue watching football, than sit through Sunday School.  How do you, my wonderful blog reader, feel about church right now?        

In other news... I'm happy to say my blog hit a lil milestone - 1,000 page views.  (I know that doesn't translate to anywhere near 1,000 people, but still, it puts a smile on my face.)  Thank you all for your comments - both publicly and privately.  Back in the day (a few years ago), reading blogs helped me get through some rough patches and I hope I can continue sharing things that may help the current generation.  Plus, it's nice to get stuff out in the open. Here's to the next 1,000 views and beyond!