Recently, I've been having another round of memorable dreams without being on the supplement. This round involves guy friends. Again, nothing too scandalous but still quite vivid. The dreams include random guy friends from past and present, gay and straight. (And sometimes a stubbly Joel McHale will randomly show up.) My dreams consist of hanging out, flirting, some turn into a semi-romantic relationship, I'm almost always happy. Many people would jump on a dream interpretation site for clues and how to relate to real life. But I think I've interpreted the dreams myself without any guidance. I feel I'm so lonely being a closeted gay man that I have to build these fantasies in my mind. I've struck out when it comes to relationships (note: haven't really tried) that the dreams fulfil that want/need for attention and affection.
The key word in the above paragraph is "closeted." Over the years, I've reached out to many other gay Mormons, and many gay Mormons have reached out to me. Those that are 'out,' always ask me the same question: "Why are you still in the closet?" And most don't beat around the bush, they ask the question quite bluntly. I usually throw out a few excuses as a response and change the subject. All while those still in the closet seem to "get" me. The loneliness is directly correlated to me being so closeted. There are days that I'm totally ready to be out and proud, then someone close to me makes a homophobic remark, and I get pushed right back in.
I've pulled off the closet pretty well that sometimes, I wish I could get caught!!! On the couple 'dates' I've gone on with guys, I halfway wished I would see a friend or family member causing some 'splaining to do. But nope, just the other day the wife of the second counselor in the Bishopric tried to set me up with her sister. Argh. (The most recent 'nearly caught' was when I showed my Home Teacher my new phone and my blog popped up. Nothing earth shattering.) In fact, I'm so close to just typing my real name right here --------. I have a unique enough name I'd be easy to find. But not yet.
While I absoultely love my gay Mormon penpals and wouldn't give them up for anything, the distance between us is a depressing truth. (Quick reminder: I don't live in Utah, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona or California.) I could chat and email for hours til my fingers fall off, but at the end of the day, I still feel so lonely. And I continue to seek out this dream of being in a relationship; to be loved.
In light of all this - I've tried something new as I hope to eventually leave the closet behind and squash the loneliness. I've reached out to someone in my city who used to be LDS. I 'found' him after reading a blog post of his that had to do with gays and Mormons, discovered he lived close and sent him an email - we've emailed back and forth a couple times. I like that he's an ex-Mormon with little ill will towards the church. (I think.) I mainly wanted to know where I could start finding gay friends who have similar backgrounds. If I can't find other gay Mormons in my town, let's broaden the search a bit.
We'll see where that goes.
You'll get there, friend. I know how you feel, feeling isolated. (Sheboygan, as you know, is no gay Mecca.) That being said, I am moving to AZ in a week, but still... It is very easy for us "out" people to say something like, "Who cares what they all think? Just come out and be proud of who you are." But I remember all too well what it felt like in the closet. I remember how many times I was SO CLOSE to saying something to someone. I remember how it felt when I first reached out to someone whom I felt could and would support me. If you have a desire to get there, then you will get there. Loneliness is terrible. I know this much. I also empathize with knowing that you can have penpals up the wazoo and still feel lonely. But that being said, I'm here for you, even though it takes me ages to write back. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, dude. I always appreciate your comments. Good luck on the move to Arizona. I think it was like 184 degrees there today.
DeleteUgh, I totally get where you're coming from. I think you're taking a good step with your new friend.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I also have to plug this site, because I've had a good experience with it: www.corinvictus.com . Of course, that said, it's pretty hit and miss depending on your location and whether people are actually using it at the time. Still might be worth looking at, though.
Thanks, Trev. I am familiar with the site. (And a proud member!) I've made some great connections on there.
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